Music Reviews

More music reviews for you now, with the quality of the entire package judged solely on the cover artwork. It's the only fair way.

Ronan Keating - Songs For My Mother



Before this album came out, I don't think I had ever really appreciated the height of Ronan Keating's head. Look at that. He used to be the best looking straight guy in Boyzone, and now he looks like a ludicrously photoshopped Gary Barlow.

You know, I can think of several people with a) from celebrity and b) from real life with the surname Barlow, but the image that always comes to mind is Mister Barlow from the 1980's TV Series of Salem's Lot. I remember watching that show when I was about nine or ten, and I thought it was really good. Then, for years and years afterwards, I didn't watch it, because I was scared that it was going to be really shitty. I didn't want the reality to shatter the memory I had of it.

Then, one year, when I was in Switzerland I bought it on DVD partly because it was cheap, and partly because I wanted my girlfriend to see it. Then end result? It was awesome! David Soul killing vampires, an evil James Mason and that bird from Die Hard? How could it suck?

So, the moral of the story is, don't deny yourself something because you're worried it'll shatter the memories. Even if it is crap, you'll still have the memories. - 3/10

Peter Doherty - Grace/Wastelands



This is what Gerald Scarfe's turds look like.

Peter Doherty is a very disappointed man. He so, so, so wanted to die young, and become a t-shirt for all time. He worked so hard at it: overrated band collapses? Check. Drug habit? Check. Prison/Drugs/Headlines? Check. Irritating girlfriend? Check. But...all for nothing, because the skinny little ragamuffin is still alive.

When you've failed at dying young (which, let's be honest, has to be pretty fucking easy) - you're probably not going to have the skills for much else. - 5/10

Pestilence - Resurrection Macabre



Pestilence haven't had an album out since 1993. Chances are that most of you will never have fucking heard of them before. But...look upon the glory of this cover.

Sold, boys. Sold. - 10/10