Monday 26 August 2013

Sour Crouch Says...Be Excited For Outlast

Words: Sour Crouch

Greetings, good people of the Internet. More specifically, you Row A...the one with the big nose and the bum bag. Yeah...come on...oh never mind.

Alright, fine, the rest of you.

To give an outline of my daily doings I will say this - I am a creature of the Internet and most if not every morning I will "do the dailies" which consists of…actually, let’s not go there in too much depth.

Questionable Tor browsing aside, I visit Youtube an absolute ton and my subscriptions feature a slew of, for lack of a better term, "let's players", from the notable ones (Pewdiepie) to the up and coming (Markiplier) all the way to the downright obscure (Myself).

Today, Pewdiepie reminded me that I should be excited for something other than going out and getting wankered. The something in question:


Outlast is an upcoming survival horror game saved for the highest echelons of masochistic players. The rundown is as follows: One guy, alone in an asylum with nothing but a video camera and above-average free running skills to navigate the halls. Oh yeah, naturally...everything wants you dead!

Anybody who has played Amnesia: The Dark Descent will be right at home with this set-up. At least, they'll think they are. You see, the thing about Outlast is that it seems to revel in the chase. You remember all those times when the grizzled man-thing (I wish I knew the actual name...for now I'll refer to them as Bronsons because reasons) from Amnesia catches sight of you, that weird feedback-like noise fills your earphones and you're promptly reminded why you're scared to go out in the hallway after 9pm?

Fortunately for Amnesia fans there were periods of respite, with rest stops along the way to save you from the Bronson-induced fuckstorms your heart has to endure. Ignorantly all I can say from seeing various playthroughs of the PAX East demo is that you don't get those rest stops as frequently. In fact, I'd go so far as to say the game is dissonance incarnate.

And that’s good....right? After all, it's the tension that proves to be the most horrifying thing about many of these games. I mean, I know that the thought that something is out there generally terrifies me more than actually dealing with said beastie. It's like the thought of fucking someone you've been fervently masturbating over for months only to find out they're terrible in the sack. Some would prefer to continue fervently masturbating and never know.

The full schpiel reads:

"In the remote mountains of Colorado, Horrors wait inside Mount Massive Asylum. A long-abandoned home for the mentally ill, recently re-opened by the "research and charity" Branch of the transnational Murkoff Corporation, has been operating in strict secrecy...until now.

Acting on a tip from an inside source, independent journalist Miles Upshur breaks into the facility and what he discovers walks a terrifying line between science and religion, nature and something else entirely. Once inside, his only hope of escape lies with the terrible truth at the heart of Mount Massive”

Naturally, I can only speak for Sour Crouch, but I'm filled with thoughts of walking down murky halls, the cries of inmates or Lovecraft-esque beasties surrounding the hapless Miles. Yeah…exploring every nook and cranny to piece together the grim story of the house and its inhabitants.

So I watch the video and I am filled with warm memories of deliberately brown-trousering myself on Amnesia, SCP Containment Breach and the grandaddy of indie horror, Slender: The Eight Pages. Outlast appears to have the tension nailed to your scrotum whilst it's looking up at you gently tapping the head playfully.

Sour Crouch likes the sound of Outlast. This has been he. If you like the look of Outlast, you can pre-order it here!

Tuesday 20 August 2013

Brad and Rob Talk....Star Wars: Episode VII

For fans of the Saga, the news recently has been rife with rumours and speculation about the future of the Star Wars series. Not to be outdone, and basing their opinions purely on their own experiences with the franchise, our very own Brad Harmer and Rob Wade decided to have a chat about what they want the movies to be about, as well as a bit of fantasy casting. Enjoy.

Rob : So Brad, what would you want Episode VII to be about?
Brad: A part of Star Wars that won't *fuck up* thirty-odd years of EU canon.
Rob : Go into more depth. What *won't* work?
Brad: I don't Solo or Skywalker families.
Rob : You accidentally a word there?
Brad: Sorry, *want Solo or Skywalker families.
Rob : I occasionally that.
Brad: I rarely to be fair.
Rob : Point.
Brad: Anyway, I don't want a superweapon.
Rob : Ok, so you can pretty much throw out 90% of the EU. Any particular reason? Because I feel like Darksaber would make a good movie.
Brad: I don't want cheeky, crass references to the original, like Abrams desperately buttfucked into the Star Trek remake.
Rob : Ok.
Brad: I started out really optimistic about it, but I am now pretty sure that it's going to be a clusterfuck.

Rob : So my original question remains. What would you make it about?
Brad: There's only one thing it can be about: Vader.
Rob : Alright.
Brad: The movies are Anakin's saga.
Rob : So Galactic Civil War? Specifically, the early days thereof?
Brad: No, it can be hundreds of years after, if it wants to. It just needs to revolve around Vader. Maybe he goes Exar Kun on someone.
Rob : Ahhh, ok. I was about to ask how you saw that working. See, this delivery method of story makes it difficult to ask my follow-up question.
Brad: Which was going to be what?
Rob : Casting it. So far, your cast is: Vader…
Brad: Yeah…
Rob : And some prick Vader is bothering.
Brad: Right.

Rob : Anyway, so who's your Vader?
Brad: James Earl Jones
Rob : ...Voice only?
Brad: Well, yeah...he'll be a Force Ghost, won't he?
Rob : So are you going to just have him in the a Force Ghost?
Brad: I guess.
Rob : Ok.
Brad: Or just a voice.
Rob : So who's he bothering?
Brad: Some bloke.
Rob : So who have you got in mind for said bloke?
Brad: No idea. What's your concept for Episode VII, then?
Rob : I'd like to see a movie dealing with the first stirrings of the Rebellion, sort of set between The Force Unleashed and A New Hope.
Brad: Right…
Rob : But focused on completely separate characters to the main story arc. So you can have your Lando Calrissians and your Bail Organas, but they're passing mentions or interactions.
Brad: That actually sounds good.

Rob : So maybe make the characters a group of rebels setting up/defending a base on a planet. Like that AWESOME episode of The Clone Wars where they're defending a base from the Separatists.
Brad: Yeah, that works. Unfortunately, it's glitching at ONE minor point for me.
Rob : Go for it.
Brad: Episode VII will come *after* Episode VI. They've said they're doing spin-offs, so your idea is valid. But not for whatever Episode VII will be.
Rob : Ahh right. Ok, so let me think…
Brad: Don’t strain yourself. This is all for fun.
Rob : There's a storyline that's not been done with regards to VI and EU. Boba Fett between Return of the Jedi and Dark Empire.
Brad: Ok
Rob : I can see that happening for three reasons:

  1. The Internet has a massive wanger on for Boba Fett.
  2. It's not been done before, and doesn't shit on the EU.
  3. Dengar.
Brad: Good move.

Rob : Ok, so let's work on the assumption that Episode VII deals with the Boba Fett storyline. Casting. Have we ever had anyone as Dengar, in terms of our own fantasy casting?
Brad: No.
Rob : Ok. Christoph Waltz.
Brad: That works.
Rob : I figure he needs to be more dialogue-heavy than in The Empire Strikes Back (for obvious reasons), and Waltz does dialogue really well. He has a good look that wouldn't look out of place in those robes either.
Brad: Ok, so Boba Fett?
Rob : We can probably just use the dude from AOTC. Temeura Morrison (Thanks IMDB!)
Brad: Works.
Rob : Right, so after 2 or so hours, we've got a Dengar/Boba Fett buddy movie.
Brad: *fistbump*
Rob : I...hang on. Ok, Chad says "Ship it".

Thursday 15 August 2013

Sour Crouch Says....Play Attack on Titan

Words: Sour Crouch

Hey you. Yeah, the one staring at me, all googly-eyed. I know what you're thinking and you're right, but now isn't the time for tissues and spaff. Pornhub will still be there in 5 minutes. Believe me. I’m counting on it.

Free Games Incoming!

This'll only be the briefest of ramblings. I promise. Today, splendidly, I have stumbled upon something that has managed to steal my attention away for more than 5 minutes. This may not sound important, but I must attest that it is *always* important when I am so transfixed in a game that I fail to remember to shit, shave or masturbate (the three activities I find take up most of my time).

The game that I am warbling on about is called Attack on Titan, a basic hack n' slash made in the Unity engine.

I sense a synopsis!

So Attack on Titan is based on a manga (more details of which can be found here), set in an apocalyptic wasteland besieged by gigantic humanoid creatures who enjoy recreational activities which primarily involve either squishing the remaining humans into the ground or devouring them. At some point, walls were erected to keep the nasties out and inevitably the walls failed. Your mission as the player is simple: chop the living shit out of the variously sized meat machines whilst avoiding many foul attempts on your life.

Fairly standard fare, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Now, you have certain tools at your disposal for giving the Titans hell:

  1. Two samurai swords for cleaving
  2. Some ninja hooks for travel/escape

And lo, oh Player of*you* can achieve this most holy of goals by slicing into a big throbbing weak spot on the back of their noggins. Sound easy? Simple, right? You've done this before. The Legend of Zelda...Shadow of the Colossus...God of see the picture I'm building up here?


Not only do you have to do this 32 times, you have to do it whilst dodging the many gaudy attempts the Titans make at squishy-squishy, your only defense from this being the tried and true method of "spidermanning" yourself through a cityscape with nothing but your guile, dexterity and ninja hooks to save you from excruciating and almost certain death. It’s ultimately the mechanics which make this game so entertaining to play. The Titans will punch, lunge and belly flop you out of existence and you'll be pressing T (to respawn) an awful lot.

I'm not one for manga, but by no means do you need to have watched AoT's counterpart to enjoy the game, it's good skill-based killing that'll (hopefully) have you as stuck to your screen as I am. I guess what I'm trying to get at…in a roundabout way…is that basically…

You're going to die a lot. What’s more, you're going to like it.

Here's the game.

If you like the game, drop them a line. Tell them Sour fucking Crouch from emotionally14 sent you. This has been he.

Monday 12 August 2013

E14 Presents - Claymore Division!

Today, E14 is proud to bring you the first episode of Claymore Division, a new segment starring our very own Brad Harmer and Omer Ibrahim. In their inaugural episode, they bring you reviews of the latest military history releases. Check out the video, and let us know what you think in the comments below!