Friday 4 December 2009

Music Reviews: Christmas Special

The Reggae Christmas Collection
Various Artists

Rob: I like Rasta Snowman. He's awesome.
Brad: Reggae brings me out in smacks. I can't explain why. Of course, most Chrismas songs bring me out in headbutts, so this probably wouldn't be a good gift for me.
Rob: Right, I'll cancel that then.
Brad: Hah! It's £2.99! That must be cheaper on CD than MP3, surely?
Rob: Probably, especially as iTunes is 79p a track
Brad: Track one is Christmas Medley Part One, and Track 20 is Christmas Medley Part Two.
Rob: That's an interesting order. Much like that time I watched Attack of the Clones followed immediately by Jedi.
Brad: I'd like to believe that tracks 2 - 19 are all also in the medley. Just to really drive the festive fun home. Score?
Rob: 6/10, Rasta Snowman is awesome.
Brad: 30/10, because I picked up the wrong d10.

Christmas Songs
Diana Krall

Brad: I like this, because it must be the least festive christmas cover ever. There's no zig-zag jumper, no santa suit, no reindeer...not even a glowing hearth. Unless she's so blasted on egg-nog that she can't sit up straight, there's no Xmas connection at all.
Rob: I wonder why Play won't allow you to enlarge this cover. Have you seen some of these track names? "Count your blessings instead of sheep" - Yeah, because there are more likely to be blessings in a fucking field!
Brad: What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?
Rob: I dunno yet. Certainly not Diana Krall, I wouldn't have thought.
Brad: No, that's the name of the last track - What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?. What is a Diana Krall, anyway? Sounds Star Trekky.
Rob: I don't know to be honest. I've only heard her name once or twice. I think she's a Emmylou Harris type singer.
Brad: Is she fit?
Rob: Yeah, not bad
Brad: Wikipedia's photo makes her look a bit like a distressed librarian.
Rob: You say that, but I've seen a few all right looking librarians.
Brad: I've never studied one for any length of time.
Rob: Well, I can't read, so obviously I have precious little else to do in a library.
Brad: Hunh. On closer inspection, I'd do her - but I wouldn't brag about it. A bit like Juliette Lewis.
Rob: I'd tell everyone if you did
Brad: Fine. Score?
Rob: For some reason I just got Juliette Lewis confused with Julianne Moore in my head. 3/10
Brad: 70/10

The Lancashire Hotpot's Christmas Cracker
The Lancashire Hotpots

Brad: Is that Ronnie Corbett on the right? I think we should bring out a Christmas album, you know.
Rob: What...songs...would we put on it?
Brad: Dorky This Christmas?
Rob: D10s Rolling So We Open Fire?
Brad: Grandma Got Run Over By A Warthog. Huh...if the reader hasn't played Halo, that's just going to sound really surreal.
Rob: All I Want For Christmas Is God of War 3? Anyway, back to the cover...Has the guy on the left had a christmas cracker surgically grafted to his neck? If so, why is he so happy about Ronnie Corbett ripping his neck out?
Brad: It's the shittiest Megatron costume ever, I know that much.
Rob: Second shittest, remember that Halloween costume?
Brad: I would love to see any version of Transformers that has Ronnie Corbett playing Starscream.
Rob: The guy at the back seems to have a car seat cover for a jumper. Is back right Derren Brown?
Brad: I was just about to say the same thing, so yes.
Rob: I'd be interested to see how he pulled that off.
Brad: I tell you something. If the devil is going to put his message into any band's music, it won't be in some spotty faced band from Norway. It'll look like this.
Rob: Is there a tremendous demand for CDs that include a karaoke version of a song that's not on the album? I thought that sort of defeated the point.
Brad: That's the part of this album that defeats the point for you?
Rob: Point.
Brad: Score?
Rob: 4/10. One for each car seat cover jumper.
Brad: 8/10. Because I would buy this. As a present. For someone I hate.
Rob: Can I expect that in my gift then?
Brad: Like I'm buying for you.

The Spirit of Christmas
Ray Charles

Brad: So much mileage, so little time.
Rob: Surely....he's about the worst sleigh driver possible? Besides maybe Tiger Woods recently. He sure loves his ho ho hos....
Brad: The photographer has to be taking the piss here, right? He's not even facing the right way! Or dressed appropriately for the weather!
Rob: Why have the seats got blankets on?
Brad: I'm willing to be your anal virginity that that isn't a reindeer.
Rob: Dude, to be fair, it's Ray Charles. You could tell him he was in Tokyo and he'd have to take your word for it. That reindeer's got one hell of a brake problem, look at that drift!
Brad: Snow/driving puns FTW.
Rob: From the look on Ray Charles' face, I'd say that he's caught his nads in that rope.
Brad: Sometimes I wonder if he's really blind.
Rob: Dude, he's dead, isn't he?
Brad: Is he? I can't keep track. Score?
Rob: 5/10, but tell Ray it's a 9/10.
Brad: 9/10
Rob: Wow, as far as he's concerned he's done really well then.

Christmas With Elvis
Elvis Presley

Rob: I offered my girlfriend a christmas with Elvis. She didn't seem impressed when I handed her a shovel.
Brad: Is he about to punch that woman?
Rob: I would.
Brad: Somone got paid to "make" this. They're not even standing on the floor...
Rob: Is this the Christmas album that Mick Foley plays for Hardcore Holly in his book?
Brad: I think it may be. Well done for possibly they most tenuous wrestling tie-in we've ever had on this site so far.
Rob: Cheers. Didn't think I'd be the one who successfully did that, but who knows?
Brad: I think I've actually sprained my eyes on this 'shopping.
Rob: Which of those photoshopped ladies would you do?
Brad: Can I mix and match the bits? That's the way I tend to work.
Rob: Why not? In which case, make your Franken-hooker.
Brad: Is that the World Cup on the right of the mantelpiece?
Rob: Well, Elvis had just as much chance of winning it as the England team ever will again. So, yes.
Brad: Score?
Rob: A 6/10 cobbled together from two 3/10s.
Brad: 2/10

Merry, Merry Christmas
New Kids on the Block

Rob: My god, it finally happened. They became so camp they collapsed inwardly on themselves like a Neutron Star.
Brad: Kuato Lives!
Rob: Why would you write a letter saying "I'll be missing you this Christmas" to Santa? I'd write one saying "Thanks for the gifts, sucker!"
Brad: "Funky Funky Christmas"? Cunts.
Rob: Yeah, I know...
Brad: This made someone's Christmas, though.
Rob: Probably the marketing executive's.
Brad: Some poor deluded girl in the 1990s, begged for this CD one year, and it really made their Christmas. And, you know, for just that one little thing...the world needs to die.
Rob: One of these new kids seems to have birthed another. Making that one particularly new.
Brad: New New Kids on the Block? Really?
Rob: I guess. Or New Kids on the Block (and One Slightly Newer Kid).
Brad: Score?
Rob: 3/10
Brad: 3/10

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