Wednesday 15 July 2009

What If...Han Solo had shot first?

The Star Wars Infinities line poses many alternate universe questions - What if Luke Skywalker had missed the Death Star's thermal exhaust port? What if Luke Skywalker had frozen to death on Hoth? What if the attempt to rescue Han from Jabba's Palace had gone disastrously wrong? Why do the writers of these comics hate Luke so much?

Now, we at E14 will pose this question...what if...Han Solo had shot first?

Han lets his jaw hang slack with a sarcastic “Yes...I bet you have...” and fires with his concealed blaster beneath the table. Greedo’s dead body slumps forward onto the table, smoking from the blaster hole.

Han stands up, tosses a credit to Wuher the barman with a casual “Sorry about the mess.” And heads to Docking Bay 94, where the Millenium Falcon is currently parked.

En route , Han bumps into his friend Dash Rendar, a loveable rascal from Corellia. Dash informs Solo that Jabba has several bounty hunters scouring the town for him, and that he’d better skip town for a while. Eager to avoid a run in with Boba Fett, Bossk or any others of the old Bounty Hunters Guild, Han and Chewie jump in a shuttle, and head to Anchorhead.

At Anchorhead, Han and Chewie are approached by and emmisary of the Lady Valarian, who is promising a good paying job for them. Han and Chewie jump at the chance, and find themselves in a YT-1300 cruiser, much like the old Millenium Falcon, running Spice for the Lady Valarian.

During a spice run, the newly christened Fillenium Malcon, runs into the Star Destroyer Chimera out in wild space. They find themselves locked into a tractor beam, and interrogated by Grand Admiral Thrawn. Thrawn demands to study their art. Thirty minutes later, his study of the fluffy dice in the cockpit and the wookie porn in the lounge leads him to the conclusion that the entire Rebellion is retarded.

Obi-Wan, Luke and the droids have no choice but to steal the Millenium Falcon. They are promptly shot down by the Imperial Star Destroyers around the planet. Finding themselves stranded in the Jundland Wastes, our brave but incompetent heroes are picked up by a Jawa Sandcrawler and Obi-Wan Jedi Mind Tricks the driver into taking them to Anchorhead, where they manage to blag a ride from Dash Rendar, who just happens to be heading to Alderaan.

Meanwhile, the captive Leia aboard the Death Star is forced to make a choice between giving away the location of the hidden rebel base, and witnessing the destruction of her home planet of Alderaan. Leia pulls a double bluff, by claiming that the hidden Rebel base is on Alderaan, somewhat throwing Vader and Tarkin. Tarkin tries to call her double bluff by blowing up Dagobah.

Han and Chewie manage to escape from Thrawn by deactivating the tractor beam and heading out into space. Unfortunately, the spice shipment has been impounded by Thrawn, and there is now a price on their heads from both Valarian and Jabba.

Dash, Obi-Wan, Luke and the Droids arrive on Alderaan. Dash surreptitiously sells the droids to visiting dignitary, Prince Xizor, who is very interested in the information contained in R2-D2.

Tarkin decides to start blowing up all the planets in the galaxy in alphabetical order until Leia gives in and reveals the location of the hidden rebel base. Leia keeps quiet, knowing that the Rebel base is on Yavin IV, and therefore safe for quite some time.

Han and Chewie decide to sail further out into the galaxy, to seek their fame and fortune. They make friends with an interesting chap named Tsavong Lah.

Tarkin begins blowing up planets in alphabetical order, beginning with Alderaan. Luke, Obi-Wan and Dash Rendar are blown to smithereens. The droids, safe with Prince Xizor are now on Coruscant, where Prince Xizor is selling the Death Star plans on the black market.

Han, Chewie and the Yuuzhan Vong invade the galaxy. Their first target is Coruscant.

You know, Trekkies, if you needed to borrow the Yuuzhan Vong so badly, you could just have asked.

Thrawn purchases the Death Star Plans. He studies the architecture and learns much about the Empire, including that they are vain, well-rounded, and have a fucking great thermal exhaust port on one side.

Tarkin explodes Bothawui. Many Bothans died to bring you this gag.

Tarkin moves onto Coruscant. Vader questions the logic of attacking the Empires capital planet. Tarkin ignores him. Coruscant explodes, resulting in the death of the droids, Xizor...oh, and Emperor Palpatine.

Tarkin declares himself emperor.

The Yuuzhan Vong arrive, discover that their Vector Prime is screwed, and go home. Han suggests that studying art would be a good way to come up with a Plan B.


  1. Most amusing, if more than a little EU heavy for my tastes. However, I just cannot understand why on Earth (or 'why in a galaxy far, far away') any of these 'alternate' events happening to Han, Chewie, Luke, Ben, etc. would have had ANY EFFECT WHATSOEVER on Leia's decision regarding which planet to identify as the home of the rebel base. This is where your logic (warped as it is) falls apart and the entire article collapses.

    'Many Bothans died to bring you this gag', however, is the funniest thing I've read all week.

  2. The beating of a butterfly's wings...

  3. Look, if you're going to cite chaos theory, ANYTHING is possible and you can just write any old gibberish... Han Shot first so Dengar's crotch exploded which caused Mon Mothma to have a particularly heavy period which caused Bib Fortuna to grow an extra tentacle somewhere he REALLY didn't want one which caused Emperor Palpatine's left eyeball to fall out at an inopportune moment which caused Prince Adam to anally violate Cringer... and so on and so forth... it's only funny/clever if there's an APPARENT causal link between the events, ya spacebum!