Friday, 19 June 2009

Shitty Box Art Round-Up

Skyscraper

Rob: I've always wanted to play a game where the hero is that big.
Brad: Imagine: John McClane
Rob: Wow. Short of setting it at Christmas, it is actually a major rip-off.
Brad: Any idea what sort of game it is? Looking at those arcs of light, I'm thinking that it might be a puzzle game. Like the fireworks one on the original Eyetoy - or, as it's now called, 360Gimmick.
Rob: It seems to be a compilation of games. That's gotta be a first on Wii. In seriousness, I think it's a shooty-shooty game.
Brad: Yeah, I'm thinking third-person shooter. Fully free-roaming...within the confines of the skyscraper.
Rob: Yeah, fully free-roaming would be a fiddly game.
Brad: As opposed to Blood on the Sand, which would be a Fiddy game, right?
Rob: "Gather first-aid kits to nullify the effects of your illness". Being loaded to the bollocks with bullets has never been my idea of an illness.
Brad: A game in which the character is badly ill...has that been done before?
Rob: It's never really caught on in a high-octane action game. Very rarely has Master Chief stopped mid-rampage because of a diabetic hypo.
Brad: Credit where credit's due, it's not a bad idea. I mean, all other forms of narrative art have characters with flaws - why not video games? There aren't many I can think of. Well, Kano had half his face missing, I guess...
Rob: If he is ill, that's amazing. Especially if he's in a wheelchair, that'd give a whole new meaning to the term "on-rails shooter"
Brad: We may have hit a first for the Box Art Review: A game I actually want to play.
Rob: You didn't want to play Imagine: My Secret World by Imagine?
Brad: I couldn't even conceive of it. Score for this one?
Rob: I like the possibility of there being a terminally ill action hero - 7/10
Brad: As good as I think it looks, I don't think the actual game is as good as I'm hoping it is. 8/10 from me.

Ready, Steady Cook: The Game

Rob: Really?
Brad: You can learn recipies from this thing.
Rob: Yeah, but a recipe book is cheaper in most cases.
Brad: Exactly. The Wii is hell bent on lying to people about how beneficial it is. There's all these games that claim to educate your kids, teach them languages, show them the gravitational pull of various sex toys...what people fail to realise is that they're not. They're fucking shitty video games, and you are stupid. I have to laugh everytime someone says, or comments on FaceBook: "Going to get on my WiiFit! Lose some weight! Swimsuit season!". Jesus...it's a fucking video game, not a personal trainer. Go on a diet, go to the gym, come back home from the gym and play some good video games. Jesus...there's something in my beer tonight...
Rob: Whatever, man. If there was a game called Imagine: Zombie Apocalypse, you'd buy the shit out of it.
Brad: I appreciate the point, but in practice, there aren't many zombie video games I like. The first two Resident Evil games, Zombies Ate My Neighbours on the SNES/Mega-Drive and the arcade installments of House of the Dead...that's about it.
Rob: I've really got nothing to say about this game.
Brad: One of the selling features on the press release for this is: "Each cooking session lasts around 4 minutes". Is that good?
Rob: No, the show is like half an hour. They probably couldn't get Ainsley Harriott's likeness. That usually fills up a fair bit of time.
Brad: Can I make a point that will be a nail in the coffin for this game?
Rob: Please, for the love of God, do. Though you and I both know it'll still sell.
Brad: It comes with a free cookbook. You cannot make this shit up.
Rob: Christ. Can we score this and move on? 4/10
Brad: 1/10

Calvin Tucker's Redneck Jamboree

Brad: I have now officially seen it all. Imagine: Class Wars! I don't know who "Calvin Tucker" is, but I have a mightily strong feeling that the much needed sponsorship deal with Jeff Foxworthy did not go as swimmingly as they had hoped.
Rob: Entirely possible. See, I honestly don't understand why this game is being released.
Brad: I get that with loads of games. Films. Books. Clothing lines. Magazines. Prisoners of war.
Rob: The front cover claims that there are "12 Redneck Inspired Events". Interesting format for a Wii game.
Brad: The back cover says that three of those are "Backyard Hunting, Mower Racing, [and] Toilet Seat Throwing "
Rob: "Toilet seat throwing"?
Brad: I'm wondering what the other nine are. I'm fairly sure that Mower Throwing and Toilet Seat Racing has to be in there.
Rob: The only thing I can think looking at this cover is "Wow, he's let himself go since he stopped believing in Hobbes".
Brad: His lady fried seems rather Germanic.
Rob: Dude, it's only the pigtails...
Brad: And the puffy sleeves.
Rob: Okay, fair enough.
Brad: Nyarlathotep is watching from a nearby tree.
Rob: Why is that crow completely flat?
Brad: I'm trying to get a handle on the other nine events. Pipe up if you have any ideas. "Wife Punching"?
Rob: "Beer-hat creating"?
Brad: "Lawn Ornament Shooting"!
Rob: "NASCAR Watching"!
Brad: "Sister Fucking"?
Rob: Creationism Believing?
Brad: I can't lie, I've never met a redneck. I'm just getting these stereotypes from a cocktail of Bill Hicks, Larry The Cable Guy and Jeff Foxworthy. Score?
Rob: I'm gonna go with 2/10
Brad: If you think that this game will get you fit/teach you to cook/learn another language you might be a redneck: 2/10

Interval

Brad: I'm trying to find a shitty game not on Wii. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Rob: I've just been trying, too.
Brad: Decent baseball games are hard to find. I might just buy a cricket game and pretend. There's a Highlander game coming out for PC at the end of June. Epic win.
Rob: Really? Are you sure it's not the other thing? "Lame"?

Pro Cycling Manager: Season 2009 - Le Tour De France

Brad: "Pedal! Pedal more! Keep pedalling!"
Rob: Surely you can do that one of only two ways? One's gonna wear out your thumbstick, and the other's tedious button-mashing.
Brad: Take the piss out of Track & Field all you want - if someone offers you a game, you can't refuse.
"Choose their secondary sponsors" - As for their primary sponsors: Fuck you.
Rob: Where is the secondary sponsor space on a cyclist? Nips?
Brad: "More realistic cyclist behaviour" - What were they doing in the previous installement? Driving a car?
Rob: Wouldn't this box be ten times more awesome if one random cyclist had a Hello Kitty helmet?
Brad: You know what would make it a hundred times more awesone?
Rob: Ten Hello Kitty helmets?
Brad: If one random cyclist had PyramidHead's helmet.
Rob: I would buy a PSP if it was called Silent Hill: Pro Cycling Manager Season 2009
Brad: There's not many games that wouldn't be improved by a Silent Hill license. Grand Theft Auto: Silent Hill would be a little weird I guess.
Rob: That'd make for an interesting open world though
Brad: Score?
Rob: I'm gonna say 5/10
Brad: 5/10 here too. It's probably very good at what it does - but what it does isn't very good.

Walk With Me!

Rob: Ahhhh, one word away from being a Twin Peaks licensed game.
Brad: I'm thinking that the only way Nintendo can keep getting gayer would be if they just gave in and released a game called Imagine: Jerking Off Some Guy In A Public Toilet. It's the pretence that this shit is good for you that bugs me.
Rob: Why do you need 2 pedometers? Are they under the impression that you need one for each leg?
Brad: To finish up, I'd like to include a customer review from an on-line shopping site: "i would not buy this product as it is very disappointing". So...Did he buy it, or didn't he?

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