Tuesday, 17 March 2009

Music Reviews

Pet Shop Boys - Yes, etc.

I find it hard to believe that Pet Shop Boys haven't yet been outlawed by the Geneva Convention. What the fuck have they ever produced that didn't set your teeth on edge straight away? Every single track, every chord, every synth setting makes me feel like I'm being gnawed on the back of my neck by an exceedingly effeminate hamster.

The thing is, Pet Shop Boys are a joke, but a joke that has been around so long that every is now starting to think that they're actually an important part of musical history, rather than what actually amounts to a sequel to The Village People. - 1/10

Papa Roach - Metamorphosis

If you're going to try and do some rock star poses, whilst actually being false metallers yourselves, it is very important to consider the composition of the band as a whole. Look at the two guys on the left - the singer and the guitarist...now, consider this...

"SHO-RYU-KEN!" - 2/10






Delta Spirit - Ode To Sunshine

This cover is scarily reminiscent of a recurring dream I used to have involving a fishing trip with Rutger Hauer.

It would start the same way, with me eating winkles on the beach, when all of a sudden, I'd realise that the guy looking through the little pay-telescope was Rutger Hauer, star of movies such as Ladyhawke and The Hitcher. "Hello." I would say to him, "Aren't you Rutger Hauer, star of movies such as Wedlock and Beyond Justice?"

"Yes," he'd reply, in that gravelly vaguelly accented voice of his. "I'm just down here on a fishing trip, taking a break from shooting my latest film. I play a man in a trenchcoat who points a shotgun threateningly at Mad Max style villains. I'm about to hire a boat and do some fishing. Would you like to come with me?"

Of course, I would accept. Who could turn down the chance to go fishing with Rutger Hauer, star of such movies as Split Second and Omega Doom? We would hire out a little craft, and soon we were sailing across the seas, trolling the weight across the ocean floor, laughing heartily whilst he regaled me with stories of his time spent filming such classics as Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Hostile Waters.

Then, he'd leave me holding the line whilst I reflected on our strange new found friendship. Who knew that the chance meeting of a young boy and a Dutch B-Movie actor could lead to such a wonderful friendship? And what was this strange feeling he gave me in my stomach whenever he was near?

Then, Rutger would pop up from below deck, dressed only in a pair of small swimming shorts, a glass of beer in one hand and fine Cuban cigar in the other. Smiling at me he'd say heartily "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the darkness at Tan Hauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain...", then he'd reach over and turn on the radio, and we'd hear the soft sound of The Village People's "Go West".

The sun would be glittering up off the waves as he'd come stand beside me, staring off into the horizon together, his muscular arm draped across my shoulders. I'd be struck with the feeling that this was the way that life should be - the feeling of the sea air, the gentle sway of the boat, and the strong, comforting friendship of Rutger Hauer, star of movies such as Turbulence III: Heavy Metal and Minotaur, as we laughed and played together under the setting sun. Then I'd wake up and find that at some point during the night I'd sneezed all over my balls. - 5/10

3 comments:

  1. Further to my comments on the post 'Guilt By Association 2 - Guilt Harder', where my suspicions were first aroused about the latent homo-erotic undertones of this blog, these three album reviews have now confirmed my suspicions that Brad and Rob are actually using 'Emotionally Fourteen' as a means of quietly 'coming out of the closet'.

    Come on, boys! Stop beating around the bush (so to speak) and reveal your true rainbow-coloured selves to the world! Show us just how marvellous you really are! This ironic disdain for the Pet Shop Boys and revelations about homo-erotic dreams about the star of such films as 'Blind Fury' and 'Bone Daddy' is so much tissue in the wind in the face of your fabulous true selves! JUST COME OUT ALREADY!!!

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  2. There isn't a straight man alive who'd turn down a fishing trip with Rutger Hauer.

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