Tuesday 17 March 2009

Music Reviews

Pet Shop Boys - Yes, etc.

I find it hard to believe that Pet Shop Boys haven't yet been outlawed by the Geneva Convention. What the fuck have they ever produced that didn't set your teeth on edge straight away? Every single track, every chord, every synth setting makes me feel like I'm being gnawed on the back of my neck by an exceedingly effeminate hamster.

The thing is, Pet Shop Boys are a joke, but a joke that has been around so long that every is now starting to think that they're actually an important part of musical history, rather than what actually amounts to a sequel to The Village People. - 1/10

Papa Roach - Metamorphosis

If you're going to try and do some rock star poses, whilst actually being false metallers yourselves, it is very important to consider the composition of the band as a whole. Look at the two guys on the left - the singer and the guitarist...now, consider this...

"SHO-RYU-KEN!" - 2/10

Delta Spirit - Ode To Sunshine

This cover is scarily reminiscent of a recurring dream I used to have involving a fishing trip with Rutger Hauer.

It would start the same way, with me eating winkles on the beach, when all of a sudden, I'd realise that the guy looking through the little pay-telescope was Rutger Hauer, star of movies such as Ladyhawke and The Hitcher. "Hello." I would say to him, "Aren't you Rutger Hauer, star of movies such as Wedlock and Beyond Justice?"

"Yes," he'd reply, in that gravelly vaguelly accented voice of his. "I'm just down here on a fishing trip, taking a break from shooting my latest film. I play a man in a trenchcoat who points a shotgun threateningly at Mad Max style villains. I'm about to hire a boat and do some fishing. Would you like to come with me?"

Of course, I would accept. Who could turn down the chance to go fishing with Rutger Hauer, star of such movies as Split Second and Omega Doom? We would hire out a little craft, and soon we were sailing across the seas, trolling the weight across the ocean floor, laughing heartily whilst he regaled me with stories of his time spent filming such classics as Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Hostile Waters.

Then, he'd leave me holding the line whilst I reflected on our strange new found friendship. Who knew that the chance meeting of a young boy and a Dutch B-Movie actor could lead to such a wonderful friendship? And what was this strange feeling he gave me in my stomach whenever he was near?

Then, Rutger would pop up from below deck, dressed only in a pair of small swimming shorts, a glass of beer in one hand and fine Cuban cigar in the other. Smiling at me he'd say heartily "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the darkness at Tan Hauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain...", then he'd reach over and turn on the radio, and we'd hear the soft sound of The Village People's "Go West".

The sun would be glittering up off the waves as he'd come stand beside me, staring off into the horizon together, his muscular arm draped across my shoulders. I'd be struck with the feeling that this was the way that life should be - the feeling of the sea air, the gentle sway of the boat, and the strong, comforting friendship of Rutger Hauer, star of movies such as Turbulence III: Heavy Metal and Minotaur, as we laughed and played together under the setting sun. Then I'd wake up and find that at some point during the night I'd sneezed all over my balls. - 5/10

Monday 16 March 2009

The worst games I ever played: Number 2

I have been burdened with an unusually high penchant for vitriol this week, and as such thought I'd add to my gradual revelation of the worst and most shameful games to ever have graced my gaming presence. Hopefully this will give you a basic idea of the kind of games I like, or at least make it less surprising when a truly terrible game finally tips me over the edge and sends me on a homicide spree. Anyway, there'll be plenty of time to dwell on that in future instalments.
Now, traditionally, I would base my opinion of a game on the first time it was released, assuming that I'd played it that time round. However, in the case of this game, that is not a possibility, simply because due to this game being complete and utter toss, I have actually blocked all direct memory of this game. I do, however, remember WHY I got the game James Bond Jr. for the Super Nintendo.

Let's get this out of the way right now. I love James Bond. For every detractor who says it's an outdated series which is offensive to women, there's me saying "shut the fuck up, you fucking fuck." James Bond is MEANT to be outdated and borderline offensive to women, that's the whole point. Are you seriously telling me that you have to be offended by stuff like that if it's intentional? Fine, have it your way, I now object to everything starring Jason Statham.
Having said that, I already did, I find his films shit.
Anyway, back in 1967, James Bond Jr. appeared in an unsuccessful novel designed as a spin-off of the main series. Unsurprisingly the book tanked, and the concept of James Bond having any living relatives, while touched upon in the novel "You Only Live Twice", was never really explored again in any significant depth.
That is to say, they didn't until 1991, when American TV networks decided "You know what's cool? TV cartoons based on failed 1960s novels!" and decided to produce an animated series. You can only assume that if TV networks decided to do that more often, there'd be a series based on Tekwar...

Anyway, the TV series of James Bond Junior followed the adventures of Bond's nephew, also named James. With me so far? He's a student at pretentious Warfield Academy along with his friends Gordo Leiter and I.Q, both supposedly the grandchildren of their more famous 007 counterparts, and the headmaster's daughter. Have a guess what their relationship is. If you guessed "She often chastises his crazy schemes but secretly has romantic feelings for him", congratulations to you; you're smarter than a glass of water.

If you'd got the question wrong, this would be you.

The game, based on the cartoon series, promises to take you as James Bond Jr. through a series of 3 zones trying to stop the evil plans of S.C.U.M (I know, fucking imaginative no?) That's right, in case you glossed over that fact, I'll repeat: The game only technically had 3 levels. Technically, isn't the game based on the short story in that case? They've probably got more in common.

To give you an idea of the quality of the in-game graphics, here's a shot of the franchise's most notorious villain, Dr. Derange (which frankly sounds like a terrible 80s wrestler).

In all seriousness, what the fuck was I thinking giving this game the time of day? The nephew of fucking James Bond, the most famous spy of all time, and all they could think of as far as how his enemies would look is that Day-Glo freak? Bollocks. Bear in mind that the SNES was able to run Flashback, a superb graphical experience, as well as a game of considerable length. Compare Flashback to this game, where James Bond Junior's hair seems to be attached permanently to his head, and it seems to paint a different picture.

Never fear though, this is not the only aspect of James Bond Jr's gameplay. After all, a spy wouldn't be a spy without some sort of gadgetry at his disposal. In the case of this game, the gadgetry at his disposal comes in the form of vehicular motion. However, take a look at the screenshot of the vehicle levels, and see if anything becomes instantly familiar.

Looks an awful lot like almost every side-scrolling arcade game doesn't it? Funnily enough, I have a game on my iPod which is more fun than this. It's a not entirely dissimilar concept, you play the role of a cannon which fires at helicopters and parachutists as they try to destroy your cannon. It's more fun for one main reason: I expect shit graphics from an iPod, and as I previously stated, the SNES could run some decent looking games. In this case, it just chose not to.

E14TV - 16/03/2009

It's time once again for another edition of E14TV, collecting together some of our choice videos for the Emotionally Fourteen.

Sunday 15 March 2009

Guilt By Association 2 - Guilt Harder

Inspired by Brad's example, I decided that in the true spirit of E14, I would add in some words of my own in hopes that our readers would have a better idea of what makes us collectively tick. Translated, that means "I intend to take what Brad wrote and try and do it better" (which unofficially is the true spirit of E14). To the interests!

Family Guy

"i get boners from family guy"

Tremendous, good for you... I'm glad that a fictional animated cartoon is sufficiently arousing to your phallus to cause increased blood flow and give you a stiff one. Shame that others are quick to encourage you so often, as a later post shows.

"if i had a dick i'd get a boner too"

Your parents must be so proud.

Incidentally, how is Family Guy allowed to get away with calling their narrative a "Plot Outline"? Don't get me wrong; I love Family Guy. That's why it's even in this section in the first place. However, it is far from being a narrative-driven show. Family Guy always struck me as a different type of TV show than, for example, The Simpsons. In my mind, this is how the two shows play out.

The Simpsons: "Hey, let's write an episode where Homer runs for the city Mayor's job. Along the way, he can do this, meet this person and have this happen to him. Ok, let's make this episode."

Family Guy: "Hey, you know what would really be funny? Watching Stewie take the role of Captain Kirk on the Enterprise, except he and George Takei are totally gay for each other, and then John Madden comes out and says 'FOOTBALL!'" They get about twelve of those together, and then go "Ok, make something out of that."


It's worth noting, incidentally, that Coca-Cola has over 3 million fans on Facebook alone. I am not *officially* one of them, however I would certainly say that I qualify for this group, perhaps even sufficiently to become an admin. After all, with all the Coke I drink, I probably control a majority stake in the company by now. Anyway, with my understanding of Coca-Cola being what it is, I'm still none the wiser as to why someone would write the following:

"Turkey Turkey Turkey Turkey"

See, I've approached it from almost every angle I can think of, and I cannot come up with anything, unless the person talking is telling us his favourite food to accompany his Coke. Four portions of turkey is probably enough to destroy one of his ventricles in one shot to be honest, and caffeine's certainly not going to help.

"I love my Coca/Cola! I would marry it, but I'm already married to my motorcycle!"

I think I saw a TV programme on people who do stuff like that to transport once. It didn't end well for the poor Ford Kia, and not much better for the man who went to an auto show and presumably came until he was internally barren.

Bill Hicks

"Someone should make a group called "The people who hate people club". I would join it."

...And defeat it's reason for existence? See, I considered doing something like this when at university. That, however, was for monetary gain. See, in Fresher's week, I went round the Societies Fair, trying to get an idea of the kind of societies I would be able to join (pretty much any that were cool and/or free). While I was browsing, I came to find out that anybody setting up a society would be given a grant of £500 to set up the society and organise activities.

Armed with this knowledge, I intended to set up the Anti-Society. The beauty of it was that if I set up this society, nobody would be allowed to join it, only speak of it fondly. The difference, then, is that mine was for money, not for Facebook traffic, the ills of which I have spoken of enough, and will doubtlessly do so again soon.

Tuesday 10 March 2009

Music Reviews

More music reviews for you now, with the quality of the entire package judged solely on the cover artwork. It's the only fair way.

Ronan Keating - Songs For My Mother

Before this album came out, I don't think I had ever really appreciated the height of Ronan Keating's head. Look at that. He used to be the best looking straight guy in Boyzone, and now he looks like a ludicrously photoshopped Gary Barlow.

You know, I can think of several people with a) from celebrity and b) from real life with the surname Barlow, but the image that always comes to mind is Mister Barlow from the 1980's TV Series of Salem's Lot. I remember watching that show when I was about nine or ten, and I thought it was really good. Then, for years and years afterwards, I didn't watch it, because I was scared that it was going to be really shitty. I didn't want the reality to shatter the memory I had of it.

Then, one year, when I was in Switzerland I bought it on DVD partly because it was cheap, and partly because I wanted my girlfriend to see it. Then end result? It was awesome! David Soul killing vampires, an evil James Mason and that bird from Die Hard? How could it suck?

So, the moral of the story is, don't deny yourself something because you're worried it'll shatter the memories. Even if it is crap, you'll still have the memories. - 3/10

Peter Doherty - Grace/Wastelands

This is what Gerald Scarfe's turds look like.

Peter Doherty is a very disappointed man. He so, so, so wanted to die young, and become a t-shirt for all time. He worked so hard at it: overrated band collapses? Check. Drug habit? Check. Prison/Drugs/Headlines? Check. Irritating girlfriend? Check. But...all for nothing, because the skinny little ragamuffin is still alive.

When you've failed at dying young (which, let's be honest, has to be pretty fucking easy) - you're probably not going to have the skills for much else. - 5/10

Pestilence - Resurrection Macabre

Pestilence haven't had an album out since 1993. Chances are that most of you will never have fucking heard of them before. But...look upon the glory of this cover.

Sold, boys. Sold. - 10/10

Monday 9 March 2009

Welcome to E14 TV!

A new weekly compilation of music, cartoons, comedy and all kinds of crazy stuff that should appeal to the Emotionally Fourteen. Each episode runs for approximately 30 minutes, so sit back, and enjoy

Friday 6 March 2009

Guilt By Association

You know that special feeling you get when you find a new band you really like? Or when you see a great film for the first time that you truly speaks to you; either because of a deep seated spiritual connection, or because it features a zombie fighting a shark?

Did you then talk to people about this new thing...pleased that you were the one who found it? It's a nice feeling, isn't it?

The Internet has given us many great things, but in this instance, it leads to two of life's greatest disappointments:

1) You are not the only person to have seen The Evil Dead/heard of White Zombie/read Preacher.

2) Most of the other people who like the same stuff of you are complete dicks.

What's more, you will find yourself disliking said item, because you do not want to be associated with the kind of people who do like it.

Here, culled from FaceBook (it's kind of like MySpace, only with a superiority complex), are some of the dumbest things ever said about the awesome things in your life. Warning: You may hate everything you have ever loved after reading this article.


"with all the comic book crossover i have an idea for a darkhorse dynamite crossove freddy vs aliens vs jason vs predator vs ash vs terminator
the war between the aliens and the predator spills on to elm street so hell sends freddy and jason to deal with them freddy and jason risk endanger the future so the terminators are sent back to deal with them and ash of army of darkness gets involved because one of the predators wants that book as a trophy"

An American Werewolf In London

"my wife has never seen it, so going to make her watch it if baby is overdue haha"

Beavis and Butthead

"lol my gf's last namd is beavis lmfao"

Beef Jerky

"I LOVE Beef Jerky. I've been making it for more than 20 years. I love Beef Jerky so much, I started an ALL NATURAL Beef Jerky company."

(What wasn't natural about beef and time, anyway?)

Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds

"why did you master your last two albums so loud? the music is so good. but it hurts to listen to."

Father Ted

"FECK ARSE WOMAN!!!!! Love this show!!!"

"its feck arse girls, not woman"

Robert A. Heinlein

"Did 9/11 diminish the value of "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress"?""

Jack Daniel's Whiskey

"easy jack not seen you in a long time but i promis i will soon mate"

Pirates of the Caribbean

"I am from turkey...I am scanty to know english...many beautiful one film...yes captain Jack S...:d"



"I have a Relentless Pyramid with 93 Cans yaaaay"


"Robocop does not discriminate and neither should you Casis. Just because you are from London and Robocop doesnt defend you there is not reason for you to be a hater."

That 70s Show

"this show is me and my friends, were all there muhahaha gotta love it"

"I dont know what is it =$"

"they tried to make a that 80's show, but it was absoloutley terrible."

The Warriors


Robocop: Not a hater

Thursday 5 March 2009

Monday 2 March 2009

Newsfalsh! - March 4th, 2009

Welcome to "Newsfalsh", one of E14's newest features. In it, we will be taking a cynical look over the news stories happening around the time. Incidentally, for those curious, the name "Newsfalsh" comes from the show Muffin the Mule in the 1940s and 1950s. This was a simpler time, a time where puppets could be shonkily made, and the entire child-based audience could scream "We want Muffin" without paedophiles creaming in their pants.

Here, then, is the news.

Protest Officers Seized balloons

So it seems that the Kingsnorth Power Station protesters will literally look for any excuse to have a whinge. Apparently, by searching people entering the protest camp and confiscating some random items, Kent Police have overstepped their boundaries. Included among the items are balloons, books, blankets, a walking stick, soap and a clown outfit.

Let me just repeat that last sentence in case that didn't sink in. Included among the items are balloons, books, blankets, a walking stick, soap and a clown outfit. Yeah, you read right the first time. Someone attempted to enter the camp carrying a concealed clown outfit.

My only question of course may seem obvious. Why do you need a clown outfit at a protest? Is there seriously a protester now saying "Oh god, they've taken my clown outfit. Now my protest will never be taken seriously!" In all seriousness, maybe they're doing you a favour by saving you the indignity of protesting and simultaneously looking like a cunt in a clown outfit.

Later in the article, David Howarth, an MP for Cambridge (he's a politician, it's ok to ignore his opinion), says that "You have to have a really creative imagination to think these items might be involved in committing a crime." The creative imagination would certainly explain why one of the attached pictures to the article is a confiscated Crayola activity pack.

China 'Patriot' sabotages auction

A man representing the Chinese National Treasures Fund has informed French authorities that he will not be paying for an auction he won, as the items were stolen from China in 1860 by French and British forces.

The auction was set up from the estate of Yves Saint-Laurent and his partner, and came to 15m Euros. Cai Mingchao has stated that he has no intention of paying for the statues, as they were stolen from China.

After reading this article, I only wish that the auction had been set up on eBay. They've given me suspicious warnings in the past for selling genuine items as fakes when they're not. Imagine the feedback ramifications of selling stolen Chinese statues. I think they need to be taken down a peg or two anyway. Plus, think of all the fees they'd miss out on.

This last one is somewhat of a personal choice. Like so many of us, I found myself troubled by the closure of every Woolworth's store in the UK over Christmas this year, but found myself troubled that I could not recall the last time I found something useful (besides a random 4 port USB hub I found in there for £2, but I don't count that because their own brand £4 hub, one of which I purchased, is completely fucking useless) at a Woolworths store.

Nevertheless, I found myself hit by a pang of sadness when the stores finally closed. However, that pang was severely underpowered compared to the pang when I realised that some fucking idiot had spent £14,000 on the last circulating bag of Woolworth's Pic N' Mix. Fine, it went to a good cause, but somebody willingly bought a bag of sweets for £14,000. See, Brad and I may talk of being Emotionally Fourteen, but there are varying degrees, and good and bad examples of each. This is the latter.

However, the article that properly caught my eye was an editor at the BBC finally asking the question:
What was so special about Woolworth's?

See, this article encapsulates my feelings in such a way that I almost felt like the writer had lifted the thoughts directly from my head. At least, that was my initial impression, until I read on and found more than I could possibly have imagined there would be. Of course there is; journalists have access to this thing called "the public", and God bless them for that.

It starts off innocently enough, when they ask an old lady who used Woolworths for embroidery supplies, who then goes on to talk about how the chain had lost its way, but unlike Marks & Spencer was unable to reclaim its former glory. All well and good, so far no major surprises here. Her only downfall is that she went in for a Barbie pencil case and ended up with three pairs of rubber gloves and a diary, a haul worthy of the afternoon shift outside Kingsnorth power station's protest camp.

Upon first glance, the article reads like a perfectly normal piece of journalism, with the writer continuing to interview other customers on their way out of the store, such as a 30-year old student who goes there for stationery, but on this occasion has left with sweets. With such focus and determination, she'll go far. Notice also so far that NOBODY has found anything they were looking for. Not so hard to imagine why Woolworth's has gone up the spout now is it?

Then I read on, and found the thoughts of Fouad Mohammed, who comes out with toys for his children. Absolutely innocent, yes? Let's read on.
"I go there about three times a week, usually for kids clothes like a Spiderman outfit and there's a good selection of toys".
Woah there Fouad Mohammed of South London, let's not allow ourselves the remotest chance of glossing over what you just said. You went there three times a week for clothes like a Spiderman outfit? Be honest though, how often did you find yourself actually leaving with a Spiderman outfit?

That many times eh? Look, all I'm saying is that one of three scenarios is playing out before our very eyes. The first, more likely scenario is that it's an unintentional implication from the structure of the sentence. The second is that his children are very rough and tumble kids, and go through many clothes, including their prized superhero costume. It's either one of those two, or Fouad Mohammed of South London has to face up to the very real possibility that his youngest son IS Spiderman.

After all this time, Spiderman was a small child in South London. What are the odds?


Welcome to the first episode of E14 TV!

A new weekly compilation of music, cartoons, comedy and all kinds of crazy stuff that should appeal to the Emotionally Fourteen. Each episode runs for approximately 30 minutes, so sit back, and enjoy!