It's time for Aaron’s "A Little Something Different"!
Well, not entirely different, but in some ways very different indeed!
So, in this E14 edition of Aaron’s whopping great horror-themed brilliance, I’m going to talk about a somewhat taboo subject amongst the horror communities, and that’s remakes.
However, I’m not going to just sit here and talk about them and about what it is I think of them and whatnot, no! I’m actually, in fact, going to take a little bit of a spin on this bad boy and upset Horror fans worldwide by listing my 5 favourite remakes that I actually think are better than the originals!
Yup, that’s right! So, strap yourself in and get ready to swear and scratch your head in equal parts confusion and anger, but remember – just because something is a classic, that doesn’t automatically make it good (Invasion of the Body Snatchers, for example)! So, in order from least to best, let’s do this!
5. Friday the 13th (2009)
Now, I absolutely adore the Friday the 13th series, and have done since I were a wee lad in short trousers and first learned to swing a machete and slam a sleeping bag-clad- cheerleader against a tree!
My favourite Jason movie, though I love all of them, was Freddy vs Jason, at least when it comes to Jason wearing a hockey mask and showing teenagers who’s boss!
The crown, however, was passed on to this 2009 horror triumph! Great deaths, excellent pacing, and just downright packed with an excitement that has only proved to age well over the past 8 years and will no doubt age all the greater 8 more years to come! And though this isn’t what some would call a strict remake, it is at the very least a reimagining of the original franchise rolled up into one. Is this to say that I prefer this to anything pre-hockey mask era? Well, who’s to say?!
4. Evil Dead (2013)
Now, I know what you’re thinking, and to a point I agree. Though this film isn’t really what some would refer to as a strict remake, it is a reimagining of the original, and therefore, by definition, a remake of sorts.
This film is wonderfully acted and has strong bones throughout and pulls the audience in with truly breath-taking cinematography, and yet it still somehow manages to bring a slice of originality pie to the horror table at the genre party where the…I don’t know where I’m going with this.
Anyway, I love the original, but I just think that this is the better film all-round, bringing an extra slam of occult offerings and downright brutality that simply demands our attention. I’m sure the purists will disagree with me, but hey-ho, that’s just the way the world turns.
3. Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Let me tell you a little something about this movie. This particular flick came out just in the nick of time, and especially where Zombie movies were concerned! Zombie films were becoming somewhat of the punchline of the horror genre, with lowbrow humour being shunted before our stumbling corpses of doom that were once supposed to be horrifying monsters, and were quickly becoming nothing more than a joke.
However, the remake of Dawn of the Dead took all of the best qualities that the original had, and then threw in a bucket of nails and a bomb of brutality to really get the blood both pumping and spilling! This film was fucking ferocious! People of all ages (literally) getting torn to fucking pieces with unrelenting viciousness in a way that the original just couldn’t quite pull off, which is why this particular one of the two will always hold a permanent spot in my heart.
2. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
I’m going to be brutally honest with you on this one – I wasn’t a fan of the original. The acting is terrible, it isn’t scary, that twat in the wheelchair ruined the whole thing, and what is with the super-camp dance with the twirls that Leatherface does at the end? Am I supposed to be scared of this twinkle- toed nonce with the silly haircut?
No, mate. Not happening.
The remake, however? Brutal as fuck!
Leatherface actually looks menacing and takes no part in any Fred Astaire nonsense, the acting is brilliant (especially from the legendary R. Lee Ermey) and actually had a sense of atmosphere and tension that the original couldn’t even dream of pulling off! So, yeah. Give me the remake any day of the week, because for me, the original is ruddy terrible.
1. The Hills Have Eyes (2006)
This is a film that just has all the right ingredients for a horror movie. From the moment we meet our soon-to- be victims, we can instantly point out who will live, who will die and who will be our hero.
But then, wait, hold on a bloody minute…why is that one alive? Shit! That one died! But I thought…wait, that’s our hero?! No way!
It totally turns our horror traditions on their heads and throws a spanner in the works that not only spills out blood and guts, but offers up a big old plate of nitty gritty that doesn’t just prove that remakes can be better, but that modern splatter horror films can still be downright bloody brilliant!
BONUS FILM!! The Fly (1986)
Now, I grew up loving ‘50s B-Movies, and anything Vincent Price touched turned to pure gold! Also, don’t get me wrong. I love the 1958 movie, I really do, but David Cronenberg not only made a superior version of the film, but made an absolute fucking masterpiece!
Not only in the horror genre, but in all movies in the history of “wow! That photo is moving and talking and making the things happen” pictures. Plus, let’s be honest, as cool as the infamous “Help me” scene is, it is nowhere near as iconic as Brundle Fly has become, especially among horror fans.
So, there’s my list! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed watching these movies and writing about them! Now, remember, you don’t have to agree, and to be honest with you, I don’t expect you to!
But remember this!
Before you take to the hills with rage and burning torches, treat this article as you would a remake that makes you angry: pay no attention to it. That’s right! It’s that simple! No need to yell “why” or “leave it alone”, because believe it or not, remakes are taking absolutely nothing away from the original, nor are they even touching it.
Whether or not a remake comes out, the original will always be there for you and will remained untouched (unless that cunt George Lucas gets involved, then that’s on you for getting your hopes up), so stop worrying!
If you don’t want to watch the remakes, just treat them as other films you don’t like the looks of: just don’t watch them. The original will always be there for you to watch instead!
Plus I’m always right. Stop being silly.
Aaron James Waters is a best-selling Pulp Fiction writer who has written more books than he's actually read.
He's also the rotten apple of the group who thinks this whole Star Wars thing needs to hurry up and die already.
You can find Aaron's debut novel on Amazon using the links below!
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