Friday 25 September 2009

Dickass DM

A few weeks ago, Brad and Rob began an experiment that they referred to as The Dickass DM, in which Rob would attempt to play through the Fighting Fantasy gamebook Starship Traveller as if it were an actual table-top RPG.

Read Part One Here
Read Part Two Here

Previously on Dickass DM: Captain Braggart and the crew of the Starship Traveller have been sucked through a black hole known as The Seltsian Void, winding up in places unknown. They now find themselves on a strange planet. As they watch a vehicle drive towards them, they notice an insectoid looking creature beckoning them from a nearby building...

Brad: Do you want to follow your newfound insectoid friend, or wait for the approaching vehicle?
Rob: I'll follow him. This can't fail to end well.
Brad: You, Crips and Chemiserouge follow him into the building.
Rob: They follow me as well?
Brad: Yes.
Rob: Spineless wankers.

INSECTOID DUDE: Just in time! You don't want the PCs to find you in the street, do you?

Rob: There are other PCs in this game? I thought I was the only one!
Brad: It does seem a rather odd term to use, doesn't it?
Rob: Yeah, it's like saying you stop at a B&B in D&D. For some R&R. And S&M.
Brad: I like M&Ms.
Rob: Ooh, me too! Do you rate the crispy ones?
Brad: No.
Rob: Peanut then?
Brad: Preferably.

INSECTOID DUDE: You are on the planet Culematter. The PCs you have just escaped from are the Population Controllers. On this planet no-one dies, but as the population increases, it is necessary to exterminate some of us to make room for others.
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Have we increased the total? If so, sorry about that. And another thing, you say nobody dies, but people are exterminated...
INSECTOID DUDE: The PCs have the authority to exterminate anyone they like, within certain quota limits, without reason. They would certainly have killed you had they caught you outside after quota hours.
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Men, this planet is clearly dangerous. Set your phasers to 'kill' from 'pirouette'!

Brad: Suddenly the door crashes inwards, and three armoured creatures enter.

ARMOURED DOUCHE: I thought I saw them enter this building! Outside!"
INSECTOID DUDE: They are aliens here! They knew nothing of the curf...aaaaargh!
ARMOURED DOUCE: *points finger, and shoots a blue laser through Insectoid Dude*
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Hmmm. I feel kind of bad that we raised the quota now...Choose one target each, and twat it!
OFFICER CRIPPS: Maybe if you offered to send some of the locals asteroid mining?

Rob: Is it too late to change the destination of my phaser? Shoot them!

ENSIGN CHEMISEROUGE: Captain, I suggest following them. They are obviously considerably harder than us.
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Speak for yourse....all right, fine.
ARMOURED DOUCE: It is illegal to be outside after curfew. The penalty is extermination. Enter this vehicle.

Rob: This seems like an important plot hook moment. I'll get into the car.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Best do what they say...

Rob: I give Cripps and Chemiserouge a signal.
Brad: You walk up to the door as if to enter, then all three of you spring on them! Unfortunately, this appears rather fruitless, as all of the enemies are quite strong. They fling you to the ground, but in the struggle, you manage to grab the one of the douche's helmets.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Shoot him in the face!

Brad: The Armoured Douche stops dead in a very artificial pose as if someone had thrown a power switch. The leader replaces his helmet, and instantly he comes back to life. Overpowered, you obey the creatures...for the moment.

CRIPPS: Well fought, sir. I liked that bit where you repeatedly hit him in the knee with your face.
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: You went down like a punk too, you little bitch. At least I grabbed some helme...I'm going to stop talking.
CHEMISEROUGE: For what it's worth, this all started going downhill when the Captain decided the best thing to do was to pilot us into a black hole.
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: I should have sent you out mining.

Brad: The car travels back the way it came for about half an hour, finally stopping outside a round building. You are taken inside and put into a cell of some kind with four other aliens. They seem rather unemotional, and accepting of their impending death.
Rob: Yeah, well they're not armed, are they? Of course they're accepting!
Brad: One of the Armoured Douches calls for your will need to act quickly.
Rob: Right. Fuck, there's our ship in orbit! I'll try and contact them!

CRIPPS: Hah...they'll soon witness the might of this armed and fully operational battle station!
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Wrong franchise.
CRIPPS: Franchise?

Brad: You can rouse only static on the communicator. Strangely, however, all the aliens you can see freeze. When you turn off the communicator, all the aliens come back to life.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Try and hail them again, I like where this is heading...

Brad: Following the guard, you're led down to a large open room. Various Armoured Douches are directing civillians through a large open doorway through which a faint glow is visible. You are directed to the end of the line.
Rob: I turn on the communicator.
Brad: Again you can get nothing but static, but the aliens freeze. This could be an opportune moment to leave the room.
Rob: We'll leave the room.

CRIPPS: I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around..
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Unbelievable...he's still in the wrong franchise.

Brad: You head through the complex, dodging the creature, but something is still blocking the signal to the ship.
Rob: Hmmm, curious.
Brad: You pass a room in which all the walls are covered in elecrical equipment. Perhaps this room is the cause of the jamming? Two aliens sit there, but your communicator has paralysed them.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Shoot the walls!
CRIPPS: Boring conversation anyway...
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Oh, for fuck's sake...

Brad: Finally, you manage to get through to the ship. You give the order to beam up as soon as is possible. Whilst you wait Cripps examines the inside of one of the aliens' helmets.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: I knew you were gay.

Brad: The creature's head is a mass of circuits! They must have been androids! You take the helmet for later examination, and the ship beams you up.

CHEMISEROUGE: I like the way we left everyone there to die.
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Beam a communicator back down.

Brad: Leaving orbit, you operate the long range scanners. There's a planet a mere 3.6 lightyears away that could support life.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Let's head there.

Brad: The lab reports that the helmet you brought back was indeed an advanced piece of work. With a few adjustment, you can wear it and add 1 to your Skill. Which is nice.
Rob: Sweet. +1 Skill Helmet FTW. There's a T-shirt design there somewhere.
Brad: You approach a medium sized blue/green planet, and park in an orbit position. What is "medium sized" when it comes to a planet, anyway?
Rob: between Jupiter and...a hard plaice?

McSPINDLE: Scanners reveal several clusters of intelligent life, but radio hails are bring up nothing, sir.

Rob: How can the scanners pick up intelligent life? Surely they just pick up life signs?

McSPINDLE:'s Space Magic, sir.
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: I didn't say anything...Anyway, beam down.
CAPTAIN BRAGGART: *whispers to others* Keep an eye on McSpindle, he was talking to himself a minute ago.

Brad: You can pick three crew members to beam down with you.
Rob: Engineering Officer Clank, Security Officer Cripps and Redshirt #4.
Brad: You land on the planet and look around. It's the middle of the thunderstorm, and you're instantly soaked in rain. You're on some rocky ground about 100 yards from what appears to be a small village.
Rob: Head for that village, I need to show off my Skill Helmet!
Brad: Three aliens, presumably villagers, are halfway to the village, and turn to face you. They are strange, podgy creatures with long necks and stumpy legs. One of the aliens runs off to the village, at what must be some sort of run. The other two advance towards you with long pointed sticks held like weapons.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Phasers to "Pirouette".

Rob: We walk towards them.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: *whispers* Drop back and let Redshirt #4 take point.

Brad: They hold their ground and ready their weapons. They shout, and (through your translator) you hear they're telling you to wait where you are. Do you want to listen, or contine advancing?

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Halt, boys. Get your weapons out but keep back. Not that weapon, Clank.
Brad: After some discussion, the aliens are obviously suspicious of you, but agree to take you to talk with their Elder.


Brad: As you enter the village, several creatures shuffle around, trying to get a better look at you. You are marched to a large hut in a clearing to chat with the Elder. In the hut, sits a rather large and wrinkled alien.

CRIPPS: And I thought they smelled bad on the outside...

Rob: I ask him about the planet.
Brad: The alien is quite chatty, and apparently the planet you are on is named Chilba. There are many similar vilage scattered across the planet. The cultural development appears similar to the Middle Ages on Earth. They are an agricultural race - but bad weather has ruined their crops for the past few seasons.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: What the hell are you growing that doesn't like water?

Brad: Salt, presumably. The weather is controlled by someone they refer to as The Rain Lord who lives in a fortified castle, two hours away. They believe this Rain Lord is punishing them with bad weather. As the crops fail, famine and disease strikes.
Rob: I ask them about local astronomy.
Brad: Their knowledge is virtually non-existent.

CAPTAIN BRAGGART: Perhaps we could talk to this "Rain Lord" for you?

Rob: I'll be pissed if this is Michael Flatley in another one of his hair-brained schemes...


1 comment:

  1. 'Sucked through a black hole known as the Seltsian Void, winding up in place unknown...'

    - I can't believe I've only just noticed that the premise of 'Star Trek: Voyager' was taken from the 'Starship Traveller' Fighting Fantasy gamebook!

    Dickass DM as hilarious as always, guys! My favourite E14 feature.