Wednesday 1 July 2009

Moustaches: Good or Evil?

It's a simple fact that some of the most evil men in the world have had moustaches. Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Saddam Hussein, Ghengis Khan, Josef Friztl, Begbie from Trainspotting...

Every man alive has thought about growing a moustache. We picture ourselves as manly and/or distinguished because of it, without quite realising that at best we're going to look like a milkman, and at worst a paedophile.

Unfortunately, the moustache carries with it something that anthropologists refer to as "The Essence of Evil". When one considers the number of dark, devious and diabolical deeds carried out by wearers of lip rats, one is also led to ponder the question: Does the evil person grow a moustache, or does the moustache wearer become evil?

Tache Style: Charlie Chaplin
Claim to fame: Dictator of Germany from 1934 - 1945
Good Deeds: Managed to get the trains running on time. Developed VW Beetle, and the Berlin Olympic Stadium.
Bad deeds: Was a megalomaniacal anti-semitist. A bit like Lovecraft, only megalomaniacal.
Was the moustache to blame?: Here's the thing. I could only find one picture of Hitler without a moustache, and that was when he was a baby. During a picture in WWI he has a more General Melchitt looking moustache, but it's still a 'tache. I think it's safe to say that Hitler was destined for evil from the day he could shave.

Tache Style: Captain Peacock
Claim to fame: Murder by negligence, enslavement, incest, rape, coercion and false imprisonment.
Good deeds: Built his daughter a flat.
Bad deeds: Kept her in it and fucked her a lot.
Was the moustache to blame?: Again, like Hitler, I could only find one moustacheless picture of him, and this was when he was about fourteen. Again, it seems as though the evil was in him from the day he could shave.

Tache Style: Yosemite Sam
Claim to fame: Being the rootinest, tootinest, fallootinest, shootinest hombre north, south, east and west of the pecos.
Good deeds: None
Bad deeds: Never ending battles with Bugs Bunny.
Was the moustache to blame?: Look at the size of it. This guy was cursed to evil from the day he was drawn.

But are there people who can control the moustache, and use its powers for good? The answer is yes, but these chosen few are very few and far between.

Tache Style: Huge fuckin' bleached blonde thing.
Claim to fame: More title reigns than you'll ever achieve in your pointless little life. Inventing the Legdrop of Doom. Appearing in a Muppet movie. Having an unhealthy obsession with his daughter's social life.
Good Deeds: See above.
Bad deeds: See above.
Was the moustache the cause?: Love him or hate him, can you really imagine Hulk Hogan without a moustache? What is interesting to note is the number of wrestler from the eighties who were packing moustaches. Maybe there's another article there. I'll stop talking about it now just in case there is.

Tache Style: Yosemite Sam
Claim to fame: Warrior from the only French village not to have been conquered by the Romans.
Good Deeds: Defended his village from Romans. Rescued Getafix (the druid) on more than a few occaisions. Was a Roman gladiator. Discovered America.
Bad Deeds: Addicted to steriods.
Was the moustache the cause?: There's no way of knowing for sure, so I'm going to say yes, because I'm getting hungry.

Tache Style: Gay rocker
Claim to fame: Lead singer for the best loved rock band since The Beatles. Did some songs for Highlander.
Good Deeds: Saved a flagging Live Aid. Totally rocked all the time. Praised fat-bottomed girls. Was fabulous.
Bad deeds: Compulsive liar. His name wasn't Freddie, and he wasn't made of mercury.
Was the moustache the cause?: Unlike the other figures participating in this experiment, there are lots of pictures of Mercury without a moustache. Yet, somehow he always looks odd, like he really needed that fabulous bit of face fuzz to make him complete. What a legend.

Conclusion: Whilst 90% of moustaches are evil, those who are able to harness the power of the moustache and turn it to good are able to completly over-ride all negativity. When someone who is awesome in their own right grows a moustache, and doesn't use it for evil, then they are able to achieve a level of awesomeness so high that it can actually render people blind. I mean, which one of us wouldn't go gay for Freddie?

Pre-AIDS, I mean. There are limits.


  1. For the record, I was evil before I grew the moustache and continue to be evil on those occasions when I shave it off.

    A thought occurs for a sequel article:
    'The possible mitigating influence of combining other facial hair with the evil moustache'.

  2. tummons moustache was pretty bad with just a hint of child-botherer..