Monday 31 October 2011

Dracula Giveaway



Wes Craven Presents three films in one complete horror boxset. Starring Gerard Butler, Jonny Lee Miller, Rutger Hauer and many more.

Dracula 2001
A gang of high-tech thieves, led by Marcus and Solina, break into a vault buried deep in the heart of London hoping to find treasure. Instead, they succeed in reviving an ancient evil--the legendary Count Dracula himself (Gerard Butler), who terrorized England a century earlier until he was stopped by Dr. Abraham Van Helsing. Now, Dracula makes his way to modern New Orleans to track down Mary Heller, an innocent young woman haunted by dreams she doesn't understand. Matthew Van Helsing (Christopher Plummer), Dracula's current hunter, must track the Count down with the help of his assistant, Simon (Jonny Lee Miller), but they also have to deal with the vampire's new victims, who soon return from the dead, thirsty for blood. Can Dracula be stopped before he seduces Mary and begins a new reign of terror, or do secrets from his past hold the key to destroying him forever?

Dracula II: Ascension
An ancient evil is once again unleashed in the 21st century as fright master Wes Craven presents this terrifying and suspenseful sequel to the big-screen hit Dracula 2001! Dracula II: Ascension is the riveting story of a group of medical students who come across the body of the world's most notorious vampire! When a mysterious stranger appears and offers the students $30 million to harvest the body and steal its blood for auction, it's an offer they can hardly refuse! But as the lure of riches collides with unimaginable terror, the students also find themselves relentlessly pursued by a vampire killer from the Vatican!

Dracula III: Legacy
More horror-filled terror in the modern Dracula series presented by Wes Craven, Dracula III: Legacy adds Rutger Hauer (YAY!) to a hot returning cast starring Jason Scott Lee (The Jungle Book), Jason London and Roy Scheider (Jaws, The Punisher). The feared Dracula (Hauer) leads vampire hunters Father Uffizi (Lee) and Luke (London) back to eastern Europe and a country plagued by civil war. There they discover powerful local warlords are assisting Dracula by capturing victims and delivering them to feed the vampires residing in Dracula's castle! And to make matters worse, Father Uffizi must face his own temptations as he struggles to overcome the vampire virus within himself! With sizzling stars, a riveting story and stunning special effects, this suspense-filled thriller will satisfy anyone with a taste for terrifying entertainment!

Thanks to our friends at Lions Gate Home Entertainment, we've got two copies of the Wes Craven Presents Dracula Three Movie Collection on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Monday 14th November, making sure to put "Dracula" as the subject. The first two entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome DVD!

Don't forget to put "Dracula" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Wes Craven Presents Dracula Three Movie Collection is available now, courtesy of Lions Gate Home Entertainment.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Sunday 30 October 2011

Dickass DM: Halloween Special

Remember good, old-fashioned gamebooks? They promised all the fun of a role-playing game, with none of the social interaction - what more could a teenage boy desire? The thing is, that while the gamebook became a great gaming experience in its own right, the only RPG it could possibly have simulated was one being GM'd by Satan himself. 90% of decisions led to certain death, and combat was often fatal.

Satan wasn't available, so Brad will be GMing Rob through an RPG based on the classic Ian and Clive Bailey gamebook Terrors Out of Time. Brad is the DM, and Rob plays his character, Braggart Smith-Rhys-Jones.

Catch up with previous Dickass DM installments here!
Brad: Gazing over the side, you see the dark water is filled with currents and eddies that suck and claw at the ferry, but without any effect. Turning to ask the ferryman about this, you see him hunched over the pole, his cloak flapping in a wind you cannot feel!
Mungo: I can smell it, though.
Ferryman: The Styx is a river of time, mortal.
Braggart: It does seem to be taking forever.
Ferryman: You cross the dimensions from the edge of life to the realm of the dead.
Brad: On the far bank, the ferry beaches on a mud-flat and the ferryman extends a skeletal hand for your payment.
Rob: Give him the coin. I mean, what would be the point of not doing so? I literally just got given it. And at no point was it established that it's currency I can spend elsewhere, like Debenhams.
Brad: Fishing the coin from your pocket, you drop it into the ferryman's hand and jump upon the soggy earth of the underworld.

Ferryman: I thank you, mortal.
Braggart: Quick! Before he realises it can't be used at Debenhams!
Ferryman: The one you seek lies yonder at the pit of time, yet you may learn wisdom at the halls of the dead.
Mungo: We're going to be able to get back, right? I don't want to spend Hallowe'en dead.
Braggart: Fair enough.
Brad: How will you react to this strange advice?
Rob: I'll listen! Were you not reading the description? He's scary! Plus he's the cheapest public transport I've come across, and as a white person that's incredibly and inexplicably important.
Brad: Do you want to head towards a ruined, temple-like building on your left, or strike out in the direction the ferryman points, straight towards Ausbach?
Rob: Temple meaning Halls of the dead I take it?
Brad: That's the implication, I think.
Rob: Okay, not just me then, good stuff. I'll go towards the temple.
"May learn wisdom" is a better chance than "Continue in your life as a software tester and blogger"
Brad: You blog?
Rob: Yeah, just started.
Brad: A thin mist rolls across the dusty track which leads towards the temple of the dead. The building is a ruin. Great columns have tumbled to the ground, bronze statues, headless and armless, rot beneath layers of verdigris. A thin plume of grey smoke escapes from the broken roof.
Rob: I boldly enter the temple. I'm not bold, but i put on a front of boldness. Sorry, that should read:
Enter the Temple
Brad: The interior of the temple is thick with an evil-smelling smoke that curls from a great fire in the centre of the floor. On either side the walls are lined with tiers of earthenware jars, encrusted with dust and sealed with clay representations of various beast's heads. Beyond the fire is a low dais, a curious tripod and a high-backed chair, in which sits a wizened creature. As you skirt the fire, a dry voice croaks from the seated figure.

Figure: Greetings, mortal. I am the Guardian of the Dead.
Braggart: Hi...?
Guardian of the Dead: What brings the living to my hall?
Braggart: Well, it's certainly not envy of your deadness. I was hoping to talk to you about Ausbach. Please don't kill me. [points to Mungo] If you must kill someone...That's sort of what I brought him for.
Guardian of the Dead: Wisdom?
Braggart: Who's Winston?
Guardian of the Dead: Yes. You may learn some wisdom. Ausbach is a servitor of the High Priest of Het. At this moment, he is both at the pit of time, summoning his mistress, and within these walls.
Brad: As this riddle passes from the Guardian's cracked lips, he clicks his fingers and you hear the long-drawn howl of a mad dog. In the silence that follows, the Guardian points at you.
Mungo: I say again, that this has gotten weird.
Guardian of the Dead: Fool! I am not here to help you. I am here to destroy you!
Braggart: I...what? Wait...Hunh?!
Guardian of the Dead: You are a trespasser and a meddler and your interference has already cost us valuable time - but now my creation will punish you!
Brad: A crouching human figure rushes from the shadows to your left. It pauses then growls at you.
Rob: Reflex Clothesline!
Brad: The creature is a man with a dog's head.
Braggart: Dog-Man!

Brad: The dog-man raises his muzzle in the air and sniffs; his eyes roll back and his lips curl.
Rob: Man, my character's a poof. He just sees something scary and loses SAN.
Brad: A vicious snarl rends the air as the creature leaps at you.
The dog headed creature is listed as having a dog's head mace. Which makes about as much sense as a mace shaped like a human head. Or, if you take it one step further, a hammer shaped like a nail.
Rob: Maybe it's carved into the pommel.
Brad: How will you defend yourself against this abomination?
Rob: Thoth's Mace! Mum always said "Fight fire with Mace."
Brad: Your Mum is awesome.
Rob: Never raped, either.
Brad: You deal the dog-man a blow with the mace. The dog-man mocks your taste in corduroy.
Braggart: What's wrong with yellow?
Brad: You crush the dog with your mace. And your cock.
Rob: They are comparable.
Dog-Man is defeated.
Brad: Your blow shatters the creature's head and it collapses on the flagstones of the temple. With a triumphant grin, you turn on the Guardian of the Dead. I assume that's "turn on" meaning "face" and not "arouse".
Braggart: Move on out here and die like a fool.
Brad: The wizened Guardian has left the chair and now cowers behind its back.

Guardian of the Dead: Don't harm me, mortal. If I die here, my soul will be consigned to the horrors of the Outer Darkness.
Braggart: Is that bad?
Guardian of the Dead: I will answer any question you put to me.
Braggart: How is Ausbach Aus there and back here?!
Brad: The Guardian points towards the jars which line the hall.
Guardian of the Dead: There, on the third shelf. Ausbach's life is within the pot, bound there by his mistress, Het.
Braggart: ...Horcruxes? Really, JK Rowling? Really? Lifting plot ponts from gamebooks now?
Guardian of the Dead: Destroy the contents and you will destroy Ausbach at the same time.
Brad: Flinging the Guardian to the floor, you stalk across the temple to the shelf. There lies a jar whose lid is fashioned into a perfect bust of Ausbach's odious features.
Rob: When did I have him in my hands? Or did I throw him on the floor...from across the room? I Jedi.
Brad: Tearing off the lid, you dip your hand inside and draw out a brain that shudders in your hand! Dropping it back into the jar, you take the pot from the shelf and march off of the temple for the pit of time.
Rob: So my fearsome action was to take the brain out of the jar, go "uggggghhhhhh", and then put it back in?
Brad: Yes.
Rob: I deserve to die.
Brad: As you advance, the slope grows steeper, the air warmer and pink glow thickens to a curious read. Ahead a great circle of monoliths rears out of the ground.
Braggart: Have I taken a wrong turn somewhere? Only, this is Stonehenge.
Brad: Passing between two of the standing stones, you have to shield your eyes; you are looking upon a vast pit which glows with a demonic light.
Braggart: Ooooooooh...

Brad: You have found the pit of time.
Rob: Does time glow?
Brad: Framed against its edge, Ausbach stands before an altar on which lies the pyramidion. He is chanting in a harsh guttural tongue.
Rob: Welsh?
Brad: Even as you watch, his chanting reaches a frenzied peak, he flings his arm in the air and a pillar of fire roars out of the pit. You must act quickly, for Ausbach has just opened a gateway to the Outer Darkness.
Rob: Seems like a good reason to hurry.
Brad: At any moment Het the Destroyer will enter the Underworld. Rushing from the cover of the stones, you charge towards Ausbach. Clutching the jar, you rush forward, shouting Ausbach's name over the roar of the flames.
Braggart: Ausssssbach!
Brad: The Baron turns and his obscene laughter fills the air. He raises a hand and points towards the pillar of fire.
Ausbach: Fool! You are too late! Your meddling is over. I have opened the gateway to Heyt!
Braggart: Bullshit! I never stop meddling! Oh, by the way, how did that blind date go?
Brad: You dip your hand in the jar but already Ausbach is passing his hands frantically through the air and his spell begins to grip your mind.
Rob: I grip his mind!
Brad: Ausbach's spell grips your mind. Your hands grow numb and you drop the jar. He chuckles and, pointing towards you, he utters a horrible clicking sound. Immediately a fiery hand sprouts from the pillar of fire and arches towards you!
Rob: Dive for the jar!
Brad: You dive for the jar, but will you be able to pull the brain out and destroy it before the flaming hand grabs you?
Rob: Wait, did he tut at me?!
Brad: Plunging your hand in the jar, you squeeze the brain and hear Ausbach cry out in agony.

Braggart: Hey Arsebach, remember maths? Not for long!
Brad: Instantly, the flaming hand disappears and you turn to see the Baron feebly clutching the altar. You squeeze again, and he clutches his head, swaying from side to side, then crumples to the ground. Where the brain was, dust now fills your hand; where the Baron died, there are only his clothes and a brownish dust.
Mungo: I'll get a mop.
Brad: Then a hissing draws your eyes back to the pillar of fire. Emerging from a nebulous haze at the centre of the fire is a monstrous snake head!
Mungo: Crom!
Braggart: Hi! I can explain.
Brad: You must act swiftly to close the gateway Ausbach has created. Your only hope is to destroy the pyramidion. But how?
Rob: Hmmmmm...Throw it on the grouuuund! The pyramidion, that is.
Brad: Glowing with luminous blue light, the pyramidion lies on top of the altar. Rushing forward, you grasp it with your hand and howl in pain.
Mungo: Pussy!
Brad: Its surface is red hot and you have burned your hand. Gritting your teeth, you lift the pyramidion and hurl it into the pit. For a second it flashes in the flames, then it plummets out of sight and the pillar of fire roars with fury. Shielding your face, you back away.
Braggart: Hey Assba...oh he's dead, isn't he?
Brad: You look up to see the giant outline of Het, with the flames writing around her. She reaches out a huge taloned hand to seize you, then the flames falter and she tumbles back into the pit. You have closed the gateway! As you turn to leave, the ground shudders beneath you, great cracks open at your feet and a biting wind howls out of the sky.
Braggart: Jesus, Mungo!

Brad: Panicking, you leap the rift in the earth and run for the edge of the stone circle. Before you can reach it, the wind tears your feet from the ground and sends you spinning up into the sky. A chill fills your body as you watch the land slip away and the pit become a faint dot. Then the wind fails, you begin to fall, and everything goes black. You awake to find Petrie-Heydrich leaning over you, dabbing at your forehead with a damp cloth.
Braggart: I...this makes literally no sense.
Brad: You can remember little of your escape from the pyramid, beyond finding yourself once more in the room that lies at the edge of the underworld and fleeing through pitch-black corridors as they crumbled and shook around you.
Rob: So...a fair bit then.
Brad: Petrie-Heydrich tells you to rest and relates how he mustered a search party to hunt for you when the pyramid began to collapse.
Charles: It was Harold who found you, slumped on the floor of the Grand Gallery.
Braggart: Cheers for that.
Charles: He says you were clutching this curious statuette.
Brad: Your old friend passes you a crude representation of the god Thoth. In one hand he holds a mace and, in the other, the unmistakable figure of Baron Ausbach.
Harold: No sign of your butler, though.
Braggart: Easy come, easy go.
THE END


Words: Brad Harmer & Robert Wade
Brad Harmer: Facebook Twitter
Rob Wade: Twitter
This is intended as a loving tribute to Ian and Clive Bailey, the Forbidden Gateway series, Terrors Out of Time, and all other gamebooks of yesteryear.


MANDRAKE GIVEAWAY


An expedition led by adventurer Darren McCall and funded by the wealthy Harry Vargas braves the impenetrable jungle to retrieve a fabled bejewelled dagger from an ancient burial ground. But pulling the dagger from its rightful resting place awakens the beast. Part plant and part animal, the massive mandrake awakens thirsty for human blood.

Thanks to our friends at Lions Gate Home Entertainment, we've got two copies of Mandrake on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Sunday 13th November, making sure to put "Mandrake" as the subject. The first two entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome DVD!

Don't forget to put "Mandrake" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Mandrake is available now, courtesy of Lions Gate Home Entertainment.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Saturday 29 October 2011

DVD Reviews

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer
Starring: Michael Rooker, Tom Towles, Tracy Arnold
Director: John McNaughton
Studio Canal
Available now on Blu-Ray, also available on DVD
Review by Blake Harmer

Based on the confessions of serial killer Henry Lee Lucas, Henry is the chilling account of a man whose vocation is murder. Michael Rooker stars as Henry, the solitary drifter who leads his dim ex-jailmate friend, Otis (Tom Towles), on a senseless killing spree. Picking their victims at random, their methods of execution are always different. However, when Otis' sister Becky (Tracy Arnold) goes to Chicago to visit, and unsuspectingly falls in love with Henry...

25 years on, and this film still manages to capture and deliver the disturbing nature of Henry and Otis as they kill on a whim, as well as how perverted and depraved they are. The main reason for the horror is that they do it for what seems like no reason apart from that they enjoy it (although there is definitely an anti-sex undercurrent to the way Henry kills). Whilst the film doesn’t have any scares or jumpy bits, the atrocities on show hear gives a whole different disturbing vibe of fear, which is refreshing.

The main downside with this release is that practically nothing seems to have been done for cleaning it up for Blu-Ray release. The sound is murky and only stereo is available (nothing has been done to try and make it 5.1 surround), the picture is still a bit grainy and there are still some pops and scratches visible throughout. Granted, this is an old and low budget horror movie, but why release something on Blu-Ray if you are going to do very little with it? That said, due to the age and budget of the film, it hasn’t aged very well. The prosthetics are pretty bad and the dialogue, whilst limited, is never very inspiring.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence
: Lots of quick and gory death scenes, including gouging eyes, snapping necks and shootings.
Sex/Nudity: Lots of boobs and a rape scene, there are also lots of references to rape as well.
Swearing: Lots like all horror movies should.
Summary: A cult classic that hasn’t aged well, and the transition to Blu-Ray is pretty much pointless, stick to the DVD release if you are a fan, unless you want the extras. 5/10

VAMPIRE IN VEGAS GIVEAWAY


Tony Todd, (Candyman, Final Destination) stars as a maverick Vampire who has survived for hundreds of years and desperately yearns for something more than human blood. He wants power. The only way he can achieve this is to overcome a Vampire's greatest threat - day light.

Thanks to our friends at Lions Gate Home Entertainment, we've got two copies of Vampire in Vegas to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Saturday 12th November, making sure to put "Vampire in Vegas" as the subject. The first two entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome DVD!

Don't forget to put "Vampire in Vegas" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Vampire in Vegas is available now, courtesy of Lions Gate Home Entertainment.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Friday 28 October 2011

Dickass DM: Halloween Special

Remember good, old-fashioned gamebooks? They promised all the fun of a role-playing game, with none of the social interaction - what more could a teenage boy desire? The thing is, that while the gamebook became a great gaming experience in its own right, the only RPG it could possibly have simulated was one being GM'd by Satan himself. 90% of decisions led to certain death, and combat was often fatal.

Satan wasn't available, so Brad will be GMing Rob through an RPG based on the classic Ian and Clive Bailey gamebook Terrors Out of Time. Brad is the DM, and Rob plays his character, Braggart Smith-Rhys-Jones.

Catch up with previous Dickass DM installments here!
Brad: Beyond the arch is a room lined with red granite. A large block of basalt, which once supported the sarcophagus of Khefu, fills the centre of the chamber. Behind it stands a gilded statue of the god Horus. The statue guards a narrow entrance in the far wall, through which you can see a crumbling flight of steps descending precipitously into darkness. Passing the block, you notice a ring of sand on its surface where someone has put a bag down and then picked it up again.
Could Ausbach have come this way? A sense of foreboding fills your mind.
Rob: Descend the steps.
Brad: As you are about to descend the steps, you notice a thin wire that has been stretched across the entrance, about a foot from the floor. Gingerly steeping over it, you proceed with greater caution down the cramped and uneven steps.
Rob: Why is that wire there, I wonder?
Brad: As you go deeper, dark stains begin to discolour the walls and the smell of herbs wafts up the stairwell. Then you round a corner and step into a room that is almost identical to the one you have just left.
Braggart: Oh good, hippies!

Brad: The room is also lined with red granite and contains another block of basalt. But behind the block looms an elaborately carved doorway, its flankes framed by interlocking snakes. Beside the block stands a trestle table, cluttered with bowls, phials and leather bags, from which rises the smell of herbs and spices.
Rob: I examine the items on the table. Worst case scenario, I can make a sandwich.
Brad: I like your thinking.
Rob: It's rules I live by.
Brad: Clearing a space for your lantern and butler, you sift through the objects before you. The leather pouches and phials are empty and the bows contain the residue of various sweet-smelling oils. Then you discover a leather bag which is still unopened. It contains something large and heavy.
Braggart: Pavarotti?!
Brad: Gingerly you loose the twine around its neck, tip it up and shake out the contents. To your horror, a severed human hand flops onto the table! It quivers with life, flexes its fingers and then crawls towards you like a tarantula.
Braggart: What is this....Thing?!
Brad: This is the legendary Hand of Glory, used by necromancers to destroy their enemies.
With a shudder of horror, you step back. The hand is shrunken and withered with age.
Rob: Hand of Glory! I must find a way to subvert it to my will.
Brad: Strange red symbols are tattooed on the back of each of its gnarled fingers. As you stare unbelievingly, it drops off the table and runs across the floor towards you.
Rob: Runs? On five fingers or two? I try and crush it underfoot!
Brad: Your boot crunches into the hand, crushing it into the floor. Brown dust floats up from around your boot and a disgusting smell fills the chamber. You have destroyed the Hand of Glory.

Braggart: Ergh, now I've got fingernails under my crap.
Brad: Turning, you pass through the carved archway. The corridor is broad and slopes steadily downward towards a yellow light!
Mungo: Could this be Ausbach at last?
Brad: Covering the lantern, you tiptoe down the corridor. On the right of the corridor light pours out of a doorway, before which a circle has been drawn on the ground. Inside the circle, the stubs of candles still smoulder and there are puddles of different coloured oils; you have discovered the remnants of the preparations Ausbach mixed to open the gateway to the underworld.
Braggart: Sumo tournaments? That's it?
Brad: Creeping forward, you peer round the edge of the doorway into a chamber lit by oil lamps.
The chamber is empty but its walls are decorated with elaborate representations of the Egyptian gods. Set into the wall opposite you is a gilded door and beside this is a representation of Thoth, sitting at a high desk. Stepping into the chamber, you admire the picture and the god's head turns to stare at you with dark eyes!
Braggart: Shit!
Rob: Hold fire. Let's see if it can communicate. If it can do that, it's already better than Mungo.
Mungo: *stares*
Braggart: See, now it's not as impressive.
Brad: Thoth puts down his quill and steps out of the picture, raising a hand in greeting.

Thoth: Don't be afraid, mortal. I mean you no harm. The creature you seek has already passed into the underworld and soon he will summon Het from the Outer Darkness.
Braggart: See, now I'm glad I didn't shoot you.
Thoth: Me too. I cannot interfere directly in these events, but I can help you indirectly.
Braggart: How do I take Ausbach out...back?
Thoth: Ausbach may be slain in two ways.
Braggart: Ooh, I'll try both!
Thoth: One is to turn the very element he serves - fire - against him. The other is to find his life-force, which Het has removed from his body and imprisoned somewhere in the Underworld.
Braggart: I don't suppose I could lob corpse dust at him, could I?
Thoth: The pyramidion is a crystal, fashioned by a race known as...
Mungo: Jews?
Thoth: The Polyps of Ombos.
Braggart: Seriously? Sounds like a race who needed to use up Scrabble letters.
Thoth: It is a power focus, or key, used to draw matter from one dimension to another. It was Het who ensured that the Polyps brough it to this world, in the hopes that she could then use it as a gateway, but her plans were foiled when the Polyps and their creature-ship were buried beneath the rocks of North Wales.
Braggart: That'd slow me down too.
Thoth: Thus the crystal was lost for millions of years, until the Egyptian Pharaoh, Khefu, stumbled upon it in the course of his sorcerous experiments.
Brad: Right, sorry, dude, but I'm out.
Rob: Out as in "done for the night"?
Brad: I was willing to entertain all kinds of shit in the name of Dickass DM, but this is it for me.
Rob: What's wrong, dude?
Brad: I've put up with Rain Lords, vampire weasels, superheroes tasering small children, rapey door knockers, and not to mention - of course - a zombie carrot. But I'm out here.
I draw the line at an Ancient Egyptian necromancer who goes holidaying in North Wales.
*sounds of a chair scuffing, someone leaving the room, and a door closing*

Brian Recession: I can GM for a bit, if you want?
Rob: This should be interesting.
Brian Recession: Right...ahem...
Thoth: He cast potent spells to draw it through time and space to his palace and, in so doing, he attracted the powers of the Outer Darkness. Thus Het learned of he crystal's rediscovery and, working through it, she corrupted Khefu.
Brian Recession: Then Brad's done doodles of what appears to be Darth Vader doing a Polar Bear, doggy style. Then it continues...
Thoth: She commanded him to build this [gestures to room] the first pyramid, in imitation of the pyramidion, so that a gateway to the underworld could be opened.
Brian Recession: I'm assuming he did that as a business expense, right? He'd be mad not to.
Rob: I guess so, yeah.
Brian Recession: Makes you wonder how many of the wonders of the world were tax deductable really, doesn't it?
Rob: I'll be honest, I've never given it that much thought.
Thoth: Then she instructed Khefu to focus the crystal, so she could use it to control the very fabric of the earth, which belongs to the primeval beast, Crom Cruach.

Brian Recession: Does he make this up as he goes along, do you think?
Rob: Probably.
Thoth: But Khefu died alone before all thAAGH!
Brad: Oh, no. What a horrible accident.
Rob: What happened?
Brad: Brian just suddenly and viciously slammed the back of his head into this paperweight that I was about to show him.
Rob: Wow. Is he okay?
Brad: Probably. Hang on, I've always wanted to try this:
*cares*
Yeah, he's fine.
Thoth: Then she instructed Khefu to focus the crystal, so she could use it to control the very fabric of the earth, which belongs to the primeval beast, Crom Cruach.
Rob: Crom's Crotch?
Thoth: But Khefu died before all the necessary ceremonies could be completed and, with his death, the spells that held the crystal were broken and it slipped back to its tomb beneath the hills of Wales. Frustrated yet again, Het collapsed back into the Outer Darkness to brood. She returned to place Ausbach on its trail.
Rob: Sulk, more like. Emo bitch.
Thoth: Even now, he is within reach of achieving her ultimate aim!
Braggart: How long's her reach? We don't have much time!
Thoth: You must act swiftly to thwart her plans.
Brad: From out of the air, Thoth plucks a stone mace and hands it to you.

Braggart: How did you do that?!
Thoth: With this, you shall beat down the shades of the underworld.
Braggart: I'll say!
Brad: As you clasp the cold stone, energy pulses into your body.
Rob: *pulsepulsepulse*
***BRAGGART SMITH-RHYS-JONES has Acquired MACE OF THOTH***
Rob: Is it Thoth, or someone with a lisp saying Sos?
Brad: I don't have a lisp...
Rob: Point.
Brad: Finally, Thoth hands you a small gold coin and gestures towards a door at the back of the room.
***BRAGGART SMITH-RHYS-JONES has acquired SMALL GOLD COIN***
Rob: Ah, giving me the old 'here's a coin, now fuck off' trick...
Thoth: That door leads to the ferry and the ferryman will require payment.
Mungo: This adventure has gotten a bit weird, hasn't it?
Braggart: Gotten?!
Brad: The door opens on a twilight world of grey rolling hills and dead vegetation. Oppressed by the landscape, you trudge wearily up the nearest hill. With each new step, the grass beneath your feet crumbles to dust. At last you crest the hill and look down upon a vast river, whose dark waters flow sluggishly through the barren land.
Rob: ...Surely the hill has collapsed if I'm walking and its crumbling...
Brad: Fine. The hill collapses and you die. Happy now?
Rob: ...No...I see the flaw. I'll be good.
Brad: The far bank is out of sight but, below and to your left, you see a crumbling wharf which just out into the water. Moored to its side is an ancient ferry.
Braggart: Let's steal it!
Brad: Descending to the wharf, you find it is made of bones that crunch beneath your feet. The boat at its side is both wormeaten and rotten. A dark figure, hidden in the folds of black habit, rears up out of the stern of the boat. With a thin hand, he waves you on to the ferry.

Braggart: I mean, let's find the purveyor of this fine craft, and pay him fairly.
Brad: The timbers of the ferry squelch and groan beneath your weight and the smell of mould and decay fills your nostrils. The ferryman lifts a pole off the deck and pushes the boat out into the silent waters.
Mungo: It's a bit shit here, isnt' it?
Braggart: Shhh, he might live here.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Words: Brad Harmer & Robert Wade
Brad Harmer: Facebook Twitter
Rob Wade: Twitter
This is intended as a loving tribute to Ian and Clive Bailey, the Forbidden Gateway series, Terrors Out of Time, and all other gamebooks of yesteryear.


MONGOLIAN DEATH WORM GIVEAWAY


Toxic. Carnivorous. Subterranean.

When an American oil company sets up an experimental drilling plant out in the vast deserts of Mongolia, they are completely oblivious to what actually lies beneath them. Pumping hot water deep into the ground, the company is hoping to expose untapped oil, but what they end up uncovering is something no one ever expected. As the superheated water plummets its way into the earth, it strikes a nest of deadly creatures that have been dormant for centuries. Thought to be purely mythological, these monsters are in fact real...and now they have been awakened! They are angry and they are bloodthirsty

Thanks to our friends at Lions Gate Home Entertainment, we've got two copies of Mongolian Death Worm on Blu-ray to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Friday 11th November, making sure to put "Death Worm" as the subject. The first two entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome DVD!

Don't forget to put "Death Worm" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Mongolian Death Worm is available now, courtesy of Lions Gate Home Entertainment.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Thursday 27 October 2011

Gaming Reviews

Rage
id/Bethesda
Available now on PC, PS3 and Xbox 360 (Version Tested)
Review by Blake Harmer

Good news gamers - id is back with a new FPS, and for those who are either unaware of gaming history or just Call Of Duty players, you should listen up. FPS games would never have existed if it weren’t for id when they first unleashed Wolfenstein 3D and then made it hugely popular with the likes of Doom and Quake. Rage is id’s first foray into open-world territory, and for the most part it works very well. In Rage, you play a survivor of the end of the world by staying in an ‘Arc’ (read: Vault) and you emerge in an apocalyptic Mad Max style wasteland filled with buggies, bandits and mutants. However, there is a sinister organisation in this new world that wants you dead, and it is up to you to find out why.

The game delivers wonderfully in several key areas. Mainly, the gunplay is brilliant. Every gun feels meaty and powerful, and there is plenty of variation with multiple ammo types to keep things interesting. The vehicular combat is also nice and robust with lots of upgrades that you can get for your vehicle, which can be won through races and killing other bandits you encounter on the road. The AI on show is also good, and there are plenty of different bad guy types to keep things varied. Also, the animation is also great as enemies react to every bullet you put into them and create some really good looking death throes. That said though, the whole game is beautiful, from the wasteland to the buildings to the detail on each NPC you encounter.

The game does have a few flaws, which can be glaring if it is a particular bugbear of yours that could make or break a game. Firstly, despite how beautiful the game is, there is texture pop-in frequently, with things becoming less blurry about a second after you’ve looked at them. This isn’t so noticeable when you’re busy blowing the crap out of mutants, but during the slower bits it can be a little frustrating as it is more obvious. Also, despite being an open world game with the opportunity to do different missions to keep the flavour mixed, all the action mainly takes place in enclosed spaces and the wide spaces mainly feel like a space you have to cross between the two, and also the game is still pretty linear as you don’t benefit from exploration like you would in, say, Fallout.

The Emotionally Fourteen Games Rating
Graphics
: Really gorgeous graphics, animation and physics on display here, but it is marred by an annoying texture pop up that keeps occurring even in the smallest of areas.
Sound/Music: A nice score and some very good voice acting, it is the meaty gunfire and explosion sounds that really win through though.
Gameplay: A decent FPS actioner with some good vehicular combat and light RPG elements thrown in. If only it wasn’t so linear, then we could have had a potential contender to challenge the likes of Fallout.
Lasting Appeal: A pretty lengthy 20 hour campaign with side quests and online to keep you entertained for quite a while.
Summary: An almost excellent game that just falls from being essential due to some annoying flaws though. Persevere, though, and there is an excellent game here to be enjoyed. Besides, it’s unlikely you will find better gunplay this year. 8/10


Hector: Badge of Carnage - Episode 2: Senseless Acts of Justice
Straandlooper/Telltale Games
Available now for PC/Mac, iOS and PSN
Review by Rob Wade

Everyone’s favourite Detective Inspector returns in Senseless Acts of Justice. The events of the first game’s finale have resonated with the entire village of Clapper’s Wreake, and it’s up to Hector and his well-meaning but useless partner Lambert to discover the identity of the hostage taker who has caused the police force so much bother.

Back when Episode 1 came out, my review (which can be viewed here) was overall pretty kind, but I feel like I was being a little unfair after doing some more research. I have learned since the review that almost all the voice acting was done by one person, and so for me to criticise one or two of the voices did not recognise the talent involved. I stand by my criticism of the voices themselves, which I felt weren’t up to the same standard as the overall voice acting performance, but I cannot help but recognise the immense talent that produced so many voices (especially when I felt that a good percentage of them were great).

Anyway, that’s that over with. On to the awesomeness, and make no mistake: This game improves on the first episode on a scale akin to the jump from A New Hope to The Empire Strikes Back. Granted, there’s no Lando, but to be fair he’d look out of place in the modern day England that this game depicts so well. In every other way, the game is a marked improvement from the first episode. The voice acting has a better variety of characters, and the voices are funny in themselves this time round as well. What’s also good about this episode is the quality of the characters, even the ones with less screen time. Particular highlights include a kid looking to start the next big Youtube craze, and a beautician/arms store proprietor with a penchant for innuendo and tremendous amounts of beef. You heard me.

Hector, of course, is the star of the show though, and when he’s talking you know the gag’s going to be a cracking one. What was refreshing, however, was that Lambert was given some additional screen time, which involved him finding transportation for a couple of girls fresh from a hen night, and finding parents for an orphan boy with a hook for a hand. The humour in this game is a solid mix of both the zany and the satirical, and it’s probably one of the most realistic depictions of modern England I’ve come across in all forms of media.

Graphically, the game is pretty sharp looking, although I noticed the odd glitch where Hector would lose his shirt (relevant in context). What was impressive was how well the graphics stood up to higher resolutions, and still managed to look good. The music is another thing worth checking out in this game, too, dropping in the right amount of tension at the right times.

If I had to choose a highlight, it would probably be the scene in the restaurant, but you'll have to buy the game to find out how and why it's so good.

Overall, should you get this? Abso-fucking-lutely. Should you get into the series? Abso-fucking-lutely. Go there now. I’ll wait. Plus there’s tons of other awesome adventure games.

The Emotionally Fourteen Games Rating
Graphics: Really sharp cartoon graphics that hold up even at top resolution.
Sound/Music: Some excellent music and sound effects, and an improved spectrum of voice acting variety over the first episode.
Gameplay: Inventive point and click adventure, with the same quirky sense of humour that permeates the best of the genre.
Lasting Appeal: A few hours of gameplay, but well worth the price of admission.
Summary: An absolute gem of an adventure game, and ramps up nicely for the third instalment. Get into this series. You’ll be glad you did. 9/10

PANIC BUTTON GIVEAWAY


Four young people win a competition of a lifetime; Jo, Max Gwen and Dave are heading off on an all expenses paid trip to New York courtesy of the social network site All2gethr.com . As they board the private jet, they are asked to relinquish their mobile phones and take part in the in-flight entertainment - a new online gaming experience.

Once airborne the games begin, and it soon becomes evident through a series of twisted and sickening tasks, that the passengers mystery host knows far more than they ever dared imagine, but are they all as innocent as they seem?

Trapped 30,000 feet in the air and with no escape, the four find themselves set on a horrific course, forcing them to play for their lives and leading to a gruesome and bloody twist. A breathless psychological horror film for the 21st century, when you live your life online, there is no Esc...

Thanks to our friends at Showbox, we've got two copies of Panic Button on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Thursday 10th November, making sure to put "Panic Button" as the subject. The first two entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome DVD!

Don't forget to put "Panic Button" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Panic Button is available from Monday 7th November, courtesy of Showbox.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Wednesday 26 October 2011

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer Giveaway


Based on the horrifying true story of convicted mass-murderer Henry Lee Lucas (portrayed a magnetic Michael Rooker), John McNaughton's Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer is one of the most remarkable films in the serial killer genre. Impressively building to a disquieting and horrific climax, the film provides a sobering and nightmarish glimpse into a deranged and damaged mind. A bona-fide cult classic, it is a startling, morally complex and uncompromising work of genuine daring and vision.

Thanks to our friends at Studiocanal, we've got three copies of Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer on Blu-ray to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Wednesday 9th November, making sure to put "Henry Portrait" as the subject. The first three entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome DVD!

Don't forget to put "Henry Portrait" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer is available now, courtesy of Studiocanal.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Tuesday 25 October 2011

Book Reviews

Marty Feldman: The Biography of a Comedy Legend
Robert Ross
Titan Books

Available Now
Review by Blake Harmer

Regarded as an architect of British comedy, paving the way for the likes of Monty Python, and forever remembered as Igor in Mel Brooks’ Young Frankenstein, Marty Feldman made some great works as a writer, director and a performer. And even though he died at the young age of 48, he lived a very busy life as can be seen here in his very first biography.

There’s a lot to enjoy from this biography. Firstly, it covers every aspect of Marty’s life and even shows his darker side, from living rough on the streets as a young man to his successes with Young Frankenstein and Yellowbeard (which would be his last film before he died). I also liked that Marty’s life is told not only by himself from unreleased interviews, but also from his close friends and work colleagues including Graham Chapman, Spike Milligan and Terry Jones. However, the main reason the book is enjoyable to read is that you feel like you knew Marty at the end of it, and you know the bad things he went through as well as the good.

However, my main criticism with this biography is that I felt it relies a little too heavily on source materials when telling Marty’s life. This can lead to Ross deviating from the point at times and leading onto subjects which he will touch on again later even though he had already mentioned it previously. This can quite infuriating at times, but persevere and you will find an interesting read.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence:
Marty makes references to fights and what some circus acts did but nothing overly graphic.
Sex/Nudity: Some references, but nothing overly descriptive.
Swearing: Some quite strong language in places.
Summary: An enjoyable insight into the life of a comedy genius who had lived through rough times and almost conquered adversity even though he wouldn’t admit it. Sure it does get a bit side tracked at times, but if you loved Marty, you will love this. 7/10

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER: SEASON SIX GIVEAWAY


How I Met Your Mother is a comedy about Ted and how he fell in love. It all started when Ted's best friend, Marshall (Jason Segel), dropped the bombshell that he was going to propose to his long-time girlfriend, and now wife, Lily (Alyson Hannigan), a kindergarten teacher. At that moment, Ted realized that he had better get a move on if he too hopes to find true love. Helping him in his quest is Barney (Neil Patrick Harris), a friend with endless, sometimes outrageous opinions, a penchant for suits and a foolproof way to meet women. When Ted met Robin (Cobie Smulders), it was love at first sight, but when things didn't work out, Ted realized destiny must have something else in store. The series is narrated through flashbacks from the future.

Thanks to our friends at 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment, we've got three copies of How I Met Your Mother: Season Six on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Tuesday 8th November, making sure to put "How I Met" as the subject. The first three entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome DVD!

Don't forget to put "How I Met" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

How I Met Your Mother: Season Six is available from Monday 31st October, courtesy of 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Monday 24 October 2011

Peter: Portrait of a Serial Killer Giveaway


Peter: Portrait of A Serial Killer is a feature film that delivers uncompromising performances and rare, shocking archive to reveal for the first time ever the astonishing true story of 'The Yorkshire Ripper'. Exploring his childhood, the sadistic murders of thirteen women and his ongoing psychological treatment, the audience journey into the dark and twisted mind of Britain's most notorious serial killer. Psychiatrists say he is a dangerous paranoid schizophrenic, many think he is simply Evil; this film challenges the audience to make up their own mind.

Thanks to our friends at High Fliers, we've got three copies of Peter: Portrait of a Serial Killer on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Monday 7th November, making sure to put "Peter Portrait" as the subject. The first three entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome DVD!

Don't forget to put "Peter Portrait" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Peter: Portrait of a Serial Killer is available now, courtesy of High Fliers.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Sunday 23 October 2011

Dickass DM: Halloween Special

Remember good, old-fashioned gamebooks? They promised all the fun of a role-playing game, with none of the social interaction - what more could a teenage boy desire? The thing is, that while the gamebook became a great gaming experience in its own right, the only RPG it could possibly have simulated was one being GM'd by Satan himself. 90% of decisions led to certain death, and combat was often fatal.

Satan wasn't available, so Brad will be GMing Rob through an RPG based on the classic Ian and Clive Bailey gamebook Terrors Out of Time. Brad is the DM, and Rob plays his character, Braggart Smith-Rhys-Jones.

Catch up with previous Dickass DM installments here!
Brad: Mungo crashes beside you.
Mungo: Hey.
Braggart: How did you get out? I mean, Mungo! Great to see you!
Mungo: You do not want to know. Long story short, I'm down a Wisdom Tooth and up Fray Bentos pie.
Brad: You fumble in your pocket and draw out the electric torch. Its beam shines wanly as you return to the small silent cottage. The pale light reveals a grisly sight. You fell through the roof onto a bed which bears a dessicated grinning corpse! You hurry Harold away, down a narrow street bounded on either side by small silent cottages.
You are sure that behind every door lies a grisly grinning secret. To what dark domain has Ausbach's infernal gateway brought you?
Mungo: If I had to guess, I'd say it feels a bit like a Pontins.
Braggart: It's way too well kept. Stay alert.
Mungo: CenterParcs, then.

Brad: At last you step out of the narrow silent street into what appears to be a main thoroughfare. Instantly, you are dazzled by the lights of a lorry. The vehicle grinds to a halt and a tall Arab, dressed in khaki with a red fez upon his head, greets you.
Mungo: Greetings, fellow ethnic stereotype.
Arab: My friends, it is not seemly for visitors to Cairo to stroll after dark in our village of the dead.
Braggart: Shalom. Cairo?! We're in Zaire?! Ermm...I'm....dead?
Arab: Right...
Mungo: Dead stupid.
Braggart: Say, where can I find the Grand Hotel? I'm due at a haunting, and I'm going to be late!
Brad: Fade down...fade up. You awake in one of the hotel's plush bedrooms. After a hearty breakfast, you seek out Charles Petrie Heydrich and Harold Lathers.
Charles: I was intriged to hear of your unorthodox mode of transport and your ultimate destination. Perhaps this Ausbach fellow has a sense of humour?
Braggart: What, the dead thing? Or do you mean the Portal?
Charles: Now, come to the window, all three of you.
Brad: Your old friend leads you to a table, on which is spread an archaeological survey map.

Charles: As you can see, Khefu's pyramid lies only a few miles from Cairo.
Mungo: We awake in Silent Hill and you want us to move towards pyramid shaped things?
Braggart: I'm with Mungo. I dislike pyramid shaped objects at the best of times, but this is ridiculous.
Charles: I have hired a number of native guides and their camels, so we can be there by nightfall.
Mungo: Yay! More ethnic stereotypes.
Braggart: Yeah, good point, Mungo. Let's get guides who aren't from around here. Fucking brilliant.
Charles: You have been singularly unable to defeat this Ausbach by physical battle, so I have formulated a plan that depends on guile.
Mungo: Weird. I'd formulated a plan that depends on Blanka.
Braggart: Zangief here.
Harold: Vega.
Charles: Tonight, the moon completes its cycle. You will recall from the Hymn to Het, discovered in Shandwick House, that this is the best time for her servants to enter the underworld.
Braggart: Good. It'll be less moody.
Charles: Well, I am certain that Ausbach will try to enter the pyramid tonight to perform his unspeakable rites.
Brad: That phrase has always bugged me. How do you perform an unspeakable rite? Is it just mime?
Rob: Jazz hands and the rope one.
Brad: I want to pioneer ventrioloquist mime. Sitting there, having a silent conversation with a puppet. I'm pretty good so far, but you can still see my lips move occasionally.
Rob: ...Why do they move?
Brad: I don't know where this gag is going any more. It seemed like a good idea at the start.

Charles: We only need to wait until he passes into the underworld, then we can recover your pyramidion!
Brad: The sage old man slaps the table in triumph.
Harold: But how will stealing this pyramidion defeat Ausbach?
Charles: My dear fellow, the pyramidion is some kind of key which opens the dimensions. If we steal it while Ausbach is in the underworld, he will be trapped for good, entombed with the vile goddess he serves! Now, come along, the both of you.
Gather your equipment, for we leave within the hour!
Mungo: What do you mean "Both of y..." Oh, I'm fucking equipment?
Braggart: Come along, Mungo. In the bag you go.
Brad: You take this time as an opportunity to clean your pistol and reload its magazine.
Harold: Wa-hey!
Braggart: It's an actual gun, dude.
Harold: Oh.
Brad: Despite Charles' enthusiasm, travel in the heat of the Egyptian day is not advisable. You reach the crumbled spledour of Khefu's pyramid at sunset, after an uncomfortable and fly-blown journey.
Braggart: I can't believe Mungo got blown by a fly. That thing's jaw was pretty impressive, it has to be said.
Brad: However, a hearty meal eaten around a blazing camp fire soon revives your spirits. The meal over, you set a guard to watch over the pyramid's entrance, then settle down to await moon rise. Not long afterwards, the attack begins. You are sitting with your back to the pyramid, watching one of the Egyptian porters patrolling the camel lines. Suddenly, the man seems to double up, as if in pain.
Braggart: Why are there two of you?
Brad: Through the still night air, you hear a strange gobbling noise and the man disappears from view! Calling to Charles, you pull a burning brand from the fire and run to the spot.

Braggart: It's the fly! Lockjaw's back!
Mungo: What were you expecting to find? Nazgûl?
Brad: There is no sign of the porter, but the sand is pockmarked with strange circular depressions.
Mungo: *stares*
Braggart: Now I'm feeling strange circular depressions.
Charles: Most curious...And look, the camels seem untroubled.
Brad: Then, nearby, you hear a disturbing slopping noise and a monstrous toad-thing lumbers at you out of the dark!
Braggart: Toad-Thing!
Rob: Reflex Clothesline!
Brad: Wasn't there a monstrous toad in Island of the Lizard King? The thing is enormous, but semi-translucent. Large baleful eyes stare at you and a mouth, which seems to divide the creature in two, drops open to reveal rows of sharp teeth. In the creature's sag-belly you can see the floating shadow of the dead Egyptian porter.
Rob: Toads have teeth?!
Brad: I'll research. You're not a big fan of toads or frogs, are you?
Rob: Not in the slightest. Still can't go sit in our garden.
Brad: Any particular reason, or do they just freak you out?
Rob: I dunno. Might be a texture thing. Like tomatoes, don't like them either.
Brad: Research would indicate that while there are some species that don't, most frogs have teeth, whereas toads don't. Toads just have a ridge of cartilage. DDM entertains, but also educates.
Rob: Hunh. Interesting. I learned something today.
I use one of the blazing fire-brands!
Brad: You thrust the fire brand into the creature's jaws.

Braggart: Suck on that.
Mungo: FOR FUCK'S SAKE WHY WOULD THEY PUT A MONSTER TOAD IN THE DESERT!
Brad: With a long, drawn-out, hissing sound, the creature erupts into a ball of flame! The explosion knocks you back upon the sand.
Rob: Ha! Toads also apparently have a thin coat of propane!
Charles: Of course! All toads are made helium!
Braggart: ...Really?
Charles: I mean...hydrogen. That's why I got fired from that balloon shop.
Braggart: You were selling kids toads?
Brad: Struggling to your feet, you turn to see Charles finishing another of the creatures. His gunfire tears great wounds in the creature's hide and a noisome liquid pours out. The toad-thing shrivels, crumples, then sags into a slimy membrane upon the desert sand.
Charles: I should say that Ausbach's provided us with this sport to cover his entry into the pyramid.
Brad: The veteran investigator is proved right when, a few minutes later, Harold Lathers breathlessly appears.
Harold: The guard at the pyramid has disappeared!
Braggart: You okay?
Charles: Come, we have no time to lose.
Brad: Charles hurries you back to the camp fire, then disappears into his tent.
Rob: I always feel bad for guards in situations like this.
Brad: He emerges a few moments later and thrusts a canvas package into your hand.
Charles: Here is a lantern, so much more dependable than those new-fangled electric contraptions, and some food. Now, off you go! Retrieve your pyramidion and seal Ausbach in the underworld. I am sure you will only be away for a couple of hours.
Braggart: Yeah, almost probably.

***BRAGGART SMITH-RHYS JONES has acquired LANTERN***
***BRAGGART SMITH-RHYS JONES has acquired THREE PROVISIONS***
***BRAGGART SMITH-RHYS JONES has acquired WATER CANTEEN***

Brad: As you walk towards the pyramid, you reload your pistol.
Mungo: Shall I stay here?
Braggart: Are you kidding? I might need a sacrifice.
Mungo: Ugh.
Brad: The entrance is hidden behind an imposing façade near the east face of the pyramid. Together, you pass between the ancient columns and trek through countless rooms until you reach a crude chamber. Here, the torn body of an Arab lies on the floor and a broad flight of steps descends into the earth. Lighting the lantern, you begin your descent and Charles watches after you until you disappear from sight.
Mungo: Shame he's not coming. You'd think he'd be useful. As a matter of fact...why isn't he coming?
Braggart: Yeah, I'm not sure why he doesn't come. My guess? Coward.
Brad: As you go deeper, the air becomes colder. You find yourself in a wide passage, lined with plain stone slabs. Your footsteps echo hollowly as you march between the walls, and the lantern's light flickers in the cold gloom.
Rob: How does something echo hollowly?
Brad: "Thunk". The passage ends in a large chamber, whose walls are covered with paintings and heiroglyphics. You are faced with a choice of ways.
Rob: The middle way!
Brad: You can fork left onto the Way of the Dead, or turn right into the passage that leads up into the pyramid's Grand Gallery.
Rob: Oh. Erm...Grand Gallery.
Brad: The passage rises steadily and then opens out into the Grand Gallery. The walls are brightly painted with scenes from Khefu's life and great columns soar into the darkness overhead. Dwarfed by the scale of this gallery, you trudge up its central avenue, whilst your shadow stalks across the walls behind you. At the end of the Gallery, a huge statue rises from the floor into the shadows above.

Braggart: Fuck off, shadow!
Brad: One of its hands it turned up and outwards in warning. Or antisemitism.
I'm kidding of course. I'm sure the ancient Egyptians and the Jews were the best of friends.
Rob: Yeah, they worked together on tons of stuff.
Brad: Between the statue's feet is a low archway that leads to the King's Chamber.
Rob: I examine the pictures on the statue's legs. I'm sure this won't be crazy-inducing.
Brad: On the right leg a series of pictures show the mummification of Khefu's body; on the left leg is his soul, in the guise of a human-headed bird, is shown leaving the mummy and flying from the pyramid. But the soul does not fly up into the sun.
Rob: Where does it fly?
Brad: It flies across a dark pit and in its claws it carries a triangle that glows.
Mungo: Could this be a reference to the pyramidion?
Brad: Looking closer, you see something has been inscribed on the triangle, but centuries of decay have blurred it beyond recognition. However, you do notice that the pit is filled with monstrous creatures, like great jelly-fish, that are beckoning to the triangle.
Braggart: They must like that.
Rob: I pass beneath the archway.
Mungo: You didn't much fancy the sound of the Way of Death, then?
Braggart: You know, I'm not so interested in that.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Words: Brad Harmer & Robert Wade
Brad Harmer: Facebook Twitter
Rob Wade: Twitter
This is intended as a loving tribute to Ian and Clive Bailey, the Forbidden Gateway series, Terrors Out of Time, and all other gamebooks of yesteryear.

Saturday 22 October 2011

Straw Dogs: Ultimate 40th Anniversary Edition Giveaway


Coinciding with its 40th anniversary and with the forthcoming remake, director Sam Peckinpah’s notorious thriller Straw Dogs has been carefully restored and remastered for release on two-disc DVD and for the first time ever as a features-packed Special Edition Blu-ray on 24th October 2011.

Discover more about the original in a series of articles running on http://www.totalfanhub.com/straw-dogs/ which will include reactions to the remake, plus details of the screening of the original at The Barbican in London on 9th Nov.

And for your shelf we have copies of the Blu-ray to give away for two lucky winners.

For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Saturday 5th November, making sure to put "Straw Dogs" as the subject. The first two entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome Blu-ray!

Don't forget to put "Straw Dogs" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Straw Dogs: Ultimate 40th Anniversary Edition is available now, courtesy of Fremantle Home Entertainment.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Friday 21 October 2011

Dickass DM: Halloween Special

Remember good, old-fashioned gamebooks? They promised all the fun of a role-playing game, with none of the social interaction - what more could a teenage boy desire? The thing is, that while the gamebook became a great gaming experience in its own right, the only RPG it could possibly have simulated was one being GM'd by Satan himself. 90% of decisions led to certain death, and combat was often fatal.

Satan wasn't available, so Brad will be GMing Rob through an RPG based on the classic Ian and Clive Bailey gamebook Terrors Out of Time. Brad is the DM, and Rob plays his character, Braggart Smith-Rhys-Jones.

Catch up with previous Dickass DM installments here!
Brad: The plasma explodes across Ausbach's chest and he crashes backwards over the rail. With a great effort he struggles to his feet, climbs upon the handrail, perches for an instant, then leaps towards you. Instead of crashing at your feet in a wind-blown heap, his whole body seems to split apart, transforming into a monstrous flapping beast. Powerful talons grip your shoulders and leathern wings bear you up and away from the "Lucretia". The beast's wild eyes bore into your own and the vile familiar voice taunts you.
Ausbach: You shall be my slave and your life-force my toy!

Brad: Your mind slides down into a thankful oblivion. You awake on a damp and musty four-poster bed. With a start, you sit upright and stare in disbelief about an unfamiliar room. You seem to be in the circular chamber of a castle tower, yet it is furnished with objects from your airship cabin. All your possessions seem to be here, too, strewn across the floor.
A single doorway leads from the room, which is illuminated by light from a narrow open window.
Rob: I gather them all up!
Brad: You rise, gather your possessions, then investigate the door. It is locked. Turning to the window, you gaze out over the vista of a dark forest, which stretches away to the horizon. Below, is a sheer drop down the tower's flank to a rocky cliff and the silent, waiting trees. A narrow crumbling ledge, a few feet below the window-sill, leads away around the side of the tower.
How will you escape from this room?
Rob: Skellington Key!
Brad: You succeed. You step out onto a dark, spiral staircase, which seems to lead down into the tower. Switching on your electric torch, you see that the walls run with damp. There is a smell of decay about this place.
Braggart: Come back here! Mungo, are you here?
Brad: You can't see him.
Rob: I smell his decay.
Brad: Now you begin a cautious descent, which is interrupted only by the discovery of the small room.
Rob: I explore the room.
Brad: A light plank door creaks open to reveal a neglected laboratory/storage-room. A study table is piled high with dusty glass jars, test tubes and piping.
Rob: It'd have to be pretty big to store a laboratory...
Brad: In one corner is a grinning human skeleton. Bookshelves line the rest of the walls, sagging under the weight of musty mildewed tomes. However, your attention is drawn to a pile of wooden crates, which exhibit no signs of age or grime.

Braggart: What is your secret? I've tried everything to keep the signs away.
Brad: The top crate contains a most puzzling artefact: a gleaming brass lantern with a curious cone-shaped attachment welded to its front.
Rob: I examine this object more closely.
Brad: You pick up the lamp and are surprised to discover that it still contains fuel. The mechanism seems most eccentric.
Rob: Is it dressed as a penguin?
Brad: Instead of a wick surrounded by a glass cylinder, this lamp has a prism which appears to direct light in one direction only: through the brass cone welded to the lamp's side. Searching your pockets, you discover some matches and light this curious artefact. You are startled by the lamp's peculiar property: it casts a beam of darkness. Where the beam falls, solid object appear to dissolve into nothing.
Rob: Have I just found a portal gun?
Brad: Will you take the Dark Lantern?
Rob: Fuck yeah!
***BRAGGART SMITH-RHYS-JONES has acquired DARK LANTERN***
Brad: You leave the room and continue to descend the spiral staircase.
Rob: Down, down down to the burnin' Ring of Fire...
Brad: The spiral stairway leads you at last to the edge of a vast hall. You emerge onto a wooden balcony. To your left, is a stone staircase which descends into a great hall.
Tall arched windows illuminate decayed tapestries and an impressive display of weaponry: swords, spears, daggers and shields. Yet this faded medieval splendour has been invaded by the rude trappings of the twentieth century.
Rob: Isn't this set in the late 1800s?
Brad: Not with an airship. 1920s/1930s is my guess. 40s at a push.
Rob: Wasn't this the sequel to Where the Shadows Stalk?
Brad: Yeah, but that was never really established when that was set.
The warm breeze you felt on the stairs is supplied by a copper retort, which bubbles and steams at the top of the pile of pipes, storage cylinders and valves. There is also the deep throbbing hum of electricity; generators and batteries line an entire wall, while static electricy rises spectacularly along spiral conductors. In the middle of all this bizarre machinery, like a spider at the centre of its web, stands the corpse man from the British Museum, Baron Ausbach. He gloats over a prone human figure strapped to an operating table.

Ausbach: Soon, Harold Lathers will be no more.
Braggart: Who the fuck is..I mean...shhhh.
Ausbach: I shall extract the essence of your life-force for my own power and confer on your body the gift of perpetual animation! The evil Baron reaches towards a control panel which seems to control his infernal machinery.
Braggart: You won't turn him into a cartoon on my watch, motherfucker!
Brad: Do you want to descend the stairs to aid Harold Lathers, or leap at the ancient chandelier which hangs from the lofty ceiling?
Rob: Descend the stairs. I don't trust a DEX roll.
Brad: You rush down the stairs, two at a time, shouting at the top of your voice. Ausbach wavers before his infernal machine as you run across the hall towards him. Then suddenly he grabs the table, which is on castors, and propels his victim towards you.
Rob: Fuck, I knew there'd be a DEX roll somewhere.
Brad: The table sends you crashing to the flagstones.
Braggart: Ha! I could take a table shot all day!
Mungo: (hanging from ceiling) Sorry, I ordered a rescue. This appears to be a Three Fucking Stooges routine.
Braggart: Please don't throw another one!
Brad: Ausbach takes advantage of your discomfort to flee from the hall.
Ausbach: [shouting behind him as he runs] I have more important matters to attend to than your destruction! I leave you both to my pets!
Brad: You fumble with the leather thongs which bind the young man to the table.
Braggart: Oh bollocks. I hope they're just ill-tempered kittens.
Brad: Weakly, he struggles upright and introduces himself as Harold Lathers.

Harold: I fear that we can expect no mercy from Ausbach's pets.
Braggart: Yeah, yeah. Not now, unless you have a ball of wool between your legs.
Harold: See, they come! These are the results of Ausbach's vile experiments: the living dead and the never-to-be-born. They thirst for our blood and slaver for our life-force.
Braggart: Then how...never mind, I fear the answer will only depress me.
Mungo: Why did you leave me hanging here and free the Goth poet?
Brad: Into the hall hops, staggers and crawls a pack of jibbering bogies.
Rob: ...
Brad: ...
Rob: ...bogies?
Brad: I dunno. Must be 1920s slang for "Monster". Some cavort on stunted bird-like legs, others pull unspeakable serpent-like bodies along the flagstones. This has gone a bit Uncharted: Drake's Fortune, hasn't it?
Rob: Yeah...
Brad: They smack their thin decayed lips and an evil expectant gleam lights their eyes.

Braggart: Hey bogies, dinner's cancelled. Instead, we have an entree of arse-whooping, a main course of maiming and a dessert of....fucking your shit up!
Brad: You and Harold stand in the middle of the great hall, while the creatures swarm over the machinery, seeking to surround you.
Mungo: Please let me down. Please let me down. Please let me down.
Brad: How can you survive this horde? You will need some weapon suitable for mass combat.
Harold: Quick! On the shelf is a weapon Ausbach uses against those pets who displease him.

Rob: I heed harold's advice!
Mungo: Yes, good old Harold. Maybe he can be your new butler.
Brad: Together, you rush towards the shelf. Some of the bogies surge at you. Their leader, a thing like a giant hedgehog, grabs for your shoulder, but you thrust it aside and reach your goal.
Harold: Here! These clay pots contain something Ausbach calls corpse dust. He flings it at the creatures and they crumble away into dust. Come, we must make for that archway and escape from this accursed laboratory.
Braggart: That was super effective!
Brad: There are three corpse dust pots in the box.
***BRAGGART SMITH-RHYS-JONES has acquired 3 x CORPSE DUST POTS***
Braggart: Thanks, Lathers!
Brad: As you and Harold retreat towards and archway, a gang of the loathsome bogies attack.
Mungo: Look, am I invisible?
Braggart: Until you help, yes!
Brad: Quickly, you grab a Corpse Dust Pot and hurl it at the creatures. You miss your throw, and the pot bounces harmlessly to the floor. You suffer some blows and bites from the Bogies.
Rob: Wa-hey! Throw another pot! I'm adopting Madden strategy!
Brad: The pot shatters, and several of the monsters dissolve.
Rob: FOOTBALL!
Brad: The Bogies attack. You manage to dodge them...for the time being.
Rob: Try and escape.
Brad: Can you escape through the archway door and slam it in the face of the Bogie horde? Together, you and Harold slam the door.

Mungo: [muffled] I hate you.
Brad: Luckily, the bolt is on your side.
For a few moments you recover your breath, then head off along a dank corridor, lit by guttering reed torches. The way leads to the edge of a vast gloomy pit. This IS an Uncharted game. You step out into a strange bell-shaped pit.
From far above, a thin grey light falls on seven great stumps of black stone, set in a circle. At their centre, stands the corpse of a long-dead tree; its twisted branches and loaded down with a moss which glows eerily in the half-light.
Harold: We must be careful here.
Braggart: Sounds like a plan.
Harold: Ausbach calls this the Well of Souls.
Braggart: Original.
Harold: When I was first brought here, he threatened to cast me within the stone circle. We must keep close to the pit's edge. Come, there is another tunnel opposite us, behind the true.
Brad: Cautiously, you hurry round the slimy wall of the pit. Nothing strange happens and you reach the entrance of another foul tunnel in safety.
Harold: At the end of the tunnel is our means of escape.
Braggart: We're heading there I take it?
Harold: When Ausbach kidnapped me from Shandwick House, he brought me here through some kind of dimensional gateway. Follow me.
Brad: Together, you plunge down the tunnel and out into a hexagonal-shaped room. The centre of the floor is a smoking black abyss.
Harold: See? This is the dimensional gateway. We need only leap into the centre to return to England!
Brad: Without hesitating, Harod Lathers leaps into the darkness and disappears from view!
Braggart: Wait...what? So it actually was a portal gun?

Brad: For a moment you stare in disbelief, then spurred by the sound of unnatural baying and slavering from behind, you leap too! For what seems like a long time, you experience the unpleasant sensation of falling through a great soggy darkness.
Braggart: Errrrrrgh, it's weeeet...
Brad: Then suddenly, you materialise a few feet above a thatched roof.
Braggart: Bollocks!
Brad: This is like the first gate in Time Bandits, isn't it? Moments later, you extricate yourself from the wreckage and stagger through an open door into the night.
Harold Lathers stands without, nursing a bump on his head.
Harold: I don't understand...This isn't the black room at Shadwick House, nor even the grounds. We seem to have emerged in some kind of village, but it's as quiet as the grave.
Braggart: It's a trap!
TO BE CONTINUED...
Words: Brad Harmer & Robert Wade
Brad Harmer: Facebook Twitter
Rob Wade: Twitter
This is intended as a loving tribute to Ian and Clive Bailey, the Forbidden Gateway series, Terrors Out of Time, and all other gamebooks of yesteryear.



A BOOK OF HORRORS GIVEAWAY



Many of us grew up on The Pan Book of Horror Stories and its later incarnations, Dark Voices and Dark Terrors (The Gollancz Book of Horror), which won the World Fantasy Award, the Horror Critics' Guild Award and the British Fantasy Award, but for a decade or more there has been no non-themed anthology of original horror fiction published in the mainstream. Now that horror has returned to the bookshelves, it is time for a regular anthology of brand-new fiction by the best and brightest in the field, both the Big Names and the most talented newcomers. A Book of Horrors is the foremost in the field: a collection of the very best chiller fiction, from some of the world's greatest writers.

Thanks to our friends at Jo Fletcher Books, we've got three copies of A Book of Horrors on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Friday 28th October, making sure to put "Book of Horrors" as the subject. The first three entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome book!

Don't forget to put "Book of Horrors" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

A Book of Horrors is available now, courtesy of Jo Fletcher Books.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.