Wednesday, 10 March 2010

Star Trek Aliens: A Spotter's Guide

Klingons
Good Guys or Bad Guys: They started off bad guys in the original series, but they’re pretty much good guys from The Next Generation onwards.
Mad Forehead, or Mad Ears?: Mad forehead.
Culture: Warrior Caste. Frequently exhibit cockiness and debauchery. Basically, the Chavs of Space.
Most Likely to Say: K’plah.
Trivia: You can pretty much bluff Klingon with nothing but “t”s and “k”s.




Vulcans
Good Guys or Bad Guys: Good guys, really – if a little stand-offish. Lot of attitude to go with. They appear to come from the planet Aspergers.
Mad Forehead, or Mad Ears?: Mad ears, with some mad eyebrown action creeping onto the forehead.
Culture: An intellectual culture based on logic, douchebaggery and Vulcan Neck Pinches.
Most Likely to Say: “That seems highly illogical. Let’s do what I say, instead.”
Trivia: Hell is being stuck in a lift with a Vulcan.




Romulans
Good Guys or Bad Guys: Usually bad guys. They’ve never really been accepted.
Mad Forehead, or Mad Ears?: Mad ears.
Culture: Romulans are the counterpoint to the Vulcan race, with whom they share a common ancestry. Romulans are passionate, cunning, and opportunistic — in every way the opposite of Vulcans.
Most Likely to Say: “No, we are not just a mix of Klingon and Vulcan thought up during a slow day.”
Trivia: You can go all of your Star Trek watching life without needing to see anything with Romulans in.




Cardassians
Good Guys or Bad Guys: Out for their own, to be honest. They could be good or bad, depending on the situation. They were most often seen in Deep Space Nine, which is why they’re probably the least recognised alien here.
Mad Forehead, or Mad Ears?: Very mad forehead, slightly mad ears.
Culture: They are often politically motivated, like most Human politicians. There are often predatory, like most Human politicians. They are often very intelligent.
Most likely to say: “What do you mean we’re not on the list? We’ve been in the franchise since 1991! I demand to speak to Mr Roddenbe...oh, what? We’ve been queuing here for ages, and you’re letting freaking Wookies in now?”




Ferengi
Good Guys or Bad Guys: In The Next Generation, they were basically Klingons Take Two. By the time of Deep Space Nine, they’re basically the equivalent of Woody Harrelson in Cheers. No movie has ever been based around the Ferengi. Just saying.
Mad Forehead, or Mad Ears?: Mad forehead extending into and wrapping around the mad ears.
Culture: A heavily merchant based culture, albeit sometimes a shady and underhand one.
Most Likely To Say: “Stop staring at my weird head.”




Borg
Good Guys or Bad Guys: Totally bad guys. These are your “old school” seek and destroy style alien invaders. They’re also of an insectoid hive mind, which any really lazy media student will tell you is representative of a fear of Communism. I never understood that personally. I’m much more scared of giant insects than I am of Communism.
Mad Forehead or Mad Ears?: Lump of cyberpunk style machinery over one ear.
Culture: A cybernetic culture hell bent on destroying and assimilating the universe for no other reason than that is what they do. A bit like giant insects. And, to a lesser extent, Communists.
Most Likely To Say: “Resistance is futile.”




Species 8472
Good Guys or Bad Guys: Bad guys, I guess. They’re sworn enemy of the Borg, so that’s a pretty good thing. Ironically, they resemble giant insects.
Mad Forehead or Mad Ears?: Mad everything.
Culture: They kill the fuck out of things.
Mostly Likely to Say: Nothing. And then stab you.

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