Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Book Reviews

Star Wars - Fate of the Jedi: Conviction
Aaron Allston
Arrow Books/Random House
Available Now - £18.99 (Hardback)
Review by Rob Wade

Chief of State Natasi Daala has been overthrown, and the Jedi Order has taken control of the Galactic Alliance. But while the new governors dismantle Daala's draconian regime, forces still loyal to the deposed official are mobilizing a counterstrike. And even the Jedi's new authority may not be enough to save Tahiri Veila, the former Jedi Knight and onetime Sith apprentice convicted of treason for the killing of Galactic Alliance officer Gilad Pellaeon. Meanwhile, Luke and Ben Skywalker are relentlessly pursuing Abeloth, the powerful dark-side entity bent on ruling the galaxy. But as they corner their monstrous quarry on the planet Nam Chorios, the two lone Jedi must also face the fury of the Sith death squadron bearing down on them. And when Abeloth turns the tables with an insidious ambush, the Skywalkers' quest threatens to become a suicide mission.

A series that is now coming up on its climax after spanning more than half a dozen entries with more yet to come, the Fate of the Jedi story arc has seen all sorts of twists and turns along the way. It’s natural, therefore, that there is quite a lot to do in the last three novels, of which this is the first. Luke and Ben Skywalker have to make progress in their hunt for the dark side entity Abeloth, Han and Leia are sent to some of the political hotspots which have been developing over the course of the series, and there’s also the matter of Tahiri’s trial, which has occupied a tremendous amount of time.

Thankfully, the utter clusterfuck that all those events suggest is nowhere to be found, and the book itself is considerably more coherent than you might expect from hearing the description. With the considerable amount of storytelling, however, it was really nice to see some elements developed further, such as the Horn children, previously encased in carbonite due to a madness afflicting certain Jedi, unthawed and travelling the galaxy again. Without going into too much detail about their state on leaving carbonite, I will say that their objective ties in heavily with Luke and Ben’s.

The characters don’t really need too much talking about in this scenario, simply because...well, it’s Star Wars. If you don’t know the characters by now, you’re not reading this review to see if you want the book. The settings, however, take the characters from Klatooine all the way to Nam Chorios (which for me personally is one of the downsides, as I found Planet of Twilight to be one of the weaker stories in the EU) and deal with a variety of colourful characters. One of my personal favourites, Kyp Durron, has a small part in the story, and the Jedi themselves in general are developing really well in terms of countering both domestic problems and the rise of the Sith.

All in all, the story is really well done, but it’s one of those stories that requires a heavy investment in previous EU, particularly the few books leading up to this, so it’s by no means for every single fan of the franchise. However, if you’re collecting the series and wonder if it’s worth getting, the answer is a resounding “Yes”. Just maybe wait for the price to drop a little, hardback books are still a little on the costly side in my opinion.

If I had one thing to say about the book, it’s that there’s absolutely tons of buildup, and then the ending is a little bit of a damp squib. However, the ending does set up a rather tasty final couple of instalments, and it will be very interesting to see how events proceed from here.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: Lightsaber battles, Jedi and Sith abound.
Sex/Nudity: None.
Swearing: Only franchise-specific words.
Summary: The series ramps up further and further, I’m awaiting the conclusion with baited breath and so should you! 8/10
13 Bullets
David Wellington
Little, Brown

Available Now - £7.99 (Paperback)
Review by Brad Harmer

All the official reports say they are dead - extinct since the late '80s, when a fed named Jameson Arkeley nailed the last vampire in a fight that nearly killed him. But the evidence proves otherwise. When a state trooper named Caxton calls the FBI looking for help in the middle of the night, it is Arkeley who gets the assignment - who else? He's been expecting such a call. Sure, it's been years since any signs of an attack, but Arkeley knows what most people don't: there is one left. In an abandoned asylum she is rotting, plotting and biding her time in a way that only the undead can.

But the worst thing is the feeling that the vampires want more than just Caxton's blood. They want her for a reason, one she can't guess; a reason her sphinxlike partner knows but won't say; a reason she has to find out or die trying. Now there are only thirteen bullets between Caxton and Arkeley and the vampires. There are only thirteen bullets between us, the living, and them, the damned.

If you’ve been looking for an action packed book, then we’ve found it for you. If you’re tired of vampires as romantic, occasionally tragic, figures and want them to be evil, violent monster (ie. what a vampire should be), then we’ve found the book for you.

13 Bullets is paced like a 1980s horror novel, but unlike a lot of authors from this era who have never been able to evolve or update, (Hutson, I’m looking at you), 13 Bullets has managed to keep the vibe of the genre, but also be smart, hyperviolent and satisfying to read.
The pacing is incredible, there are some scenes that even I found scary (no mean feat – I’ve been reading horror for longer than some of our readers have been alive), and plot twists and turns that I didn’t see coming. Pulp horror at its absolute finest, and an essential read this year.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence:
Stabbing, shooting, explosions, traffic collisions, punching, torture, death, evisceration, extreme blood and gore.
Sex/Nudity: Full female nudity. References to lesbian sex.
Swearing: Frequent and strong.
Summary: A rip-roaring return to form for the vampire novel and a fantastic ‘Fuck You’ to the Twilight generation. Pulp action/horror at its absolute best. 10/10

DON'T LOOK NOW GIVEAWAY

Widely acclaimed as one of the greatest horror films ever made, Nicolas Roeg's (The Man Who Fell To Earth, Bad Timing) masterful Don't Look Now is based on Daphne Du Maurier's shattering short story.


Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie give career-best performances as John and Laura Baxter, an art restorer and his wife struggling to recover from the trauma of their daughter's accidental drowning. To assuage their grief, the young British couple travel to wintry Venice, on a working holiday to restore a church. Once there, they get involved with two otherworldly sisters, Heather and Wendy (Hilary Mason and Clelia Matania), one of whom is a blind medium who insists she can get them in touch with their late daughter and warns them of danger.

A truly original work that blends psychological thriller with a disturbing sense of the macabre, Don't Look Now also offers a profound and poignant mediation on love and loss. Making evocative use of its disquieting, out-of-season setting, an emerging generation of directors (not least Steven Soderbergh) have cited the film as an infuence, ensuring that its reputation as a modern classic continues to grow.

Thanks to our friends at Optimum Home Entertainment, we've got three copies of Don't Look Now on Blu-ray to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Tuesday 28th June, making sure to put "Don't Look Now" as the subject. The first three entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a free copy!

Don't forget to put "Don't Look Now" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Monday, 20 June 2011

The Ugly, The Bad and The E14: Movie Dads


Well, for UK-based E14ies, this weekend has seen Father's Day come and go yesterday, and the subject of fathers is very much a theme today. For those of you not from the UK....wow, what a June 19th it was eh? I, for one, aside from contacting my dad, enjoyed directing abuse at the London - Brighton bike ride, where a large number of arrogant cycling tossers flout traffic laws and ruin Brighton's view of cyclists, giving a bad name to the small minority who aren't complete fuckmooks. Anyway, today E14 looks at the best (and the very worst) of fathers in the movies.

The Ugly - Darth Vader
Movie(s): The Star Wars Saga



The artist formerly known as Anakin Skywalker has to rate as one of the worst fathers in cinema history. Personally, I think the life history of Jake Lloyd/Hayden Christensen/Sebastian Shaw Hayden Christensen's character is one of the most poignant in the genre, and yet he presents one of the worst parental role models in the history of film. If anything, it feels to me like his story actually seems more strikingly horrendous if you tell it backwards from Return of the Jedi all the way to Revenge of the Sith, where he actually becomes a father.

So, in Return of the Jedi, Darth Vader convinces Luke Skywalker to turn himself in to the Emperor who proceeds to send thousands and thousands of volts of electricity through the body of the young Jedi Knight. As if that wasn't enough, Vader has already fought Luke a ton by this point, knackering him out and making it so that the electricity probably feels that much worse just simply because he'd quite like a lie down at some point.

In The Empire Strikes Back, he chases his daughter (and her new boyfriend) halfway across the galaxy, at the same time showing his slightly younger child (only a couple of minutes, but it all counts) that the way to deal with the only black character in the series is to take his property from him and make it seem like that was what he agreed to in the first place. He then goes on to take on Luke in a lightsaber duel, and proceeds to chop his fucking hand off! What's probably the worst thing about it is that Vader knows full well that as Luke is not part of a registered company, he doubtless has no formal health insurance to speak of, and as a result probably is in some considerable financial debt to the Rebel Alliance. Say what you like about the Galactic Empire, but I'll bet their waiting lists for medical institutions were practically non-existent.

A New Hope sees Vader in some of his more interesting phase as a parent. After eighteen years of not paying child support of any kind, he proceeds to spend the movie having his daughter probed and tortured by that thing that looks a bit like a disco ball with a bad attitude and a lax attitude to personal space, and chopping down his son's only friend in the form of a kindly old British man. Serves him bloody right that he gets his space station blown up, the lack of child support payments considering that technically Darth Vader's role falls under the umbrella of a top-end government job financially suggests that he had it coming.

So in Revenge of the Sith, Anakin shows what kind of upbringing they're in for by...going mental and trying to choke the twins' mother to death while the twins are still in the womb. Good thing Obi-Wan had the high ground...

The Bad: Dr. Evil
Movie: The Austin Powers trilogy



"What?!" I hear some of you cry, "Dr. Evil is an amazing father! Just look at his relationship with Mini-Me! They have cuddles all the time, they share food and have similar clothing and cats, and they also indulge in music videos in every film they're together in!" To that, I say "Ha!" with an air of smugness as I remind those of you who fell into that trap that Mini-Me is NOT Dr Evil's son. He's his clone. In terms of familial relationship, it's like giving a jizzrag a bit of a hug before you flush it (or chuck it in the washing machine depending on your fancy). There's little real difference.

Dr. Evil's son, as many of you will recall, is Scott, played by the ever-awesome Seth Green of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Idle Hands fame. The relationship between these two is tense to say the least through the first two movies. In many cases, Scott can't even finish his sentence before Dr. Evil interrupts him. I spoke to E14's resident psychological expert, Dr. Bartender, and he had this to say on the subject of Dr. Evil's relationship with Scott:

It's clear from watching these documentaries that Dr. Evil is doing serious long-term damage to Scott by interrupting his sentences all the time. Scott is at the age in the films where his language skills are beginning to develop, and he will be looking for any excuse to practise his sentences in order to establish things like phonemes and....philonemes. Ok, you've got your quote, can I have that fiver for lunch now?

See what I mean? Irreperable damage is being done to his ego, for all the reasons Dr B has mentioned there. Ultimately, it's not surprising that Scott has to find himself becoming more like his father in order to get his attention, as Dr. Evil clearly will not deal with anyone who doesn't look even a little bit like him. Just look at Austin Powers, and how much he talks to him. Their likeness is uncanny!

The E14: Bryan Mills
Movie(s): Taken



Hey, E14ies. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever had...a birthday? I thought so. Now think back to the best birthday you can remember. Did you get a party? You did? Ok, how about a pony?...Really? Ok, well let's try this one on for size. Did your dad come to Europe to save you from life as an underground sex worker? If the answer to the last question is "No", then I have two pieces of bad news for you: all your birthdays have sucked and your so-called "Father" doesn't love you as much as you like to think.

Liam Neeson's most raw and gritty role since The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe fails to disappoint on any level, with the Irish star playing a character who could arguably have his job description referred to as "Ex-Rambo". A one-man wrecking machine, Mills is portrayed initially as a bit of a wet ponce, being talked to like a second-class citizen by his bitch of an ex-wife and her moneybags new husband, while all the while trying to re-build bridges with his estranged daughter. It all goes tits-up, however, when Mills trusts a young woman's friend to organise a holiday, and his daughter is stolen.

Cue Liam Neeson trekking through France, leaving dead bodies and broken bones in his wake as he goes after those responsible for taking his daughter in order to save her from a horrendous fate (of which arguably being sold into the sex trade against your will falls into the category). Particular highlights include him smashing in the faces of a number of Eastern European men who try to give him a bit of sass, and the bit with Holly Valance, because she's lovely.

I mean, when you think about it, who would you rather have coming after you in a time of crisis? A Dark Lord of the Sith who can't go a trimestre without choking someone in the birthing plan, a mad scientist who gets all cuddly with a box of Kleenex Man-size, or a guy who's played by Liam Neeson, whose filmography includes a Jedi AND fucking Ra's al Ghul? That's what I thought.

Sunday, 19 June 2011

Dickass DM

Remember good, old-fashioned gamebooks? They promised all the fun of a role-playing game, with none of the social interaction - what more could a teenage boy desire? The thing is, that while the gamebook became a great gaming experience in its own right, the only RPG it could possibly have simulated was one being GM'd by Satan himself. 90% of decisions led to certain death, and combat was often fatal.

Satan wasn't available, so Brad will be GMing Rob through an RPG based on the classic Joe Dever gamebook Highway Holocaust. Brad is the DM, and Rob plays his character, Brag Phoenix.

Catch up with previous Dickass DM installments here!
Brad: You return to the school in time to see Kate handing little Maria back to her parents. Juan and Rosita Rodriguez cannot thank her enough, and everyone else, including yourself, is full of praise for her.
MCSPINDLE: What happened to the hermit guy?
Brag: Paedo Joe? We lost him.
Brad: As the excitement begins to wane, Cutter appraches and asks you to brave the storm once more, this time to retrieve food and other vital supplies from the bus.
Willingly you agree. Makes a change from scouting, right?
Cutter: This is one heck of a blue norther...
Brad: You climb aboard the bus.
Cutter: Reckon it could hold us here for a day or two before it blows itself out.
Brag: I hope not...look at this...
Brad: You prise up the floor hatch that gives access to the luggage hold. A fetid smell rises from the compartment: The smell of rotted food.
Rob: I left all the luggage at the airport! Damn it!

Cutter: Dadburn it! That's all we need right now! The heat's put paid to these rations. Now we're really in for a hard time.
Brad: The colony react to the news of the spoiled food with silent disbelief.
Rob: Are we sure they've not starved to death?
Brad: What little that can be saved is carefully shared out, but it amounts to barely a day's rations per person.
Aunt Betty-Ann: If we don't find some food to replace what we've lost, it'll be a convoy of skeletons that drives into Big Spring.
MCSPINDLE: Fine with me.
Pop Ewell: Well, at least we've got enough water. We can live for three weeks without food, but we'd all be dead in three days without water.
Brag: Trust you to be logical, you old bastard! I'm peckish! Emergency!
Brad: Some people save their ration but you decide to eat yours before settling down to sleep. You awake ten hours later in a schoolroom bathed in bright sunlight. The storm has passed during the night and the sun has returnded, bringing with it the oppressive heat.
Cutter: Ninety-two degrees already...
Brad: He taps an old mercuric thermometer that hangs on the wall.
Cutter: And it's not yet eight o'clock. Today's a day for fryin' eggs on the sidewalk...if we had any eggs, that is.
MCSPINDLE: Hah! It's funny because I don't need food.
Brad: Soon the colony is busy making preparations to leave. After clearing away the dust you check your the BragWagon thoroughly, making sure that the fuel is clean and that the engine runs as smoothly as ever. Meanwhile, Cutter oversees a group who are working on the bus and Uncle Jonas heads another team who are servicing the tanker.
Rob: Sexually? Because that has to suck.
Brad: The others, led by Kate, search the school for anything that could be useful on the road ahead. By mid-morning the convoy is back on the road, following Freeway 20 away from the dust-blown ruins of Abilene on the next stage of the Journey west. You have been driving for little over an hour when you see a bridge in the distance and notice a glint of sunlight bouncing off a point near the centre of the parapet. Not until you are within a hundred yards of the bridge do you realise what is causing the refraction: it is the telescopy sight of a sniper's rifle and it is aimed directly at you!

Brag: Damnit. Alcatraz has found me.
Brad: You react swiftly to the danger by pulling the steering wheel to the left and leaning with your car as it swerves across the freeway. A moment later you hear the metallic whine of the bullet as it ricochets off the edge of your windshield.
Brag: You suck!
Brad: Tiny fragments of the high-velocity bullet pepper your headreast, but you survive the attack unscathed.
MCSPINDLE: Ow!
Brad: Quickly you recover control of The BragWagon and signal to the others to accelerate. By the time the unknown sniper has reloaded his rifle, you and the convoy are speeding away from the bridge, obscured by a cloud of dust. It is not until you reach the town of Trent, seven miles beyond the bridge, that you consider it safe to slow down and allow the convoy to resume its cruising speed.
MCSPINDLE: Why is Alcatraz shooting at me?
Brad: The sniper attack and the burning midday sun have left you shaking and streaming with sweat.
Brag: Well you're tied to me...and he hates me.
Brad: The battered houses and stores of this Texan town slip past and once again a featureless plain of broken, sun-baked earth stretchs before you. Your pulse has just returned to normal when you notice, out of the corner of your eye, something that sets it racing once more. Less than a mile to the north a small cloud of dust is moving across the plain parallel to the freeway. Slowly it draws nearer until you can hear the sound of two motorcycles and glimpse the ugly faces of their riders.

Brag: Shite.
Brad: They are both standing to help balance their bouncing machines, and as they approach the freeway, they open their throttles and lift their front wheels in a display of bravado. They draw level with The BragWagon, one on either side, and you notice the symbol that is painted on the sides of their fuel tanks. It is the head of a lion with its teeth bared: the symbol of the Detroit Lions clan. The clansman to your right shouts something but the rush of wind steals his words.
Brag: We've got to contend with pikey wind as well?!
Brad: You sense something land in the car, and when you turn to look, you are horrified to see a live grenade lying on the passenger seat besids you.
MCSPINDLE: My Bodes Ill light has come on again.
Brag: I'll top it up, alright?!
Brad: With terror gnawing at your insides you reach down and take hold of the grenade. In the next instant you hurl it out of the car and slam your foot down on the gas pedal.
Rob: This can only end well, can't it?
Brad: Seconds later there is a dull thud, and in your rear view mirror you see the biker to your left disappear in a ball of orange flame as the grenade explods underneath his motorcycle and ignites the fuel tank. Cutter sounds the bus' horn to alert you to the position of the remaining clansman.
Brag: Wow, that was fortunate!
Rob: That's a hell of a horn he's got.
'Beep! he's on your left!'
Brad: He is coming up fast on your blind side and, as he draws level, he jerks a machine pistol from his saddle-bag, cocks the bolt with his teeth, and open fire. You accelerate a split second before the angry clansman empties his machine pistol into The BragWagon in one long burst of fire.

MCSPINDLE: I need an adult!
Brad: The special armour-piercing loads penetrate the rear...many of them passing clean through the trunk and out the far side.
MCSPINDLE: I'm...dying...so...much...pain...
Brad: Miraculously, you escaped with just a grazed rib, the bullet having been stopped by the thickness of your driving seat.
Brag: MCSPINDLE!
Brad: Had it travelled two inches further it would have severed your spine!
MCSPINDLE: Yes?
Brag: I thought you were hurt.
MCSPINDLE: Yes; I'm in agony.
Brad: Once more you glance in your mirror and see the biker coax his machine into your slipstream. Behind him the convoy is barely visible, the bus and tanker cannot match the speed that you have maintained in your race against the clansmen.
Brag: Poofs.
Brad: Then you see your enemy reaching inside his leather jacket. He withdraws a grenade, pulls out the safety pin with his teeth, and gets ready to lob it into The BragWagon.
Brag: Not again!
Brad: Immediately you stamp on the brake pedal and fight with the steering wheel to keep the BragWagon in a straight line as it screeches to a halt. A moment later there is a tremendous jolt as the clansman crashes into the rear of the BragWagon.
MCSPINDLE: Ow...

Brad: An instant later he somersaults over your head, wide-eyed with terror, before disappearing behind the central crash barrier that divides the freeway. A muffled boom and a plume of dust marks the violent demise of yet another Detroit Lion.
Brag: Suck it!
Brad: You pull over in order to check the battle damage and allow the rest of the convoy to catch up with you. Fortunately the vital rear sections of The BragWagon - the fuel tank, axle and McSpindle's CPU - are still intact. Most of the damage has been absorbed by the trunk and the fender, but the incident makes you sorely aware of the need for better protection, and you make a mental note to ask Cutter to help you reinforce the bodywork at the first opportunity.
Rob: Oh, joy.
Brad: A few minutes later the convoy arrives. Having passed the burning remains of your adversaries the others are relived to find you still in one piece. You inform them that the bikers were Detroit Lions, probably scouts, and that you suspect that the clan is no more than thirty miles away.
Cutter: Well, at least those two you ran into won't be reporting our position to Mad Dog, or anyone else, for that matter. Like Alcatraz.
Uncle Jonas: Even so...we daren't afford t'stop too long in any one place.
Brag: I...uh...yeah, that's fine.
Uncle Jonas: We gotta keep ahead o' that pack all the way to Big Spring.
Brag: Sorry, it takes me a while to process all this fucking gibberish out of your mouth.
Brad: The next town on the freeway is Sweetwater. Most of the buildings are still standing, although few have roofs as a result of yesterday's storm. Except for a few hungry coyote that have come down from the hills looking for jack rabbits, the place is deserted.
MCSPINDLE: I thought they ate Road Runners. You learn something new every day.
Brad: Cutter signals for you to stop. The engine of the bus is overheating and, despite the risk of a clan attack, it must be allowed to cool down. The other take the opportunity to search the town for food, and you busy yourself by refuelling the BragWagon.
Uncle Jonas: What do you make of that, Brag?

Brad: He is standing on the cab of the tanker, pointing at a shimmering ribbon of light to the south of the town.
Brag: If that's a line of fucking snipers, I give up.
Brad: You climb up beside him and immediately you see that it is the sun reflecting off the surface of a small lake.
Uncle Jonas: Water!
Brad: The chance of replenishing the colony's depleted water supply is too good an opportunity to miss.
Brag: Be careful...I've seen Apocalypse Now..."
Brad: Uncle Jonas helps you load some empty plastic containers on to the BragWagon, and Kate volunteers to come with you to help fill and carry them. As soon as she is aboard, you start the enginer and drive off towards the distant lake.
Brag: Great, stuck in the car with a moody woman for company...
Brad: The lake occupies the centre of a saucer like depression and, as you bring your roadster to a halt at the edge of this rocky rim and stare down at the shimmering water below, you are heartened to see that clumps of vegetation are growing close by: a sure sign that the water is not contaminated. The sides of the depression are steep and covered with loose shale. Rather than risk a fall, you suggest to Kate that perhaps you should go down to the lake alone.
Brag: For fuck's sake. Now I'm sending myself on alone.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Words: Brad Harmer & Robert Wade
You can become Brad's "friend" on Facebook, or you can "follow" him on Twitter. Depends how creepy you want to sound really.
This is intended as a loving tribute to Joe Dever, the Freeway Warrior series, Highway Holocaust, and all other gamebooks of yesteryear.