Justin Bieber
My Worlds
Rob: What's with the purple discharge?
Brad: I'm not 100 per cent certain I know what a Justin Bieber is, you know.
Rob: I've heard the name, but that's about it. My instincts say "homo".
Brad: Is he like some sort of New Donny Osmond on the Block for the Spongebob Generation?
Rob: That seems probable given his look. That slightly-cleaner-than-he-should-be-at-twelve-years-old look.
Brad: He's twelve?
Rob: Oh, probably. Look at him!
Brad: Cute young boys will bring out one of two emotions in every single male. Either sexual arousal (bad), or a desire to crush the pretty little boy who’s diverting all the ladies attention away from a) our collection of vanquished enemies skulls and b) our genitals (good). All I know about Justin Bieber is that I could snap him like a twig.
Rob: Mmm.
Brad: One think I’ll say about Justin, though. He looks sharp. He looks keen. He’s leaning into the camera as if to say: “No, I am not a Hellspawn. I am a cute all-American boy, and I want your ovaries.”. Would you buy this? I mean, you do suck. That's all.
Rob: Dude, how long have you known me?
Brad: Three years? Long enough to class you as "Social Tumor" rather than "friend".
Rob: Dude, it's coming up to five. You're an idiot.
Brad: No way!
Rob: Way!
Brad: We met in 2005? Fo shizzle?
Rob: Yeah, October.
Brad: You have the day we met marked down in your calendar? I'm getting a little creeped out. Can we go back to picking on the Bieber?
Rob: It's not difficult, it was October 1st. Rock N Rant.
Brad: Rock N who?
Rob: That thing you used to run.
Brad: I'm impressed you can remember the date, to be honest. I suppose it's easier when you get booked to do less gigs.
Rob: I'm pretty sure it's October 1st.
Brad: I have no evidence to the contrary. Or a desire to disprove. 1st of October it is. Happy Anniversary! Score?
Rob: Can I give negative scores?
Brad: You're negative about everything.
Rob: Point. Fine, then a 1/10.
Brad: 4/10. Hellbride has set the benchmark for 1s for me.
Meat Loaf
Hang Cool Teddy Bear
Brad: I really suspect that this happens inside Meat Loaf's head a lot.
Rob: I wonder who the emaciated bones belong to. Maybe the teddy bear?
Brad: Jim Steinman's self-respect, maybe? Is that a pinecone in the bottom left?
Rob: Either that or a novelty lampshade.
Brad: Meat Loaf's lost a lot of weight. And he looks a lot more like a cow's skull than he used to. I think this is a concept album.
Rob: Maybe. If the concept is "Let's go for the most irrelevant album cover possible."
Brad: Here's what I think the story is:
Rob: These are always fun, go for it.
Brad: There's an aging, overweight rocker, and he's desperate to make a comeback album - preferably without Jim Steinman's help this time. But all his songs blow, and all the album lacks punch. So, realising it's a turkey, he creeps into Marillion's head offices and steals a load of their draft album covers. He then cuts and pastes them together into this, and people without sense and taste in music buy it.
Brad: Better than your origami giraffe solving crimes or whatever the fuck it was.
Brad: That's really more of a Coheed and Cambria thing, dude. I've just noticed something.
Rob: Right...
Brad: Everything there looks relatively post-apocalyptic/sci-fi-ish...
Rob: Right...
Brad: ...except there's a scimitar there really fucking things up.
Rob: That's a fair point...but living in Brighton as I do, there are weapons shops everywhere, dude.
Brad: A scimitar totally unaffected by the lighting or perspective employed in the rest of the painting. Wait...are you trying to say this is a post-apocalyptic Brighton?
Rob: Well, there's "Wood" in the background, which I would assume is Hollywood
or Farthing Wood.
Brad: ***"WOOD" JOKE***. Score?
Rob: 5/10
Brad: 10/10
Rob: 10?!
Brad: I'd do the girl in the middle. I'd hate to offend her by rating her album poorly.
Rob: I'd do the one on the left, so that works out well.
Brad: You have a thing for gingers.
Rob: I know, weird isn't it?
Brad: Not really. A lot of people like disabled girls.
Brad: To be fair, though, the other one is Amy Adams, and I challenge anyone to watch a film with her in and not want to do her
Brad: Have I seen her in anything? One sec, I'll look.
Brad: Fuck off, did I.
**time passes**
Brad: She was in an episode of That 70s Show. I've probably seen it. She played "Gorgeous Woman" in The Pick of Destiny...
Rob: Sounds like a good cast. Did Jack Black's character get credited as "Hit and Miss comedy actor?"
Brad: Is Charlie Wilson's War anything to do with the Pat Mills comic Charlie's War?
Rob: I very much doubt it.
Brad: The only things I've seen her in were many years ago, and she had very small parts. Photos make her look at least "doable" though. Back to the artwork!
The Lancashire Hotpots
Criminal Record
Brad: Does this band strike you as familiar?
Rob: They do, rather. Have we reviewed one of their covers before?
Brad: Well done. Their Christmas album was reviewed by us in December.
Rob: I did wonder. And the novelty's not worn off? Good for them.
Brad: Hah! A The Usual Suspects cover parody! Jesus, you've got to be in a really stupid and trite band to go for that one. *whistles nonchalantly*
Rob: Indeed....I've just noticed something.
Brad: You're a homosexual? 'Cause we've been waiting so long for you to notice.
Rob: Do those wallchart things really go as low as three feet?
Brad: I've never stood in front of one. You'd be the expert there. I suppose they must use them for dwarf related crimes as well. It would be a rather stupid waste of money to have a seperate room just for midgets.
Rob: A thought occurs...surely the idea of casting a massive light on them to the point that their shadows would be taller than them would defeat the point of trying to get a good picture?
Brad: You know what would be stupider than that? Digitally altering the shadows to make them even larger.
Rob: Mmmm.
Brad: Track Five is called: Sniffling Next Doors Broadband. I'm going to look them up on Spotify.
**time passes**
Brad: It's "comedy" rock.
Rob: Yeah, those quotation marks seem pretty necessary.
Brad: They have really strong Lancashire accents. Song titles include: I Fear Ikea, I Met A Girl On MySpace and Me PSP. Switched off at the 1:35 mark. Score?
Rob: 3/10. A hilarious novelty three, though.
Brad: 8/10. An eight was the closest I could come to "Jihad" in numbers.
Big Fun
A Pocketful of Dreams
Brad: Rob?
Rob: Yeah?
Brad: Remember that plan you had, back in the nineties, to clone Jason Donovan?
Rob: Yeah...
Brad: Um...they're back.
Rob: Totally didn't work...
Brad: And they have a pocketful of dreams. And they want fun. And Chinos.
Rob: I always found it easier to carry a satchel of dreams. That way I always have a bit left over even if I need to spend a large amount.
Brad: I've never found any dreams in my pocket. Crumbs, tissue remnants and 2p pieces, yes. Dreams, no.
Rob: I hate 2p pieces.
Brad: I hate you.
Rob: 2p pieces hate you, so the trinity is complete.
Brad: I did wonder. It explains a lot. Why do you hate 2p pieces?
Rob: I just find them inexplicably pointless. I figure they're only about so charities can get donations in newsagents.
Brad: These guys seem keen. I'm thinking they're another one of Christianity's attempts to infiltrate this thing called "pop music". Something about their enthusiasm and Aryan apperance says "churchy". It's how it goes. You burn a church, they give you "Mosh For Jesus" or something.
Rob: Is this a new album then? Or a re-issue?
Brad: I have no idea and I can't be fucked to research. I'm just here to do the jokes, dude.
Rob: When do they start?
Brad: I can't compete with your quality gags tonight, dude. You're killing. I've been in a band for three years now. I can guarantee you the guy on the left is farting on the guy in the middle. Farts are like commas in a rehearsal room.
Rob: I find farts to be like comas. Before you know it, you're in the middle of one, and you'd be forgiven for thinking there's no end in sight. Sadly, there already has been.
Brad: Score?
Rob: 7/10
Brad: 4/10
Realmbuilder
Summon the Stone Throwers
Rob: I know this is an album cover, but it could just as easily be a videogame.
Brad: I'm sorry about criticising the Meat Loaf album for its flagrant disregard for perspective. The presumably normal sized man stands agape at a herd of miniature horses whilst a massive fucking wolf creeps up behind him.
Rob: Is he holding a lemon zester in his left hand?
Brad: That or a zoeotrope.
Rob: ...
Brad: ...
Rob: ...
Brad: WHO THE FUCK PAINTED THIS? This is quite possibly the shittest painting I have ever seen.
Rob: You've clearly forgotten about my lolHitler. Not a painting as such, but done with Paint Shop Pro.
Brad: The wind is so strong it's completely peeled the hair from the right side of his head.
Rob: It's a poor comb-over, no doubt. Plus that pickaxe is probably actually a broadsword.
Brad: I thought at first that wolf was looking threatening, but on closer inspection, he just looks awkward, like he's accidentally walked into someone's photograph. What do you think this is a concept album about? For there can surely be no doubt this is a concept album.
Rob: I reckon it's a curve ball, and it's actually about basketball.
Brad: Go on.
Rob: Picture the scene. He always wanted to be a professional basketball player, unfortunately he was drawn out of perspective to the rest of his village, and was drawn three feet tall. Undeterred, he vowed to travel to a land where everything was drawn poorly, armed only with implements he grabbed on his way out of the garage and/or kitchen. Then he put one of those turtle shells from Mario Kart on his back, and off he went.
Brad: I wouldn't buy that, but I probably would borrow it from Blake or Omer.
Rob: ...
Brad: ...
Rob: ...
Brad: DID YOU PAINT THIS? IS THIS YOUR BAND, ROB?
Rob: No...
Brad: IS THIS HOW YOU GET EXPOSURE, SNEAKING IT ON TO THE REVIEW PILE?
Rob: Sadly, mine was the Sensational Jason Donovan Clone Band.
Brad: Oh. This must be mine, then.
Four of Thailand’s hottest new directors and masters of the macabre – Paween Purikitpanya (Body), Yongyoot Thongkongtoon (Best Of Times; Metrosexual; Iron Ladies) and the co-directing team responsible for Shutter, Banjong Pisanthanakun and Parkpoom Wongpoom – come together to serve up a fresh feast of fear in the horror anthology, Phobia, coming to DVD in May 2010.
Yongyoot Thongkongtoon kicks things off with Happiness, a dialogue-free instalment featuring a teenage girl, housebound due to injuries received in a taxi accident, whose only connection to the outside world is via her mobile phone. Another boring evening starts to look promising when she begins receiving friendly text messages from a mysterious boy. Things take a turn for the worse when it becomes apparent that the texts are being sent from beyond the grave by a lonely corpse and he’s very keen to meet up...with...
In Tit For Tat a group of dope-smoking school bullies face bloody, Final Destination-style retribution when their latest victim, a fellow student, seeks revenge via black magic and a terrifying curse from which there is no escape. Or is there? Paween Purikitpanya’s hyper-kinetic directing style, unexpectedly creative death scenes and generous helpings of gore deliver a thrilling tale with a suitably gruesome pay-off.
A self-referential horror-comedy that manages to give passing nods to Titanic, The Sixth Sense, The Others and the director’s own Shutter, amongst others, Banjong Pisanthanakun’s In The Middle even has one character posing the question: “Why are ghosts always females with white faces and long, straight dark hair?” That’s definitely not the case in this story of four youths on a camping and white river rafting trip that takes a creepy turn when one of their number goes missing after their dinghy capsizes.
Directed by Parkpoom Wongpoom, Last Flight takes the movie’s shock factor to new heights as the sole stewardess on a flight taking home the body of a deceased princess is haunted, mid-air, by the woman whose marriage she wrecked and who she accidentally killed.
Phobia will be released on DVD (£12.99) by Icon Home Entertainment on 10th May 2010.
Prepare yourself for a racy riot of buxom brawling babes, ballistic bedlam, crazed catfights and gratuitous sapphic romps in Bitch Slap, a sassy celebration and post-modern parody of 1950s, 60s and 70s exploitation movies.
Imagine Sin City produced by Roger Corman, directed by Russ Meyer – and shot in glorious Technicolor rather than dull monochrome! – and you’ll have some idea of what Bitch Slap is all about.
Directed by Corman protégé Rick Jacobson, starring a trio of titillating temptresses in the form of Julia Voth, Erin Cummings and America Olivo, and co-starring Xena/Hercules alumni Michael Hurst, Kevin Sorbo, Lucy Lawless and Renee O’Connor, along with Quentin Tarantino’s stunt woman of choice Zoe Bell (Inglourious Basterds; Death Proof; Kill Bill), this is pure, sexy, mindless cinematic carnage from sensational start to explosive finish.
The plot follows three badass chicks – stripper Trixie (Voth), corporate powerbroker Hel (Cummings)and psychotic drug-runner Camero (Olivo) – as they crash at a remote desert hideaway with a plan to steal $200 million in diamonds from a ruthless underworld kingpin. But as allegiances change and bitter truths are revealed, the girls’ plan spirals dangerously out of control, forcing them to face a variety of villains much worse than themselves and leaving the very fate of the world in the balance.
Bitch Slap (cert. 18) will be released on DVD (£15.99) by Momentum Pictures on 19th April 2010. Special Features include: 94-minute 'Behind Bitch Slap: Building a Better B-Movie' feature; trailer; optional English subtitles for the hard of hearing.
Thanks to our friends at Momentum Pictures, we've got two copies of Bitch Slap to give away! For your chance of winning one, send us an e-mail to e14competition@yahoo.co.uk with your name and postal address before midday on Friday 23rd April (UK time). The first two names drawn out of the electronic hat will win a free copy!
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