Monday 18 October 2010

Predator Weaponry Reviews

Predator Cloaking Technology

Rob: I love this one. Think of the practical possibilities.
Brad: I have always been of the opinion that the Predator cloaking technology was actually developed and manufactured in Britain.
Rob: What makes you think that?
Brad: "So, this is gonna make me invisible, right?"
"Near as."
"What exactly is 'near' invisible?"
"'ll be fine."
Rob: Yeah, that does sound pretty British actually. I remember seeing Die Another Day at the pictures, and all the kids were impressed that his car did that.
Brad: Which one was Die Another Day? If you say "the one with the invisible car", I'll hurt you.
Rob: The Pierce Brosnan one with the ice castle.
Brad: That's...Superman?
Rob: Hmmm...
Brad: So, if you had one of these suits, what would you do?
Rob: I realise that there's endless possibilities with this item, and I apologise for the fact that I'm going to say "Tell people I left a party and see what they really think of me.".
Brad: That's pretty lame, dude. Do I want to ask why, or is that going to send us down a dark tangent?
Rob: What can I say? I find it increasingly hard to trust people. I just think they're pricks.
Brad: You know what I'd do? I'd get two, and put one inside the other to see what happens. Score?
Rob: 9/10
Brad: 7/10

Combi Stick

Rob: It looks like an impractically long rifle in that photo.
Brad: More so because you can't see either tip.
Rob: Exactly...
Brad: It could theoretically go on indefinitely. That's a hell of a rifle. You ever see an anti-tank rifle?
Rob: Not in person, but I think I've seen it in general.
Brad: They have loads in the Imperial War Museum. I pray I never have to take a lucky rifle shot through tank armour. As prayers go, that's fairly easily fulfilled.
Rob: If you had to take one, though, you'd be better off with a lucky shot. Unless, of course, War were declared...
Brad: The combi stick is pretty cool, but I'm not really sure it's ever really any better know...a spear. I get that it's collapsible so that it can easily be transported, but I'm not sure that "designed to collapse in on itself" is a trait that's all that desirable in a melee weapon.
Rob: Yeah, I suppose it's more like those novelty spears you get that compress in and don't actually hurt anyone. Maybe a Predator is all about smoke and mirrors...
Brad: It's like that scene in Highlander where The Kurgan puts his sword together, and there's all these interlocking pieces. I don't want a sword that comes apart that easily.
Rob: In a fight, that could spell your undoing. If undoing was spelt "s-w-o-r-d-y-d-e-a-t-h".
Brad: 6/10
Rob: 4/10. Maybe that's what the Predator wants, low scores...Smoke and mirrors.

Wrist Blades

Brad: Of all the Predator's weapons, these are the ones that I wish I had most often.
Rob: I've always found these blades to be slightly too long.
Brad: Well, I think you want to go too long, rather than too short.
Rob: True, but they're melee weapons, thus the point is to get up close and personal.
Brad: Well, they're sword length, I guess. That is pretty up close and personal compared to, say, a flame-thrower.
Rob: I guess, but if I was going to stab someone through, I'd want to be right up close and personal with them.
Brad: Are we coming back to your people issues again?
Rob: Issues? What issues? Just know that if some prick ever is walking just ahead of me and suddenly spins round, they're getting a dropkick in the face.
Brad: Football dropkick, or wrestling dropkick?
Rob: Either works, depends on how close they actually are.
Brad: You just seem more paranoid than normal. That's all I'm saying.
Rob: I'm not paranoid...what have you heard?
Brad: I wonder if you can get Swiss Army Wrist Blades. You get like a corkscrew, a magnifying glass, a fish descaler...
Rob: Lemon zester...
Brad: The Swiss need to start being more imaginative with their blades, don't they? Biro.
DS stylus.
Rob: Fleshlight.
Brad: Kanye West.
Rob: "Yo yo lemon zester, I'm gonna let you finish, but corkscrew had the best job of all time!"
Brad: Whoa! Careful with your razor sharp satire, there! You might slice us all the way back to 2009!
Rob: Was it really that long ago?!
Brad: One sec...13 September 2009.
Rob: Jesus.
Brad: You'll find as you get older, time moves faster. Like the mental gut-punch you'll receive when I tell you that "Stan" by Eminem is now ten years old.
Rob: Fuck!
Brad: That's the one, yeah. Score for the Wrist Blades?
Rob: 8/10, because they're not quite as sharp as satire taking us back to 2009.
Brad: 6/10. Before we move on, can I just make an open statement here?
Rob: Sure.
Brad: With respect to John McTiernan, The Thomas Brothers and the late, great, Stan Winston...I'm pretty sure that these should be called forearm blades.
Rob: I'd agree. Unless Predators by biological definitions have no forearms, merely massive long wrists.

Predator Smart Disc

Rob: Help me out...these don't really jump out at me as something I remember.
Brad: It's like a razor sharp discus.
Rob: ...That doesn't help me place it in the movie.
Brad: Danny Glover steals it off him.
Rob: Gotcha. See, that already puts it on a negative element in my mind.
Brad: I think it's a pretty cool weapon, but it's a complete knock off of the weapon used by the alien bounty hunter in the little known Dolph Lundgren movie Dark Angel AKA I Come In Peace. Not a lot of people know that.
Rob: It doesn't help its case that I don't like Predator 2.
Brad: I like Predator 2.
Rob: That's nice...
Brad: What's your main objection?
Rob: I just don't think it's as well-executed as the first one. The idea is phenomenal, sending the Predator into a big city is genius...but it's Danny Glover dude...Wesley Snipes, yes. Hell, I'd take Mr. T in that role over Glover.
Brad: I agree. I like that you see more of the Predator's weapons and the honour system, but I do think that it could have been better cast. I think switching Danny Glover and Bill Paxton's roles would have fixed it.
Rob: I'd even take Cosby!
Brad: "Well, you see with the thermal vision and the massive long wrists coming for the skulls of the drug lords and the..."
Rob: I don't like this discus. It looks like a toy.
Brad: That picture there is a...never mind. 7/10
Rob: 3/10

Shoulder Cannon

Brad: What is with the three dot laser sight? Is that really supposed to be easier dot?
Rob: It would make sense to put them further apart.
Brad: This is a mother fucker of a weapon though. This is the one that blew a hole in Jesse Ventura.
Rob: That takes some doing. Not that I've tried.
Brad: Where's Omer when you need him?
Rob: I don't know. Why?
Brad: Well, he's probably fought him at some point...Is "fought" the right word?
Rob: As opposed to "bummed" yeah.
Brad: "Played" doesn't seem right, either.
Rob: Ah, you mean in wrestling. Generally, my understanding is that they go with "wrestled".
Brad: That's retardedly obvious. What's wrong with me tonight?
Rob: Not sure. Maybe you've been wrestled.
Brad: By Jesse Ventura, Omer, or the Predator?
Rob: Well, did you see anyone do it?
Brad: More importantly...Is there anyone reading this, who wouldn't pay to watch a Fatal Four Way between me, "Unbreakable" Omer Ibrahim, Jesse "The Body" Ventura and The Predator?
Rob: Is his name really "Unbreakable"?
Brad: No, it's a stage name. Thicko.
Rob: Is his wrestling name really "Unbreakable"?
Brad: It's the one he's using currently, yeah.
Rob: Jesus. If I'm a wrestler, remind me never to name myself after M. Night Shyamalan movies.
Rob: 8/10. Courtesy of "Lady in the Water" Rob Wade
Brad: 10/10. Courtesy of "d10" Brad Harmer

Predators is out on Blu-ray and DVD on 1st November 2010

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