Wednesday, 6 October 2010

Gandalf the Grey Can Cock Off

Some things need saying and as you, my loving and faithful readers know, I’m never afraid of saying them. Anyway, here it is: Gandalf the Grey is a massive, massive dick.

Sure, he’s one of literature’s most loved and admired characters. I even quite like him from that standpoint, but the sorts of people who come up with these things never stop to imagine the irreparable damage that Gandalf wreaks on the life of Bilbo Baggins – regardless of Bilbo’s feelings on the matter.

The first time we ever see Gandalf is when poor old Bilbo is sitting on his front porch enjoying a nice pipe, and possibly a mug of beer, too. When he sees Gandalf passing by, he greets him with a nice, gentle “Good morning.”

Gandalf’s response is not a “Good Morning” back, or even a friendly “Hello”. Gandalf replies “What do you mean? Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”

It is a testament to Tolkien’s writing ability that he is able to introduce this scruffy, grumpy tramp and have everyone think of him as a hero, legend and mentor...despite the fact that he registers at least four Spencer Pratts on the Douche-O-Meter scale (approximately the same as Sharon Osbourne).

After several minutes of verbal pummelling, Bilbo is left no recourse other than to go and hide in his own house to escape the belligerent tramp who has cornered him on his own doorstep. Once Bilbo is safely inside, Gandalf doodles over his door, and then buggers off...although apparently not for good.

Later that evening, just as Bilbo is setting down to dinner, he finds his home invaded by a stream of demented, psychotic, plate smashing lunatics. Bear in mind that what is supposed to “endearing, charming and eccentric” in The Hobbit is actually a scene of “terror, psychopathic violence and rapening” in A Clockwork Orange. It’s all a matter of perspective, I guess.

Another thing to bear in mind here is that Gandalf is not even the first one on the scene. A wizard is never late, because he never tells you when he’s arriving. He’s going to be there when he gets there, and God help you if there isn’t plenty of food and Speccy Brew for his small army of tramps.

This isn’t even the most insufferable parts of Gandalf the Dick’s ability to not give an Orc’s knob about anyone. Gandalf’s party trick, no matter which book he is appearing in, is to only explain half of what is going on, and then to get really angry with people when they don’t follow what the bloody hell he’s blathering on about. In fact, I’d like to put forward a theory here, and see if you can come up with a counter argument for it:

Gandalf is drunk for pretty much all of The Hobbit, and most of The Lord of the Rings.

This would explain the belligerence, the half-understood speech and the fact he keeps buggering off – often for days at a time. It also explains why he has to abandon the Dwarves to a certain death in Mirkwood: he’s off to a kegger at Orthanc.

Cock off, Gandalf the Grey. Cock off.


ARMAGEDDON OF THE DEAD GIVEAWAY

After the Apocalypse, comes the Armageddon... get ready to go to hell

With the flesh-hungry undead walking the Earth, the living should be running for their life. But for Sam and his wife Jenny that's not an option - their young daughter is lost, terrified and alone in the heart of the zombie Armageddon and they're prepared to rescue her by any means necessary.

Its been called one of the goriest, most violent films ever made... get ready for an epic hell bent slaughter fest - after all that's what family's for...

Thanks to our friends at Metrodome, we've got three copies of Armageddon of the Dead on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning, send in your name and full postal address to armageddongiveaway@yahoo.co.uk before midday on Wednesday 13th October. The first three e-mails out of the electronic hat will win a copy each!

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