Wednesday 29 April 2009

Video Game Reviews

Brad Harmer’s job on this site is to review albums. Due to his intense laziness, he usually does this without listening to the album, and just goes on the cover artwork. We’re not really sure what Robert Wade’s job is on this site, but he talks about computer games a lot.
Can you imagine what would happen if Brad and Rob worked together?
Little King Story
Rob: I like this cover; he's got a face like an all-knowing pimp-type character.
Brad: It's not a million miles from some Gangsta Rap albums I've seen. "Sorry, but yo' Princess is in another castle...bitch.".
Rob: I reckon the girl on the right is his trophy 'ho'.
Brad: See, my first instinct was that this was obviously a Shining Force-esque RPG...but it's just too cutesy for that. I can't pin this down to a genre.
Rob: I reckon it's one of those strategy games like Populous, simplified down with a vague storyline.
Brad: Populous is a massively underrated game. They tried re-making it as Black And White, but unfortunately, that was more a collection of patches that came with a free game.
Rob: It's by Rising Star Games, they're pretty cool. They published a game called No More Heroes with lightsabers in it.
Brad: When should they expect the lawsuit from LucasArts?
Rob: They were careful, they called it a Beam Katana and made it rechargeable rather than a continuous stream.
Brad: Age 7+...that's practically offensive for a Nintendo game.
Rob: It probably says "Cunt" once or twice then.
Brad: That would be great. There are some really dumb guidelines like that for BBFC certifications; like you’re allowed one swear word before it bumps to a PG. Technically Mean Girls could have made reference to Lindsay Lohan being an "attention seeking cuntbag" and had the rating unaffected.
Rob: What's the equivalent of "Cunt" for 7 up?
Brad: "Fanta". What's your rating for Little King's Story?
Rob: I'll give it a 6.
Brad: 8/10 from me.
Rob: Why 8?
Brad: I don't make the rules. I just roll the d10.

World of Subways Volume 2: U7-Berlin

Rob: Okay, what the fuck?
Brad: Well, it's kind-of like a dice only it has ten sid...
Rob: This fucking game has a scoring system?
Brad: Oh, right. I know. Don't we just get the sweetest games to review? How much simulation can you get for a vehicle that can only go forward and back?
Rob: This game features "Intelligent and custom announcements”? "The train is late."... "The train's here."... "Get on the fucking train.". I kind of actually want to play this game, just to see if it's as hilariously bad as it seems.
Brad: It's the listing of "Compatible with Rail Driver Cab Controller" as a feature that really tells you about their target market. I can picture this fat dude hunched over a laptop in his Mum's basement, a half-eaten hoagie resting on a greasy thigh as he slowly eases the train out of the station...then goes straight online to complain about the response time on the GF22 peripheral as opposed to the GC28.
Rob: The guy's probably masturbating furiously as well, don't forget that.
Brad: With a niche market like this, plus Internet access, I had figured that that was a given.
I bet he's a Eurogamer as well. They're all closet paedophiles
Rob: "Free movement in the tunnels and on the track"? It's one fucking subway line. It's like having World of Subways 2: Volume 8: Jubilee Line.
Brad: You know what would make a better game? World of Subways: Steak & Cheese. The terrifying thing is that this is "Volume 2", indicating not only that the previous game was successful enough to justify a sequel, but also that there is the hope of more instalments to follow.
Rob: I dare say it doesn't have the user base of The Sims.
Brad: "Simulation of wear and tear caused by style of operation (can be selected via options)". You can't deny that this is going to be a fucking detailed simulation. Just don't buy a second hand copy. It will have semen on it.
Rob: Oh, definitely. It's not the detail I’m quibbling, it's everything else. Jesus, the specifications on this game are ridiculously high. Having said that, the type of person that has a high-spec PC is probably their demographic target. Because they're not spending money on trying to get laid.
Brad: Or moving out of their Mum's basement. Or indeed spending money on anything other than these games, Subway Driver Monthly, Agricola and child porn.
Rob: This game represents a level of commitment to transportation infrastructure that I've been unable to make, can we review it and move on so I can stop feeling guilty?
Brad: I'm not rolling my dice for this one. I think it deserves a ten. If this thing is your bag - you should own this game. Let's face it, you aren't going to find a better simulation.
Rob: Yeah, that's a sound argument...But it's not my bag, so 3.

Russel Grant Astrology

Brad: Good old Nintendo.
Rob: No fucking way. How does that work? Aren't horoscopes an ever-changing invented dynamic?
Brad: Well, kind-of, I guess. All you have to do it predict where the stars will be for next five-years or so, and it's as good as any prediction book. And bar a solar flare or attack from the Yuuzhan-Vong, I think it'd be fairly kosher.
Rob: Can you imagine the relationship horoscopes? "If you have a relationship, bearing in mind you spent 4 hours 'playing' this yesterday, it's not going well!". "Three addictive minigames based on astrology"
Brad: To be fair, there is a lack of mini-games on Nintendo systems. Sorry, did I say "lack"? I meant "plague". Getting Baron Harkonnen to pose for the cover was a strange choice. Score?
Rob: I see....a 4
Brad: 2


Rob: "Unlimited play". Isn't this technically a screensaver?
Brad: I can't decide if "FishDom" is either: a) a fetish thing, where either you get fishes all dolled up in gimpsuits, spanking them, making them pee themselves and so on... b) a fetish thing, where you get all dressed up as a fish and get a woman to put you in a gimpsuit, spank you, make you pee yourself and so on, or c) an enlightened state of being.
Rob: With a short memory.
Brad: "Loads of levels of puzzle fun"..."Hey Gary, how many levels did we put in this thing?" "I don’t know...loads, I guess...” The cover promises "A Finn-tastic game full of fishy fun!” If I was from Finland, I would find that offensive. The scary thing is that some people will buy this game.
Rob: Even scarier is that some of those people won't also buy Dawn of War II. See, this game has technical specifications that fit better with my idea of how this game sounds.
Brad: Windows 98 as a minimum requirement? Hilarious!
Rob: I find the concept of upgrading fish-tanks confusing.
Brad: Score for this one?
Rob: I'm going to go with 5, because anything that doesn't need Vista is a bonus.
Brad: Five here, too.

Pool Hall Pro

Rob: Well, it's functional, does all the basics of a cover. There are balls, pockets and part of a cue.
Brad: This game lets me earn cash and pimp out my crib. You know why I like that? Because it's the first time ever that a video game adaptation of pool will let me do something that real life pool can't.
Rob: Only because you're shit at pool.
Brad: But of course! I play video games of things I'm shit at. I can't play guitar that well, but I can play Guitar Hero. I can't run and tackle, but I can play Madden. I can't ice skate but I'm leading the fucking Maple Leafs to victory on NHL09. Explain to me what the fucking point of playing a video game of something you already do in real life would be? Who wants to play Let's Go Grocery Shopping? GTA: Parallel Parking? Imagine: The Ironing? The sad thing is that all of those three look perfectly at home in the Nintendo release schedule.
Rob: You know that Shopping Mama is coming, you just know it. There is a GTA game for DS, it's apparently rather good.
Brad: How much violence had to be cut out before Nintendo would give it its Seal of Wuss?
Rob: I have no idea.
Brad: Back to my point about pool games. I have never understood the appeal of them. All of the effort spent on learning to play them could lead to a similar achievement in real life pool with a 1:1 ratio. That's not like Madden where you can do a month's worth of training in five minutes.
Rob: Especially on Wii, as the controls are unique and innovative. Just like all Wii games.
Brad: I think that all pinball video games suffer from the same problem. On a related note, have you ever considered changing your name to Mitth'raw'nuruodo?
Rob: More than once. I figured I'd give it a go on Facebook, see if it sticks.
Brad: Cool.

Hysteria Hospital Emergency Ward

Brad: I'm not sure what's more disturbing. The fact that the patient has his foot stuck in a fishbowl, or the fact that he also appears to have faeces smeared across his mouth. The guy in the bottom right seems to be laughing at the purchaser of this game.
Rob: I think he's behind it personally
Brad: Still, nice to see Gillian Anderson working again.
Rob: "Each of the patients have humorous conditions". Yeah, that's a well known distinction in medical circles.
Brad: "I've good news, Mr Philips. The results are back, and your tumour is hilarious."
Rob: Malignant, Benign or slapstick?
Brad: Laughter is the best medicine, I guess. Unless you're Jade Goody. 'Cause I laughed fucking hard, and it didn't help anyway. There are a lot of colons turning up in games. It always makes them look hopeful for a franchise. Like Hysteria Hospital: Emergency Ward is going to lead to Hysteria Hospital: Maternity Ward and Hysteria Hospital: Colonoscopy Chaos.
Rob: I personally can't wait for Hysteria Care Home. This is due out on DS also.
Brad: Don't say that too loud. Imagine: Old Lady's Ass Wiper is only a few months away. With Imagine: Catheter Cleaner to follow.
Rob: Ouch. That'd fit the DS and Wii controls though.
Brad: So many Wii games come up with the controls first and then they build a shitty collection of mini-games around it. I'm still waiting for everyone to realise how shitty the Wii is.
Rob: It'll be a while, people seem to like it.
Brad: Because "Popular" means the same thing as "Good". Score?
Rob: I'm gonna go with a 5
Brad: 9.
Rob: 9? Seriously?
Brad: Yeah.
Rob: Are you mental? I suppose it fits actually. Never mind.

Brad: It's time for a new section: Peripheral Corner!

JOG: The Body Motion Controller

Rob: I don't even understand what this does.
Brad: Well, that's my point. Here're its features: When you move... your game character moves. Add-on controller that detects body motion...
Rob: Wait...
Brad: Compatible with existing Wii games... Plugs straight into your existing Wii Remote and Nunchuk.
Rob: I'm sceptical of this whole shebang.
Brad: ... Simple operation combines fitness and fun... Basically, that has just described a standard Wii controller, hasn't it? I don't understand what this is actually adding to the proceedings.
Rob: No, me neither.
Brad: So...I don't get it. Why would you pay £29.99 for something that does nothing? Unless you're already dumb enough to have bought a Wii, I guess. Then you'll buy anything. I'm not even rolling for this. It's a 1 from me.
Rob: I'm going to give it a 1 as well, I think. I have proof that not all terrible peripheral ideas are on Wii. Would you like to see?
Brad: Sure. Go for it.

CH Throttle Quadrant

Brad: Yeah, Flight Simulator geeks have a rank somewhere just below people who play the Star Trek RPG.
Rob: Do you reckon, like the subway game, they have different routes and airlines?
Brad: "Compatible with all Windows based games". Does that include MineSweeper?
Rob: Presumably. I'd be interested to see how Spider Solitaire works.
Brad: I still can't play that game. I think you have to be a Dad to be able to play it.
Rob: Some sort of elderly relative at least...
Brad: "Now, gamers and pilots alike can experience the most realistic simulated flight control available". I'm fairly sure the words "and pilots alike" are irrelevant in that sentence. This is only £159.99. Bargain.
Rob: Compared to what? Starting an airline?
Brad: I'm not convinced the peripheral should ever cost more that the game.
Rob: Sadly, I suspect there are some versions of flight simulators which work out more expensive.

Xploder Parental GameLock

Brad: ...
Rob: ...
Brad: ...
Rob: ...
Brad: ...
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Brad: ...
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Brad: ...
Rob: ...
Brad: I'm trying to come up with a Josef Fritzl joke, are you?
Rob: Unsuccessfully, yeah.


  1. While I realise this is a comedy blog and that slating the Wii is something of a running gag here, I can't help but feel that anybody who compares the Wii with other games consoles is totally missing the point of the Wii.

    The Wii isn't trying to compete with the Xbox360waystodie or the PSwhateverthefucknumberthey'reuptothisweek any more than Monopoly or Scrabble are.

    Basically, the Wii is a games console for people who fucking hate games consoles; a role it fills remarkably well... yet none of you people who actually LIKE games consoles will ever understand.

    Unlike the sad, lonely life of an Xboxer or a Playstationer (spending countless hours, no, DAYS, completely alone blasting away at thousands of admittedly wonderfully rendered zombies because that's the closest they will ever come to actual human interaction) the Wii is best enjoyed with a group of friends, preferably while under the influence of alcohol (or other narcotic of choice). It's a SOCIAL ACTIVITY.

    You see, what hardcore computer gamers don't realise is, while they are laughing so hard at Wii users, THE REST OF THE WORLD is laughing even harder at the hardcore computer gamers for their total inability to grasp the irony.

    Wake up, HCGs!
    'Xbox/PS3/T1000 vs. Wii' is the same as 'living-in-your-mum's-basement-pretending-to-be-a-hot-teenage-girl-in-a-chatroom vs. actually-having-sex-with-a-real-person'.

    But I guess that's not what being 'emotionally fourteen' is all about, is it?

  2. I'm gonna let Brad handle this one, purely because it's his problem with the Wii, not mine. ;-)

  3. Just when I think I couldn't get my tongue any further into my cheek, somebody always goes and takes me seriously... it never fails.