Monday 4 October 2010

Monsters - The Ugly, The Bad and The E14

Monsters. Sometimes they scare you, sometimes they unease you. Sometimes, frankly, they just make you piss your pants with laughter. Here at E14, we like to give October a Halloween theme, and thus here is one of each of those examples to keep you spooked for a few days. Be warned: This list is not for the faint of heart, but not for the reasons you'd normally need to be worried.

The Ugly - Tribbles

I would happily bet you any amount of money right now that William Shatner's thought at that exact moment was "My God, I can't believe it's come to this."

Let's be fair. Despite everyone insisting on how cute those things were, they were shit. They didn't look like they should be feared, reviled or even noticed. They purred, for one thing, and that's enough to make me want to kick it off a bridge. As far as looks go, they looked like they belonged in a particularly large make-up bag owned by perhaps a giant, or Dennis Rodman.

More ridiculously still, Tribbles are apparently the sworn enemy of the Klingon Empire, according to an episode of Deep Space Nine in which they featured. Are you seriously telling me that Klingons, the notoriously badass alien race, are afraid of some powder puff aliens? "Oh, they're becoming a pest." Grow up, Cornish pasty-face.

Incidentally, the story behind the Tribbles is that the writer of the episode wanted to do a rabbit comparison, as when rabbits were first introduced into Australia, they fucked like...themselves...and reproduced at a staggering rate owing to the lack of predators. Nice work, scribe, but next time you want to make that sort of comparison, you'd be better off making the animals look like something better than two inch fuzzy poofs.

I suppose the main reason that I hate them so goddamned much boils down to what they stand for. Tribbles appear a handful of times in the Star Trek canon. In their first appearance, during the Kirk era, they were good for not much more than breeding machines. The next time they appeared was in the animated series, where their sexual appetites had been extinguished, only for them to grow significantly fatter instead. More damningly, Tribble stage props can fetch up to $1000 at auction. Breeding machines that just get fatter and suck up people's money? Tribbles are the extra-terrestrial equivalent of Chavs.

The Bad - Tokka and Rahzar

For those not familiar with these two beasties, the monsters in question were partially the villains in the film Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze, when Shredder used some of the same mutagen which created the titular Turtles to create some of his own mutants to combat the wise-cracking foursome. However, one can't help but wonder his battle plan when it comes to their looks.

"I need some monsters. The Turtles are mutants, and I need some which are bigger and more bad-ass."
"Well, this ooze will do the trick. Did you want to use some massive, already quite mean things to make up your monster army?"
"Army? I just want the two."
"Right...Well, did you want a proven killing machine like a scorpion, or maybe something like a bear?"
"No, I've thought of that already. I want a wolf cub and a snapping turtle."
"A wolf CUB?"
"Yes, the traditionally wussier version of the wolf..."
"Is it too late to put my notice in?"

To this day I have never understood the logic of using a snapping turtle either. Apparently, the solution to defeating a mutant is to have a slightly meaner version of the same animal? So what, a bear can't defeat a lion in combat? (Incidentally, I'd pay to see that) A shark can't square off against an octopus? The shark would win in my opinion, by the way, I know there's a debate out there and I'm throwing my hat into the ring. Ultimately, though, the failing of Shredder's minions was to mix these animals into a serum that gave them child mentality, and then NOT to tell them that their favourite animé was being cancelled. If you have a five year old, just imagine the carnage that they would cause if you told them there'd be no more Yu-Gi-Oh!

The E14 - Predator

Look at this masterpiece. He looks like he's about to fuck shit up just from this one photo, and this is AFTER he takes off his armour and all his fancy gadgets. I don't know about you, but I still wouldn't want to run into this thing in a dark alley anywhere, particularly in the jungle. Not that there are any dark alleys in the jungle, you understand, I'm just making a point.

Anyway, one of the reasons this creature is fucking nails stems from its camouflage armour. When I was a kid and watched Predator for the first time, I actually missed the first two minutes where it shows the spaceship crashing on Earth. Strangely enough, it actually made the film ten times better for me; I loved the idea that something so dangerous was on Earth already without having come from another planet.

Now, regrettably watching the film all the way through took away from that somewhat, but at least now I don't have to picture how a Predator would order McDonald's if food was scarce. The answer, incidentally, is that he would have to hang back until someone ordered what he wanted, and then synthesise their voice. Imagine the problems if someone wanted an apple pie with their meal, he'd be waiting forever!

Of course, we're talking about the Predator, the species that takes spines and skulls as essentially a business card, and hunted Aliens for a bit of a laugh. That alone should count for some E14 points, as the Alien race are pretty nails themselves (and bleed fucking ACID), thus adding to the badass levels demonstrated by our vagina-mouthed friend. In popular media, he's faced off against Batman, Aliens, the guy who played Conan and...Danny Glover...and he's always made a good showing for himself. And if he hasn't, he's just nuked the landscape: Instant +1 to Awesome.

That may sound a strange thing to say, and I'm not suggesting that nuking things is a good response to everything; it's more the act of damaging your competitor in your death. It's the mark of a good warrior in that though their life is ended, their threat is anything but over. Having said that, he was beaten by Arnie in a fight, but I probably couldn't take Arnie today. Hell, I'd struggle with Ali.


Maddie Curtis (Monica Keena - Freddy vs Jason) and her friends Lily, Suzanne and Colin (Edward Furlong - Terminator 2) are ready for a great Halloween night at the notorious Broussard mansion in New Orleans.

The party's host Angela (Shannon Elizabeth - American Pie) throws a debaucherous party where anything goes! However the house holds a horrible secret...

The guests soon discover the gates are locked and the house is home to demons looking for seven vessels to break free of their ancient curse.

Who will make it through the night and stop the evil forces from spreading into the world?

Thanks to our friends at Kaleidoscope Home Entertainment, we've got three copies of Night of the Demons on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning, send in your name and full postal address to before midday on Monday 11th October. The first three names out of the electronic hat will win a copy each!

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