Harry Potter can still fuck off

Another thing on the subject of Harry Potter, since I’ve already absolutely owned the books (and that’s true on several levels, I do own the books), why is it that the series with one of the largest followings in the history of literature has the biggest pussy on Earth as its villain? First of all, Voldemort is too close to Vol-au-vent for my liking. Call me a purist, but I can’t be scared or even grossed out by anyone whose name sounds like a finger food at a fancy buffet.

It’s such a shame as well, because as a villain Ralph Fiennes does a great job of making the ridiculous character of Voldemort terrifying. Well, at least he tries. It seems J.K Rowling must have understood that eventually Voldemort would be played by a Hollywood actor of some quality. As a result, she seems to have done her very best to limit his appearances. Now, fair enough, there is literary precedent of this. In Lord of the Rings (which I’m fairly sure J.K Rowling has read) Sauron doesn’t walk the plains of Middle-Earth. However, he has a tangible physical presence throughout the trilogy. Voldemort gets mentioned quite a bit, but much in the same way that you’d mention a friend of yours who’s a bit of a prick. Maybe he cheats on his taxes or doesn’t spend any time with his mum.

Anyway, he comes into the series at book 4, and just when you think business is about to pick up, he disappears into the ether for the whole of book 5, only coming back for the whole Crystal Dome fiasco at the end of the book. That’s around 700 pages that could have done with a bad-ass wizard appearing SOMEWHERE, rather than just having people still saying “he’s dangerous”. See, you can tell people you’re dead handy in a fight, but eventually they WILL call you on it and expect you to pit fight with a gorilla. What are mates for, after all?

I can accurately write the first 30 pages of a Harry Potter book, and I can equally effectively sum them up in a couple of sentences.

HARRY: Wow, it really sucks to be the only person in the world like me. I mean, I’m a wizard orphan with glasses, whose parents left him a small fortune. It’s small wonder I’m not balls-deep in witches every night.
RON: Well, I can cheer you up mate. Fancy spending another meaningless social occasion at my house?
HARRY: Well, I don’t know Ron, it might serve to remind me of how my natural parents are dead.
RON: True, but then it’ll equally make you realise that it could be worse; you could have ginger hair AND be poor.

Sick burn, Weasley.

HARRY: I guess that’s true enough, and that was a fun meaningless random social occasion. Well, time for school. Let’s faff about on the train for a few hours.

FAFF FAFF FAFF FAFF FAFF

HERMIONE: Hello all, have you heard who the Defence against the Dark Arts teacher is this year?
RON: No, but I bet he’s mental.
*AUDIENCE: HAHA, hilarious. Ron talks like me. That makes him relatable.*
DUMBLEDORE: Watch out for the Voldemorts, I think the crab paste is off.
*AUDIENCE: Crabs come from the sea…*

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Now, granted, I’m not as good at fiction as some, but I think that’s a fairly accurate description. Having said that, it’s not a patch on the fanfiction that everyone talks about when mentioning Harry Potter, “My Immortal”.

Bearing in mind it’s named after a song by Evanescence, you can safely gauge the emotional maturity of the author, particularly when said author seems to suffer from multiple personality disorder. Both personalities are morons, in case you hadn’t guessed.

It’s too lengthy really to go into any significant detail on (best saved for another time, perhaps). However, sufficed to say that the story is a pretty entertaining read, interspersed with author’s notes that state that the author will not write new chapters without positive reviews. Somehow, one of two things happened. Either the author received a few pity reviews from friends or genuinely curious people (the kind who rubber-neck past a car crash so that they have clearer memories to masturbate to later) or the author was a young girl who thought that the Internet gave a flying fuck about her character Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way (I swear I’m not making this up).

If there are any doubts about the emotional age of this author, put it this way: during the first romantic tryst between Malfoy and Ebony (which happens around Chapter 4), Ebony says “I even took off my bra” shortly before “he put his thingie into my you-know-what”. Fear not, though, the tryst is interrupted by a cry of “‘WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!’” Who, you may ask, would be so angry at seeing Draco Malfoy kissing a girl that he’d have to curse up a storm? That’s right…