Monday 10 August 2009

Technology we need today

In our modern day world, we find ourselves at an absolute pinnacle of technological achievement. Scientists have never been closer to understanding how the human genetic coding works, as the genome project is progressing at an impressive rate. Monkeys can be trained to use a robotic arm using only the power of their mind. However, to the Emotionally Fourteen, it just doesn't seem like enough does it? So we thought we'd compile a list of the coolest science fiction gadgets we'd like to see made fact.


Say what you like about how much the new movie is going to blow, TRON is a piece of cinematic history in its own right. It demonstrated impressive special effects for the time period, and furthered the career of Jeff Bridges, for which we should all be eternally grateful.

It just seems like a lot of problems with the driving world nowadays would be solved with TRON bikes. If someone cuts you off, you're dead and thus have no further worries about being cut up by that person. Of course, this would leave us with a world of crap drivers, the ultimate injustice of course being that they'd probably end up being safer after everyone safe was dead.


Speaking of transportation, how awesome would transportation tubes be? You've seen the initial groundworks; the town with a tram system in place is really a test run for firing human beings at hyper-quick speed from destination to destination. Even a monorail is just a large amount of faffing around for what is essentially the same thing. The only difference is that the monorail transports people at a much slower speed, and you might have to sit next to a tramp or a crazy person.

It would also make up for the fact that frankly, the cost of transport is going up at a stupidly high rate. In the UK for example, the government seems to like keeping petrol tax high in order to encourage people to use their cars less often. All sorts of crazy schemes have been suggested in order to both bolster the income from motorists and encourage the sharing of cars, from the congestion charge in London to the proposed pay-per-mile scheme that gets chucked around every few years.

However, the obvious solution always seems to elude the government of this country; tube systems! People would be at their destination quicker, the congestion would only involve the smell of someone else's feet for a few seconds, and the journey would be over before claustrophobia set in. Of course, there'd need to be slightly larger mobility-accessible ones, but that's all stuff that can be hammered out in development phase.


Let's be fair about this; while I was never a huge fan of Star Trek , I always thought the technology in place was pretty awesome. Matter transporters, inter-galactic spacecraft. Hell, they even had phasers, guns that could be set to "stun" or "kill", the latter being a setting that Starfleet seems to avoid, presumably of the possibility of an attack being classed as racism or something.

However, as cheat devices go, the Tricorder was pretty high on the list of cheap devices that seemed to exist as an easy explanation of certain things. Encompassing one part sat-nav with your local GP or Lloyd's Pharmacy, the Tricorder allows the user to scan the local area and interprets the data in some sort of easy to read format. That, and it's probably got a couple of games on it. I mean, in all seriousness, if you could design a device that would be used to scan large barren and desolate planets, you'd put a Solitaire game or Minesweeper on there.


Admit it; there is hardly a cooler item in the history of science fiction. Ripped off by more medium than possibly any other Star Wars reference, the lightsaber is one of the few weapons that allows for a completely clean cut which instantly sears shut, except for Episode IV where Obi Wan cuts off the guy's arm but it bleeds anyway. There could be a number of reasons for this though, not least of all pure and simple old age. Oftentimes, I've heard it said, stuff doesn't work as it should as you get older. Presumably Obi Wan's lightsaber was simply flaccid when he chopped the guy's arm off, adding to the embarassment further, as to take a guy's arm off with something flaccid takes a pretty hefty whack. I would imagine.

The practical uses for people having lightsabers far outweigh the potential health detriments associated with the weapon. It would eliminate knife crime, as who would want a pansy-arsed little switchblade when you could have a double-bladed red lightsaber? Plus I think, and maybe this is just a dream, that possessing a weapon of such unequivocal awesomeness would cause a lot of the thugs in various crime-stricken areas to become a little more refined.


I don't think I even need explain myself on this one, but I will anyway in case anything has been lost in translation. There is nothing that the police force is having problems with that could not be solved by the addition of Robocop to any police ranks. He is blessed with computerised synapses, making logic and reasoning a doddle. He's part human, which as we see throughout the course of the movie, makes him relatable and makes kids unafraid to give him a hug without fear of being turned into a fine red mist. Presumably that logic circuit would come in handy for day-to-day administration as well.

"Robocop, any chance you can process this ream of tedious paperw-"
"Paperwork complete!"
"Lunch mode engaged."

If all that doesn't sway you, he did also raise the credibility of WCW.

Oh wait...


  1. 'Ripped off by more medium than possibly any other Star Wars reference, the lightsaber...'

    --- Actually, what most Star Wars fans who constantly moan on and on and on about how many times the lightsaber has been ripped off don't realise is that Star Wars was NOT the first time a 'laser sword' had been used in science fiction.

    The first appearance of a laser sword was in the 'Lucky Starr' series of novels written by Isaac Asimov, the first of which was published in 1952... a good fifteen years before the first Star Wars movie.

    If anyone has a genuine grievance about the proliferation of laser swords in science fiction, it's Asimov.

    Mr. Asimov also had a character called 'Han' who was a scoundrel-ish space pilot AND a planet called 'Korrellia' in his 'Foundation' saga, which was also published long before Star Wars came out. Methinks Mr. Lucas may have been an Asimov fan.

    Isaac Asimov's dead, of course, so he's unlikely to complain.

  2. does it not have any effect on you that you life has resoted to writing these lame posts when all in all you're not funny yourself, mearly riding on the back of your mates comical abilities?

  3. I spend five minutes a day reading the website of three of my best friends and occasionally post a comment if I feel it might be informative and/or mildly amusing. I honestly don't feel that this reflects on me badly and I really couldn't give a shit if anybody else thinks it does. Brad, Rob and Blake have all told me they've enjoyed my comments, even once or twice cursing me for making a comment that they thought was funnier than the original article, so if they're happy for me to contribute, nobody else really has any reason to comment on it.

    You, on the other hand, must be exceptionally proud of yourself for being a barely-literate, anonymous troll. They probably hand out awards for that kind of thing...

    Anyway, as they say, 'don't feed the trolls', so I think I'll just go back to ignoring you now.

  4. It was Rob I was commenting about

  5. Well, in that case, you're even more wrong than I originally thought, you dumb shit. Do us all a favour and fuck off, eh?

  6. If you are of the belif that this is original, intelligent and amusing, then (and forgive me for bringing myself down to your level and using your clearly limited vocabulary) it is you who is the 'dumb shit'!

  7. Ye-e-e-sss... Anyway; lightsabers not original to 'Star Wars'! Who'd-a-thunk-it?

  8. Whilst I can't help but agree with Trolly McTrolltroll's belief that Rob is just riding on the comedic ability of Blake and I...I think the real lesson here is that it's time to switch off the anonymous posting.

    It's nice we're popular enough to attract trolls, in my opinion.

  9. TROLL! Troll in the dungeon!

    Just thought you should know...

    Also, if you're going to have anything from Star Trek it needs to be the replicator. My housemate and I gazed longingly at the microwave the other day pondering over the joy that would ensue if only shouting "Jack, Diet Coke, cold" at it actually worked...