Friday 8 January 2010

Shitty Box Art Round-Up

Winter Sports 2010: The Great Tournament

Brad: She has got to be fucking freezing.
Rob: Have the bobsleigh people at the back just ploughed into the one poor sod at the front?
Brad: You see the guy on the right?
Rob: The one with the gun?
Brad: Yeah. Do you know what he hasn't considered?
Rob: I have a feeling I'm about to.
Brad: Recoil. Seriously, that's got to be a major factor in the biathlon. How do you fire a rifle, on skis?
Rob: I didn't think they were still wearing the skis when they did the shooting.
Brad: You know, I think I had this game on the Amiga.
Rob: The 2010 edition? Really?
Brad: Nah, I think it was 1992. I'm willing to bet it's practically the same game, though. Although, thinking about it, I think mine actually had the Olympic licence that this one so pitifully craves.
Rob: Is that ice skater dragging the skier through the air?
Brad: One of his skis is a snowboard.
Rob: That's an uncomfortable angle.
Brad: I think what we're saying here is that this graphic design work is somewhat "crowded". Score?
Rob: Yeah, the SmackDown! effect. 5/10
Brad: Angle's not on SmackDown!. He's on iMPACT. 6/10

Time Machine: Trapped In Time

Rob: Is that the London Eye?
Brad: "Want to come up to the roof and see what I made?"
"Uh, yeah, sure..."
"Look! It's a Time Machine! I made it! What do you think?"
"I think we're going to have a hard time contacting Batman with it now, Jim."
Rob: Hah!
Brad: "Find the pieces of the time machine and restore the time-space continuum!" This appears to be a game based around finding small objects. Do they make those Rob? Huh, do they? Do they? Do they really make those? Really? Huh? Really?
Brad: They do?
Rob: Yeah...
Brad: How do you become trapped in time? Surely if you just wait around a bit, you're no longer trapped in time?
Rob: It's the same principle as locking your keys in the car, it takes a special moment of stupidity.
Brad: Score? 1/10
Rob: 2/10
Brad: I'll try and get you a review copy.

Profiler: The Hopscotch Killer

Rob: Now this, I'll happily review. When my PC isn't dead that is.
Brad: I don't know if the readers can see this (you can click on all our pictures for a bigger image,by the way), but next to the chalk outline is, written in blood, the word "Dodgeball".
Rob: That's...strangely awesome.
Brad: "Looks like the Hopscotch Killer has struck again, boys."
"But, Chief, it says right here: "Dodgeball"!"
"Nope, definitely the Hopscotch Killer."
"But shouldn't we at le..."
"I'm not the Dodgeball Killer."
Rob: Heh.
Brad: Hey, check this out: "Find the clues and discover the identity of New York's serial killer.". I didn't know they made games like that. Did you?
Rob: Finding clues? No idea.
Brad: Score? 3/10
Rob: 4/10

Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine

Brad: I don't know what the fuck this is, but I am all over it.
Rob: I still think that my Warhammer idea would make billions.
Brad: What was your idea?
Rob: Ah, if I put it out in public domain, I can never copyright it.
Brad: You couldn't anyway, what with not working for THQ or Games Workshop.
Rob: I could find a way.
Brad: Cool. Phone me when you get there.
Rob: I shall. I've watched enough LA Law to be able to fight my own corner.
Brad: And, of course, you've played enough Warhammer 40,000 to know what you're talking about.
Rob: ...Balls.
Brad: I love everything about Warhammer 40,000 except for one thing.
Rob: Go on.
Brad: Warhammer 40,000.
Rob: ...Wait, what?
Brad: I love the setting - I think it's one of the most ingenious sci-fi settings ever. I love the monsters. I love the artwork. I love the stories. I love the characters. But the actual game itself...gradually gets worse with each edition and is a fucking money pit to play seriously. That's why I love Space Hulk, will buy the fuck out of Horus Heresy and will probably pick up one of the Warhammer 40,000 RPGs. But I won't play the main game again.
Rob: I've always been put off by the money and time necessary to invest in hobby gaming. That's probably why I've always been a video gamer. Is this Warhammer 40,000 game a hidden-object adventure game by the way? I think it'd work better as an action RPG
Brad: That could conceivably work. It seems to work for every other genre.
Rob: What, a Warhammer 40,000 hidden-object adventure game? "You found PAIN!"
Brad: Use BOLTGUN on ORK
You cannot USE PENIS on GIRL
Rob: Dude, that's a proper adventure game. A hidden-object game would be more along the lines of...Let's see...Here's the Warhammer 40k Hidden Object Adventure game:
"Well, your squad has been infiltrated by a traitor. The only way to find him out is to find 12 out of 15 innocuous objects on a pre-rendered 2D background, so you can obtain a picture of him...being a traitor."
Brad: Wow. People actually buy those games? Seriously? Who? Old people?
Rob: I guess people who are intimidated by proper games.
Brad: In what way is that more enjoyable than...anything?
Rob: I haven't been able to figure it out yet. I played one game for about ten minutes, just to see if it got any better. Then I went back to Puzzle Quest. Score?
Brad: Ballistic Skill: 4
Rob: 7/10

Sherlock Holmes Vs Jack The Ripper

Rob: The sad thing is that I would buy this game if it were cheaper.
Brad: I don't think they get much cheaper. Eighteen quid's good by my reckoning.
Rob: I would buy it on PC, and I can't afford it at the minute. Plus I have a Sherlock Holmes game backlog. Still Awakened and Nemesis to finish. Oh, and Persian Carpet, as well.
Brad: You are quite a Sherlock Holmes fan, aren't you?
Rob: I am indeed. The PC games are really good. Except Mystery of the Mummy, that one's not so good.
Brad: Is it the original books, you like or an...oh, the video games. Of course.
Rob: I've also read a large portion of the original books, and watched the Jeremy Brett TV series. And seen the new movie.
Brad: I quite liked Peter Cushing, but yeah, Brett was blatantly the best.
Rob: Richard Roxburgh is underrated, as well.
Brad: Not seen him. Anyway, what sort of game do you reckon this is?
Rob: I can tell you. It's a proper old-school point and click.
Brad: I reckon it's a hidden object game.
Rob: If it is I will lose all faith in the developer. They've done proper adventure games up until now.
Brad: Nah, I reckon they've spotted which way the market's turned, and that's what they've done.
Rob: Don't even joke about that.
Brad: You'll be there looking at Hanbury Street, trying to pick several small objects out of Annie Chapman's ravaged neck hole, so that you can complete the word puzzle "The J___s Ar_ The Men That ____ __t Be B__m__ Fo_ No____g".
Rob: Fuck, I hate the way games are going. I can see that happening.
Brad: There are board games of both Sherlock Holmes and Jack The Ripper. And a published Call of Cthulhu scenario featuring both. Just saying.
Rob: There's a Jack the Ripper board game?
There's a couple.
Rob:The Call of Cthulhu scenario I can see for both...and would play.
Brad: Score?
Rob: 8/10
Brad: 10/10 - It has Holmes and the Ripper in. It made me want a 360, and no other game has done that so far.

One of the most outrageous and unforgettable cult classics of 1980s schlock cinema, the gross-out horror-comedy Street Trash comes to DVD on Monday (11th January) as a special two-disc edition, not only completely restored and totally uncut, but also loaded with over two hours of extra features including a brand new, exclusive to the UK interview with actress Jane Arakawa (who plays Wendy in the movie) plus a comprehensive, feature-length look back at the making of the film through the eyes of the creative talents responsible for bringing this insane gore-fest to the screen. This release also comes with a reversible sleeve that gives fans the choice of displaying the movie's original UK rental video artwork or a newly commissioned piece of oil painting artwork, plus a poster of the same.

Hailed as "funny and gross and mortifying and frightening, and loaded with talent, wit and imagination on both sides of the camera" by Oscar winning director Jonathan Demme (The Silence Of The Lambs), Street Trash is an unbelievably gory and hilarious exercise in cinematic bad taste that "ranks among the debut films of George Romero, Tobe Hooper, Sam Raimi and Wes Craven" (Mad Magazine, Paris).

Prepare to witness a molten hobo holocaust as the homeless denizens of New York City's skid row and its nearby junkyards fall foul to the irresistible taste of Tenafly Viper, an alcoholic delight that brings a whole new meaning to the term "gut rot". When a local liquor store owner discovers a case of out-of-date Viper in his basement, little does he know that selling it off cheap to the bums who frequent his store will have the devastating effect of turning those who even sip the brew into a exploding and melting, Day-Glo masses of liquefied flesh and bone. And a lot of them want to sip it!

Directed by Michael J. Muro (today a prolific and highly respected Director of Photography and Steadicam Operator whose impressive list of credits includes award winning blockbusters such of Crash, Titanic, Heat and Terminator 2 to name a few) and co-written by Muro and Roy Frumkes (director of the George A. Romero documentary, Document Of The Dead), Street Trash is one movie that, prior to its release, nobody had ever seen the likes of which before, and it's highly unlikely we'll ever see anything quite like it again.

So, if you want to see a movie that plays fast and loose with graphically exploding tramps, opportunistic necrophilia and a random game of "catch" in which one unfortunate desperately tries to retrieve his severed penis, you need to look no further than Street Trash. Trust us, you won't be disappointed.

The two-disc Street Trash (cert. 18) will be released on DVD (£15.99) by Arrow Video on 11th January 2010. Special Features include: "The Meltdown Memoirs" feature; a UK exclusive interview with Jane Arakawa (Wendy).

Thanks to our friends at Arrow Video, we've got two copies of Street Trash on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning one, send us an e-mail to with your name and postal address before midday on Friday 15th January (UK time). The first two names drawn out of the electronic hat will win a copy of this awesome movie!

1 comment:

  1. £4 for a brush? Please tell me you didn't actually fork out for Games Workshop brushes! Their slogan should have been 'They're not as good as regular brushes, but we put our name on them so we're going to charge you twice as much!'