Newsfalsh!

Welcome once again to Newsfalsh!, E14's pick of the weird and wonderful goings-on of the planet we call 'home'.

Passengers struck by Tube train

This couldn't be something awesome, could it? It couldn't be that people saw one particularly handsome tube train and thought "My goodness, my day has been somewhat brightened by that beautiful sight." It couldn't be that Godzilla had invaded London for the day or something, and was swinging a tube train around. That would be the kind of passenger-striking I could REALLY go for. But no, it has to be the decidedly less awesome version that involves blood and head wounds and stuff. Lame.

So the story here is that a vinyl barrier came loose and injured three people. Now, I like the fact that straight away, there's confusion. Apparently three people were injured, but only TWO were being treated?! What happened, did the other person react harshly to being struck by a bit of plastic from the side of a MOVING TRAIN? I can only imagine that were it me in their place, I'd be fucking livid, particularly as it's meant to be a PROTECTIVE BARRIER. I've got news for you folks; 'Irony' isn't just the way nails taste when you lick them.

As irony goes, "being injured by a protective barrier" is up there with me ringing for a doctor's appointment the other day only to find out that my doctor is ill. I can't work out how the receptionist wasn't laughing her arse off at that one, particularly when I, Robert Wade of Emotionally Fourteen pointed it out to her. But no, apparently she was suffering from an irony deficiency, or as I call it, "Humour Vacuum Disorder".

Incidentally, a pun on the word 'anaemia' with a reference to irony is more difficult than you'd think.

Anyway, you'll be pleased to know that TFL staff have assured the public not to worry, as incidents like this are "very rare". Now, I don't know about you, but I actually think the risk of injury and mutilation might add an edge to London commuting, but I realise I'm in a minority. As well as this, apparently none of the injured parties were critical, which I suppose is a relief on London public transportation.



Power-guzzling TVs to be banned

Apparently there are certain brands of television that use up a tremendous amount of power. Now, I know you know the ones I mean. What's more, YOU know I know you know the ones I mean. I have a friend with one, he paid £2,000 for it a couple of years ago. a 60" Plasma television. He has a one year old daughter now, and I'm convinced she'll feel like she's actually IN the shows sometimes.

Not that she'd want to be. Have you SEEN what they've done to Winnie the Pooh now? They've introduced this British girl, and made it all CG. I watched one around Halloween, and they decided to dress up as scary monsters. Pooh went as a vampire, good choice of scary creature and a safe bet for scares. The girl (whose name escapes me, partly because I released its cage door and said "FUCK OFF, NAME!") dressed up as a cat. Ok, not SO scary, but I suppose the idea of dressing up is something in itself. Unless you're Tigger, and you decide the scariest thing you can dress up as...is Napoleon.


Maybe he's scary to European generals HUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO, but not so much to kids.

Anyway, I digress. Now, what confused me about this one was simple; I figured that while televisions gave off a lot of heat, particularly plasma and LCD sets in bigger sizes, the power drained would be somewhat similar across the board, since televisions, no matter what size, do the same job always. I mean, it's not like a television ever comes with a built-in George Foreman grill. Although that would be awesome, just to see one. I could never see myself buying one, but then I don't own a George Foreman grill, so it makes no odds for me.

I'd like to see them find strange ways to reduce the power consumed by televisions. Randomly, every half an hour, the television shuts off a random quarter of the screen. It could liven up reality television no end! Even better, I'd like to see the television picture just slightly rotate. Just a few degrees. I figure eventually people would get pissed off with it and switch it off. Or learn to hang off their living room ceiling like bats.

Australian aims to breed 'green' sheep that burp less.

Remember when I said scientists had little or nothing better to do with their time? Yeah, it turns out that I was more correct than I even had dared to hope.

On a related note, is anyone else sick to the back teeth of hearing about fucking climate change? I'm so sick of hearing about how much damage we're doing to the environment that I'm actually considering going to Antarctica just to kick a polar bear to death. Anyone who wants to be on the polar bears' side, just remember this: They sold their soul to promote Coca-Cola, they're as bad as those fucking Budweiser frogs for corporate bitchery.

Anyway, one of their new drives to bring down our Carbon footprint (another stupid bullshit term for 'humanity asserting its dominance on animals') is to find a way to reduce emissions caused by animals, specifically in this case sheep. Their research, incidentally, consists specifically of feeding two hundred sheep and seeing how much they belch. I haven't made this up, by the way; this is actual scientific research. Thankfully, scientists have noticed that 'there appear to be "significant differences" between individual animals.'

Well thanks for that, but I could have figured it out myself. I mean obviously some sheep are going to be more active than others. I mean, some are going to be walking everywhere, whereas some will have a car. Of course, some are going to have more demanding jobs than others, which means that some will have a more carbohydrate-heavy lunch than others. Of course, free time is important, and some may be into keep-fit, maybe have a Wii Fit, whereas some are going to be on the couch watching The Simpsons all night.

Which all makes sense, until you think WAIT A MINUTE, THEY'RE FUCKING SHEEP! WHAT THE FUCK?!



Seriously, sheep probably travel about ten miles in their entire life, eat nought but what they forage for or are given, and have about as much going on behind the eyes as a carved Halloween pumpkin! What the fuck do you mean, "significant differences"? Are you feeding one control group Ryvita and one a King Prawn Passanda with Three Colour rice? Is one getting beer and one getting real ale?

It's not even like this study is particularly in-depth. They developed special pens to measure belching (which are surely redundant, as you'll still have to hold it in front of the sheep the whole time anyway, you'd be better off with a carrier bag and a bit of paper on the end), and all they found was that 'the more they eat, the more they belch.'

Searing insight, no? Next, they'll be saying that monkeys can recognise bad grammar.

Oh wait...

Book Reviews

Body Count
Shaun Hutson
Orbit
Available Now - £7.99
Review by Brad Harmer

The figure in the mask stumbles bleeding through the streets, his pursuers closing in. But they don’t stumble. They stalk...

Who is kidnapping seemingly random victims and then slaughtering them in an elaborate game of cat and mouse? And why are these murders being streamed over the Internet? Watching the horror unfold at New Scotland Yard is Detective Inspector Joe Chapman who searches desperately for any clue that might tell him where and when this savage hunt is happening.

But DI Chapman is about to learn that you should be careful what you wish for. Very soon, he will be closer to the blood-letting than he could have imagined. Forced to fight for his life and the life of someone he holds dear, the only way out looks to be to rack up the biggest body count. But even that might not be enough.

What starts out as actually quite an engaging and tightly plotted crime thriller has seamlessly segued, by the halfway mark, into a completely shamless and pants pissingly embarrassing rip-off of the Rockstar video game Manhunt: a guy wakes up in a cell after begin executed for lethal injection, and receives commands from his kidnapper through a headpiece whilst making a snuff movie.

As usual, it then degenerates into Shaun Hutson’s nineteen-eighties time-warp of gore and hardcore rape scenes. Am I really the only one who finds this stuff really, really stupid and outdated?

The tragedy of it is, is that Hutson is a really good writer. Both his descriptive passages and his dialogue are really good; it’s just that what he writes about is complete and utter garbage.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Several highly graphic and gory murders, often using blunt and/or improvised weapons. Some snuff movies.
Sex/Nudity: One highly detailed gang-rape.
Swearing: Frequent and over-the-top.
Summary: A pungent dose of Garth Marenghi-esque thriller/horror, marred the plagiarising of the plot of the video-game Manhunt. Very well written rubbish, but still rubbish. 2/10

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One of the most controversial movies of the 1980s – and never granted a certificate by the BBFC until now – the seminal cult shocker Silent Night, Deadly Night finally gets its long-awaited UK DVD release just in time to bring some Christmas fear into the hearts of horror fans looking for something more stirring than the usual seasonal fare.

A slasher movie with bells on, Silent Night, Deadly Night sparked a wave of controversy on its original US theatrical release thanks to its premise of having a killer dressed as Santa Claus, a concept that led to many angry parents, film critics, celebrities and movie industry insiders protesting against and calling for a boycott of this “outrageous” movie. Hey, people were more sensitive back then. Personally I find the idea of a killer Santa less offensive than a sparkly vampire creeping into my teenage daughter’s room every night and watching her sleep, but maybe that’s just me.

Now, at last UK viewers can see at last what all the fuss was about with the release of the fully uncut and most complete version of the film available.

After witnessing the killing of his father and the rape and murder of his mother at the hands of a psycho in a Santa suit, young Billy Chapman, along with his infant brother Ricky, is sent to be raised at St Mary’s Orphanage, an institution run by a tyrannical and abusive Mother Superior. Billy’s earlier tragic experience has already left him deeply mentally scarred, with a pathological fear of Santa Claus and a firm belief that sex is an evil act that must be punished – emotional problemts that the nuns do nothing about...except to reinforce. If this guy isn’t going to suffer from Voorhees Syndrome in later life – no one is.

Ten years later, and free of the shackles of the orphanage, 18 year-old Billy finds himself working at a local toy store as Christmas approaches. Things are going fine until the store Santa takes ill and Billy is forced to step in and don the red and white suit. He manages to get through the final day at work before the holidays, but an incident at the store employee’s Christmas celebrations that evening brings back terrifying memories in Billy, initiating a bloody killing spree in which this now-psychotic Santa sets out to “punish the naughty”.

A superlative eighties shocker that spawned four sequels and ticks all the required slasher boxes – gratuitous gore, nudity, sex, decapitation and Linnea Quigley – Silent Night, Deadly Night is the perfect Yuletide tale of terror.

Thanks to our friends at Arrow Video, we've got two copies of the Silent Night, Deadly Night DVD to give away! For your chance of winning one, send us an e-mail to nonotblackchristmastheotherone@rocketmail.com with your name and postal address before midday on Saturday 5th December (UK time). The first two names drawn out of the electronic hat will win a copy of this awesome DVD!

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The Zombie Handbook
Rob Sacchetto
Ulysses Press
Available Now - £9.99
Review by Blake Harmer

In this world that seems to have now been completely filled with zombie related media such as books, films, comics, computer games and toys - both serious and comical - it seems that little more can be done with them. Sure the more serious works such as World War Z and The Walking Dead are truly brilliant, and films such as 28 Days Later, Night of the Living Dead, and parody Shaun of the Dead are also great. But I think it took me to just read The Zombie Handbook to find out that there is nothing original in making the zombie a thing of comedy as it has all been done before.

For those not in the know, The Zombie Handbook is a colourful companion to help you survive the zombie apocalypse should one occur. It is written by Rob Sacchetto, who has been involved with other projects such as Zombie CSU and the documentary Zombiemania. However, the whole thing plays out like an incredibly watered down version of Max Brooks The Zombie Survival Guide, and is nowhere near as cleverly written.

On the plus side though, the book does make a lot of references to different zombie films in order to classify every different type of zombie, and there are quite a few zombie jokes that should raise a smile, and overall the artwork is quite good. But sadly the damage has already been done due to the book’s complete lack of originality.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: Lots of mentioning of brain eating and lots of pictures of the living dead covered in blood or being killed but nothing truly horrific as it is mostly done in a humorous way.
Sex/Nudity: Some pictures of Zombies having sex and a description of zombie copulation leading them to have a zombie baby but nothing is shown or described graphically.
Swearing: None that I truly noticed as it is more like a survival handbook than a narrative story.
Summary: This retreads a lot of the ground covered by other works and fails to offer anything new, sure there are a few comical bits that you may enjoy if you love all things zombie, and some of the artwork is quite good. But the lack of originality shows through and there is a lot better zombie fiction that I can recommend over this. 5/10

The Mammoth Book of Wolf Men
Edited by Stephen Jones
Robinson
Available Now - £7.99
Review by Brad Harmer

The Mammoth Book of Wolf Men brings together twenty-three tales of terror and transformation from classic pulp novellas like Manly Wade Wellman's The Hairy Ones Shall Dance and The Whisperers by Hugh B. Cave, to modern masterpieces such as David Case's The Cell and Clive Barker's Twilight at the Towers. Also collected are memorable stories by contemporary masters: Ramsey Campbell, Les Daniels, Stephen Laws, Scott Bradfield, Denis Etchison, Karl Edward Wagner and many more.

This isn’t a new compilation. It’s been republished to cash in on the ill-advised remake of The Wolf Man. I know that, because I remember going off to holiday in Scotland one year when I was about thirteen, and picking this book up at a motorway service station. So, for me at least, this has been a most spectacular stroll down memory lane – as well as a major reason for why I like werewolves so much, and to a lesser extent, horror in general.

For some reasons generic horror compilations tend to be rather middling – but those that focus around a theme like, say, werewolves, vampires, zombies or whatever, tend to be really good. This one is. Particular highlights being Clive Barker’s Cold War espionage tale Twilight at the Towers, the phenomenal Rug, and Manly Wade Wellman’s dollop of pulp awesomeness The Hairy Ones Shall Dance. There are a few duds but thankfully they’re few and far between. For the price, you won’t be disappointed.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Frequent, bloody and lycanthropic.
Sex/Nudity: Occasional scenes, but generally speaking not that graphic.
Swearing: Nothing unusual for the genre.
Summary: An excellent compilation that provides a good spread across both time and style. You know a teenage girl who really likes The Twilight Saga. You owe it both you and her to get this and slip it into her stocking this Christmas. 8/10

Dickass DM

A few months ago, Brad and Rob began an experiment that they referred to as The Dickass DM, in which Rob would attempt to play through the Fighting Fantasy gamebook Starship Traveller as if it were an actual table-top RPG.

Read Part One Here
Read Part Two Here
Read Part Three Here

Previously on Dickass DM: Captain Braggart and the crew of the Starship Traveller have been sucked through a black hole known as The Seltsian Void, winding up in places unknown. After several red-shirt maiming adventures, they find themselves on a strange, drizzly planet, promising to investigate an ominous figure known as "The Rain Lord".

Brad: The alien gives you directions, and you head off towards the Rain Lord's castle. After about fifteen minutes, you spot a large building in the distance, and it takes you another fifteen minutes or so to reach it. Obviously a thirty minute walk for you would seem like an epic journey to those, frankly, stumpy aliens.
Rob: I've got long legs, though. It'd probably only take me twelve or so.
Brad: Reaching the gate, an armed guard bars the way.

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Captain Braggart: Greetings Simpleton, we are foreigners who speak English.

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Brad: Seeing you, the guard rushes into action. Raising its head, it lets out a shrill whistle. Several aliens surround you with weapons pointed. You decide that bravely and boldy surrendering is your best option.

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Captain Braggart: Parlez-vous Basic? Sprechen sie Galactic Standard Language?

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Brad: You are escorted towards the keep of the castle. When you explain that you want to see The Rain Lord, one of the guards scurries off and scurries back again a moment later. Another group of guards arrives to take you into the keep.

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Captain Braggart: Io quiero sabatos, por favor!

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Brad: As you enter, your eyes widen. You are not in the hall or stateroom that you had been expecting, but are instead in a giant computer complex. The walls are covered in complicated switches, dials and gauges.

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Captain Braggart: Dios Mio!

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Brad: A human figure sits in a small chair flanked by keyboards. He turns to face you as you come in.

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Small Man: Aha - our intruders! Perhaps they may be able to help with our little problem.
Captain Braggart: Little's about right...I mean...No hablo ingles...
Small Man: My name is Bran-Sel.

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Rob: That sounds like a cereal.
Brad: Made by Virgin.

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Captain Braggart: My name is Captain Major Braggart. I have come from a galaxy far far away. You should have seen what that was like a while back. Erm...I am a great space hero. I own many...leather bound books. My quarters are adequate for my purposes, and I probably wouldn't even use more space if I had it. I enjoy spaghetti, long walks on the beach and Saffron. I'm just mad about Saffron...
Clank: Basically, we fell into a big black swirly thing in space. The Captain sent many of our finest men to their deaths amongst loads of spinning rocks. After that, the Science Officer drank some strange water and had to be kicked in for a while. Then there was a planet of killer robots. We accidentally pushed the population too high, and they all paid the price of our trangressions. Then we found some strange midgets and they brought us here.
Bran-Sel: I may be able to help, if you are able to help me first. Many years ago, I was an interstellar trader, carrying a cargo of sophisticated planet control computers to Gleena-3 in another sector of the galaxy. My warp drive failed, and I was forced into orbit around this planet.
Captain Braggart: Surely if a computer controlled a planet, you'd only need one? Do the others supervise?
Bran-Sel: I was able to contact Galeea-3 to explain the delay, but they had no time for lame excuses, and cancelled the order. So, there I was with a massive cargo and no buyer. I would have faced financial ruin if I returned home, so I stayed here.
Captain Braggart: Are you just ignoring my questions?
Bran-Sel: I'm sorry, Captain Clank, could you control your underling?
Captain Braggart: How big are the hippos here?
Bran-Sel: Due to my superior knowledge, the natives worshipped me as a god-like-being that I refer to as a "God". They built me this castle that I could set-up the planet control equipment in.
Captain Braggart: How long does the average game of Crazy Golf last on this planet?
Clank: (to Braggart) Quiet, you!
Bran-Sel: Since then, I have acted as a God, and a benevolent one, if I do say so myself.
Captain Braggart: Have you decorated this room recently? It's just lovely.
Bran-Sel: However, some time ago, I discovered a flaw in the weather control system, and I've lost all control of the weather.As the weather was initially very damp, I'm afraid that all the rain reserves had built up, hence the downpour.
Captain Braggart: Why isn't there uppour?
Bra-Sel: The others are back-up computers, mostly used for my extensive collection of Warez. No, I have not been ignoring them, I was simply queueing them until I could answer them. They are, on average, about 48 mm long, and very cute for it. If I'm playing, it's over in seconds, bitch. Why, thank you; I tried to open the space up a little with that feature wall.
Captain Braggart: And my final question?
Bran-Sel: There's no uppour, because there is no such thing.
Captain Braggart: Well met, noble dwarf. Praise be to Moria.
Crank: Wow...he's wise. *hic* Ensign Braggart, massage his feet!
Bran-Sel: If you have a knowledge of Planet Control Systems, and can help me get back control of the weather, I am sure the computer's knowledge of astronomy will be able to help you get back to your own universe.
Captain Braggart: (on communicator) McSpindle? Any chance you can offer us some assistance? We're working alongside a midget. Well, I say alongside, I mean alongside and slightly above...

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Brad: Science Officer McSpindle beams down, with a slightly smug expression on his face.

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McSpindle: Drinky and the Cave Troll no use here?
Captain Braggart: If you fuck this up, you're working in the canteen for a week.

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Brad: McSpindle takes a dump.
Rob: Right...
Brad: Of the weather control program back to the ship for analysis.
Rob: Ah. Clever
Brad: It is in a strange language, but your computer is able to gain some insight into its logic patterns. McSpindle alters it slightly and runs the modified program. Within a few moments, the rain dies down.

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McSpindle: Sire? Science Officer McSpindle For The Win, Sir.
Captain Braggart: Fine, but next time you fuck something up, you're dishing out the Turkey Drummers pal.

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Brad: Bran-sel is delighted and offers to use his computer to search for a suitable black hole for you to travel back home. The computer locates several such black holes. It cannot distinguish between them, but tells you you will need to travel towards them at Warp 3 to break through. You thank Bran-Sel for his help, and energise back to the ship.

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Captain Braggart: Cheers.

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Brad: You probe.
Rob: Is this a new insult that I'm unfamiliar with?
Brad: With your scanners for destinations and find an interesting looking red planet that you head towards. En route, you come towards a grey planet...do you want to investigate this, or head to the original destinateion?

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Captain Braggart: Mmmm, something about that grey planet seems....insignificant. Take us there! I crave monotony!
McSpindle: Um...wasn't the last planet mostly midgets and drizzle?
Captain Braggart: Aren't you dead yet?

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Brad: The planet has no life signs, but the scanners detect some activity - possibly mechanical. You send a party out in a recon plane to examine the situation. They pilot to the area of the activity, and land. It's a very barren planet, but not far from where they set down, they find a crashed scout ship - unlike any they can identify.

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Captain Braggart: We have only seen two ships ever. Investigate further.

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Brad: They find no signs of the pilot. Perhaps he died of old age, or was killed in the crash. An automated radio signal, presumably some kind of mayday, is being broadcast. Finding nothing else, the crew return to the plane, and come back to the ship.

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McSpindle: I hope none of them drank anything. That never goes well for anyone.
Captain Braggart: True, there was that guy who got that kicking...

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Brad: Landing the plane back aboard the ship, the crew head to the briefing room to report to you. As they being to give their report, you are interrupted by an important message.
Rob: "Hello Dave..."

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Clank: Captain! We have lost three of the engineering personell responsible for docking the recon plane. They're all dead.
Captain Braggart: What the fuck do you mean 'you've lost them'? How fucking careless are you to lose three people?"
Clank: They're dead, Dave. What are your orders?
Captain Braggart: No Subway runs during crisis time, this is your last warning!

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Rob: I enforce a quarantine.
Brad: The landing party are rushed off to the Medical Bay, but they appear to be healthy. Three more engineering personell have dropped dead, however.

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McSpindle: I have a suggestion, cockface.
Captain Braggart: Try me.
McSpindle: I suggest we seal off the docking bay, as it appears a poison of some kind was brought back on the plane. The landing part were unaffected as they were wearing Extra Vehicular Activity suits.
Captain Braggart: Good idea, McS. If we make it back to our universe, I'm recommending you to be my official bitch!
McSpindle: Yes, My lord.

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Brad: You also have the engineering levels that have been affected sealed off.
Rob: God, I'm good.
Brad: Once the affected area is sealed off, no further deaths are reported.

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Captain Braggart: That's a relief, I'd hate to use all my crime scene tape for nothing.

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Brad: Using an Extra Vehicular Activity suit, Medical Officer Wheezy examines the body of one of the victims.

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Wheezy: Have I even been in this before?
Captain Braggart: In what?
Wheezy: In this show so far? Is this the first episode I'm in?

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Rob: Is he the drunk?

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Clank: I thought that was me.
Captain Braggart: What did you say?
McSpindle: I'm the sarcastic one.
Captain Braggart: No fucking shit. Why are we discussing our personalities?
Cripps: I've been in a couple, but I don't remember having seen the doctor before. No offence.
Wheezy: None taken. Like I say, I can't remember myself.

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Brad: Still unsure as to whether or not this is his or her first appearance, Medical Offier Wheezy puts on an Extra Vehicular activity suit, and examines one of the dead men.

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Wheezy: This man has definitely been poisoned.
Captain Braggart: Maybe it's a Tarragon allergy...
Wheezy: The planet must have some sort of poisonous gas in its atmosphere, and this has now been brought back to the ship.
Captain Braggart: We have had to put it in everything. Wheezy!
Wheezy: Not feeling too good, sir?
Captain Braggart: Find me a potion that can cure madness, or I'll kick your arse so hard you could build a pool in the footprint. Understood?

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Brad: Wheezy comes up with a solution he or she believes will work.

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Wheezy: I've tested it on myself, sir. Now to enter an infected area without a suit.
Captain Braggart: This can only end well.

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Brad: You watch Wheezy enter the area on a monitor. A few minutes later, he or she falls to his or her knees. Dead.

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Captain Braggart: Bollocks.
McSpindle: (dropping to knees) Med-i-cal off-i-cer Whee---zy!!!
Captain Braggart: He's never going to let up, is he?

TO BE CONTINUED...

Video Game Reviews

PES 2010: Pro Evolution Soccer
Konami
PC, Xbox 360, PSP, PS3 (Version Tested), Wii, PS2
Available Now - £44.99 (PS3, 360), £39.99 (Wii), £34.99 (PC) and £29.99 (PS2, PSP)
Review by Blake Harmer

PES 2010, which was once one of the best football games you could get, really has its work cut out for it this year. The series’ leap into the next generation hasn’t been too kind to it, and it has allowed it’s rival, EA’s FIFA series, to move ahead and take the crown. So with FIFA 2010 being one of the best football games yet, with it’s 360 degree dribbling, does PES 2010 stand a chance to make itself up to scratch and reclaim it’s title?

Well I’m happy to say that it is the best PES game yet, with most of the attention going into fixing the problems that had let the last two years down, and making it feel like a true next-gen football game. The graphics are spectacular with lots of players having spot on likenesses. The commentary has been improved although it is still quite shoddy and not as good as FIFA. The modes have also been tweaked making it easier to manage your team in the Master League mode. However, it does come with the price of making the management seem a bit more watered down and less of an in-depth experience.

The only major downsides from what is a great football game package is the Become a Legend mode which is rather dull and boring and hasn’t changed largely since last year, and most importantly, that the game hasn’t really evolved much. Sure, PES 2010 has refined itself and corrected the mistakes it’s made in the last two outings making this the best PES yet. However, with the competition constantly evolving and bettering itself, PES needs to do something amazing and fresh if it’s to pull itself ahead and reclaim it’s crown of best football game. However, if PES has sorted itself out this year, hopefully next year will leave room to create something really special.

The Emotionally Fourteen Games Rating
Graphics: Beautiful graphics with spot on likenesses. Especially Wayne Rooney who’s in game model really does look like a baked potato.
Sound/Music: Commentary is still shonky although not as laughably bad as the older games on PS1 and PS2. Good crowd noises though.
Gameplay: There have been a lot of fixes and improvements to the game but nothing innovative to the franchise. If you’ve played a PES game you will instantly be familiar with it.
Lasting Appeal: In depth career modes and online multiplayer makes the fun practically endless if footy is your bag.
Summary: This is the best PES game yet, and fans of the series will enjoy the improvements. However, the game needs to evolve to catch up with the likes of FIFA 2010 if PES wants to reclaim its former glory. All in all though this is a great game, and you won’t regret purchasing it. 8/10

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Voted the Sexiest Man in the World by Glamour Magazine, clinching ‘top male hottie’ at the Teen Choice Awards and the winner of the ‘Breakthrough Performance’ and ‘Best Kiss’ awards from MTV Movies for his smash hit Twilight, Robert Pattinson is one of Hollywood’s Hottest Heartthrobs today! To celebrate his success and to coincide with the launch of New Moon in cinemas, Revolver Entertainment have released the exclusive Robsessed Boxset on DVD.

Following his shot straight to fame from his role as Cedric Diggory in the legendary Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and fresh from his second major leading role in the Twilight Saga, the Robsessed Box Set features a the first ever behind-the-scenes access all areas documentary on the life of Robert Pattinson, plus The Haunted Airman starring the man himself in the title role. The boxset also includes the chance for fans to spend the whole year with Rob with an exclusive, free 2010 photo calendar.

Thanks to our friends at Revolver Entertainment, we've got a copy of the Robsessed Box Set, and three Robert Pattinson 2010 calenders to give away! For your chance of winning one, send us an e-mail to robsessed@rocketmail.com with your name and postal address before midday on Thursday 3rd December (UK time). The first four names drawn out of the electronic hat will win an awesome prize!

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F1 2009
Codemasters
(PSP, Wii (Version Tested))
Available Now - £39.99 (Wii) and £29.99 (PSP)
Review by Blake Harmer

Racing games to me have to be one of two things, they can either be exciting and filled with lots of explosions, like the fantastic Burnout series, or it has to be realistic. F1 2009 knows it cannot compare to Burnout so goes for being realistic (predictably seeing as it’s an official game of the F1 franchise). In some ways it achieves this, but sadly fails in other ways.

The game sticks to the realism by having everything that you can expect from an officially licence game. It has fully licensed names, vehicles and tracks, including the Singapore nighttime track as one of its main selling points. The game also has lots of modes including a full career that spans 3 years of game time so true fans can really become immersed in the world of racing. There is also a great sense of speed, there is nothing scarier than being thrilled that you’ve hit the top gear, only to realise you’ve run out of track and spun out into the sand.

However, the game is let down by some truly idiotic AI that didn’t seem to try and challenge you and were just following a preset track like the racing games of old. I also thought that the graphics aside from the car models were quite blocky, which is a shame, as I know that the Wii can generate better graphics than this. Lastly, I also found that the game didn’t accurately recognise how hard I was turning the Wii wheel when I needed it to which made it infuriating when I was trying to make some of the more difficult corners.

The Emotionally Fourteen Games Rating
Graphics: Fairly standard graphics. It would look nice on a PSP but the Wii can generate nicer graphics than this.
Sound/Music: Typical F1 car noises that become grating if you play it for too long. But it might be the fact I hate the engine noise an F1 car makes.
Gameplay: The full F1 experience with lots of modes to keep fans happy, I did feel that the game was let down by handling not being recognised very well by the Wii Wheel, and the AI being pretty poor.
Lasting Appeal: There is a big single player experience to be had with long career modes and lots of challenges to keep you occupied well until the next F1 season.
Summary: An enjoyable racing game but one I could only really recommend to fans of F1 racing. This is purely because there are much better racers out there, both simulation and arcade, and aside from the Singapore track, the game has little else going for it to make it truly stand out. Maybe next year Codemasters will give us a truly great F1 experience. 6/10

Agatha Christie: The ABC Murders
JoWood
DS
Available Now - £24.99
Review by Brad Harmer

A serial killer is on the loose, murdering his victims in alphabetical order, leaving an ABC Railway Guide beside each body and playing a dangerous game with Hercule Poirot. He alerts Poirot in advance of the locations of the murders, but Poirot always arrives too late. Intrigued by the psychopath's mind and methodology, Poirot travels the length and breadth of England - determined to track down this ruthless killer.

I’m all for crime games. I think that whodunits make the perfect format for video games. After all, most whodunits practically are gamebooks. You read along, theorising and guessing as to who committed the crime, desperate to outwit whichever smarmy git you have as a protagonist. The adaptation of The ABC Murders here, however, tragically falls pretty short of the mark.

You spend about 80% of your time clicking through cutscenes and pieces of dialogue that stretch the definition of the word “animated” to breaking point, and about 20% of it braining your way through various mathematics problems, logic conundrums and anagrams. The puzzles for the most part have little to do with the narrative, and you’ll frequently bump into a character who’ll say something along the lines of “I will help you, but first you must solve my riddle...”.

The thing is, the puzzles aren’t even all that hard. On top of that, the game provides no penalties for the number of guesses you make, or how long you take to solve it. So, it’s actually possible to work your way through the number puzzles by trial and error, simply counting up until you reach the right number.

With all this said, the narrative is very strong, and you’ll probably find yourself playing it through to completion because you want to find out who the murderer is. Not great, but bizarrely addictive.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Graphics: Nice backgrounds and character illustrations, although I have seen better animation on radio.
Sound/Music: The odd sound effect, and occasional clip of dialogue is well produced. There music is hum-drum MIDI.
Gameplay: Some logic problems are taxing, most are solved in two minutes or less.
Lasting Appeal: I completed the main story mode in just under three hours. I don’t exactly call that value for money, although there are two bonus mysteries included.
Summary: It would likely keep kids entertained on a holiday, but at a main running time of three hours, you could pick up the original novel and a puzzle book for a fraction of the price – and it would keep you entertained longer. 5/10

Why Your RPG Campaign Sucks

Since I started throwing dice, I’ve been involved in God knows how many RPG campaigns and leagues. And, without fail, every single one of them has just stopped. They never ended; they just stopped. The most common reason for this was because the GM (including myself, where appropriate) couldn’t be bothered any more. The principal reason for this is very simple – most gamers take their games way too seriously.

Gamers, being overly obsessive compulsive nerds, for the most part, are determined to do everything as big, epic and mind-blowing as possible. They’ll map out entire cities (even countries) for their fantasy campaign, devise scheming political factions for their sci-fi campaign, and create a rich backstory for their superhero campaign – but the fact is that all this is unnecessary.

There are very few role-players out there hardcore enough to want to dedicate one night of the week, every week, so that they can fart around in your Sword of Truth/Games of Thrones/Wheel of Time size fantasy epic. If there are, I’m sure they’ve got their own little dank corner of the Internet to reside in. You can spend hours filling out the factions within the local lord’s castle...but the fact is that all that your friends really want to do is kill some orcs.

It’s said time and time again by every game commentator, and in the introduction to every single rulebook, that role-playing is an adult’s version of “let’s pretend”. You’re supposed to be having fun, and play acting like a little kid. This is something that gets said almost as much as it gets ignored. So, let’s re-word it, and see if that works:

Playing an RPG should make you feel like playing with action figures did when you were a kid.

This works because every kid has done it. We all had action figures, be they Action Man, Optimus Prime or a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger. And not one of the games we played back then were epic, sweeping, complex mythologies. They were fun, blasting slices of Saturday Morning Cartoon action!

This has come up time and time again when organising stuff for my gaming group. I start to think to myself “Hey, wouldn’t it be great if we had an epic fantasy RPG game to play? D&D or Warhammer RP, Conan, something like that? We could do really epic quests and stuff!”

But the fact is, there isn’t a single thing that my gaming group would want to do in a fantasy game that they can’t already do in Descent. That’s a game that centres around picking characters, going into a dungeon, and killing the buggery out of some monsters. You don’t keep the same characters, you don’t level up, you don’t have to worry about motivation, or alignment, or any of that crap. You have to worry about coming to my house, playing with my toy soldiers, and having a bloody good time, and we do it all again the next day or the next week, or whenever.

This isn’t just limited to the fantasy genre. The number of times I’ve sat down and thought to myself “Hey, wouldn’t it be great if I started up a league for Nuthin’ But Net...”, and it never happens. The reason it never happens is that I spend so much time planning the league, how it would work, how trades or star players would factor, etc., that I keep forgetting to do the most important bit: ACTUALLY PLAY THE GAME. Wouldn’t it actually be much more in keeping with the spirit of gaming to get together, and actually play the game, rather than worrying about tracking some league that no-one will really give a shit about?

Think about the games your group is playing at the moment – the Hot Five. Are any of them on-going campaign driven? If so, are they in the minority compared to those one-shot games that involve just getting down and playing? And which of these do you most look forward to?

What’s I’m saying here is don’t let your gaming group become that book you never got around to writing. If you can capture that who-gives-a-shit-let’s-just-play attitude you had when you were dicking around with He-Man and Skeletor on the living room floor, or slamming your wrestling figures into each other with your friends from school, then you’ll have managed to get back to the essence of what gaming is supposed to be.

DVD Reviews

Terminator Salvation
McG
Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
Available Now - £19.99 (DVD), £24.99 (Blu-ray) and £74.99 (Blu-ray with Limited Edition T-600 Packaging)
Review by Brad Harmer

John Connor (Christian Bale – Treasure Island, Reign of Fire) was fated to lead the human resistance against Skynet and its army of Terminators. But the future Connor was raised to believe in is altered in part by the appearance of Marcus Wright (Sam Worthington), a stranger whose last memory is of being on death row. Connor must decide whether Marcus has been sent from the future, or rescued from the past. As Skynet prepares its final onslaught, Connor and Marcus both embark on an odyssey that takes them into the heart of Skynet's operations, where they uncover the terrible secret behind the possible annihilation of mankind.

For those disenfranchised by Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, or disappointed by the cancellation of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles – fear not. This latest installment of the franchise is, if not a spectacular return to form – then very certainly a step in the right direction.

Whilst the first Terminator movie was a claustrophobic cyber-horror movie, and the second was a no-holds barred Hollywood action movie – Terminator Salvation has taken it stylistically in another direction, in to the realms of pulp sci-fi. A non-stop stream of exciting, adrenaline fuelled action set-pieces – full of spectacular explosions, convenient plot-devices and giant robots.

There are several flaws with the movie, the biggest (if not the most readily apparent) being that it just doesn’t have the strong characters or “hook” of the original two movies (we’re okay to ignore the existence of number three, right? We are? Good.). Sure, we know who Reese and John Connor are, but they don’t ever truly make us identify with them as strongly as we do in the earlier installments. This isn’t as limiting as it may first appear, however, as the pulp-sci-fi style the movie has adopted doesn’t really need strong characters – the action set pieces carry it well enough.

The second being that the “twist” centering around one of the main characters is so obvious from the start, that I’m not ever sure it was supposed to be a twist.

With these pretty minor flaws aside, Terminator Salvation is a fun, blockbuster installment in a franchise that many of us feared was dead and buried. Hopefully we’ll see more of the same quality in the future.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Shooting, fisticuffs, explosions, giant robots with laser guns, buildings collapsing, some mild torture sequences, stabbings, grenade launchers used at close proximity.
Sex/Nudity: Some very muscle topless male nudity.
Swearing: IMDB lists one fuck, 4 shits, 1 dick, and “at least several blasphemies”. Is anyone knows what the hell is meant by the phrase “at least several”, please comment.
Summary: A revitalizing installement to the franchise. Fans willing to accept a difference stylistic take on the series will be very satisfied. 8/10

Ice Age 3 - Dawn of the Dinosaurs
Carlos Saldanha
20th Century Fox Home Entertainment
Available Now - £19.99 (DVD) and £29.99 (Blu-ray)
Review by Blake Harmer

The Ice Age series to me has always been about two things, Scrat’s Wile E. Coyote like attempts to hold onto the one thing he loves in life, his acorn, and witty comedy that can be enjoyed by kids and adults alike, making it a close contender to the Shrek series for striking this balance. However, unlike the Shrek series, it seems that Ice Age has managed to improve over the series rather than failing to be as good as the original movie.

In Ice Age 3, Manny and Ellie, are expecting a baby, which leaves Manny anxious to ensure that everything is perfect for when his baby arrives. Diego is worried that he is becoming too laid-back and decides to leave the herd to seek his own adventure. Sid begins to wish for a family of his own, and so steals some dinosaur eggs which leads to Sid being captured by the mother dinosaur, and it’s up to everyone to try and rescue him.

All the loveable things about Ice Age have returned, from Manny’s blunt humour delivered with great timing by Ray Romano, to Scrat’s look of “Oh, shit!” as he’s about to fall down a cliff. Add to that the brilliantly insane Buck (voiced by Simon Pegg) and lots of action and you have a great family film that’s funny and exciting from start to finish. Also, adding children to the story hasn’t damaged the story like it did in Shrek the Third, and I could potentially see a fourth movie coming out whilst I couldn’t see a Shrek 4 being made.

However, where the DVD edition is let down is more in the movie’s extra’s. The DVD set is just in 2D rather than the excellent 3D version that was shown in cinemas. That, and there are no extras with the DVD which is surprising as I would have expected some featurettes on the making of the film and some interactive games for younger viewers. I can only assume from Scrat’s apologetic looking face on the DVD menu, that the extras were all nut flavoured so he had stolen them all.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: A bit of slapstick comedy violence with some dinosaurs. And Scrat has some mishaps and gets into fights with his new love interest Scratte. But nothing overly gory or ultra-violent.
Sex/Nudity: None, a few mild references to genitalia, but nothing offensive.
Swearing: None at all, this is a children’s film after all.
Summary: An excellent addition to the franchise that will be enjoyed by both adults and children. However, it remains to be seen whether or not there is any more room for another sequel to the franchise since the “baby” thing that killed off the shrek franchise. But to know that, only time will tell. 8/10

Red Cliff: Special Edition
John Woo
Entertainment In Video
Available Now - £22.99 (DVD) and £29.99 (Blu-ray)
Review by Blake Harmer

As mentioned in my previous review of The Three Kingdoms John Woo's big budget return to Asian cinema is a retelling of the Romance in the Three Kingdoms, but choosing to stick to the main story of Sun Quan and Liu Bei fighting the forces of Cao Cao and trying to unite China under one flag rather than based on the life of the soldier Zhao Zilong. If you are a fan of Chinese history or the Dynasty Warriors computer games (if you can’t be bothered with history but like lots of killing), then you are in for a treat.

The film is excellent from start to finish and is directed superbly. The action scenes (as you would expect from a John Woo movie) are excellent. I personally didn’t know that there were so many ways you could kill someone with a spear until I saw this. This epic that is spread over two films (one on each disc) is very interesting and keeps you wanting more right up until it’s conclusion. The acting is also brilliant, with special mention to Tony Leung who gives a brilliant performance as Zhou Yu.

The only problem that I found with the film came from its length. I do not normally have a problem with epics, but I did feel that a few of the scenes in the film were over long and unnecessarily drawn out. However, if you look past this, then this is a fine piece of Asian cinema, and one of John Woo’s best films in years, you won’t be disappointed.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: There is a lot of bloodshed (this is a war film after all) with very impressive looking kills as the generals kill several people with a wave of their spear. Fans of John Woo's action set pieces will not be disappointed.
Sex/Nudity: One or two sex scenes, but you don’t really see anything.
Swearing: None that is really noticeable in the translation. The film is more about politics, strategy and kicking large amounts of buttocks.
Summary: A great epic and a return to form for John Woo in my opinion. The direction is beautiful; the action is impressive and puts a lot of emphasis on looking cool. A must see for fans of John Woo and Asian cinema alike. Just be expected to put up with some drawn out scenes in between the blood shed. 9/10

Smallville Season 8
Warner Home Video
Available Now - £49.99 (DVD) and £59.99 (Blu-ray)
Review by Charlotte Barnes

Years ago, a meteor shower burst from the heavens, raining destruction on the unsuspecting citizens of Smallville, Kansas. From the ashes of tragedy grew Clark Kent, whose transition from boyhood to manhood was particularly difficult as he came to grips with his emerging superpowers. This season, Clark is at a crossroads - and closer than ever to becoming the superhero of legend. He will face his ultimate challenge with the emergence of a legendary, unstoppable destroyer - and this won't be the only nemesis to appear.

I really groaned at the prospect of having to watch and review the latest season of Smallville as my experiences of the series in the past left a bitter taste in my mouth. Although the content of previous series were interesting and it was nice to watch a different take on the Superman franchise, the direction and acting of previous series were just so damn cheesy! It had that dim mood lighting that just screamed American soap opera and as soon as an important plotline was revealed or a important suspenseful incident happened the camera would pan out and the main actor would turn to face camera and start conversing with the audience rather than the other actor. Surprisingly season eight wasn’t the steaming pile of dog shit I thought it was going to be. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t amazing, but it only had a waft of poo-like elements to it rather than a full stench.

I have always been much more of a Marvel fan and tend to enjoy reading more anti-hero comics such as The Punisher. So what I enjoyed about this series is the involvement of the Doomsday arc as it was nice to see another true villain in the show, that was fundamentally the polar opposite of Clark Kent and not Lex Fucking Luthor.

There is still plenty of cheese, the acting is still as hack as ever, but we can forgive it for the following reason... Oliver Queen aka Green Arrow’s biceps. As soon as the story starts to lull out pops Oliver with barely anything on; definitely a show for the girls...YUM!

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Plenty of blood and death, Doomsday is a rock hard character!
Sex/Nudity: No sex persay, but plenty of abs and a bit of side boob.
Swearing: Nope, this is a wholesome American show...
Summary: Better than previous series, I can see why teenagers like it. 6/10

Christmas Time In South Park
Paramount Home Entertainment
Available Now - £14.99 (DVD)
Review by Brad Harmer

There's no better time of the year than Christmas, especially in South Park. So stop fighting with the family, gather 'round the fire and watch these classic South Park episodes. Join in as the citizens of South Park sing many of everyone's favorite holiday classics, like "Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo" and "Christmas Time in Hell." See the boys bring Christmas to Iraq and learn how hard it is to be a Jew during this holiday season. Christmas is a time when we all can put aside out differences and agree on what the holidays are really about: presents!

Yeah, The Simpsons went downhill. Yeah, Family Guy isn’t as funny as it used to be. But two solid gold facts remain: one) Futurama will always be funny and, two) South Park will always be funny.

This compilation, comprising all seven Christmas episodes of the poorly animated but hilariously scripted South Park is an excellent Christmas compilation, pulling together some classic moments as a festive dinner shared with Charles Manson, and the all musical Mr Hankey’s Christmas Classics. This is the perfect compilation to get you into an, admittedly rather alternative, Christmas mood, or to brighten up someone’s Terrence and Phillip Stockings.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Seven episodes, Kenny gets killed seven times.
Sex/Nudity: Some references.
Swearing: Frequent. You have seen South Park, right?
Summary: An excellent compilation of episodes, for a rather good price – 9/10

Frankly Un-Necessary Licensed Products

This week on Emotionally Fourteen, we take a look at licensed products that make you wonder: Do marketing executives have a sense of humour, or is their finger slightly off the pulse of popular culture? Like, say, jammed up their own arse?

Wu-Tang Clan Playstation Controller
Now, there are plenty of licensed game controllers that have come and gone, and some of them have been great (like the Resident Evil 4 Chainsaw Controller), some of them have been pretty disgusting to look at (The Miami Dolphins' Playstation Controller - check out the orange. How lovely, right?) and some have been frankly...un-necessary.

Released to coincide with the licensed game Wu-Tang: Shaolin Style (Wu-Tang: Taste the Pain in PAL territories) in 1999 on Playstation, the controller was designed for gamers who wanted the complete Wu-Tang Clan experience. Now, I quite enjoy the Wu-Tang Clan, if only because they're happy to send themselves up and seem to be pretty fun guys. If you're in any doubt, track down a copy of any of their appearances on Chappelle's Show. I guarantee you'll at least chuckle, and if you've got the right sense of humour, you'll piss yourself. Figuratively, anyway. I don't want to have people suing me because they have been finding themselves with completely dry pants. That's almost the last thing I need.

Incidentally, the last thing I need? Laser-guided scissors.

Anyway, this controller was largely a functional failure, if only for one simple reason; due to the horrendous shape of the controller (which makes even the original Xbox controller look efficient), the designers were not able to allow for analogue sticks or vibration effects. So essentially, this limited edition controller was 'limited' in more ways than just scarcity.

Rock Band Drum skins

Everyone by now will know my feelings on music games (without wanting to insert excessive linkage in here, I feel that there are too many and that it's getting ridiculous in terms of the bands they're getting involved in the games), but even I understand that there is a positive side to these games. I do own Rock Band and have owned Guitar Hero games in the past, so I can totally understand that there is a tremendous amount of fun to be had with these games.

However, I can't help but feel that there are limits to the accessories that should be made to accompany the game. I was alright with drum sticks, because obviously they are real drum sticks that can be used by real drummers. I understood (to an extent guitar picks with the game logo on, because although the picks don't really suit the game itself because of the strum bar mechanic, they can be used by real guitarists to play real songs on a real guitar. Really.

However, what the fuck are with these drum pads? You can't use them on a real drum kit, so they fall flat on that point of view. Besides, is anyone REALLY hitting drum pads that hard on a COMPUTER GAME?! Seriously, it worries me immensely when people smash the shit out of the pads on my Rock Band set, it's not like the game goes "Wow, this guy's getting into the game. He deserves a higher score." It's a game, douchebags. I really enjoy Assassin's Creed, but I wouldn't expect a higher score for killing a peasant as I was playing. There's such a thing as TOO into the game.

Halo 3 Helmet

Firstly, a little history, E14ies. I was once an employee of the largest video game retailer in the UK, GAME. Over the course of my tenure, I saw a number of special editions come into stock that were of various degrees of quality. Now, it's my feeling that a good special edition needs to do one of two things:

1) If it has a higher RRP than the standard edition, I expect it to have an amount of extras appropriate to the price difference. Special features are a welcome addition to any media, DVD or game alike, so behind the scenes featurettes, interviews with designers and voice over talent, anything like that is worth an extra £5-10 or so. Beyond that, you'll struggle to find any price I think is acceptable without some sort of extra attachment, like a lunchbox (thank you Fallout 3).

2) Should a special edition not have any extra features, and the only extra is that it comes in a limited edition steelbook or something, it should be the same price. I'm fine with different shops having a limited edition cover or something like that, but I don't expect to pay more for said cover.

Now, when Halo 3 was given a release date, there were three codes in the pre-order catalogue. One was the standard edition, which retailed at £39.99. The second was the limited edition that retailed for £44.99 if memory serves, possibly £49.99, which came with an extra disc of bonus content. As I said, I was fine with the cost of this particular edition, which is why I ended up purchasing and enjoying it. However, one was called the 'Legendary' edition and promised all the above features along with a ceremonial Spartan helmet bust for £69.99, a price which most Halo fans were all too happy to pay.

Now, that helmet you see there is essentially a cover for the inside, which is simply a game storage space. It's literally just that, a glorified book-end. The space inside the helmet is the exact height, width and length of the special edition of the game. NOTHING more. You can't wear it, and more disappointingly, you can't even put it on a pet.

DVD Reviews

Bitten
Harvey Glazer
Brightspark Productions
Available now: RRP £14.99
Review by Rob Wade

Jack is a paramedic whose life just couldn't get any worse. His job is night shift, he can never get any sleep and he's taking abuse from all angles, from his tyrant landlady all the way to his bitch ex-girlfriend. That is, until he meets Danika. Found in a pool of her own blood and suffering from horrendous bite marks, she seems like she's hooked on something bad. Jack takes her in and patches her up, only to find that there is more to her than meets the eye...

This film was nowhere near as bad as I was expecting. Yes, the acting is decidedly ropey at the best of times (particularly during the film's emotional crescendo - some HORRIBLY cheesy dialogue there). Yes, the film is comprised of Jay from the Kevin Smith movies, a girl from one of the straight-to-DVD American Pie movies and a guy who wants SO badly to be Jack Nicholson it's shameless. Yes, the film has some seriously bad choices in technical direction. For example, every time the two paramedics are discussing particularly graphic sexual practises, everything is accompanied by a sound effect, from his buddy Roger telling him to "give her the shocker" receiving an electrical sound to the sound of a tea bag hitting a cup of water when Jack says he's going to...you've guessed it.

Despite this, however, the film is endearing in its own strange way. The dialogue at times is ludicrously funny thanks to Jason Mewes' seemingly endless torrents of F-bombs during the course of a dialogue, particularly when frustrated or panicky. The film isn't a bad idea conceptually, and isn't so horrendous in its execution that it is poorly made technically (aside from the sound effect issues). Plus, as straight-to-DVD movies go, this isn't actually too bad. The production values are pretty high, and the film is shot in a pleasant enough quality that it doesn't cause headaches.

Shame really, everyone loves a good "This vampire movie SUCKS LOLZ" joke.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating :
Violence : Plenty of vampire bites, understandably, but nothing more than that.
Sex/Nudity : Plenty of tits and a sex scene, though it's hard to make out what's really going on.
Swearing : It's got Jason Mewes in it. What do you reckon?
Summary: A reasonable film, just entertaining enough to justify watching but let down by some unusual film-making choices. Maybe worth a rent if you fancy a chuckle, but certainly worth waiting for the price to come down if you're intent on buying it. 6/10

Mobile Suit Gundam 00: Volume 2
Seiji Mizushima
Beez Entertainment
Available Now - £34.99
Review by Blake Harmer

Whilst volume two of the Gundam Wing 00 series isn’t as impressive and filled with booty as the first volume’s special edition, you’ll be happy to know that the DVD is a lot cheaper. However, what it does retain is everything that is great about the first volume, from its complex plot, to its large amounts of robot carnage.

The plot carries on from the first volume and continues the escapades of Celestial Being and its attempts to bring an end to all war through armed force. However, there are lots of obstacles to overcome including a terrorist organisation that are trying to take advantage of Celestial Beings' ideals. Whilst another group is trying to steal the Gundam units.

Everything that made the first volume great is here: Lots of mech smashing, usually involving laser swords or large cannons of some description. There is also, a deep complex plot with excellent animation and artwork.

However, the downsides to the previous volume are also the same, as the plot can sometimes get a bit too political and I felt that it detracts from the source of the main enjoyment, which is large robots tearing each other limb from limb. However, when the robot killing is going on, Gundam Wing 00 is superb.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Lots of robot explosions and destruction. Most death is normally down to explosions and you don’t really see any blood or guts.
Sex/Nudity: none that really leapt out at me, this is not a tentacle filled anime and is more aimed at a teenage to adult audience.
Swearing: some swearing but nothing to get hugely excited about. All profanity is used realistically.
Summary: If you liked the first volume, volume 2 carries on the story line and gives you more of the same. If giant flying mechs blowing the hell out of things, and an in depth plot is your bag, then I recommend checking this out. However, I highly recommend you see the first volume first if you are to have any chance of following the story. 8/10

E14 Exchange

Brad: I hate your face, by the way.
Rob : I know. I figured you'd tell me if anything changed
Brad: If we work on that assumption, I just won't say anything to you ever.
Rob : That'd make the site difficult.

___________________________________________________


Rob : Jesus, Whitney Houston is starting to look like Huggy Bear from Starsky & Hutch.
Brad: I've heard that.
Rob : See for yourself.
Brad: Jesus.


___________________________________________________


Brad: Explain the appeal of Cascada to me. I don't get it.
Rob : Cascada? Is that a swimming pool?
Brad: No, it's a band. When I first heard the name mentioned aloud, I didn't realise it was a band. I assumed it was a font.

___________________________________________________


Rob : My girlfriend's dozed off on the sofa next to me in a white hoodie, it's like Assassin's Creed in the off season.
Brad: That game should have been called Qatar Hero.

___________________________________________________


Brad: I really need to watch our hard-space. We've only got 0.8 gig left on the main hard-drive. And the other hard-drive is dedicated to music.
Rob : Ahhh. Does it play often?
Brad: Totally. It's like INSERT BAND HERE on speed.
Rob : I'd like to be dedicated to music, I find so many other things get in the way.
Brad: That was the catch-all way of describing this new band you'd heard when I was sixteen. Every band was some-other-band-on-crack/speed/acid.
Rob : Yeah, not much has changed, I find.
Brad: It only works with some drugs. You'd never hear "The Sensational Alex Harvey Band are like John Mayall and The Blues-Breakers on Special Brew!"

___________________________________________________


Brad: This new Messenger is made of fail.
Rob : New Messenger?
Brad: MSN just did an update a couple of days ago. It stinks like a donkey's dick.
Rob : I didn't even realise, must have downloaded it without noticing.
Brad: You'd notice. What OS are you running?
Rob : XP SP3.
Brad: Maybe its a Vista thing, then. Vista likes updates. A lot.
Rob : "Updates are due for your computer"
"Alright, I'll download"
"1% compl...Updates are due for your computer"

Book Reviews

The Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks
Max Brooks
Gerald Duckworth & Co Ltd
Available from 26th November - £12.99
Review by Blake Harmer

Zombies seem to have become very popular in the land of horror fiction over the last few years. From comics such as Marvel Zombies and The Walking Dead through to collections of zombie themed short stories and Max Brooks’s previous works (The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z) it seems as though everyone is going zombie mad. So it is with no surprise that Max Brooks has released a new addition to his zombie franchise, but this time it’s a graphic novel.

The graphic novel has a narrator detailing zombie uprisings that have occurred throughout history and shows how each of the uprisings were dealt with and covered up. It also shows that certain historical events, which we have taken as fact could have been humanity’s attempts to stop any future zombie outbreaks.

Because of the way that the stories have been told, especially those that are set further back in time, a lot of the comic is without any dialogue and is just showing what is happening. Normally involving lots of zombies eating people. The standout stories in the book are the ones that change history to fit in with Brooks’s universe. For example, the Egyptians removed the brain during mummification to stop bodies reanimating rather than just for ceremonial purposes, and also that Hadrian’s wall was built to protect from further zombie attacks rather than to keep barbarians out.

However, it is this method of storytelling that leads to the book’s biggest downfall. Because of the way the narrator is summarising events from the past whilst the artwork shows what is happening, the lack of any heavy dialogue means that each story relies heavily on the artwork to convey the story. Whilst this does work for most of the book, I found that there were a couple of sections where the artwork didn’t clearly show what was happening which made the story a little confusing until the narrator stepped in to clear it up a few panels later. Another downside is that a lot of the stories (if not all of them) appear to be taken from World War Z, and I think it would have been nice to have a few more original stories in the book rather than just a collection of World War Z in pictures.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: Lots of zombie killing and flesh biting, as you would expect from a comic about zombies.
Sex/Nudity: a couple of boob shots but nothing sexual happens in the book.
Swearing: None.
Summary: All in all, this is a nicely presented package and a worthy addition to your collection of all things zombie related, especially if you are already a fan of Max Brooks’s works, despite the lack of new material. People who haven’t read the books will enjoy the little zombie related stories even though the comic doesn’t compare to the sheer awesomeness of The Walking Dead series. Definitely worth having a look at if horror is your bag though. 7/10

Zombies: A Record Of The Year Of Infection
Chris Lane Don Roff
Simon and Schuster Ltd
Available now: RRP £14.99
Review by Rob Wade

Zombies: A Record Of The Year Of Infection chronicles a fictional character's survival through a year of zombie infection. The diary is also illustrated throughout, as the protagonist serves to make this diary worth something to society in the event of its discovery. The concept of an illustrated diary is an interesting one, particularly as The Pop-Up Anne Frank didn't catch on.

This book is an interesting concept, with the illustrations of a high quality. Think somewhere along the lines of The Walking Dead, and you're along the right lines. It's got a good style, quite visceral and only uses reds against a pale background for added effect. The look is quite a good one, and does feel a bit like a diary illustrated by an amateur artist (although are you honestly telling me that this guy had access to this sort of stationery the whole way through the year?)

July 13th: Got another red biro. Just in time it seems.

I have to say though, this book seems to try very hard to become a seminal work in zombie fiction, but falls short. Ultimately, the problem is that it just underwhelms and is a little bit of a cop-out when it tries to define itself among the true greats. For example, the author has a chance to settle the question of whether or not zombies are able to run, and COPS OUT of the question. Tragic. By the way, they can't, ok? Don't kid yourself.

The problem I've got with this book is not that it's a bad book by any means. It's an interesting read, and a perfectly decent zombie book. It's just that it's simply that. A perfectly decent zombie book. Not a fantastic zombie book, not a superb zombie book. A decent one.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Plenty of violence, but nothing particularly gruesome save the ending.
Sex/Nudity: None.
Swearing: Very little.
Summary: What could be an essential purchase falls short by just not pushing the boundaries sufficiently to define any new territory, and by not going into sufficient depth in the established territory of zombie literature to really establish itself as a work of really noticeable quality. 6/10

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An ancient, supernatural, sentient weapon of unparalleled destructive force that also holds a seemingly limitless potential for protecting its bearer, the Witchblade has been coveted and sought throughout history by countless men eager to control it. But for reasons unknown, this fearsome artefact can only be bestowed upon a woman, chosen by the blade itself and one whose fate will forever be scarred by the burden of its power.

After being found barely conscious at the epicentre of a devastating earthquake that almost wiped Japan from the face of the earth, single mother Masane Amaha has existed on the fringes of society, constantly on the run from the agents of the Child Welfare Ministry who are concerned for the safety of Masane's young daughter, Rihoko. But Masane's true destiny was written long ago…

Finally tracked down by the Agency, Masane finds herself behind bars as Rihoko is taken into protective custody. Concerned only with retrieving her daughter, Masane is overwhelmed by a force beyond comprehension as the Witchblade reveals itself to its new host. But getting Rihoko back proves to be the least of Masane's worries. The eyes of a giant corporation known as the Doji Group have been watching and waiting for the mythical weapon to reappear and now they believe they have found what they were looking for.

One of the most beautifully produced and impressive looking anime series in recent memory, Witchblade also boasts an unusually emotive and involving storyline that posits a moving mother-daughter relationship saga against the backdrop of an explosive supernatural action-adventure.

Thanks to our friends at MVM, we've got two copies of the complete series box set to give away! For your chance of winning one, send us an e-mail to witchbladegiveaway@rocketmail.com with your name and postal address before midday on Thursday 26th November (UK time). The first two names drawn out of the electronic hat will win a free copy of this awesome series!

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The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Stephenie Meyer
Atom
Available Now - £9.99
Review by Brad Harmer

For Bella Swan, there is one thing more important than life itself: Edward Cullen. But being in love with a vampire is more dangerous than Bella ever could have imagined. Edward has already rescued Bella from the clutches of an evil vampire but now, as their daring relationship threatens all that is near and dear to them, they realise their troubles may just be beginning...

To say that Meyer’s prose is “heavy-handed” would be an understatement. I think this the only time in life that foreshadowing has given me a concussion. As if the “hint” about werewolves in the first book wasn’t bad enough, she starts hamming it up within thirty pages, they don’t actually make an appearance until about two-thirds in, where, surprise-surprise, Bella is totally unfazed by them. Sure she’s been making out with a vampire for six months, but I’m fairly sure that another supernatural creature turning up would at least make her pause a little.

“Huh. Cthulhu is our new lecturer? And he has a crush on me? That is a little odd.”

Things progress in a relatively similar manner to the first instalment. Bella has to make a choice as to who she wants to go out with – the pale, arrogant cockpouch who spent pretty much the entire first book being a complete dick, and who then dumps her in the first fifty pages of this one; or the motor-cycle riding Native American werewolf. See if you can guess who she goes for.

Whilst the prose and characters are a significant improvement over the first instalment, the whole story just feels unnecessary. Nothing really changes between the beginning and the end of the story. Fans will no doubt love and adore it, like fans of other franchises adore their shitty/pointless instalments (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Attack of the Clones, etc.).

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: Some vampire scuffling, but most violence is by second-hand description.
Sex/Nudity: Some snogging. Not much. I will, however, say that any relationship between a human and a vampire is technically bestiality. Think about it.
Swearing: None.
Summary: More interesting and believable than the first book, although much is merely set dressing for the books that follow. Werewolves FTW. 8/10

The Penguin Complete Sherlock Holmes
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Penguin/Viking Royal
Available Now - £30.00 (Hardback) and £18.99 (Paperback)
Review by Brad Harmer

Sherlock Holmes is not only the most famous character in crime fiction, but arguably the most famous character in all fiction. In sixty adventures that pit his wit and courage against foreign spies, blackmailers, cultists, petty thieves, murderers, swindlers, policemen (both stupid and clever), and his arch-nemesis Moriarty, Sherlock Holmes, together with his faithful sidekick Dr. John H. Watson, proves himself to be not only the quintessential detective but also the most engaging and entertaining company any reader could ask for.

I first read Sherlock Holmes when I was eleven, re-read all of them when I was twenty-two, and have now just re-read them, aged twenty-seven for this review. It seems that no matter how old I was, or what other interests I had, I have always loved Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, and Sherlock Holmes. Which is not really that surprising, because now, as always, they’re excellent.

Whilst never really “whodunits” in the traditional sense, as it’s all but (and sometimes, completely) impossible for the reader to make any attempt at solving the case before Holmes does; they are excellent adventure stories. It never seems to matter that they aren’t “fair”, but rather you’re blown away by exactly how awesome Holmes is. And Watson has his moments, to be fair.

The majority of the work is out of copyright, of course, so online versions are easy enough to find, but having it all in one chunky volume like this is a real pleasure. This would make an excellent Christmas present for at least one person you know.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Some murderising, scuffling, shooting and boxing.
Sex/Nudity: None.
Swearing: None.
Summary: An outstanding compilation of one of the greatest characters the world has ever seen. If you don’t already own a copy, this is well worth investing in. 10/10

Legend: 25th Anniversary Edition
David Gemmell
Orbit
Available Now - RRP £7.99
Review by Rob Wade

Legend is a fantasy story somewhere in between Lord of the Rings and Conan in terms of storyline. The kingdom of the Drenai is under threat from a brilliant tactician, and the city of Dros Delnoch is his target. In order to successfully defend the city, the Earl must do all he can to muster his forces. From all corners of the kingdom he has armies on their way, but will their arrival be too late? Also, will the re-appearance of the man named Druss the Legend allow the defenders one last glorious battle against insurmountable odds?

I initially thought I wasn't going to enjoy this book. I found the prologue overly long-winded and it seemed to be trying to throw too many names into the mix too quickly. Thankfully, the book is sufficiently well written to allow for a decent amount of narrative flow and the characters really feel like they've jumped off the page into your mind. They are THAT easy to imagine. Within the first few chapters of the book, I had an image of the main characters in my head without any problems (it's always nice when a book is sufficiently well written to allow this to happen without too much trouble). Casting the book as a Hollywood blockbuster was trickier, but only because I would have cast Sean Connery as Druss, and although that character is getting on a bit, there are different levels of that aren't there?

The novel is extremely exciting from start to finish, coming along at a decent pace. The action sections are quick yet clear, which is something fairly difficult to do in fantasy. Everything transitions really easily from section to section (otherwise the psychic characters would just get fucking confusing). The story is extremely solid, taking all the best elements from the classic fantasy authors without feeling at any point like it's a shameless rip-off.

What's nice about it though is that the story, despite being a fantasy novel, has a serious sense of believability to it. The characters are human beings in that they are flawed, imperfect specimens, a testament to Gemmell's skill as a writer. Even Druss the Legend has his flaws, despite being the main focus of the novel for half the book.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: It's...a book about a war.
Sex/Nudity: A few inferrences, but of a PG variety.
Swearing: A few instances of "bastard" and "son of a bitch", also a nice amount of usage of the word "Whoreson", which seems to be punctuation during one particular section.
Summary: This book is awesomeness incarnate. It's not hard to see why Gemmell is held in such high esteem as a fantasy writer. Absolutely exquisite to read, a true pleasure. 10/10