Friday 15 January 2010

Dickass DM

Almost six months ago, Brad and Rob began an experiment that they referred to as The Dickass DM, in which Rob would attempt to play through the Fighting Fantasy gamebook Starship Traveller as if it were an actual table-top RPG.

Read Part One Here
Read Part Two Here
Read Part Three Here
Read Part Four Here
Read Part Five Here

Previously on Dickass DM: After surviving a strange airborne virus, Captain Braggart found himself the subject of a bizarre experiment that kind-of resembled the path-of-blood-nightmare-maze in the first Max Payne. After accidentally causing the deaths of Security Officer Cripps and Redshirt #1 in a volcano, they find themselves prisoners on Malini - about to be entered in a strange "contest".

Brad: Under armed guard you are taken to a waiting room and left with several other competitors.
Rob: Well, we don't really know much about the contests, so I ask about them.
Captain Braggart: Hello, I'm from another more important planet. What's all this bollocks I'm signed up for?
Brad: The Contests are organised annually on Malini to provide amusement for the mine-workers. They are an assortment of athletic events testing all aspects of skill and endurance. The aliens you are in with are entered in the Qualk Test.
Captain Braggart: Sounds like an 80s video game. A crap one.
Brad: Qualks are semi-intelligent, rapid flying beasts with long, razor sharp beaks. So, yeah. Kind of like Joust.
Captain Braggart: Oh, cool. So what are they tested on?
Brad: On Malini they are considered dangerous pests.
Captain Braggart: Like travellers?
Brad: Your room-mates will be armed with phasers and will try their luck against a quazzen (thirty to forty) of Qualks. Winning means both freedom and generous rewards of Malinite.
Captain Braggart: Hmmm...I'm not sure I like the odds of thirty or fourty many of us are left?
McSpindle: There's...three of us, Dingle, Clank and 1,138 red-shirts on board the Traveller.
Captain Braggart: Then I say we fight.
Brad: And, which startegy constitutes "fighting"?
Rob: The one where we twat the lances.
Brad: The guards escort you to another room where you are instructed to change into tight-fitting uniforms.
Captain Braggart: Why tight-fitting?
Brad: You are given sturdy helmets to wear and a choice of strange weapons.
McSpindle: My butthole is clenching. Is yours?
Captain Braggart: I think I lost mine already...Never mind.
Brad: The Guards will tell you nothing of your event, but lead you from the room down a tunnel. Your heart sinks as you emerge from the tunnel. You stand in a vast arena and the alien cheers are deafening.
Captain Braggart: Bollocks.
Brad: You're picturing Geonosians, right?
Rob: I am! How'd you know?
Brad: In the centre of the arena is a large, dark Manslayer Robot, heavily armed.
Grimace: I wonder why they call it a Manslayer.
McSpindle: It was invented by Geoff Manslayer.
Captain Braggart: Oh, that's a relief, spindly guy?
Brad: The door behind you slams shut and the Manslayer advances.
McSpindle: Nah, it's designed to slay men. Hell of a coincidence, really.
Captain Braggart: You don't say...(sotto voce) douchebag.
Brad: Evidently you must defeat this robot before it kills you!
Rob: Clearly.
Brad: A knife shoots from the Manslayer and cuts you in the thigh.
Captain Braggart: Motherfucker! Fill it full of...lead...lasers!
Brad: McSpindle gets a lucky shot in and it shoots out sparks from a damaged component.
McSpindle: Hah! Say hello to my little friend!
Captain Braggart: Ah yeah, you're the reference guy aren't you?
McSpindle: Nah, that was the dead guy.
Brad: Grimace is knocked flying by a blow from the Manslayer.
Captain Braggart:...Brace yourself!
Brad: You fire a shot with your blaster, and blow the Manslayer's blade arm to smithereens.
Captain Braggart: Ha, bitch!
Brad: McSpindle strikes another blow with his Weirding Module, but this just bounces off the armour plating. The Manslayer stomps a mudhole in Grimace.
Captain Braggart: That's not good.
Brad: The cudgel cracks you a good 'un and you are winded. McSpindle sneaks behind the Manslayer. He hits it a solid blow, and the robot topples to the ground. The crowd roars as the robot topples and crashes to the ground.
McSpindle: All those in favour of making me Captain?
Captain Braggart: Nobody say a fucking word...
Brad: You are led away to meet the senior executive of the mining organisation who presents you with the customary prize: freedom, and a handsome quantity of Malinite. You mention your mission and your desire to get back to your own universe. He nods and asks you to follow him to the Astronautical Headquarters. He takes you there and has words with the Director of Operations, who disappears into another room and returns with a printout. So far as his department can ascertain, the black hole you require is in Sector 083, but he cannot be sure of the correct timing. You thank him for the information and return to the ship to continue your journey. You now have two choices: you may head toward a large, wheel-shaped structure hanging in space, or you may enter hyperspace and jump towards a small black planet.
Captain Braggart: Ooh, wheels sound interesting.
Brad: You slow-down as you approach the wheel shaped structure, rotating slowly in space. Making radio contact, you learn it is the spaceport Laur-Jamil. Your ship is welcome to dock and there are facilities for repairing ships, but payment must be made in a currency you have never heard of.
Captain Braggart: Do you accept...Malinite, or maybe expendable crew members?
McSpindle: I think we're low on both.
Captain Braggart: We just won Malinite, did we use it up already?
Brad: They will accept Malinite. Do you want to pay them in Malinite, or bargain with them?
Captain Braggart: Fine, we'll pay in Malinite.
Brad: Inside the spaceport you follow the corridor until you are approached by a hovering device of some kind. It announces itself as a service robot and asks if it may be of assistance.
Captain Braggart: Cocktails, server! Anyone paint a good racing stripe around here?
Brad: The Service Robot leads you to an office, where you make arrangements to have your ship serviced. You then make arrangements for leaving the spaceport. Starting up the ship's engines, you leave the spaceport and head off into deep space.
McSpindle: Expensive service, huh?
Captain Braggart: Yeah, but it's worth it when we can go faster.
Brad: Starting up the ship's engines, you leave the spaceport and head off into deep space. Your crew are becoming anxious about their fate.
McSpindle: Um...sir...I don't think we're getting renewed for a second series.
Captain Braggart: Second series of what, sorry?
McSpindle: I didn't say anything...
Brad: Will they be spending the rest of their lives searching for a dimension gate that may never appear? You are called on to make a statement to reassure them.
Captain Braggart: My fellow crew! It has been a tremendous ordeal thus far. We have lost friends, and seen our fair share of enemies. However, let us never forget why we are here in the first place. We will find our way back to our own universe, and by God, we will get that loaf of bread we left for! Now, we've got co-ordinates for the sector to find the black hole to send us home, and I'm sure that the people who we humiliated in combat by beating the shit out of their robot have given us the correct information, so I feel there is no reason to panic whatsoever! So, the only thing left to are you with me?!
Brad: All five of the remaining crew raise their hand.
Captain Braggart: All opposed?
Grimace: Um...this is all of us, sir.
Captain Braggart: All abstaining?
Brad: You call all your section heads to the briefing room and announce that you believe you have the space and time co-ordinates for a likely black hole.
McSpindle: You don't know, do you sir?
Brad: You call all your section heads to the briefing room and explain to them the necessity of keeping up the crew's morale. You do not yet have enough information to guide the ship to your escape route and you must keep searching, but you are confident that you will eventually discover the whereabouts of a suitable black hole. Your offices try their best with the crew, but morale is low.
McSpindle: I have to agree. Morale is the lowest it's been since...oh, I don't splatted two of the crew against asteroids on your first day in charge.
Brad: There are reports of two suicides. Medical Officer Dingle becomes overloaded with crew suffering from nervous disorders. Then, one day, your navigation officer contacts you excitedly.
Redshirt #4: Captain! Sensors have picked up a black hole 4.2 light years from here!
Captain Braggart: Well, those suicides are going to feel stupid!
Brad: You decide on an all-or-nothing course and engage the warp drive towards it! You drop out of warp speed a safe distance from the black hole. McSpindle works out your optimum course on the ship's computer.
McSpindle: I have nothing but complete faith in me.
Captain Braggart: It's nice that someone does.
Brad: As you advance you can feel the immense gravitational pull of the collapsed star. You allow the ship to be sucked in while the crew fastens their safety belts.
McSpindle: Captain?
Captain Braggart: Yeah?
McSpindle: I have been...and always shall be...your friend.
Captain Braggart: Are you feeling okay? Is this cabin pressurised?
Brad: The ship is ripped forward into the void, and all personnel pass out. You regain conciousness and look around to find that other crew members are doing the same.
Captain Braggart: Why is my anus sore?
Brad: You instruct Redshirt #4 to report on your position and switch the screen to visual. As the picture clears, you can see space in front of you. Is this your own universe? In the distance, you can just make out a large, familiar looking object.
Captain Braggart: Galactus!
Redshirt #4: Captain! I am picking up a signal coming from somewhere ahead of us. They claim to be the sub-station Einstein! I...I think we've made it!
Captain Braggart: Well, I hate to be the one to say I told you so...
Brad: Switching the message to visual, you are soon able to confirm that the message is indeed coming from one of your own substations. You have made it back home!
Rob: I never would have believed it possible.
McSpindle: I...I...I didn't die?
Brad: Clank blasts McSpindle.
Clank: Is that better?
Captain Braggart: Shit, and he was one day from retirement. Is he dead?
McSpindle: name...isn't Barry's...Barry Redshirt.
Captain Braggart: And to think I was going to recommend you for promotion...
Brad: McSpindle dies.
The mission of the Starship Traveller may be over, but Dickass DM returns in February, as Abraham Van Bragging voyages into the Vault of the Vampire!
Ben Barnes (he was Prince Caspian in...ah, I forget the name of the film) makes a deal with the Devil as he takes on the lead role in the sexed up gothic retelling of Oscar Wilde’s classic novel The Picture of Dorian Gray.

This dark and sleek adaptation is available to buy on Blu-ray and DVD from 18 January 2010 from Momentum Pictures and also stars BAFTA nominee Colin Firth (Blackadder Back & Forth), Ben Chaplin (he used to be in a sit-com called Game On...some of you may remember Samantha Janus in it), Emilia Fox and Rebecca Hall.

Directed by Oliver Parker (St. Trinian’s, An Ideal Husband, The Importance of Being Earnest), for Ealing Studios, Dorian Gray is beautifully shot, presenting a glamorous and decadent Victorian London society with all the excesses of the parties, clothes and sumptuous ballrooms and houses in stark contrast to the seedy backstreets and bars offering darker delights and unimaginable dangers.

The strikingly beautiful but naive young Dorian Gray, arriving fresh on the London social scene, is taken under the wing of Lord Henry Wotton who introduces him to the seedy pleasures of the city’s life. When Henry’s friend, artist Basil Hallward paints a portrait of Dorian to catch the full power of his youthful beauty, Dorian swears he would give anything to stay as he is in the picture – even his soul.

Dorian’s stunning good looks and charm soon attract the celebrity lifestyle and everything that it brings, and he finds himself slipping deeper and deeper into a world of sin, sex and violence, seemingly without any consequences. But as his actions become increasingly evil, how long can he hide the secret behind his eternal youth? It’s a thrilling ride to the climactic final turn of the key to reveal Dorian’s horrific secret in the attic and he comes face to face with his evil deeds.

Thanks to our friends at Momentum Pictures, we've got two copies of Dorian Gray on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning one, send us an e-mail to with your name and postal address before midday on Friday 22nd January (UK time). The first two names drawn out of the electronic hat will win a copy of this awesome movie!

1 comment:

  1. Rob... didn't... die?


    Looking forward to him doing much, much worse in 'Vault Of The Vampire'!