Friday 16 September 2011

Shitty Box Art Round-Up

Gladiator Begins

Rob: I feel like this game satisfies several of the E14 criteria.
Brad: This artwork is balls.
Rob: That too.
Brad: Like...More balls than I can begin to describe.
Rob: Well, I'm in stellar company. I'm doing a descriptive piece with a guy who can't describe.
Brad: If you went to the Balls Museum in Ballstown, Masschuballs, when they were having a visiting exhibit on the most number of balls ever piled on top of a series of smaller balls, and you went into the gift shop to discover they were having a sale on balls because they'd accidentally ordered too many balls from the balls warehouse, and purchased some balls from a sales assistant dressed up as some balls, that's almost as balls as this artwork.
Rob: Why would they accidentally order too many balls if they sell balls and have a visiting exhibit on most balls stacked on balls?
Brad: They ordered a lot of balls.
Rob: Or more accurately, exactly how much free time do you spend coming up with superlatives?
Brad: Where is that blood coming from? What is it on?
Rob: I think...PSP? I look for the little clues though.
Brad: She looks like a Speedball Cheerleader
Rob: With tits!
Brad: Speedball? It was a video game? In the nineties? Bitmap Brothers?
Rob: I know what you're talking about. Or are you addressing our theoretical fanbase?
Brad: Our theoretical fanbase is called "Selman".
Rob: I know a guy called Shaun who reads. Hi, Shaun!
Brad: Hi, Adam from Black Sun Down! I assume he reads it. If not, he's missing out.
Rob: There you go, see? We've got at least three. Plus Brian and Doctor Bartender.
Brad: We have over 5,000 people read this site a month, dude. Let's put that into perspective: That's more than you've ever actually met.
Rob: You reckon so? I taught for a year dude, that was a good couple of hundred.
Brad: Yeah, I have a graph.

Rob: ...How did you....How many is it?
Hey, wait a minute! Apparently this gladiator can be a man or a woman!
Brad: What is the term for a female Gladiator? Gladiatress?
Rob: Gladiola.
Brad: The eyes follow you around the room. If you print out a copy and carry it around, anyway.
Rob: I...eyes? Oh, you mean the game cover. I was looking on the graph.
Brad: I'm imagining this is a Dynasty Warriors/God of War thing.
Rob: I'm transfixed, it's like the obelisk in 2001.
Brad: Score for this one?
Rob: 6/10. It'd have got 4/10, but tits!
Brad: 4/10. It got a two, but...tits.

Trucks and Trailers

Brad: This excerpt from the blurb tells you all you need to know about this games target audience:
From the developers of the phenomenally successful Euro Truck Simulator, UK Truck Simulator and German Truck Simulator comes Trucks & Trailers!
This is aimed at dedicated truck simulation enthusiasts.
Rob: So what, it does trucks showing movie previews?
Brad: I hope this has a mini-game where you rape and murder hitch-hikers. It wouldn't be a full simulation if they missed out that vital facet.
Rob: Or there's the mud-flap customisation.
Brad: I don't think this is really going to rival Burnout any time soon.
Rob: Probably not.
This thing has achievements?!
"Keep your flaps clean - 10G"
Brad: I'm starting to wonder if there's a "fallen into" career that they haven't done a simulation for yet.
Rob: "School Janitor HD"?
Brad: "Air Stewardess Simulator"?
"Methodist Vicar '11"
Rob: "Golf Buggy Tycoon"
Brad: "Boots Checkout Girl (inc vacant stare DLC)
"Subway Sandwich Artist"
Achievement Unlocked: Completely Ignoring Salad Request
Rob: 7/10. Trucks!
Brad: 8/10.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas

Brad: I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this will be a collection of mini-games.
Rob: This game comes out at the end of September?
Brad: Yes. It's either really early, or really late.
There's only so much mileage, here, right?
Rob: Santa doesn't do much distance on the ground. Ever wonder how he does it?
Brad: Something to do with timezones, I think. That or Nikolai Tesla built him a machine that creates a duplicate him somewhere else.
Rob: That'd be awesome!
Brad: I don't trust these Elves.
Rob: What about them don't you trust?
Brad: I think it's the doped up facial expressions. And the one of the far right is having sex with the side of the box.
Rob: Dude, they're making toys and, I suspect, Wii games. It's not like they're your designated driver. Relax.
Brad: Fine. 5/10.
Rob: 4/10.

London Underground Simulator

Brad: Oh, for fuck's sake. You know what? This actually sounds like hell.
Rob: World of Subways...3? Dude, they made your game. How do you do the "Ignore Salad Request" thing?
Brad: "as you follow a detailed timetable and a myriad of custom missions."
Custom missions? What the hell are they? This game is, by its very definition "railroaded".
Rob: I thought the whole point of missions was that they were linear. Hell, I thought the whole point of subways was that they were linear. So I presume the controls are "on-rails"? Hyuk, hyuk.
Brad: Yeah, this is an on-rails shooter, minus the shooting. Who chooses this for fun? Why not just become a underground train driver?
Rob: People who like on-rails ers.
Brad: It's not like you're playing Guitar Hero, here, and pretending to be a rockstar. You're pretending to be a grumpy, shit-at-his-job dickfister with no ambition or charisma. Where is the fun in that? I'm totally getting Brian this for Christmas. He doesn't have a PC, but he can look at the box and pretend.
Rob: Why didn't we get him a PC?
Brad: And he's got an abacus. I'm not made of money.
Rob: Dude, that had better be one bead. Beads cost money.
Brad: Yeah, he's counting in binary.
Rob: Smart guy. Why's he working for us?
Brad: It is just the two of us he works for, isn't it?
Rob: I assume so.
Brad: I only ask because under "number of managers" he put "10".
Rob: "Dynamic passengers on the platform"?
Do you get to hurl passive-aggressive abuse at people?
Brad: That can be the only perk. Unless there's a DLC level where you have to drive the train through the subway train section of Predator 2.
Rob: 6/10.
Brad: 1101/10
Rob: ...11?
Brad: Probably. I do the gags, not the math.

Delivery Truck Simulator

Brad: What is wrong with this world?
Rob: What is wrong with your ability to search
Brad: They really have screwed up this time, and I'll explain why.
Rob: It does help our exposition if you do.
Brad: See: "Time is your greatest adversary as you work against the clock to deliver a wide range of goods before the deadline expires".
I'm pretty sure that delivery vans do not give a fuck about getting things there before the deadline. So, either they've got something that doesn't work as a game, or doesn't work as a simulation.
Rob: Good point; it's the retailer who cares about that. Yeah, but dude: think it through, ok?
Brad: Okay...
Rob: It's hardly going to say "Time is useful but not vital, as you work a full day and try to minimise customer complaints to the distributor, resulting in lower negotiated contracts come renewal time. Your impact will not be particularly massive one way or the other.".
Brad: Fine. 3/10.
Rob: Ultimately my impact will not be particularly massive one way or the other. So 2/10.

Dead Rising 2: Off the Record

Rob: ...Is he walking through a zombie Mardi Gras?
Brad: I think it's really bad form for them to have taken that photo with the light source directly behind the subject. Didn't they already do a Dead Rising 2?
Rob: Yeah, this is a "Re-imagining". Translation: It didn't sell as well as they'd hoped, and their logic is that they can always just whack their main hero into the game and hope for the best.
Brad: Oh, dear. That...sounds like we're back in the gift shop again.
Rob: So many balls...At least they're doing new missions. I'm glad when they do something that isn't 100% flagrant profiteering.
Brad: Does he have to keep taking Zombrex to someone else's daughter?
"I got you some Zombrex."
"Who are you?"
"I'm your non-canon daddy."
", where's my Daddy?"
"Uh...on PS3, I think."
Rob: "There's an Xbox version of your daddy too."
Brad: See, you would not get away with this ham-fisted re-boot on anything else. They wouldn't re-do just a sequel with a different character for a movie.
Rob: They totally will, one day.
Brad: 10/10.
Rob: 7/10. I like the idea of Zombie Mardi Gras, but that's about it.

Xenoblade Chronicles

Rob: Is that guy made of fishing rods?
Brad: Going on the artwork, there's every chance that this is a Dream Theater album.
Rob: I would buy that.
Brad: I smell JRPG.
Rob: Sorry, I've got this weird stomach condition.
Brad: That is
Rob: I get so acidic that I can only survive by feeding myself JRPGs.
Brad: Have you seen a doctor? He can probably heal you for half your gold.
Rob: Nah, I'm good. I've got a full complement of Phoenix Downs.

Words: Brad Harmer & Robert Wade
Brad Harmer - Facebook - Twitter
Rob Wade - Twitter

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