Friday, 23 April 2010

Dickass DM

Remember good, old-fashioned gamebooks? They promised all the fun of a role-playing game, with none of the social interaction - what more could an teenage boy desire? The thing is, that while the gamebook became a great gaming experience in its own right, the only RPG it could possibly have simulated was one being GM'd by Satan himself. 90% of decisions led to certain death, and combat was often fatal.

Satan wasn't available, so Brad will be GMing Rob through an RPG based on the classic Steve Jackson Fighting Fantasy gamebook Appointment With F.E.A.R..

Brad is the GM, and Rob plays his character, Trent Foster AKA The Silver Braggart.

Previously on Dickass DM: Trent Foster AKA The Silver Braggart must find the location and time of the secret meeting of F.E.A.R (Federation of Euro-Americal Rebels). So far he has no real clues, but has picked up some dog poop, kicked some abused animals to death and tasered a nine year-old boy into unconciousness. Whilst in Cowfield Dairy, he has run into "Chainsaw" Bronksi, who is wielding a battery-powered electric knife...

Read Part One
Here

Combat:
Bronski:
Well, Silver Crusader, looks like we may have to cut this meeting a little short, hahah!

You block a blow from his knife and punch him in the nipple.

Silver Braggart: Well, "Chainsaw", I thought you'd be a little more intimidating with your name and all. Looks like you should be called "Swiss Army Bitch Bronski".
Bronski: After this I'm going to go stab your wife. In the foo. With my penis.

You headbutt him in the stomach in a really convoluted and retarded way.

Silver Braggart: With that little thing? I think she'd just laugh.
Bronski: Talking about yourself again.
Silver Braggart: Aren't you going to swing that little craft knife around?

With a cock punch you knock him out cold.

Silver Braggart: Ha! Looks like your teeth have all fallen out, Chainsaw!

Brad: You take the murderer to police headquarters. On the way he pleads with you not to take him in. He even gives you some useful information. Apparently The Serpent has been spurned by his actress girlfriend, Lola Manche.

Silver Braggart: I might bang her.

Brad: She is famous for her quote: "I don't want to be a star; I just want to be an ordinary girl!".

Silver Braggart: I can definitely bang her.

Brad: She always takes the poorest of dressing-rooms and has deciced to give up her life of decadence as The Serpent's girl. He has sworn that, by hook or by crook, she will return to him. Of course, you will not give way to deals with criminals. You hand Bronski over to a surprised sergeant at the desk and leave.

Silver Braggart: What? I said I was bringing in a Chainsaw.

Brad: You must start thinking about getting back to work. Outside it is starting to rain. Just your luck! You change back into street clothes and get a move on. You are late for work again!
Rob: I'm going to get fired at this rate.
Brad: This is why most superhero alter-egos are self-employed. Think about it. You turn the corner onto Clark Street and stop as you pass Harrold's Department Store. A thought has crossed your mind: you could stop and buy your boss a present of some kind to apologise for being late. But then this would make you even later. Is it worth it?
Rob: Nah. Go to work.
Brad: Exactly, who buys presents for their boss? I hate every boss I've ever had, don't you?
Rob: Not every one. Almost all.
Brad: I hate you and I never even worked for you.

McSpindle: Foster! Get in here at once!

Brad: No sooner had you stepped through the office door than Eugene McSpindle's booming voice summoned you. You creep into his office, mumbling scanty excuses for being late yet again.

McSpindle: Enough! What do you think we are running here? A charity?

Brad: Why do people say that? Do charities not work office hours or something?
Rob: I don't know.

McSpindle: Do you suppose I should be grateful that you even grace us with your presence?
Trent Foster: Well, frankly...Never mind.
McSpindle: Very noble of you indeed to bother coming in at all! Well, I'll tell you what! I'm feeling kind today. You can have the rest of the day off. Without pay! And if you're not in first thing tomorrow morning, you can start looking for another job!

Brad: You slink out of his office with your tail between your legs. How can you tell him what you've been doing?
Rob: Limerick?

There once was a man from the city...
Whose super-secret suit was so pretty...
He did have a job,
But his boss was a knob,
And the pay, being frank, was shitty.

Trent Foster: Well, the main thing is that I didn't kill that child.

Brad: And now you've been suspended for a day. Where will you go?

Trent Foster: Maybe I'll learn to crochet!

Brad: You could head to Wisneyland, the Copyright Infringiest Place on Earth? Or go home, and chill out, with the intention of getting into work really early tomorrow.
Rob: Wisneyland? I don't remember seeing that before.
Brad: Don't worry. You're not going mental. This is the first mention of Wisneyland.
Rob: "Rob, you've been suspended for a day, what are you going to do now?!"
"I'm going to Wisneyworld!"
That sort of thing?



Brad: The Cease and Desistiest Place on Earth. Is that your choice? You've been suspended from work without pay for a day, so you're going to go and piss a week's wages up Ricky Mouse's wall?
Rob: Is it even a choice?
Brad: Yeah, I gave you two optio...you know, what? Fuck it. Let's go to Wisneyland.
Rob: Awesome.
Brad: Wisneyland is swarming with holiday-makers enjoying their day out at the amusement park. The smell of candy floss and hot dogs hangs in the air and, as you stroll about, youngsters clutching stuffed animals run laughing past you.
Rob: Reflex Clothesline!
Brad: I am so glad I'm not the only one who does that.
Rob: It's so satisfying.
Brad: It's why I'm banned from no less than four Pizza Huts.
Rob: Four? Pussy. I'm banned from every single SeaLife Centre.
Brad: Screams of delight from roller-coaster riders turning through the corkscrew break through the general hubbub. You are going to enjoy yourself today. What do you want to visit first?
Rob: The Fun House! Whole lot of fun...prizes to be won...
Brad: You pay the admission charge and enter the fun house. You walk along a narrow passageway. As you turn a dark corner, a luminous skeleton appears in front of you, shrieking wildly!
Rob: Reflex Pant-Soiling!
Brad: We're back in the Vault of the Vampire. Again. You reflexively soil your pants, and then laugh; just one of the scares of the Fun House.
Rob: Reflex Derisive Laugh!
Brad: Further down the passage, your feet stumble on a wobbly floor. You are the least dextrous superhero ever. Then the walls begin to sway. Suddenly, your foot steps on something and you fall forwards. But this time it is not a wobbly floor; you fall through the ground and land on a rubber mattress in a dark pit. Although it is pitch-black, you can tell that you are not alone. Another figure touches you!
Rob: Reflex Testicle-Protect!
Brad: A voice calls out and you answer.

Man's Voice: Oh, thank God someone else is here!
Trent Foster: Greetings, Simpleton!
Man's Voice: I've been here for two hours! I can't find a way out. And not only that, my wallet is gone! I'm sure it has been stolen.
Trent Foster: What wallet? Want an ice cream?
Man's Voice: And I don't think this was any accident. My name is Grant Morley, a reporter on the Titan Times. I have been covering an expose to reveal the identity of The Scarlet Prankster. Earlier I met an informant at the Big Wheel who gave me a key to one of the rooms here where he thought I could get some useful information. That key was in my wallet!

Brad: You consider the situation.



Trent Foster: Hmmmm...

Brad: The Scarlet Prankster is a dangerous criminal who delights in grisly practical jokes. And is not to be associated with any DC characters.
Rob: Or historical figures.
Brad: Or lead characters in Gone With The Wind. You decide to change into the Silver Braggart under cover of the pitch-blackness. Then the two of you search the walls for a way out. You find a hidden door which lets you into the main room of the fun house. With a miniature Sensor Scanner (from your utility belt), you examine the man's pocket for clues. The scanner indicates some flakes of skin from a hand that was not his own. Something strange is going on here!

Silver Braggart: How fucking often do you wash out your trousers, you sick fuck?

Brad: Where do you want to begin your investigations? The Fun House's main attractions are buzzing with people, although most are now staring at you with open eyes. As opposed to closed eyes. Obviously.
Rob: Hmmm...What would Batman do? For the sake of argument.
Rob: I'll examine The Rotating Room. Let's see if we can turn this caper around. A-ha.
Brad: Ha. The Rotating Room is a huge barrel on its side which tumbles over and over. The people inside try desperately to walk forward at the same speed as it rotates in order to keep their footing; walking too fast or too slow means they fall over. That sounds like a torture implement.
Rob: Yeah, it does really.
Brad: There are three people inside as you enter and they are happy to leave at your request. Keeping your footing, you examine the inside and find a delicate key which has become stuck to the surface in a piece of chewing-gum. You decide to take it for examination.
Rob: Hunh, that was easy.
Brad: You take the key outside the room and find Grant Morley. But he shakes his head, telling you it is not his key.

Silver Braggart: It is now.


Brad: You leave the Fun House puzzling over your find, but your questions are answered when you see a young boy crying by his bicycle outside. He has lost the key to the padlock.
Silver Braggart: Of course! I had forgotten there is more than one key in the world! Morley! Give this kid that key I gave you, his cries are piercing my ear drums!
Brad: You hand it over to him. I love how your character gives up on everything really, really easily.
"There's a supervillain on the premises! He took my key, and I know he's up to something!"
"Is this your key?"
"No."
"Close enough. I'm going to the bar."
"But the Supervillain is stil..."
"I said "bar"."
Where are you heading as you leave Wisneyland?
Silver Braggart: One ride's enough. I'm spent.
Rob: Is there a gift shop?
Brad: Not one mentioned, but, yeah, probably.
Rob: I go and hang out down town. Things will be great when I'm downtown...
Brad: Strolling downtown, you stop first at the bank to get some cash. Next stop is a pizza parlour for a bite to eat. Strolling downtown, you stop first at the bank to get some cash. Next stop is a pizza parlour for a bite to eat. You take a stool facing out across Banner Street and watch the shoppers passing as you eat your pizza. On the far side of the road is a man you recognise.
Rob: Hulk Hogan?
Brad: It is Drew Swain, a retired millionaire who made his fortune manufacturing the collection tins used by charities. He steps into a baker's shop; when he comes out, something strange happens.
Rob: Shawn Michaels comes flying out?
Brad: He takes a step forward and suddenly freezes, held like a statue in an off-balance pose. A blue van draws up and obscures your view. When the van drives off, Swain is gone!
Trent Foster: Hunh. That was bizar....oh, this crust is to die for!
Brad: You saw it with your own eyes! But it happened so quickly that you are now a long way behind the kidnappers. Will you nip to the crapper in the back of the shop and change costume?
Rob: I'll Go Hero and ask questions at the bakery.
Brad: "Did you notice anything suspicious?"
"No, he ju..."
"Good enough. I've got pizza to finish."
You rush into the bakery and ask questions about their latest customer. But it seems there was nothing unusual about him.
Silver Braggart: Quickly dammit, my garlic bread is drying out!
Brad: He bought a loaf of wholemeal bread and two custard tarts.
Rob: ...is that in the book?
Brad: The bread and tarts?
Rob: Yeah.
Brad: Yep. The staff don't know anything more about him. You go outside to the scene of the crime, and see if there are any other clues to be had. Outside you find a single clue to the kidnapping - a metal slug with the letter "M" engraved in it. Man, I really want to play Metal Slug now...
Rob: To be fair dude, you usually do.
Brad: This means nothing to you. You hand it to the police, and let them take over.
Seriously. You are the worst superhero ever. Including Daredevil.
Rob: Come on man, he sucks!
Brad: You resume your shopping tour downtown. Will you make for "Verging Records" to go and have a look at what new albums have come out recently, or will you have a look in the window of Epiphany's, the famous jeweller's?
Rob: I'll go to the record shop. Maybe it's like the one in High Fidelity. Or that other film about a record shop. What's it called? The one with Liv Tyler.
Brad: Empire Records?
Rob: The Lord of the Rings! The Two Tower Records.
Brad: Only one minute sixteen seconds of Empire Records is worth watching.
Rob: Which bit is that again?



Brad: You find there is a new Michael Blackson album called Willer, all about spooks and ghouls, and you decide to buy it. That's genuinely, word for word, in the book.
Rob: You're joking.
Brad: Nope. You know me. I never take credit for a gag that isn't mine. And never deny credit for a bad one that is.
Rob: True enough.
Brad: You go straight home to listen to it. This city presumably lies on the border between Fairuseland, and Copyrightinfringia.
Rob: I'm surprised I didn't download the album on meTunes.
Brad: Next morning you leave for work early. You are sorely tempted to leave your Crimewatch behind; you dare not miss another day's work! But your fears are unwarranted.
To your utter amazement, your Crimewatch is silent. You arrive at work early. Eugene McSpindle cannot believe his eyes when he enters the office to find you hard at work at your desk.
Rob: I flip him off.
Brad: At lunch-time you catch up on the day's news on the teletext TV. Jesus, I hope later editions of this book have updated that.
Rob: "At noon-song, you stand in the square to hear the town-cryer.."
Brad: Two stories catch your attention. One is of a strange attack in Audubon Park. A woman has been seriously mauled by what she calls "a monster", but a specialist at the hospital thinks the claw-marks of an animal of some kind.
Rob: "Yeah...an animal of...some kind. Like a Wolf. Or a parakeet."
Brad: The second story is of a man who had his chest crushed in the grounds of the Natural History Museum. There are no clues as to who or what was responsible. It is as if whatever caused the man's death simply walked away. Presumably dabbing entrails across the parquet flooring.
Rob: Presumably.
Brad: Both incidents are being investigated by the police. You decide to do a little invesigation of your own. You change into the Silver Braggart and head off to make your trademark half-hearted enquiries.
"People dead, huh? Yeah, that sucks. Pringle?"
Rob: You laugh now...I head to The Natural History Museum.

Silver Braggart: I like my enemies dusty.


Brad: The curator of the Natural History Museum is very helpful and agrees to show you around the exhibits.
Silver Braggart: A tour? I really don't have time for...ooh, are those neanderthals?
Brad: The curator takes you round the stuffed exhibits. Gorillas, rhinos, great cats, even a whale - they are all there and you examine them with interest. Two in particular catch your attention. One of the tigers has dried blood on its claws, but there is no way of knowing whether the blood is human or animal, or even how long it has been there. Also, the curator tells you that the elephant was moved into the ground-floor private exhibit rooms yesterday for cleaning.
Rob: Investigate them exhibits.
Brad: You sound like you've got a hunch going on there...
Rob: Nah, it's just the way I walk when I'm sleuthing.
Brad: The curator is mildly amused at your suggestion that his stuffed animals could have anything to do with the killings.
Curator: I see...(sarcastic) The elephant stepped off his pedastal and told his cleaners, "Excuse me, won't you. I'm just off for a stroll round the grounds.". And you think the tiger somehow passed right through its glass case, came downstairs - through the crowds, who didn't notice anything odd - left for a morning in Audubon Park and then returned at lunch time? I thought you superhero-types were supposed to be bright...
Silver Braggart: Am I in my costume? Oh...yeah, I'm so drunk...
Brad: You feel a bit foolish for even suggesting. You decide to leave.
Rob: Lets's the zoo instead, then.
Brad: When you arrive at the zoo gates, you question the attendant, asking whether there have been any reports of animals escaping from their cages over the last couple of days. The attendant is obviously excited to see you.
Attendant: Gosh. Hi, Braggart!
Silver Braggart: "Gosh"? What are you, five? Say "fuck".
TO BE CONTINUED...


Young Sadwick lives in a beautiful but perilous fantasy world with his brother, grandpa and pet sidekick Spot. Together they roam these mystical lands with their circus. Sadwick, known as Sad to friends and family, is a twelve year old boy with a melancholic vein.

Sad would like nothing more than to set out and explore the world, but his family is holding him back. One night a strange blue creature appears to him in his dreams, abruptly changing his life.

Many dangers await Sadwick, for the world he knows is doomed to crumble and fall.

In classic point & click tradition, gamers steer Sadwick and his companion Spot through the game. Little Spot never leaves Sadwick’s side and is integral to solving many puzzles. He can take on many different forms throughout the game, which the player can pick and choose at will, once they have been learned.

Hand-painted backgrounds filled with animated details and lovingly crafted characters in the style of classic animated movies like Spirited Away bring the story to life. The Whispered World mixes fairy-tale elements with melancholic tones to create a tale of epic proportions.

Thanks to our friends at Deep Silver and Koch Media, we've got three copies of The Whispered World on PC and The Whispered World OST to give away! For your chance of winning one, send us an e-mail to mailto:whisperedworldgiveaway@yahoo.co.uk%20thethe first three names drawn out of the electronic hat will win a copy of the game and soundtrack!

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