Monday, 20 December 2010

My Day as a Detective('s Note Taker) Part 2


Read Part One Here

"Right, my boy, where shall we go next for clues?"
I thought carefully on this, but was unable to determine where we'd have to go next.

"Sir, we made it here last time because your map had a big arrow over the Marina. We need to see that map again, I would've thought."

"A capital idea, my lad! I'll ring the office. They'll be able to direct us from here."

I couldn't argue with that logic, and so Detective Peeyai phoned the Huntsville P.D. I only caught one half of the conversation, but when Peeyai ended the call (because apparently in the mobile age, to 'put down' the phone offends my grammatical sensibilities) he had a look on his face that I would usually reserve for traffic wardens that have just been called 'jobsworth wankers'. We stood there in awkward silence for a few seconds, and then I piped up.

"Sir, what did they say?"

"Well, it seems that the person on the other end of that phone can't tell me where the arrow is pointing, and says that we'll have to come and see for ourselves."

I couldn't imagine anyone more difficult, and I'd dealt with the Job Centre people. Reluctantly, we jumped in the car and drove back to the station. When we arrived back at the station we burst into the room to confront the person that had sent us on this wasteful trek. I was fully expecting to find a burly, disinterested officer that I'd have to lecture at a distance lest he punch me and make me cry. What I got was not exactly that.

"Jeff, from Toad engineering? What are you doing here? I thought you were working in the Mushroom Kingdom as...well, Head of Toad Engineering."

"I was indeed, young man. However, though my desire to fix pipes is strong, my desire to see wrong-doers punished is that much stronger. It's like Voltaire said..."

"Alright, I've got it. FYI, Jeff, nobody quotes philosophers except academics and Page 3 girls, and only one of them gets taken seriously. Which are you?"

"Fine, have it your way. Anyway, I thought you should see this for yourself."



Peeyai and I eyed up the map, looking for any changes. Sure enough, the arrow was no longer hovering over the Marina, which had instead been marked with a tick and greyed out again. Instead, the arrow was hovering over the police station itself. Jeff had led us right to the spot where the crime had supposedly taken place.

"Jeff, why did you not just tell us that the arrow was hovering over here?"

"I figured that you'd take your sweet-arse time getting here if you thought the danger had passed. I wanted to get you here faster."

I couldn't argue with the logic, and in this case I had really wanted to.

"Alright," I said through gritted teeth, "where did the crime take place?"

"How the fuck should I know? I'm just here to fix the sink."

"I thought you said..."

"I know what I said!" Jeff snapped. "I was sort of looking for an excuse to be in this room really. Can you put in a good word for me?"

"Jeff, I'm just a temp. I got this job through Bjorn. If you're that bothered by your lot in life, maybe you should work out your differences!"

Jeff re-attached his tool belt and sidled off, grumbling as he went. I caught bits of it, and it wasn't positive, let's say that.

With that weird incident behind us, Peeyai and I turned our attentions back to the board.

"Right, so the crime's been committed here somewhere. All we need to do is figure out where."

No sooner had I said that when a young lady (not bad, about a 7 out of 10) burst into the room with a look of horror on her face.

"Quick! Somebody's been murdered!"

"Calm down, young lady, whereabouts did this happen?" I had to admire Peeyai, as he was so calm and collected, like Chuck Norris on valium.

"Right outside the station!"

Peeyai and I looked at each other, and it seemed like he was thinking the same thing as me.

"When did it happen?" Peeyai enquired.

The lady, a little more composed, said "Well, the coroner estimates time of death at two hours ago."

As we got down to the street level outside the station, one thought was running through our mind.

"Fucking hell," I exclaimed, "did we walk straight past that?!"



Peeyai suddenly kicked back into professional mode. It made sense that he did, really, as my professional mode would have merely seen me demonstrate Windows 7 to passers-by.

"Right, no doubt our killer will have left us clues again that give us the way to his identity. All we have to do is figure this out."

"I'm ready, Detective."

"Rob, we're past the point of formality now. Call me 'E'. After all, when I'm not at work I don't call myself 'Detective'. I'm simply 'Mr. E. Peeyai.'"

"Ok...E...What are we looking for? No doubt, it's more of that oh so relevant stuff right?"

"Correct in one, my boy. First thing he's likely to have left behind is...a kettle."

"...Right...Any particular kind? Electric? The kind you heat over a fireplace?"

"Knowing this monster, the second one."

I scouted around, and sure enough there was a kettle sat to one side of the stone steps up to the station.

"Next?"

"A chair."

Deciding that I knew enough about chairs not to need to ask what kind, I hunted high and low before finding a wicker chair. I showed Peeyai and noticed that he seemed to be slightly uncomfortable.

"What's the matter?"

"Sorry, my lad, it's just...I'm a wickerphile. I get aroused by wicker objects. Chairs, baskets, anything really."

"Wow...I...Wow. Does it affect you in any way?"

"Well, put it this way. You know the first half an hour of Raiders of the Lost Ark?"

"I don't think I need to know any more."

"Good call."

After gathering the remaining objects together, we held up the photo again to see what difference it made. Sure enough, another third of the photo began to reveal itself. After a few seconds, we were presented with a picture of the culprit.

"What is this picture showing, Peeyai?"

"Well, lad, at the moment it's not showing as much as I would like, as we can't see his face. However, what it does definitely show is the murderer killing my previous note-taker. The only problem is that I don't know how good this will be in court."

"...What?"

TO BE CONCLUDED...

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