Friday 3 December 2010

Shitty Video Round-Up

Jethro Tull - Ring Out The Solstice Bells

Brad: This looks like a scene from Watership Down: The Dark Times. What are they rocking here, about eight frames of animation per minute?
Rob: If you pause it at 0:06, it looks like he has scissors for hands. That makes me smile.
Brad: Everytime it shows the cathedral I think it's the Tower of Orthanc. You know what I think?
Rob: Go on.
Brad: I think more prog rock bands need videos. Most don't bother.
Rob: At 0:24 the man is exposed as having history's crappiest crossbow, combined with shooting the world's most overdramatic deer.
Brad: I have two major, major problems with this video.
Firstly, what's with the frequently depicted fat Orc waving his hands whilst sat on a throne? Secondly, there appears to be some indecisiveness as to the faith of this village. Why is there a druid ringing the church bells?
Rob: Sorry, hold on a fucking minute, is that Sherlock Holmes playing bagpipes at 0:36?
Brad: That totally is Sherlock Holmes, you know.
Rob: Are they spit-roasting a seal?!
Brad: You know who'd be really at home in that village?
Rob: Doctor Watson?
Brad: Omer.
Rob: Yes!
Brad: I reckon this is what Christmas looks like to him. Meat and archery. And arm waving Uruk-hai.
Rob: If you're reading this, Omer, and you engage in archery at christmas, you're my new favourite person.
Brad: Score for this one? Shall we mark it out five Christmas Turkeys? Just for a mix up?
Rob: All right, I'll go for Two Christmas Turkeys. It'd have been one, but for the inclusion of England's greatest fictional detective.
Brad: I'm gonna give it Two Christmas Turkeys, too. In the hope that this will encourage other prog rock bands to also write Christmas songs, with animated music videos. I eagerly await Dream Theater's In Dulce Jubileo. Ready for the next one, Santa-Sacks?
Rob: Bring it, Jolly-Balls.

Tom Jones & Cerys Matthews - Baby, It's Cold Outside

Rob: I'd love to live on a chessboard.
Brad: This song is totally about date rape.
Rob: It's certainly about coercing a hot Welsh singer to shag you. I'll grant you that much.
Brad: This is exactly how I pictured Hell. Full of Welsh people.
Rob: Two is not "full".
Brad: Two too many. That table is shaped exactly like a Super Star Destroyer.
Rob: This video is a bit like this dream I had. Except that Tom Jones wasn't there.
Brad: You dreamt you were on an iron shaped chessboard with Cerys Matthews in a Vampirella costume?
Rob: Yeah, pretty much.
Brad: Hunh.
Rob: That was Cerys in the costume, not me.
Brad: I wasn't aware you had a thing for Cerys Matthews. Not that it's the sort of thing that comes up in conversation anyway.
Rob: I like her voice. From interviews and stuff she seems a bit weird, but she's got a lovely face.
Brad: She's quite pretty, but if you asked me to name women I think are hot, it'd be while before I got to her.
Rob: Yeah, I probably wouldn't think of her first, true enough.
Brad: We need a table shaped like the Executor.
Rob: I agree.
Brad: Maybe Tom Jones has one for sale.
Rob: Possibly. I imagine he wouldn't want much for it either.
Brad: Score for this one?
Rob: Four Christmas Turkeys.
Brad: Are we saying five turkeys is bad, or a good video?
Rob: Ahhh, wait, we never did set the scale.
Brad: With "turkeys" having a negative connotation as regards video/film...
Rob: Of course. Right, so five is bad.
Brad: Okay.
Rob: In which case, this gets Two Christmas Turkeys.
Brad: I'm giving this One Christmas Turkey. It's not as bad as I remember. And she is quite hot. Ish.
Rob: I prefer her in the white outfit.

Shakin' Stevens - Merry Christmas Everyone

Brad: It starts with a nice winter wonderland. Guy in a scarf...Then he's in a sled with Victoria Wood.
Rob: The Victoria Wood impersonator can't even seem to move her face.
Brad: Santa looks like some sort of Hagrid/Honey Monster hybrid in this.
Rob: See, I'd watch that Christmas movie.
Brad: And why are children making the toys? Surely they should be the recipients? I mean...isn't that how the Santa thing works? This is badly thought out.
Rob: I like that the montage of children at 1:25-1:35 is just a series of thick children banging things with hammers.
"Piece not fit. Tharg make fit!"
Brad: Yeah, they totally just rounded them up at the special school.
Rob: I think that's unfair on special needs kids; these children are just thick. At least special needs kids have an excuse.
Brad: "Hey kids, you want to come and be in a Shaking Stevens vid...why would you be licking that?"
Rob: Thick kids should know better than to lick things.
Brad: I'd like to believe that "Thick kids should know better than to lick things." was the entirety of Gary Glitter's defence.
Rob: Well, they should. They could take an eye out.
Brad: The snowman starts terrifying at 1:50 and only gets more nightmarish from then on. I'm amazed it doesn't sprout tentacles from its face at the end.
Rob: Wait, so the end of the video is just Shakin' Stevens stealing a sled from Santa Claus? I also like that the most common occurrence of this video is one recorded from German TV at half past five in the morning.
Brad: Score?
Rob: Five Christmas Turkeys. Pure cheese, and not even redeeming by having one of the thick kids lose an eye.
Brad: I agree, this is Five Christmas Turkeys. The lack of Snowman Face Tendrils is depressing.
Rob: I sense a Christmas story entitled The Snowthulhu.

East 17 - Stay

Brad: It upsets me that songs that have absolutely nothing to do with Christmas get labelled Christmas songs. Like this one. Just having snow in the video should not qualify it.
Rob: Yeah, I forgot this was a Christmas song. Same with Mad World by Gary Jules.
Brad: Ah, Brian Harvey. In a perfect world you'd just be banging things in Santa's workshop. There's a woman submerged in an over-sized tablecloth every now and again.
Rob: I thought that was Kate Bush in her Wuthering Heights get-up.
Brad: I like the bald one. He looks so out of place.
Rob: He would look out of place anywhere except a police line-up, to be fair.
Brad: With a look like that, he should be balanced on the back of pick-up truck, pointing a shotgun at Rutger Hauer.
Rob: They look bored. How did they get to Number One with this?
Brad: I want it to go on record here that there is no creepier Christmas song lyric than "I touch your face while you are sleeping"
Rob: I can think of one.
Brad: Go on.
Rob: Well, replace "Touch" with "jizz on" and "face"....well, you can leave that I suppose. Five Christmas Turkeys.
Brad: I'm going Three Christmas Turkeys. It's not good, but it plays it safe by not doing much.
This next one has depressed me for a single reason in the past. I appear to be the only person who has ever heard it.
Rob: All right..Sounds ominous.
Brad: Every person I play it to has no recollection of it. But, it contains so many awesome people in it, it should give you a lob on.

Fat Les - Naughty Christmas

Rob: Well, I've already got a semi, and it's only thirty seconds in.
Brad: I love Keith Allen but am unable to explain why.
Rob: I know what you mean.
Brad: He's greater than the sum of his own parts. Do you remember this song? Or am I legitimately the only person it was played to when it first came out?
Rob: I remembered the name of it when I saw the video load up, but I don't remember the song. It has Paul Kaye in it, I'm not sure why I didn't know it.
Brad: Maybe I am the only person it was ever played to. Maybe Keith Allen just wins his fans over one person at a time. We should invite him to the E14 Christmas Party.
Rob: If you must.
Brad: Well, you know what they say: It's not a Christmas Party if Keith Allen isn't there.
Rob: ...
Brad: ...
Rob: ...Who says that?
Brad: Hunh. Maybe they don't. Maybe I'm the only one who's heard it. Like this song. Score for this one?
Rob: Two Christmas Turkeys. I quite enjoyed that.
Brad: I have thought of something more terrifying than a tentacle faced Santa. Keith Allen singing "I touch your face while you are sleeping". I'm giving it One Christmas Turkey. I'm not sure why I included it. It's awesome.

Cliff Richard - Mistletoe and Wine

Brad: A common theme in these videos is grown men watching children. Sometimes sleeping ones.
Rob: Tragic, the teddy bear at the beginning has more life behind the eyes than the kid. Though the kid's eyes might be fixated on the strange crooner outside his window.
Brad: Is that a punctuation error, or are we led to believe that the teddy bear's name is "Tragic"?
Rob: ...Why not?
Brad: Again, all the extras look like they were rounded up at the local dribble shop.
Rob: That kid must be terrified from thirty seconds onwards, all these people start patrolling outside his window.
Brad: Must be a pogrom.
Rob: It'd be amazing if at 0:50, that spout turned out to be an elephant's cock.
Brad: It would be a Christmas that Cliff would never forget.
Rob: Nor the elephant, I'd wager. Certainly not that poor little kid.
"I could deal with the singer, and I could deal with the carollers...This is too much."
Brad: The kid named his bear "Tragic", he was damaged goods from the start. The elephant's name is "Prostate".
Rob: The aim of that crowd seems to be to melt that snowdrift in the most arse-backwards way possible.
Brad: I object to them cramming in an extra syllable to the word "Christian".
Rob: Then at 1:45, the Windows Media Player special effects begin.
Brad: Oooh, aaah...
Rob: 2:25 is possibly the biggest anticlimax ever. Normally when songs do that, they're about to gear up a semitone. And why is Cliff having a seizure?
Brad: Seriously, who dances like that? Apart from Keith at the last Christmas party.
Rob: People having seizures.
Brad: I like after the castrati carries the chorus, Cliff tries to look hard.
Rob: "Yeah, I wrote that motherfucker..."
Brad: Score?
Rob: It's out of five right?
Brad: Yeah.
Rob: Seventeen Christmas Turkeys.
Brad: It's a pretty cheesy motherfucker, right?
Rob: Very much so.

Run DMC - Chrismas in Hollis

Due to Sony Music Europe being douchebags, we're gonna have to link you to this one on YouTube. Check it out, and then head back here for the commentary. - E14 Editorial Team

Brad: Santa's pretty indriscriminate here.
Rob: "Wait, yeah, what? Probably nice..."
Brad: The Elf is wearing a Thunderbirds cap.
Rob: Scarily I recognise this song, and not the Fat Les one.
Brad: They're in a weird place, right?
Rob: Hollis, Queens?
Brad: No, I mean, you can see pop rappers doing a Christmas song, but Run DMC are a little too serious an outfit for that, right? Will Smith, yeah. Wu-Tang Clan...probably not. I feel Run DMC are a little nearer the right of that dial.
Rob: I would watch the shit out of the Wu-Tang Clan Christmas video.
"Now, here is the Wu-Tang Clan, with their song 'Gifts N' Shit'"
Brad: So, the Elf sends gifts to Run DMC. And...that's it? That's the plot?
Rob: Dude, the plot of Walk This Way is that Aerosmith and Run DMC share neighbouring apartments and happen to write the same song with different vocals.
Brad: Public Enemy would be a little more Malcolm X about the whole deal. They'd object to it being a "White" Christmas.
Rob: You know what's always wound me up about Public Enemy?
Brad: No, what?
Rob: The guy with the clock round his one of their videos he can clearly be seen wearing a watch as well.
Brad: You know that old philosophical question about "Would you go back in time and kill Hitler when we was a baby"?
Rob: Yeah.
Brad: Now we know what Flava Flac will become, would you go back and kill him when Public Enemy were at their peak?
Rob: I guess I would.
Brad: Three Christmas Turkeys.
Rob: Three Christmas Turkeys for me as well.
Brad: Okay this next one is, in my humble opinion, the worst Christmas music video ever.
Rob: Go for it.

The Cheeky Girls - Have A Cheeky Christmas

Rob: Instant Five Christmas Turkeys.
Brad: You know what says "Hot"?
Rob: What?
Brad: Transylvania!
Rob: They must be freezing in that snow globe.
Brad: My favourite part of this is how they manage to dance out of time. Professional. Rehearsed. Twins. Out of time.
Rob: Hunh.
Brad: Someone got paid money to write this.
Rob: Scary, eh? The main question, of course, is what the entire concept is based around. So, would you? If so, which one?
Brad: I'd have to be drunk. It's one of the reasons I quit drinking in fact.
"So, why do you want to quit drinking?"
"I'm worried I might bang one or both of The Cheeky Girls. It's not a risk I want to take any more."
Rob: The living snowman is back from the Shakin Stevens video! Check 2:00! He does a bit more in this one, I think the costume is less restrictive.
Brad: Would you? If so, which one?
Robert: I haven't quit drinking, so there is that risk. In which case, the one on the right.
Brad: They seem to have a different definition of the word "cheeky" to the rest of the world.
Rob: It seems like the last line of the chorus is "have a cheeky Christmas, Dad."
It's a sign of a typical cheesy pop video when the main dance in the chorus is only just more active than summoning a Zord in Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.
Brad: It makes me instinctively shout "Ha-Do-Ken!". I like that the last line of the Middle Eight is "Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Wow!". That probably backwards masks as "I'm not gonna lie, we just don't give a shit anymore."
Rob: Four Christmas Turkeys. I did originally give it an Instant Five, but I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed their bottoms.
Brad: It's the full Five Christmas Turkeys for me. This contains every single Christmas video cliche, apart from touching a child's face whilst it's sleeping.
Rob: I think that kid from the Cliff video would have been over the moon with that outcome.

Twisted Sister - Oh Come All Ye Faithful

Rob: There seemed to be some serious emphasis on her tits at 0:23.
Brad: Cool.
Rob: Dee Snyder FTW. Why have I not heard this before?
Brad: The answer to that question is, once again, "Because you suck".
Rob: I'll accept that answer on this occasion.
Brad: You know what I think?
Rob: On a variety of subjects. But go on.
Brad: I think this is what Christmas with Omer is really like.
Rob: I sort of like the archery idea better still.
Brad: I would rent the shit out of "Archery with Dee Snider".

Words: Brad Harmer and Rob Wade

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