Monday, 16 November 2009

Newsfalsh!


Brazil man appears at own funeral

Just when you think there is nothing funnier than what can be invented by a comedian, something like this happens. Still, I'll give it a shot.

The language used in this article is nothing short of superb, frankly. It simply states that the family were "surprised" by the man's appearance at his own funeral. I'd say as understatements go, that ranks up there with "X-Factor fans get a LITTLE bit uppity when their favourite acts get voted off". Seriously, on a side note, I've never SEEN so many people get so upset about the results of a talent show. Particularly one where so many are bereft of talent. However, I'll say no more, purely because I think a certain genre of TV may be getting told something by me in the near future...

Anyway, the story goes that the guy was absolutely shitfaced one night, so much so that he wasn't heard from until the Monday morning. In that time, a car crash had occurred, and one aunt and four friends attested that although the body was badly disfigured in the accident, it was DEFINITELY the body of the bricklayer in question. Definitely as in "100% certain". I wonder what their percentage chance was when they saw him in the alcove looking at them with disdain.

Two things I love about this article:

1) He was so shit faced that he failed to contact MEMBERS OF HIS FAMILY TO ASSURE THEM THAT HE WASN'T DEAD.

2) The quote from the police spokesperson who said:
"Before long, the walking dead appeared at the funeral. It was a relief".


Wonder why he chose to remain nameless...

Woman passes 950th driving test

The numbers in this story are what get me. So this woman has taken her theory test (never forget - she STILL has to pass the practical bit before she can get her license) NINE HUNDRED AND FIFTY times in the space of four and a half years. Now, if we do the maths and come out with the terrifying figures necessary:

Four and a half years is approximately ONE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED AND FIFTY DAYS.
As an average, Nine hundred and fifty attempts works out to ONE TEST EVERY 1.72 DAYS.

Now, why the FUCK didn't she retain any information from one test to the next? She's not exactly old enough to justify senility (more's the pity in her case). She was having three tests a week on average. Plus the test is multiple choice. MULTIPLE CHOICE. I'm fairly sure I passed one of those by spelling my name right at school.



The sad part is that her nine hundred and fifty attempts cost the same as it cost me to pass my practical test on the third attempt, having already passed the theory test. Sadly Great Britain does not allow you more than five hundred tests for your £2,000.

I like the idea that she got to test number 949, and thought "Nope, I won't be defeated. Next time, I'll get it."

But her message is one of complete defiance, showing contempt for all the nay-sayers and examinatory regulation that has otherwise kept her useless arse off the road for her own good up until now:
"Don't give up your dream. Be strong and do your best."
Even if your best is kind of crap.

Web may hold firework murder clue

See, I want to get this out of the way first of all; I'm NOT making light of a death. It's always sad when someone dies, particularly when they suffer. However, does the content of this article disturb anyone else on a fundemental level? Police have decided that far from knocking on doors, or asking anyone with information to step forward and give anything relevant to police, they'll be checking social networking sites instead.

Now...I'm not an expert on today's youth, but it occurs to me that it may be SLIGHTLY more lucrative in terms of information flow to ask around to see if anyone saw anything suspicious. I highly doubt Sherlock Holmes would have found himself saying "Come, Watson! Let us surf the web for a few hours and play some Farmville! Perhaps our culprit will commit a fundemental error..."

I wouldn't have thought that most criminals make a habit of updating their status on Facebook to tell people about the fatal fire they caused. Nor do I feel that people tend to profess their guilt via a status update (not for anything important anyway). I don't feel it would look good in court to say "Mr Johnson, you are accused of conspiracy to arson and using poor grammar on your Twitter post confessing to said arson."

As an example of how unhelpful status updates are in solving crimes, let's take a selection of status updates from friends' Facebooks and Twitter (incidentally, if your status is included in here, rejoice mortal; you are now part of something immmensely grander than your previous circumstances - Emotionally Fourteen and Newsfalsh welcome you):

"Right, fortnight off of alcohol. Lets see how productive a sober man can be."
Unless your idea of productivity is torching a house in the Cornwall area, I seriously doubt you're our man.

"Today I had six hours of software development lectures and three hours of database lectures... and survived!"
Unless the poster has confused 'six hours of software development lectures and three hours of database lectures' with 'a burning building', again we can move on.

Hello, what have we got here then?...


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