Wednesday 21 April 2010

Living With 8AMS

Does something seem a little different this morning? Perhaps you have a pack of cigarettes in your pocket despite never having smoked in your life. Maybe the pocket you found them in is in a pair of dark blue jeans, or perhaps a brown leather jacket that you’ve never seen before. Does every radio station seem strangely saxophone heavy? Has someone close to you been gunned down or exploded in a motorboat incident? Is someone perhaps retiring soon? If so, don’t panic.

The fact is that 80s Action Movie Syndrome (which some sufferers refer to as "8AMS", or “Another lousy day”) affects one in a hundred people at some point in their life. The effects are relatively short term, lasting perhaps a week at most, although it can be a relatively disorienting condition.

For reasons unknown, 8AMS strikes most often at Christmas time, which can be particularly trying for families with young children, or those held hostage in a skyscraper.

Dealing with your symptoms:

A desire to travel everywhere by ventilation duct
Many sufferers feel the need to crawl through ventilation ducts, even if to do so is a) unnecessary, or b) physically impossible. If you feel the need to crawl through a duct, stop and ask yourself “Is this really necessary?” and “How many big spinny fans will be in there?”.

Gun reliance
Some people find themselves somewhat “gun happy”, and are unable to have even the most normal of conversations unless at least one of the party has a gun pointed at someone’s head.

You may find yourself at the shooting range more often than you used to. And never have to reload.

A terrible phobia of car keys
Many sufferers find they are unable to use, touch or sometimes even be in the same room as car keys. This often requires them to hotwire every vehicle they want to drive, even their own.

A tendency to roll everywhere
Just stop and ask yourself: “Do I need to roll over to the coffee machine, or can I just walk?”.

Women who wear their hair up may notice that it has come down by the end of their affliction. Those who wore glasses before may no longer need them. Again, this is normal.

Living with 8AMS

The important thing to do is to remain calm, and be aware of your surroundings. What used to be just a window, you may now think of as a means of escape, a means of entrance, or even just something to shoot. Keep track of where your children and loved ones are, as sufferers find them easily kidnapped.

Places to avoid:
Bars where bikers and people with torn off shirts like to play pool.
Construction sites.
Mysterious islands occupied by small armies.
Steam and flame factories full of catwalks and steel pillars.

You may find it beneficial to have a “buddy” who can offer advice, or at least provide covering fire.

Above all, remember that the prognosis is usually good, and 80s Action Movie Syndrome has a 90% per cent survival rate, with 50% of those not only leading to a full recovery, but also to the exposure of a cocaine smuggling ring.


  1. "Mysterious islands occupied by small armies"... Ireland?

  2. Frickin' hilarious, Brad!

    (Hang on! 'Frickin''? Oh, god... I think I may be suffering with something worse than '80s Action Movie Syndrome: CENSORED TELEVISION VERSION OF '80S ACTION MOVIE SYNDROME!)