Tuesday 3 October 2017

Aaron's Spoiler-Free Review of "The Darkness"

Note from the Editor: Apologies that there have been so few updates from your favourite Horror correspondent recently. Unfortunately his computer has been in a state technically known as "fucked". Not to let this derail him fully, he is soldiering on (presumably writing these on a tablet or phone). Enjoy his return today, and thank you for your patience during this time!

Synopsis: Peter Taylor (Kevin Bacon), his wife Bronny and their two children return to Los Angeles after a fun-filled vacation to the Grand Canyon. Strange events soon start to plague the family, including young son Michael's increasingly erratic behavior...

Though often overlooked, Kevin Bacon could well be considered somewhat of an underdog among horror icons. After all, he was in Tremors, Friday The 13th, and more modern hits like Hollow Man and Stir of Echoes! Not a bad little list there, is it?

Well, you can take it from me that no one will be including The Darkness on any lists any time soon! I mean, unless that list is something along the lines of “Top 10 Biggest Snooze-Fests (Number 4 Won’t Surprise You, Because It’s The Darkness)”.

I’ve honestly no idea what anyone was thinking when they made this movie. I mean, what do you call a jump-scare when it neither scares you nor makes you jump? I mean, what is that? Is there a name for that? Is it even a thing? What’s the opposite of that? A sit-still-calmer? Sounds good!

This movie is well and truly riddled with sit-still-calmers, truly awful dialogue (seriously, its terrible), and my fucking word, the acting! I’ve nothing against Kevin Bacon, but never did I think I would utter the words “Kevin Bacon saved this movie!” Do you know what, though? He did!

Not only that, this movie is overflowing with clich├ęs and overused gimmicks to the point where you can tell exactly what’s going to happen in every scene.

Aaron's Spoiler-Free Rating: This was my first time seeing this movie, yet I’ve seen it a thousand times before and quite frankly, I’m sick to death of it. 2.5/10

Aaron James Waters is a best-selling Pulp Fiction writer who has written more books than he's actually read.

He's also the rotten apple of the group who thinks this whole Star Wars thing needs to hurry up and die already.

You can find Aaron's debut novel on Amazon!

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