Monday, 18 October 2010

Predator Weaponry Reviews

Predator Cloaking Technology

Rob: I love this one. Think of the practical possibilities.
Brad: I have always been of the opinion that the Predator cloaking technology was actually developed and manufactured in Britain.
Rob: What makes you think that?
Brad: "So, this is gonna make me invisible, right?"
"Near as."
"What exactly is 'near' invisible?"
"Ah...you'll be fine."
Rob: Yeah, that does sound pretty British actually. I remember seeing Die Another Day at the pictures, and all the kids were impressed that his car did that.
Brad: Which one was Die Another Day? If you say "the one with the invisible car", I'll hurt you.
Rob: The Pierce Brosnan one with the ice castle.
Brad: That's...Superman?
Rob: Hmmm...
Brad: So, if you had one of these suits, what would you do?
Rob: I realise that there's endless possibilities with this item, and I apologise for the fact that I'm going to say "Tell people I left a party and see what they really think of me.".
Brad: That's pretty lame, dude. Do I want to ask why, or is that going to send us down a dark tangent?
Rob: What can I say? I find it increasingly hard to trust people. I just think they're pricks.
Brad: You know what I'd do? I'd get two, and put one inside the other to see what happens. Score?
Rob: 9/10
Brad: 7/10

Combi Stick

Rob: It looks like an impractically long rifle in that photo.
Brad: More so because you can't see either tip.
Rob: Exactly...
Brad: It could theoretically go on indefinitely. That's a hell of a rifle. You ever see an anti-tank rifle?
Rob: Not in person, but I think I've seen it in general.
Brad: They have loads in the Imperial War Museum. I pray I never have to take a lucky rifle shot through tank armour. As prayers go, that's fairly easily fulfilled.
Rob: If you had to take one, though, you'd be better off with a lucky shot. Unless, of course, War were declared...
Brad: The combi stick is pretty cool, but I'm not really sure it's ever really any better than...you know...a spear. I get that it's collapsible so that it can easily be transported, but I'm not sure that "designed to collapse in on itself" is a trait that's all that desirable in a melee weapon.
Rob: Yeah, I suppose it's more like those novelty spears you get that compress in and don't actually hurt anyone. Maybe a Predator is all about smoke and mirrors...
Brad: It's like that scene in Highlander where The Kurgan puts his sword together, and there's all these interlocking pieces. I don't want a sword that comes apart that easily.
Rob: In a fight, that could spell your undoing. If undoing was spelt "s-w-o-r-d-y-d-e-a-t-h".
Brad: 6/10
Rob: 4/10. Maybe that's what the Predator wants, low scores...Smoke and mirrors.

Wrist Blades

Brad: Of all the Predator's weapons, these are the ones that I wish I had most often.
Rob: I've always found these blades to be slightly too long.
Brad: Well, I think you want to go too long, rather than too short.
Rob: True, but they're melee weapons, thus the point is to get up close and personal.
Brad: Well, they're sword length, I guess. That is pretty up close and personal compared to, say, a flame-thrower.
Rob: I guess, but if I was going to stab someone through, I'd want to be right up close and personal with them.
Brad: Are we coming back to your people issues again?
Rob: Issues? What issues? Just know that if some prick ever is walking just ahead of me and suddenly spins round, they're getting a dropkick in the face.
Brad: Football dropkick, or wrestling dropkick?
Rob: Either works, depends on how close they actually are.
Brad: You just seem more paranoid than normal. That's all I'm saying.
Rob: I'm not paranoid...what have you heard?
Brad: I wonder if you can get Swiss Army Wrist Blades. You get like a corkscrew, a magnifying glass, a fish descaler...
Rob: Lemon zester...
Brad: The Swiss need to start being more imaginative with their blades, don't they? Biro.
Toast.
DS stylus.
Rob: Fleshlight.
Brad: Kanye West.
Rob: "Yo yo lemon zester, I'm gonna let you finish, but corkscrew had the best job of all time!"
Brad: Whoa! Careful with your razor sharp satire, there! You might slice us all the way back to 2009!
Rob: Was it really that long ago?!
Brad: One sec...13 September 2009.
Rob: Jesus.
Brad: You'll find as you get older, time moves faster. Like the mental gut-punch you'll receive when I tell you that "Stan" by Eminem is now ten years old.
Rob: Fuck!
Brad: That's the one, yeah. Score for the Wrist Blades?
Rob: 8/10, because they're not quite as sharp as satire taking us back to 2009.
Brad: 6/10. Before we move on, can I just make an open statement here?
Rob: Sure.
Brad: With respect to John McTiernan, The Thomas Brothers and the late, great, Stan Winston...I'm pretty sure that these should be called forearm blades.
Rob: I'd agree. Unless Predators by biological definitions have no forearms, merely massive long wrists.

Predator Smart Disc

Rob: Help me out...these don't really jump out at me as something I remember.
Brad: It's like a razor sharp discus.
Rob: ...That doesn't help me place it in the movie.
Brad: Danny Glover steals it off him.
Rob: Gotcha. See, that already puts it on a negative element in my mind.
Brad: I think it's a pretty cool weapon, but it's a complete knock off of the weapon used by the alien bounty hunter in the little known Dolph Lundgren movie Dark Angel AKA I Come In Peace. Not a lot of people know that.
Rob: It doesn't help its case that I don't like Predator 2.
Brad: I like Predator 2.
Rob: That's nice...
Brad: What's your main objection?
Rob: I just don't think it's as well-executed as the first one. The idea is phenomenal, sending the Predator into a big city is genius...but it's Danny Glover dude...Wesley Snipes, yes. Hell, I'd take Mr. T in that role over Glover.
Brad: I agree. I like that you see more of the Predator's weapons and the honour system, but I do think that it could have been better cast. I think switching Danny Glover and Bill Paxton's roles would have fixed it.
Rob: I'd even take Cosby!
Brad: "Well, you see with the thermal vision and the massive long wrists coming for the skulls of the drug lords and the..."
Rob: I don't like this discus. It looks like a toy.
Brad: That picture there is a...never mind. 7/10
Rob: 3/10

Shoulder Cannon

Brad: What is with the three dot laser sight? Is that really supposed to be easier than...say...one dot?
Rob: It would make sense to put them further apart.
Brad: This is a mother fucker of a weapon though. This is the one that blew a hole in Jesse Ventura.
Rob: That takes some doing. Not that I've tried.
Brad: Where's Omer when you need him?
Rob: I don't know. Why?
Brad: Well, he's probably fought him at some point...Is "fought" the right word?
Rob: As opposed to "bummed" yeah.
Brad: "Played" doesn't seem right, either.
Rob: Ah, you mean in wrestling. Generally, my understanding is that they go with "wrestled".
Brad: That's retardedly obvious. What's wrong with me tonight?
Rob: Not sure. Maybe you've been wrestled.
Brad: By Jesse Ventura, Omer, or the Predator?
Rob: Well, did you see anyone do it?
Brad: More importantly...Is there anyone reading this, who wouldn't pay to watch a Fatal Four Way between me, "Unbreakable" Omer Ibrahim, Jesse "The Body" Ventura and The Predator?
Rob: Is his name really "Unbreakable"?
Brad: No, it's a stage name. Thicko.
Rob: Is his wrestling name really "Unbreakable"?
Brad: It's the one he's using currently, yeah.
Rob: Jesus. If I'm a wrestler, remind me never to name myself after M. Night Shyamalan movies.
Rob: 8/10. Courtesy of "Lady in the Water" Rob Wade
Brad: 10/10. Courtesy of "d10" Brad Harmer

Predators is out on Blu-ray and DVD on 1st November 2010

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CHUCK: SEASON THREE GIVEAWAY

Chuck is back and he's the Chuck you know: the hapless Nerd Herder hopelessly devoted to sexy super spy Sarah. And he's the Chuck you don't know: a master martial artist whose brain is locked and loaded with the new Intersect 2.0. How the two Chucks clash, bash and (sometimes) cooperate makes this 5-disc, 19-Episode Complete Season 3 total, action packed fun. More new stuff: A dashing rival (Brandon Routh) joins the team, someone from Chucks Buy More life discovers his secret and Chuck learns the spy biz can turn the nicest guy dark and dangerous. "For the last two years, we've protected Chuck from the world" the General notes, "But now we have to protect the world from Chuck".

We've got a copy of Chuck: Season Three to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to chuckgiveaway@yahoo.co.uk before midday on Monday 25th October. The first name out of the electronic hat grabs the prize!

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