Friday, 5 February 2010

Peripheral Reviews

Riiflex 1KG Dumbbell Accessories for Wii Fit
£29.99

Rob: Wait, we're doing a sex toys article again?
Brad: Nah, have you seen the kind of traffic we get these days? We don't need that. Incidentally, we also won't be reviewing Ben 10 slash fiction.
Rob: Damn, now that Naruto article means we'll get slash fiction traffic for them, too.
Brad: Oh, yeah. These really don't look that heavy. How much is a kilo, approximately? About...a hundred grams?
Rob: Well in Imperial measurements, it's somewhere in the region of thirteen Tarkins.
Brad: I can see the reason for this. But I can't help but feel that at least one person involved in its production should have put his hand up and said "Sir, this is a really shit idea.".
Rob: I don't think there's much autonomy in game peripheral design executives.
Brad: I'd have more respect for this if it was actually heavy, but a one kilogram weight? Really? I lift two five-kilo dumbells, and those aren't exactly heavy. Would you buy this? I mean, you are quite puny.
Rob: I'm trying to sell my Wii Fit, so I figure it'd be counter-productive
Brad: Ah, the Wii Fit..."You could spend your money on some good keep-fit equipment, or you could spend you money on a good console...or you could have the worst of both worlds!". Score for this one?
Rob: 2x2lbs/10
Brad: 2/10

Brad: There's a company who make peripherals for the Wii called "Venom". I'm trying to come up with a "Wii are VENOM!" gag.

Exspect Wii Music Accessory Pack - Maracas
£9.99

Brad: What the fuck is this for?
Rob: You familiar with the game "Samba De Amigo"? Never mind, it's for "Wii Music". I can tell you how I figured that out, if you want...
Brad: Nah, I'd rather retain the mystery.
Rob: As you wish.
Brad: It would be great if it let you just randomly play maracas in other games. Sunset Riders, for example...Eye of the Beholder...
Rob: Halo 2.
Brad: There's probably a Halo vehicle called "The Maraca".
Rob: Probably, actually. I think it's a mobile gun turret with stones and sand inside
Brad: These things have buttons on...
Rob: Yeah, surely it's not been that long since you played a games console.
Brad: Yeah...but maracas don't have buttons. Follow me here: I get that people want realism from their peripherals and games, these days. That's not my thing, but that's fine. So, take the Guitar Hero controller for example - you held down a button and strummed it - like you would on a real guitar, yeah? But...there are no buttons on a fucking pair of maracas! You just shake them! Like all Wii control games!
Rob: Dude, it's a game. Last time I checked, playing a real guitar didn't allow you to pause the song.
Brad: Yeah...if you can get rave reviews, doing a set of covers and only hitting 80% of the notes...well, you're probably in Bender Crack Corn. Score?
Rob: Dos.
Brad: 10/10
Rob: Dios Mio.

Enigma Wii Fishing Rod
£9.99

Brad: Imagine: Gynaecologist.
Rob: I hope that's not what it's for. If it was for PS3 and developed by the God of War team, then maybe.
Brad: Someone got paid to make that.
Rob: Hopefully their royalties are sales-based.
Brad: "Now, with the Wii, you can get all the sensation associated with sitting perfectly still and silently, contemplating the time and money you've wasted on your "hobby".". You ever been fishing?
Rob: Nope. You?
Brad: Yeah, when I was nine. Got a pole for my birthday once. If I liked something in my childhood, and don't like it anymore, it's probably shit. Example: Dinosaurs - liked...still liked...are awesome. Dinosaurs, the sit-com - liked...realised it was a cliched sit-com in funny suits...not-the-mama. You ever played a fishing video game?
Rob: I've played Legend of Zelda, but fishing is a mini-game. I doubt very much that the game franchise would be that popular if the fishing was the main game.
Brad: There does seem to be a sub-culture of fishing games. I reckon you get a new one a month. To put that into context - that's more than you get soccer games. Again, all I really want to do is make characters from other games suddenly be holding a fishing rod.
Rob: Halo 2.
Brad: I'm already picturing Kratos with a confused expression. Score? 10/10
Rob: 4/10. Lots of tens going on, have we struck a deal with this manufacturer?
Brad: Nah, I figure the d10 is just averaging out for the past year.

OCZ OCZNIA / NIA Neural Impulse Actuator
£109.99

Rob: What the fuck is this?
Brad: Before reading...guess.
*Pause*
Brad: So, what do you think it is?
Rob: I suppose my logical guess would be something that interprets your brain signals, but I can't work out to what end.
Brad: Correct in one! Presumably because that would be faster than using your hands...by about 0.08 of a second. Seen the price tag?
Rob: They'll be in 99p stores before the end of the year.
Brad: When they discover it's all down to "wiggling your eyebrows" you mean? Score?
*pause*
Brad: Dude?
Rob: Sorry for the delay, I wrapped a velcro strip around my head and tried to type with my eyebrows. 3/10
Brad: 4/10

Saitek Pro Flight Radio Panel
£119.77Brad: This is making Eurogamers look well-adjusted.
Rob: "Display works in real time on Flight Sim X". Can you imagine if it didn't work in real-time? "Authentic Ryan-Air Radio Panel."
Brad: Rob? This is all very pretty, but what does it do?
Rob: Apparently without the radio panel, you have to take up space on your HUD with the radio panel. With this thing, more space is on your display
Brad: And less money is in your account? And less women are in your bed? d less meaning is in your life? Says the guy who spent sixty quid on Space Hulk.
Rob: Dude, it's "Fewer women"
Brad: Sorry.
Rob: "Less pussy", "fewer women". Think of that as a pneumonic. Which I'm fairly sure I had an X-ray to check for.
Brad: I quite like the idea of you being able to spontaneously give other game characters a Flight Radio Panel.
Rob: I can only imagine how Arkham Asylum could be improved.
Brad: Leisure Suit Larry. Score?
Rob: 103.9...I mean 4.
Brad: 4/10

Saitek Cyborg Command Unit
£44.62Rob: Is that...a glove?
Brad: I hope so. What does it do? Is it just a glove?
Rob: I think it's designed to make the buttons easier to press without pressing other buttons. Of course, you could save yourself forty pounds by just...not being gimpy.
Brad: But...I still don't get it. What does it do?
Rob: The same thing as a keyboard. You ever seen a Z-Board?
Brad: Yeah.
Rob: Same sort of thing, just an easier peripheral. It's for those real PC gaming enthusiasts.
Brad: I don't get it. Why does it need to take up sapce in the world? What does it want?
Rob: The ones who confuse "easier controls" with "being better". Those are the PC gamers it's targeting.
Brad: Ah, munchkins. Score? 8/10
Rob: 6/10

Zach Galifianakis started his so-called career in the back of a hamburger joint in New York. A master of the profoundly absurd - think Woody Allen meets Steven Wright - Zach's amiable rambling delivery is peppered with one-liners and non-sequiters that will have you chuckling without really understanding why.
This live performance was filmed June 9th and 10th 2005 at The Purple Onion club in San Francisco and is Zach's debut DVD.

Thanks to our friends at Best Medicine, we've got three copies of Zach Galifianakis - Live at the Purple Onion to give away! For your chance of winning one, send us an e-mail to zachfgalifianakisgiveaway@rocketmail.com with your name and postal address before midday on Friday 12th February (UK time). The first three names drawn out of the electronic hat will win a free copy!

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