Thursday 8 June 2017

Aaron's Spoiler-Free Review of Alien Covenant

Summer is drawing near and the year’s most promising blockbusters are just around the corner. It’s going to be a warm, joyous season of big-screen movies, popcorn and that one girl that won’t stop talking so you brain her and hold up her severed head like the slaying of Medusa whilst everyone in the cinema applauds you for your gallantry.

Ah, it’s going to be wonderful. Which is probably why Alien Covenant was released ahead of Summer, instead of walking proudly among the titans that are The Summer Blockbusters.

That’s right, bozos, Aaron was not amused.

Let’s start from the beginning, and by beginning, I mean that last film that came out.

Remember the first hour of Prometheus? We start with a flashback. Ooh, look at Guy Pearce with his fancy robot friend! Bit flash, innit?

Now we is on a motherfuckin’ spaceship with pods and shit! Look at how close and cliqued this group of people are, with their private jokes and whatnot!

Oh, look at that! A planet! Let’s land on it! Man, look at all these fancy ruins...Oh shit, it’s sustainable for life coz we can breathe and shit! Hold on a bloody minute, there’s statues of massive guys, and check out these holograms! Mental!

Oh, snap, that guy is ill! And that’s an Alien comin’ out of a chavvy! Quick! Back to the ship! What do you mean it’s not that simple? Chaos ensues, you say? Well bugger me!

Remember all that? Well guess what! That’s also the first half of Alien Covenant as well. So, yeah...nice one Ridley, ya pleb. Before you say “But that’s spoilers!” I say, “No it isn’t, because you’ve already seen it and I can’t spoil what you already seen even if you think you haven’t seen it yet, so shut up, Joe!"

One saving grace of this film, however, had to be the cast. They all interacted together really well and actually got you somewhat half-invested in the characters. However I, for the life of me, couldn’t get invested in the story, which is pretty much why we go to see these movies, isn’t it? Some of the special effects were okay, too, I guess (apart from when we get our first glimpse of a Xenomorph and the CGI is so bad it looks like you’re watching a movie on the SyFy channel at three in the afternoon - I should know).

There was also a rather impressive arsenal of plot holes that just left everyone in the cinema looking at each other puzzled. On my way out, people around me were asking the same questions as I was. The film is also ridiculously predictable to the point where your head hurts from rolling your eyes so much, and even more so at the Southern stereotype that is Danny McBride’s character, Tennessee (yup) who drinks Jack Daniel’s, wears a cowboy hat and likes John Denver. Couldn’t make it up!

So all in all, for me, Alien Covenant is nothing more than the first hour of Prometheus (even our female lead is the same character pretty much. Woman, loses other half, reflects on the past, fights against all odds etc.), followed by a montage of fan-favourite scenes from the Quadrilogy.

Aaron's Spoiler-Free Verdict:
An anaemic slow-burner with little to no payoff. 4/10

AJ Waters is a pulp fiction writer from Kent in England, who specialises in horror and flash fiction. With a novella in the works, AJ Waters is an up & comer in the British pulp scene.

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