Thursday 15 August 2013

Sour Crouch Says....Play Attack on Titan

Words: Sour Crouch

Hey you. Yeah, the one staring at me, all googly-eyed. I know what you're thinking and you're right, but now isn't the time for tissues and spaff. Pornhub will still be there in 5 minutes. Believe me. I’m counting on it.

Free Games Incoming!

This'll only be the briefest of ramblings. I promise. Today, splendidly, I have stumbled upon something that has managed to steal my attention away for more than 5 minutes. This may not sound important, but I must attest that it is *always* important when I am so transfixed in a game that I fail to remember to shit, shave or masturbate (the three activities I find take up most of my time).

The game that I am warbling on about is called Attack on Titan, a basic hack n' slash made in the Unity engine.

I sense a synopsis!

So Attack on Titan is based on a manga (more details of which can be found here), set in an apocalyptic wasteland besieged by gigantic humanoid creatures who enjoy recreational activities which primarily involve either squishing the remaining humans into the ground or devouring them. At some point, walls were erected to keep the nasties out and inevitably the walls failed. Your mission as the player is simple: chop the living shit out of the variously sized meat machines whilst avoiding many foul attempts on your life.

Fairly standard fare, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Now, you have certain tools at your disposal for giving the Titans hell:

  1. Two samurai swords for cleaving
  2. Some ninja hooks for travel/escape

And lo, oh Player of*you* can achieve this most holy of goals by slicing into a big throbbing weak spot on the back of their noggins. Sound easy? Simple, right? You've done this before. The Legend of Zelda...Shadow of the Colossus...God of see the picture I'm building up here?


Not only do you have to do this 32 times, you have to do it whilst dodging the many gaudy attempts the Titans make at squishy-squishy, your only defense from this being the tried and true method of "spidermanning" yourself through a cityscape with nothing but your guile, dexterity and ninja hooks to save you from excruciating and almost certain death. It’s ultimately the mechanics which make this game so entertaining to play. The Titans will punch, lunge and belly flop you out of existence and you'll be pressing T (to respawn) an awful lot.

I'm not one for manga, but by no means do you need to have watched AoT's counterpart to enjoy the game, it's good skill-based killing that'll (hopefully) have you as stuck to your screen as I am. I guess what I'm trying to get at…in a roundabout way…is that basically…

You're going to die a lot. What’s more, you're going to like it.

Here's the game.

If you like the game, drop them a line. Tell them Sour fucking Crouch from emotionally14 sent you. This has been he.

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