Friday 30 October 2009

Dickass DM - Hallowe'en Special - Part Two

Last week, we began our Hallowe'en Special of Dickass DM by playing the notorious Fighting Fantasy gamebook House of Hell. Rob had a run in with a coffee unloading butler, a killer zombie and a frigid ghost...but what awaits him next in this week's terrifying conclusion?

Missed the first part? You can catch up here!

Brad: You gingerly pat the curtains, to make sure nothing scary is behind them.
Rob: Why pat curtains?
Brad: I went to school with him.
Rob: Ah.
Brad: A rumble of thunder makes you jump; there's nothing scary there - although the bars across the window are a little disconcerting. Written in condensation in one corner are the words "Mordana In Abaddon". You return to the top of the stairs. You can try the un-marked door, go back round the landing, or go down the stairs
Rob: Try unmarked door.
Brad: ...
Rob: I'm trying old text-based adventure game language.
Brad: Two can play at that game: "I do not understand DOOR".
Rob: Bite me.
Brad: You step into a small storeroom. There are shelves to the left and right, and facing you is another door, about two foot from your face.
Rob: I search the shelves.
Brad: Amongst the crockery, you find a large meat knife, which could be used as a weapon. There are also several cloves of garlic, which you can take if you want. There's also an unlabelled white liquid in a bottle.
Rob: I'll take the garlic.

Rob has acquired +1 Bulb of Garlicness

Rob: "Open new door". I get the feeling the white liquid isn't milk...
Brad: This door leads to a hallway. To the left is a door labelled "Shaitan", and to the right is a door labelled "Mammon".
Rob: Okay. I go through the Shaitan one. Sorry, wait: "Enter Shaitan door"
Brad: Any particular reason?
Rob: No?...
Brad: Just making conversation.
Rob: For most people, having a conversation with the Supreme Being is bizarre. For RPG characters, it seems not.
Brad: Behind the door is a luxurious bedroom, with a four poster bed in the corner. A three-piece suite surround the fireplace. The fire is smouldering, but the room is unoccupied. There are two doors in the opposite room. Do you want to go in, or turn back?
Rob: I go in.
Brad: Hmm...the GM said all but said "are you sure?", but whatever...The door locks shut with a click as it closes behind you.
Rob: Oh, bugger.
Brad: A voice greets you, but you can see no-one.
Rob: See what I mean? This must be the Lord.

Voice: So! Our visitor is inquisitive, eh? Or are you trying to leave the house? Perhaps our hospitality is not to your liking. Maybe you would like to see some more - shall we say - amusements?
Rob: I got lost, which way is the bathroom?

Brad: The voice makes you nervous, and you rack up another FEAR point (now 6/9). You could stay and chat, or leave quicky?
Rob: I guess I talk to the voice.
Brad: A figure raises from the armchair in front of you, and turns to face you. He is tall and pale, with black hair and wearing a long black cape, fastened with a gold clasp.

Suave Dude: Yes, so far you have fared well against the occupants of the house. But I believe you will find that your run of luck has come to an end. Step forward so that I can see you.

Rob: I get my knife out. Stealthily..
Brad: Do you want to use your knife...or is there something else you can think of to use?
Rob: Rub the knife in Garlic!
Brad: Well, I was going to say "curl up and cry", but whatever...As you draw the garlic out of your pocket, the vampire draws away, repulsed. He backs off towards the bed. He is heading to the door on the right.
Rob: I run for the door on right.
Brad: "Into the vampire's nest! That's the safest place to be!"
Rob: He's weak from Garlic, maybe he'll have something nearby I can kill him with!
Brad: You throw the garlic at the vampire and bolt for the door. He falls shrieking to the floor in fear. The door opens into a cupboard...of sorts.
Rob: Hahaha, pussy!
Brad: The back wall slides aside, revealing a hidden passageway. The vampire is recovering, and clambering to his feet, so you decide to chance it and bolt inside. You slam the door behind you.
Rob: SLAM!
Brad: There is an evanescent glow in the passageway, and you make your way slowly forward. After a few minutes, you come to a stairway leading downwards. A dozen or so steps later, you reach another passageway.
Rob: Jesus, this is like Lovecraft.
Brad: Awesome, you mean?
Rob: "Down and down I went, ever closer until OH JESUSWHATTHEFUCKI'MMENTALNOW!"
Brad: You're not a Lovecraft fan, are you?
Rob: He's all right...
Brad: *scribbles in DM's notes*...Uh-huh...
Rob: What are you doing?
Brad: Nothing. There is a door in the wall, and then the steps continue downwards.
Rob: "Go through door".
Brad: Thorin sits down and sings about gold. The door leads into a small room. Another door leads directly off, but there is something else in the room holding your attention.
Rob: Ouch! My attention!
Brad: A haze is hanging on the wall, almost like a sparkly Cullen-like curtain of water. Reaching out to it, your finger passes straight through.
Rob: What colour is this haze?...
Brad: Mauve. Like the rain. And the one eyed, one horned flying people eater.
Rob: Ahhhhh.
Brad: Plucking up some courage, you push your head through, and realise that you're head has passed straight through a large mirror into a reception room. On the wall opposite is a mural of a medieval scene. There is a dining table and six chairs in the middle of the room. You hear voices outside the door, and draw your head back hurriedly.
Rob: Okay, I try the other door in the room.
Brad: The door is locked.
Rob: Fine...I try the mirror again, dickass.
Brad: Back through, the coast is now clear, and you head out of the door. You enter a hallway. You can take the door to your left, or follow the hallway to the right.
Rob: I go through the door to the left
Brad: The door is locked. You go down the hallway to the right. PSYCHE!
Rob: Ooooh, you bitch!
Brad: The hallway widens, and you continue in the direction you were walking until you reach two doors opposite each other.
Rob: Right. I've been doing a lot of lefts. I will inevitably come back on myself
Brad: The door leads into a kitchen. Pots and pans hang along the wall. A double sink is beneath the window, next to a fridge and a cooker. A square table is in the centre of the room. There are two other doors. One looks like it leads out, and one looks like the entrance to a pantry. A bunch of keys is on top of the cooker.
Rob: I pike those keys!
Brad: You pick up the keys, and scream in pain! They are red hot. Were you using your dominant hand to pick them up?
Rob: Probably? I guess I'll "Test my luck" again. Maybe I picked them up with my ring finger.
Brad: Good move. You were using your off hand. The scream and the sound of the keys dropping have made quite a noise, however. Your fears are confirmed, when four men enter. They are all dressed in white gowns, and goats head masks. Armed with knives and lengths of wood, they grab your wrists, and drag you down into the cellar. They throw you into a prison cell. And that's where you spend the rest of your life. Game over.
Rob: ...
Brad: ...
Rob: You're kidding.
Brad: Not in the slightest. Let's go over the post game analysis. Were you happy with the way it was going until the end?
Rob: Yeah, seemed to be all right until the whole "Death in prison" thing.
Brad: What I thought was great was the way you were asked whether or not you wanted to risk the damage from using your off-hand on the keys. It made no difference at all, as the next paragraph killed you.
Rob: That's a good point, I didn't think of that.
Brad: As I mentioned to you behind the scenes, this is one of those "one true path" games, where only one sequence of choices will lead to a win.
Rob: All right, so what was the true path?
Brad: I took the liberty of looking up a walkthrough online. At what point do you think you went wrong?
Rob: When I went through the mirror, I think.
Brad: Earlier than that. Second guess.
Rob: The vampire?
Brad: Earlier. Last guess?
Rob: Erm....having the duck at dinner?
Brad: You hit the old man with the car, right?
Rob: Yeah...
Brad: You saw the light in the house, and went up the path.
Rob: Wait...
Brad: You rang the doorbell.
Rob: Yeah.
Brad: You should have used the knocker.
Rob: ...
Brad: Everything after that was an exercise in futility.
Rob: ...
Brad: ...
Rob: ...
Brad: ...
Rob: ...
Brad: ...
Rob: ...
Brad: ...
Rob: What?!
Brad: I couldn't believe it myself when I looked it up. Speechless?
Rob: Beyond words.
Brad: That's usually the way that works, yeah...
Rob: What difference does using the knocker make?
Brad: I presume it just diverges down a similar path. Here's the
Rob: So far all I can see is that I don't get drugged if I use the knocker!
Brad: Appears that way.
Rob: Who's that precious about their fucking bell? I've seen "No door to door sales" Stickers, I've not seen "Ring and it's Rohypnol for you!"
Brad: The trouble with Fighting Fantasy gamebooks is very simple - popular doesn't mean best. They're like the WWE. You got into gamebooks because of Fighting Fantasy, but you see the flaws a few years later. And you discover Joe Dever, and all is well again.
Rob: ...
Brad: I kid. They're all shit.


  1. Awesome, guys... simply awesome.

    'House Of Hell' rapiest FF gamebook ever.

    Funniest part of this post, though? 'Soul destruction' in the labels section. If I'd been drinking it would have shot out of my nose.

  2. E14 Trivia: Did you know that this is the SECOND article in which the words "Soul destruction" are used in the tags? The first was on July 30th 2009, when Rob ended a run of underground fighting movies with the movie "Bodyguard".

  3. I thought it was originally in reference to the last/latest series of Red Dwarf.

  4. E14 Trivia adjusted for inflation: This article is actually the FOURTH use of soul destruction, the other three being:
    Rob's review of Red Dwarf: Back to Earth.
    Brad's rant on Night Trap.
    Rob's Bodyguard review.