Monday 19 April 2010


Welcome once again to Newsfalsh!, E14's pick of the weird and wonderful goings-on of the planet we call 'home'.

I'm well aware that we had one of these last week, but the last couple of months have been particularly good for weird and wonderful news stories, so I thought I'd share some of the others that have come our way over the last couple of months.

Just a quick one first: some hedgehogs deemed
'too fat' to survive in the wild have finally been released into the wild after losing enough weight to make them less vulnerable to predators.

Nice to know that scientists and eco-do-gooders aren't twiddling their thumbs, eh? Cancer is still rampant, and people are still deciding that hedgehogs having one too many Twix bars is more important. I cannot understand why we get involved in this stuff. It's like when people whinge about pandas not wanting to fuck other pandas, and trying to force them to find each other sexy. It's called Natural Selection. If the hedgehogs eat so much cat food that they can't function, it's their own stupid fault.

George Washington
has $300,000 worth of library fines after taking out two books in 1789. My first question was: how the fuck can my local library justify 50p a day, if two hundred and twenty years of borrowing can only rack up around £195,000. Two hundred years? Surely after one hundred, you write off that it's not going to be paid.

I'm skeptical of the whole thing though, simply because he didn't even put his name next to the ledger. He just wrote "President" in the space. That could have been anyone! They could be laughing at us all now! Oh wait, there's that whole "utterly dead for over a hundred years" thing.

Now to the main headlines,

Big screen could cut Gloucestershire cheese race crowds

Oh, that's a relief. Not content to heed my words from last week that the Gloucestershire cheese race was a colossal waste of time, apparently they're looking for ways to keep it running despite its (frankly baffling) popularity. One thing that I can agree on with the Cheese-Rolling Committee is that far too many people are attending this race.

Incidentally, a big lump of cheese slowly gaining momentum while being followed by thousands of people more than it deserves sounds awfully like The Twilight Saga. But I digress.

Apparently the creators seem to think that streaming live videos of the cheese-rolling might help spread the crowds around. I have two issues with this. Firstly, it's a lot easier to shut down a grassy bank somewhere out of the way than it is to shut down a town centre to watch that sort of thing. Take it from experience, I worked in a town centre when the Tour de France passed by, and they shut down the entire town. I still had to work, and let me tell you; it's not exactly busy.

Secondly, I hardly think that watching this shambles anywhere but live can possibly be exciting. I doubt very much that it'll have the production values of Formula 1, where it'll be jumping from place to place on the hill. And I imagine that much in the opposite way of stuff like F1, where I can imagine it being less exciting live, it'll actually be less exciting to watch a video. And besides, who would be part of this conversation?

"Hey man, how was your weekend?"
"I watched the cheese-rolling festival."
"Oh right...did you go along on Saturday then?"
"No, it was too busy, I watched it on TV."
"You're an arsehole."

I can see the appeal as they suggest of finding a way to incorporate the cheese-rolling race into something grander, combining cheese and cider in a festival, as I'd pay money to watch cider barrels roll down hills after people, in a sort of Donkey Kong kind of way.

Queen invented phone, pupils say

According to a children's science survey, 10% of children believe that Queen Elizabeth II invented the telephone. Yes, apparently some parents are doing such a good job of raising their kids that they are being led to believe that if you invent something that gains widespread popularity, fuck a mansion; you get a palace! Other guesses included Charles Darwin (which I'm frankly confused by) and Noel Edmonds. Now, Noel Edmonds might seem like a more bizarre choice than Charles Darwin in some ways, but think about it this way; most of these kids will at least have seen Noel Edmonds actually use a phone.

As if that wasn't enough, the statistics reveal some really disturbing statistics. 20% of secondary school pupils guessed that the first man on the moon was Luke Skywalker or Richard Branson. Let's not forget that these are secondary school students, which entails being between 11 and 18 years old, depending on whether or not they've subscribed to that whole "educational bribe" thing that they called an EMA. What concerns me more is frankly that some kids are watching Star Wars and thinking "What an awesome documentary!" I can sort of see Richard Branson, because he's an ambitious guy and is always talking about wanting to go to places. Plus, Richard Branson is not played by a fucking actor!

Apparently, though, don't panic because more schoolchildren would rather win a Nobel Prize for Science than win the X-Factor. See, I'd very much like to be a videogame journalist, that's my current ideal job. However, I went through a number of ideal jobs as a youngster ranging from doctor to professional wrestler (I shit you not). One day though, you have to accept certain limitations. I don't know enough about science and am not strong enough in this area to have ever pursued any learning in medicine. I am certainly not physically in any condition to be an athlete of any kind. Secondary school children, similarly, will have to accept that if they can't correctly identify Luke Skywalker as a fictional character, they might want to work on that singing voice.

On an amusing side-note, one of the related articles at the side says that Ofsted, the UK's school quality control board, are of the opinion that "Tests make science dull". Yeah, all well and good saying that, genius, but I think this article really demonstrates that they're what's known as a necessary evil. Much like cheese-rolling and Twilight, if popular culture is anything to go by.

Note to self: Remember to be more specific when looking up "Beaker" on Google Image Search.

Teen charged in NJ Walmart racial comment case

I hate people sometimes.

First, a short explanation. This 16 year-old moron (because let's be fair, there is no better word for him) went into a Wal-mart in New Jersey, took control of the public address system and made an announcement that all black people were to leave the store immediately. As fucktardery goes, it's probably some of the highest levels I've seen.

Just as an aside, is the correct verb for "To be a patron of" really "patronize"? Only the kid was apparently patronizing the store. I find it hard to understand that someone could consider themselves mentally superior to a building, and could find themselves able to talk down to a store. Admittedly, that's largely based on the fact that I don't think this kid could outsmart a glass of fucking water. A glass half full of water. Yes, I'm a "Glass is half full but this muppet couldn't outsmart it if it was empty" kind of guy, as opposed to a "Glass is half empty but this muppet couldn't outsmart it if it was empty" kind of person.

Now, you're probably saying to yourself "Come on Rob, he's probably just a misguided kid, or maybe he was showing off to his friends." I have news for you; he was put up to it by...get Internet message board. For those of you not familiar with 4chan, it's a message board for the most depraved and retarded of those already dumb enough to post anonymous hatred on the Internet, and is responsible for pretty much every annoying meme you can think of on the Internet.

Particularly frustrating and soul-destroying is the /b/ board, the home of those known as "b-tards", or people who will do anything that's written on the board. In this case, a friend of mine named Ryan (who I must thank immensely for providing the background on this article, many thanks rialisis!) gave me the bulk of the post that actually caused this idiot to make the mistake of thinking that if it's on the Internet, everyone else is probably doing it:

1. Walk into Walmart
2. Pick up one of the internal phones
3. Dial #73 (made the number off the top of my head, can't remember the exact code)
4. Tell all ni*****s need to leave the building.

Now, the scary thing is that even the site says that if you believe anything written on the site, you're an idiot! I'm not giving out the link by the way, I think it's best for all concerned after spending a few minutes browsing it. Think Mos Eisley spaceport, but without the glowing reference from Obi-Wan.

Apparently, though, the gimp in question will be sent to "sensitivity" training and counselling. I think a far more effective solution would be to go up the side of his head with a 2x4. I'll happily pay for it! Better yet, drop him off in the middle of the Million Man March. Dressed as one of N-Dubz.


Prom will never be the same again in the hilarious Dance of the Dead, available to buy on DVD from today!

Zombie mayhem descends on a high-school prom as the dead rise to eat the celebrating kids. It's the geeks unable to get a date that are left to save the town from the undead, armed only with bats, garden tools and guitars. Dance of the Dead is a teen zombie movie that will have you laughing and screaming at the same time.

Thanks to our friends at Lions Gate Home Entertainment, we've got three copies of Dance of the Dead to give away! For your chance of winning one, send us an e-mail to with your name and postal address before midday on Monday 26th April (UK time). The first three names drawn out of the electronic hat will win a free copy!

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