Monday 11 January 2010

God, I Hate The Internet Sometimes

I know what you're thinking: Without the Internet, Emotionally Fourteen would not exist. You're absolutely right, this is absolutely correct. However, the point of this article is that sometimes, it feels like the absence of E14 as a website would be a small price to pay for the amount of stress that would be reduced by not having to deal with some of the stupidest ideas that come out of the Internet.

Ideas such as:
Online reviews

Again, this may seem like a strange one, but allow me to clarify why our site doesn't fall within the subject that I'm talking about now.

First of all, we are sent the things we review by the respective publishers of said items. If we review a movie, DVD, book or video game, it's a fairly safe bet that we've been sent through said item by the publisher because they want us to give our opinions on it. Now, I'm not saying that people who don't get sent their review material are any less valid than we are, in fact my point is the complete opposite. We're no different from any other reviewer on the Internet or any printed media. We give our opinions on stuff, and one person's opinion is no more or less valid than anyone else's. Well, that is, except one type of person on the Internet.

The type of person who reviews something before it even comes out. Not as in the "we got sent it a little early, so my review is going up in time for the release of the item". Those are generally the legitimate press, as they're given stuff directly by the publisher because obviously their site receives a lot of traffic, or in the case of printed media, they have a deadline to meet before the magazine is published. What I'm referring to is the kid in his bedroom who sees the announcement of a videogame or film that he was hoping for, and instantly goes onto Play, finds the listing for the release of either the game or DVD, and gives it five stars with the logic being something along the lines of:

"I can't wait for this, it's going to be amazing."

Now, the sane amongst you will be going "Surely there's no such person as the type that you describe. Nobody's that stupid, are they?" I present to you, skeptics, Exhibit A. While browsing the release dates for one of the games I'm most anticipating, Bioshock 2, I came across this review, posted by a most helpful user (Whose name has been omitted for the purposes of saving his eternal soul):


This game will be ground breaking i have completed the first one a few times so i would recomend this game to any one who loves a games that is unique and emmersive

Hey , you know what's unique and ground-breaking on the Internet these days? Spelling, grammar and punctuation. Try fucking using some every now and then, it's really a good way to make yourself stand out from the other fuckwits that use this godforsaken service. Oh, and it probably goes without saying, but try to save your opinions on a product until you've ACTUALLY SEEN ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT WHATSOEVER.

I can understand it to an extent (and I do only mean an extent) with DVD releases of movies, because obviously the movie isn't generally changed much between the cinematic and DVD release, maybe save for a couple of scenes added in or removed. Obviously, that's a bit more understandable. Video games, even ones that are released with demo versions before the game is released, are subject to so much last minute changes that forming any definitive conclusions before the game's even released is the kind of stupidity that one saves for...Oh, I don't know...the Internet.

Incidentally, you know what media is illuminatingly devoid of reviews? Adult movies. Bizarre isn't it? The Internet is a fairly anonymous way to express your views, otherwise half the cowards who insult people on message boards would shut the fuck up every now and then. And yet, no love for the porn on Play.

People who are fans of becoming fans

I've probably mentioned this before, and no doubt it's been talked about before at some point, but has anyone noticed quite how many groups and pages are on Facebook now? Here's a selection of some choice ones, but I assure you that they're not chosen for their overarching quality.

Petition to get KFC to deliver to your door - Because of course, nothing could be better for your health than having no input whatsoever in the transportation of your greasy fat-filled chicken dinner to your door from the restaurant. If fast food companies delivered, this nation would be in a significantly worse state than it already is. On the plus side, icy pavements would be a thing of the past, as the frequent passing of warm chicken trucks would probably serve to melt them faster.

Doesn't it annoy you when someone just texts back "Ok" to your message? - Yeah, it's one of the most annoying things in the history of existence. Oh wait, that other thing. No it's not. Yes, you might wish that people were more verbose in their responses to your messages, but ultimately sometimes all you can write is "ok". Maybe, just maybe, if you want them to write back a bit more, you should try not being so fucking tedious.

Besides which, I know this type of person all too well. If you DON'T text back with "ok" in some form or other, you get an agitated phone call wondering why you didn't say anything back to their last message. You can't win - deal with it. Ultimately, these people are jealous that you have a free text allowance and can afford to splurge, and forget that they should consider themselves immensely privileged that you even text them at all.

I will not pay to use Facebook - Fantastic, well done you. That's a tremendous show of determination on your part, not going along with the crowd and that. There's only two main problems with your argument. First of all, if they decide to start charging for Facebook, I doubt very much they'd see a positive result. Ultimately, people only use sites like this because they're free and there's lots of stuff to waste your time on. From insulting your friends, like Brad and I do, to spending endless hours worrying about your vegetables on Farmville, which is in itself an irony as you then become less intelligent than your virtual turnips.

Secondly, who the fuck are you kidding? If they started charging to use Facebook, it'd be made up of the contents of the "I will not pay to use Facebook" group in terms of paying members. If you're that indignant about the prospect of Facebook charging, and stupid enough to think not only that they'll actually do it, but also that having a fucking online petition ON FACEBOOK ITSELF will make a lick of difference whatsoever, you'll pay whatever the cost ends up being, because the alternative is actually living your life or investing yourself in a whole new fad website.

Which is why I suggest we start a new social networking revolution: Faceplaice. It's where you upload photos of what you'd look like as a fish. Deride me all you want, but you are THIS SECOND picturing yourself as a Haddock.

Not THAT one...


  1. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Artificially Inseminated Ranter; Rob Wade.

  2. I didn't even read your whole article blog thing.
    But I hate the internet too. Sadly, I cannot seem to tear myself away from it. the mindless stupidity and shallow punchline strewn comment sections are lapping away at the remnants of my sanity like an ocean of madness slowly devouring my ability to turn off the whirring, purring machine and face the boring trafic of despondant humanity. I have diarreah of the keyboard as well. Can you tell. I am what I hate.