Friday 10 July 2009

Shitty Cover-Art Round Up

It's time, once again, for Brad and Rob to review some ablums!

Florence & The Machine

Rob: Fuck. I've heard of wearing your heart on your sleeve, but that somewhat takes the piss.
Brad: I'm thinking that she's really into Tori Amos. Or Ladyhawke.
Rob: Either one works. I like the fact that her lungs are held on with string.
Brad: Her dress is made of nothing.
Rob: Wow, I hadn't noticed that. See, we're led to believe that that is her right arm at the left hand side, but we don't know
Brad: You don't do an album cover like this unless you're seriously in love with yourself. I wouldn't buy this for that reason. Score?
Rob: 4/10. She's wearing too much make up for my liking.
Brad: Um...Uh...Are you anywhere near a d10 right now?
Rob: You are so fucking lucky. 6/10.
Brad: Yeah, that'll do.

Recital of the Script

Rob: What...the...Hell? Is that someone dressed as a jester or a dinosaur?
Brad: Well, they're a prog-rock band. Chances are its about a half-dinosaur, half-jester trying to integrate himself into modern society. Embodied in this case by a Fish-era Marillion gig.
Rob: Is he leaving an Irish pub as well? There's quite a heavy green theme here.
Brad: You know why I wouldn't buy this?
Rob: Go on, I'm intrigued now. You like Marillion.
Brad: Because the cover art even admits that it sucks. It's right there: "Marillion Stalls". Automatic 1/10.
Rob: I'm gonna say 5/10. The dinosaur/jester uncertainty brings it up for me a bit.

Live From Loreley

Rob: Bit of a Marillion theme going here, any reason?
Brad: Chances are its about a half-WWII bomber pilot, half-angel trying to integrate himself into modern society. Embodied in this case by a Fish-era Marillion gig.
Rob: Has this monster/angel thing just walked into a garden party?
Brad: Why not?
Rob: Or maybe a garden centre?
Brad: Where is Loreley? Or is it a state of mind?
Rob: I think wherever it is, it has a B&Q
Brad: Score?
Rob: 4/10. Do you need yours?
Brad: Please.
Rob: 5/10.

Gwyn Ashton
Two-Man Blues Army

Rob: Well, The Beano has come a long way...
Brad: I'm thinking that these guys really like acid. I think you have to own a pick-up truck to be allowed to buy this. They probably check your registration documents and everything.
Rob: Almost certainly. They'd probably enjoy that redneck compilation we reviewed a few weeks back. That's probably one of the mini-games.
Brad: Ha! I like the idea of "Enjoying AOR" making it into the Commonwealth Games. Or at least one of those strange leagues that only gets shown late at night on Eurosport.
Rob: In all seriousness, I honestly believe this inspired the artwork for Guitar Hero.
Brad: There's a load of barbed wire in the background.
Rob: I see that. This is probably gonna be higher on your score because of how much of a hardcore fanboy bitch you are. Hardcore wrestling, I mean, not that you like porn involving barbed wire or anything.
Brad: Well...Score?
Rob: 3/10.
Brad: And from me?
Rob: 4/10. You're so lucky I only have D10s.

Mad Professor
Audio Illusion of Dub

Brad: I take back everything I said about the last band being into acid.
Rob: He looks really familiar. Didn't Mork report back to him at the end of every episode?
Brad: Is there any connection between the objects circuiting his head? Or was the artist just clicking "Random Article" on Wikipedia?
Rob: I can sort of see the idea of audio tape and keyboards, but a test tube?!
Brad: What sort of music do you suppose this is?
Rob: I would guess at groove being in or around the heart.
Brad: I'm thinking emo.
Rob: I suppose he is a mad professor. I'm gonna go with 7/10. He's got that face I can't help but like.
Brad: Yeah, I'm going with that too.

The Thieving Magpie (La Gazza Ladra)

Rob: Oh, fucking hell.
Brad: Jesus...they're huge!
Rob: Can we just change the domain to and have done with it?
Brad: You don't care for Marillion?
Rob: I have no problem with Marillion, but we've done about 60% marillion covers.
Brad: I'm just giving the public what it wants. I think. I'm not very good at market research. Having the name of your sponsor on your drum kit is one thing. Making sure it's visible on a painted album is almost I, Robot in its corporate cock-sucking. Score?
Rob: Two 5/10s. I'm just rolling two d10s now. It's easier.

Jive Bunny
The Definitive Collection

Brad: How does a one-hit wonder who performed a medley of covers acquire a Greatest Hits album?
Rob: I think the answer is more sought after than cold fusion.
Brad: Does this mean that the world will be destroyed, not by pollution, or invasion or disease, but by a collection of unsold Lou Bega compilations that will drown us all?
Rob: Sure, why not?
Brad: "Why not?"? Is that really what you want on your death certificate?
Rob: Do you really need the answer to that? Better than some of the quotes on death certificates. "Big wooden horse? Of course I'll sign for it!" The temp in Troy..."Make sure I get a decent burial" Jimmy Hoffa
Brad: "I wonder if this is loaded?" Kurt Cobain...
Rob: "I'm gonna write a song called Too Much Love Will Kill You - that won't tempt fate" Freddie Mercury...4/10, because it's not cold fusion. 8/10 for you
Brad: This next one has you written all over it.

Best Of

Brad: Literally.
Rob: Wow, that's caught me completely off guard. I was expecting Marillion.
Brad: What sort of stuff do you expect this is? There's one of two things have happened here. Either this a gay band. Or this is a band of students who've given themselves a "tee-hee" name.
Rob: If they have a "Best Of" by now, I presume that they're looking back on it and are full of regret.
Brad: "We totally shouldn't have used any kind of permutation of "Bender" in our band's name!"...Wait a minute...

1 comment:

  1. Actually, 'Too Much Love Will Kill You' was written by Brian May, NOT Freddie Mercury. In fact, it was originally written for one of Brian's solo albums; Queen just decided to cover it as they liked the way it sounded when Freddie sang it.

    Never let it be said that Brad and Rob will let doing a bare minimum of research get in the way of a crap joke.

    P.S. To all the True Queen Nerds out there, I am well aware that Brian May co-wrote 'Too Much Love Will Kill You' with Elizabeth Lamers and Frank Musker but, let's be honest here, who apart from you and I even know who those two are?