Wednesday 8 July 2009

The Dumbest Things Darth Vader Ever Did

Darth Vader - The Chosen One. Darth Vader - The Emperor's Fist. Darth Vader - Tragically Dumb.

As a face for the Galactic Empire's tyranny, Darth Vader was great. He looked hard, had a mysterious reputation, and choked the stuffing out of anyone who dared talk back to him. Unfortunately, when left to act upon his own initiative, Mr Skywalker was a little on the dull side. Don't believe me? Here's proof.

DUMB NUMBER ONE - 32 BBY (Before the Battle of Yavin)
Being a Pain in the Arse to his Mother

Back when he was just nine years old, Anakin Skywalker was a junkyard slave, working for the untrustworthy Toydarian, Watto. He and his mother were slaves. That means basic accommodation, and no cash.

So, what does Anakin decide is a really good thing to do? He surprises his mother with three houseguests. People he has never met before, at least one of whom he has already witnessed stealing food from a market stall. Study his mother's face when they arrive unexpectedly in her living room. There is a face that says "Oh, for fuck's sake, what's this? We've got half a chicken in the freezer, and some Angel Delight, and that's got to last us until Wednesday. Perhaps over a gentle beating later, you'll explain to me exactly why Liam Neeson, Natalie Portman and what appears to be Mer-Man's retarded cousin are doing here, tracking sand over my fucking carpet and expecting to be fed?"

Of course, Anakin Skywalker's lack of consideration for other people's feelings only gets worse as the saga progresses.

Being a Pain in the Arse to Air-Traffic Control

Look, I don't care if you've got the Force on your side or not, when engaged in a high speed and high altitude pursuit, throwing yourself off of the side of the car is so retarded that psychologists had to invent a new word for it - Binksian.

Being a Pain in the Arse to Virtually Every Part Of His Own Body Except (Ironically) His Arse

Okay, Vader's first duel with Obi-Wan Kenobi is the stuff of legend. It was the moment we had all been waiting for since the prequels were announced, and it's still one of the greatest fight scenes in all cinema.

The thing is, even with confidence and the Dark Side at his disposal, Anakin surely had to realise what a dumb idea this was, because, all things considered, Obi-Wan Kenobi is actually the hardest character across all of the Star Wars saga. Don't believe me? What do the following have in common? Darth Maul, Jango Fett, Darth Tyrannus, Durge, Asaaj Ventress, General Grievous, Darth Vader and Darth Krayt. The answer? They've all had their arses handed to them by Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Vader may not have actually been there for many of those duels, but you would have through that his reputation would have preceded him. But no, Vader thinks that taking on the Republic's Force Powered Ass-Kicking Machine is the best idea he's had that day. Considering that the rest of his day was spent killing children and choking his wife, he may not be that far wrong after all.

DUMB NUMBER FOUR - 3 BBY - 4 ABY (After the Battle of Yavin)
Being a Pain in the Arse to the Human Resources Department Aboard The Executor

The Super Star Destroyer Executor is the personal flagship of Darth Vader, the premier command ship of the Imperial Navy, and the first of the Executor-class Star Dreadnought line. A monumental 19,000 metres in length, the Executor contains more than 5,000 weapon emplacements, enough firepower to blast any planetary surface to slag in hours, and a military complement capable of annihilating any ground installation. The Executor's presence alone was enough to frighten an entire star system into submission.

The Executor usually carried a crew of 328,734 (including gunners, ground forces and droids). That's already a nightmare for any Human Resources team. Now, factor in that the commander of this vessel (Darth Vader) is in the habit of executing at least one high ranking officer a week. Not only does these guys then have to find a replacement, but they all have all the gumpf that goes with it - life assurance, lawsuits, interviews. The entire universe thinks that Vader is a dick, but none more so that his own recruitment team.

The Executor was destroyed at the Battle of Endor when an A-Wing pilot, Arvel Crynyd, crashed his A-Wing into the vessel's HR Department.

Not Being A Pain In The Arse

At the climax of Return of the Jedi, an enraged Palpatine declares that if Luke cannot be turned to the dark side, he will be killed, and uses Force lightning against him. Palpatine slowly increases the intensity of the lightning, torturing Luke to death. Vader turns on Palpatine, lifting the Emperor off his feet with the great strength of his cybernetic right arm, and despite the deadly Force lightning now surging on Anakin, he hurls his former master into a reactor shaft, destroying him once and for all (ie. for about six years).

Wait a minute...

If there can only be two Sith Lords at any one time, and it is assumed that the master will be destroyed by the apprentice, thus ensuring the continuing evolution of the order...why didn't Vader kill Palpatine earlier?

I mean, surely at any time over the last twenty odd years or so, Vader could have picked up Darth Sidious and thrown him over any number of balconies? Several balconies within the space of a week if the fancy took him.

So, why did it take him this long to do it? At a moment when he was already "Battle Damaged"?

Some people say that it's because of his love for Luke turning him back to the light side that he was able to destroy Palpatine. But as mentioned above, even if he'd stayed with the Dark Side, he would have ultimately turned on Palpatine. Why did it take him this long? Because he's as dumb as bantha poodoo.


  1. You forgot one: Waiting for the Death Star to travel AROUND the planet Endor before it can blow up it's moon. This is dumb for two reasons:

    1. You have at your disposal a battle station (not a moon) SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED FOR DESTROYING PLANETS and it doesn't occur to you to use it to destroy the planet that is in your way. No, much better to agonisingly wait to travel around said planet. Dumb fucker.

    2. If you simply use the Death Star to destroy the planet Endor IT WILL DESTROY THE MOON AS WELL! How likely is it that a planet's satellite will be just fine and dandy after the planet it's orbiting is reduced to its component atoms? Not very fucking likely at all, that's how likely. Yet another argument in favour of not waiting to fly around the planet before destroying the moon. Dumb fucker.

  2. Is there any chance of some star trek making any features?

    I love your site, the reviews are top notch and the features and riffing are good. I just feel i'd get a little more of my inner 14 year old excercised with some gentle star trek ribbing, instead of focusing on star wars, where most of the above references fly over my head faster than an X-wing..

  3. Uh...this is the FIRST Star Wars article we've ever featured on the website. And we reviewed the latest Star Trek movie six weeks ago. want us to take the piss out of Star Trek, you got it.

  4. excellent!! make them pay for 'the final frontier'...

  5. Bottom line is no matter how to look at it, Anakin Skywalker has got to be the dumbest, the most impetuous, and the most imbecilic character ever. Every single thing Anakin has done borders on total retardedness. It is that simple. Was George Lucas trying to tell us something about not being stupid in life or does Lucas himself sympathize with doing stupid things upon stupid things in living this life? Huh?