Newsfalsh! - April 2009

Welcome to Newsfalsh!, the look at the stories which may have passed you by in the news.

Presenter sorry over teeth jibe

So apparently TV pundits have been so firmly declawed by the media's counterfeit worries about being offensive that you're not even allowed to joke about somebody's teeth. I would like to point out a few things that I feel are important distinctions that need to be addressed.

Firstly, the guy actually does have horrendous teeth. It's not like she was stating a falsehood or anything. The guy's teeth are in rough shape. Besides which, she said "well, at least now you've got the money to get them done if you want". That's quite nice in my opinion, he may not have thought of that before she said anything.

Secondly, he obviously wasn't offended, as he went on to say that he could probably have them done now, but that he may be jinxing himself, perhaps thinking of his teeth as a lucky charm. They look a bit like Lucky Charms, the old breakfast cereal, in that some of them appear green.

It should incidentally be noted that the only thing this heavily sugared breakfast cereal has done to the leprachaun who loves them so much is fused his teeth into one solid mass on each gum. I'm no medical expert, but that actually seems more convenient to me.

I might also point out that the comment received only 1500 complaints. That's about 10,000 complaints short of anything interesting having happened, like nudity or guns. 1,500 complaints is the controversy equivalent of a vicar referring to the Lord as Golly by mistake. Besides which, you just KNOW that the people complaining all had royally horrendous teeth as well, possibly even sufficiently to rival our loveable Lucky Charms mascot himself.

As if all this compelling debate isn't enough to sway you that this is not actually something anybody needs to worry about, just look at the woman who made the comments. If you ever feel you genuinely have anything to fear from her, it's fairly certain that you're a cake.

'Worst song' Agadoo re-released

This article gives a clear indication of everything that is currently wrong with the UK, and indeed a large amount of what is wrong with the world. This is a subject I feel fairly strongly about, the pursuit of the utmost mediocrity that this country represents. In so many ways, we reward mediocrity rather than excellence, from our obsession with reality TV stars in trash magazines to things like this.

It's important to note that not only was this song voted the WORST SONG EVER in 2003 by a panel of music critics (meaning that subjective opinion can't even be used as an argument to dismiss it nearly as effectively as if it was just one person's opinion), it wasn't even number 1 in the charts when it was released. It was a failure then, even by its contemporary fans in 1984.

What is it about this country that makes us so desperate for nostalgia that we'll even take the dregs? Perhaps nostalgia offers some sort of 'rose-coloured glasses' mentality. Maybe we're desperate for older stuff because newer stuff is shit. Either way, if you end up owning a copy of this re-released abomination, consider yourself mentally bereft.

I'm now just baiting my breath for Timmy Mallett's lifetime achievement award from the NME in 2010. I suppose it's a relief that even after 25 years, I feel like Black Lace have been mentioned to me fewer times than half the dross plugged to death by the music press year after year.

Pet Shop Boys reject Peta request

This is the story that the Pet Shop Boys were formally approached by PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) - I've always wondered about this; Why is it People, and not some sort of organisation or society? Can they be bothered to organise themselves? THERE ARE KITTENS' LIVES AT STAKE DAMNIT!!

Besides that, how the hell can they justify changing band names to something a bit like them?What's next, Dexy's 12a.m Runners? Svelte Lizzy? Cyan Oyster Cult?

And finally, a few headlines that caught my eye while browsing for the stories you enjoy...

"High-speed sex costly in Norway"

That probably means I could make a killing in Scandinavia...

"Cliff death man 'posed for photo'"

Unfortunately, they don't make a camera with a high enough shutter speed to counteract gravity.

"One dead in pie factory explosion"

They reckon it was Mr Creosote from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life.