Dickass DM - The Adventures Of Hercule Braggart: Trouble At The Track - Part 3

Remember good, old-fashioned gamebooks? They promised all the fun of a role-playing game, with none of the social interaction - what more could a teenage boy desire? The thing is, that while the gamebook became a great gaming experience in its own right, the only RPG it could possibly have simulated was one being GM'd by Satan himself. 90% of decisions led to certain death, and combat was often fatal. Satan wasn't available, so Brad will be GMing Rob through an RPG based on a classic Sherlock Holmes gamebook. Brad is the DM, and Rob plays his character, Hercule Braggart.

When last we left our heroes, Holmes' face had just hardened at the racetrack. We're still not sure what that entails, but presumably it's impervious to most types of damage.

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Catch up with Part 1 Here
Catch up with Part 2 Here

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HOLMES: "[mutters] I'm surprised those men are allowed anywhere near a stable..."
BRAGGART: "Who do you mean? Is it the men over there who look shifty, or the small children playing in the puddles?"
Brad: Holmes points out two men in the crowd.
HOLMES: "Those two men there."
BRAGGART: "I thought it would be those, but I can never tell with you."
Brad: One is dressed in the elegance of the upper classes, while the other wears the loud clothes of the sporting toff.
BRAGGART: "Is this like Trading Places or something?"
HOLMES: "The men I saw are gamblers."
BRAGGART: "Well, it's not hard to see which one's better at it."
HOLMES: "They've been implicated in one or two races that had odd results, though no charges could be proven in court. I wasn't asked to look into the cases, as it happens. But even if it were impossible for the club to warn them off the turf entirely, I'm surprised anyone would allow them near the horses."
BRAGGART: "Maybe they're on the pull. They look the type."
HOLMES: "The gentlemanly one is named Fitzhugh, while his partner is called Bowser."
BRAGGART: "Surely not...Oh, you *don't* mean the giant fucking green lizard?"

Brad: Watson leads the way to one of the low hills between stables and track and shakes out a blanket for the three of you to sit on.
WATSON: "I always sit here."
HOLMES: "[sardonically] A lucky seat?"
Brad: Holmes sits down. Watson tries to wither Holmes with a look.
Rob : "Yeah, best of luck with that. He's not a plant."
WATSON: "Luck has nothing to do with it, Holmes. This gives us a good view as the horses warm up and is convenient to the wagering tables."
Brad: The truth of this observation is proven during the early races. Watson takes full advantage of the convenient location, with a success that has him crowing in delight.
BRAGGART: "Who does your bets then Watson? Losey McLose of Losertown?"
WATSON: "I always bet with Roscoe."
Brad: Holmes seems to stiffen a bit at that name.
Rob : Wa-hey!
BRAGGART: "Roscoe O' Bastard? Why?"
HOLMES: "Doesn't the man's reputation concern you a little, Watson? There's been mention of Roscoe benefiting from some of the major upsets."
WATSON: "Oh, there's that sort of talk about every such chap. I know that Roscoe is honest with his customers."
BRAGGART: "Only the ones he respects."
WATSON: "He always has the cash on hand to pay me when I win, and one cannot say that of all his rivals. And he has booths at every track, which I find convenient. Also, you often get better odds from a man who does a good deal of trade."

Brad: Watson's really pissy in this, isn't he?
Rob : He really is.
Brad: This gamebook is making them out to be even more of a gay couple than Doyle does.
Rob : He lays it on a bit thick, no doubt. His characters though, he's allowed.
Brad: Searching your memory of crime news, you remember the name "Roscoe".
BRAGGART: "Roscoe P. Coltrane!"
Brad: There had been reports in the sporting press that he had unusual luck in anticipating the failure of some highly-touted horses and made large profits as a result. All the evidence indicated, however, that his profits came from purchasing information from stable employees rather than from actually fixing a race. Watson looks at his watch.
WATSON: "Come along, Holmes. Let's place our wagers before the horses for the main event are brought out."
BRAGGART: "It's generally better to bet before the race."
WATSON: "There's no sense waiting when we know which horse we want to back."
Brad: The two men walk toward the wagering tables, leaving you unattended. Awaiting their return, you overhear two men talking behind you mention "Irish Star", causing you to look at them. One is Phillips, the grain dealer pointed out to you earlier. From his massive size and leather apron, the other man appears to be a smith. Phillips is doing the talking.
You decide to try and sneak close to them and overhear their conversation.
BRAGGART: "Excuse me, did you say Irish Stew? Is this a raid?"

Brad: As you mingle with the people near Phillips and the smith, Phillips notices you.
PHILLIPS: [looking around] "No, Bench, I think we'd better talk this over later, when we can be a little more private."
Brad: With a nod of agreement, the two men separate. Wow. Victorian London was *really* gay, wasn't it?
Rob : I'm amazed English people are still around. I can't imagine people were having kids, considering all the gayness.

Brad: It's not just me, is it? This is *really* gay.
Rob : At least it's not a zombie carrot, dude.
Brad: Holmes and Watson return from placing their bets...which probably involved some sort of hand job...still continuing their earlier very gay argument about the horses.
Rob : It's about dick measuring I take it?
Brad: As they settle comfortably on the grass, trumpets sound for the horses to enter the track, and outriders lead the thoroughbreds onto the track. Doctor Watson rises eagerly.
Rob : Wa-hey!

WATSON: "[mincing] There they come, Holmes! Irish Star is the handsome gray under the yellow and blue silks."
HOLMES: "Oh, fabulous."
WATSON: "Maiwand is the black: his rider wears brown. Do you see them, duckie?"
BRAGGART: "Yes..."
Brad: See if you can spot when I'm gaying up the text and when I'm not. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Rob : I never shrink from a challenge.
WATSON: "Irish Star is a fabulous looking horse."
Rob : Not gayed up.

Brad: But as he runs through a patter of admiration (even though he didn't bet on the horse), it seems to you that Irish Star looks dull and heavy-footed, as if he is sleep-walking. Watson appears to be watching Irish Star in a very gay way, perhaps hoping to notice some flaw that will prove the wisdom of his choice.
WATSON: "Why, the jockey's feeding something to Irish Star! This is a funny time for that, I should think?"
BRAGGART: "Might be crack. Can't help when the shakes come."
Brad: After the horses warm up, the starter quickly gets them lined up at the white chalk and gives the signal for the start. The horses break, but Irish Star erupts more slowly than the others and doesn't respond when his rider whips him. The heavy favourite is running well behind the field, and the two or three leaders seem intent on building their advantage, apparently afraid that the grey's superiority will still emerge. Under the jockey's constant whipping, Irish Star tries to respond, but the big grey doesn't run well.
Rob : You said "grey". Do you mean "gay"?
Brad: Three horses cross the finish line in a bunch, and Watson's girlish squeal of delight reveals that Maiwand might have been the winner.

BRAGGART: "You're awfully quiet, Holmes."
Brad: Irish Star finishes ten lengths back, looking tired and almost bored by the effort.
WATSON: "So much for science, Holmes. [laughing] This will make my leg-ache feel better on rainy days."
Brad: Holmes' eyes hold something of disdain as he looks back at the doctor.
HOLMES: "Indeed, Watson? Has the bullet moved from your shoulder to your leg again? I should think it would be obvious even to your prejudiced view that something was very wrong with the running of that race."
BRAGGART: "Do you mean to say that Watson is a racist?"
HOLMES: "Without doubt! If you consider yourself a detective, it should be obvious to you that something was very wrong with Irish Star. Your question surprises me. But it doesn't matter. It's good for Watson to score off of me on occasion, and I have no time to look into the case before my train leaves."
Brad: Holmes turns away, unwilling to go into any detail. He's a dick.
BRAGGART: "He scored from you? I thought you kept the good stuff for yourself."

Brad: For a time, there is little talk, as you wait for the signal that the race results are official. As you stand waiting, a tall, heavy man hurries up to you.
BRAGGART: "Oh, Losey...how's the family?"
Brad: He looks like the stereotype of a former Army officer (which is handy for the writer), ramrod-backed, with a red face set-off by a greying moustache.
COL. STUART: [to Holmes] "Mr Sherlock Holmes?"
Brad: Holmes nods.
COL. STUART: "I thought I recognised you. I am Colonel Ian Stuart, owner of Irish Star. As you may be aware, he was the heavy favourite for the race today."
HOLMES: "I am aware of that fact. I lost a pound on him, as it happens."
BRAGGART: "He bet on him. Touchy subject."
Rob : A pound?! What's the problem?
Brad: I think that's a significant amount of money in the 1880s. That's probably like £200. Possibly more.
Rob : Christ, what's he betting £200 on a lethargic horse for?
Brad: He's Sherlock Holmes. He'd only waste it on enough drugs to stun Keith Moon, anyway.
COL. STUART: "Then if you know racing, sir, you know that something was done to my horse today. I should like you to investigate the matter."

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Stay tuned to E14 for the next thrilling edition of Dickass DM, coming April 18th!

Dickass DM - The Adventures Of Hercule Braggart: Trouble At The Track - Part 2

Remember good, old-fashioned gamebooks? They promised all the fun of a role-playing game, with none of the social interaction - what more could a teenage boy desire? The thing is, that while the gamebook became a great gaming experience in its own right, the only RPG it could possibly have simulated was one being GM'd by Satan himself. 90% of decisions led to certain death, and combat was often fatal. Satan wasn't available, so Brad will be GMing Rob through an RPG based on a classic Sherlock Holmes gamebook. Brad is the DM, and Rob plays his character, Hercule Braggart.

When last we left our intrepid hero, Braggart had just noticed Holmes' expression change. Not very exciting, I know, but it's only part 1. Catch up with it Here!

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Brad: From Holmes' expression you see that his mind is drifting away towards some other problem. As quickly as politeness permits, you bid them good day and leave. Some small matters delay you on Friday, and Holmes and Watson are boarding their cab as you run up Baker Street to meet them. The driver is busy piling their luggage on top of the groaner.
Rob : They sound like 1890s hooker names.
WATSON: "You almost missed us. It should be an interesting afternoon. Holmes is certain he already knows the winner in the feature and mocks my choice. Get in, and let's be off."
BRAGGART: "That's not all he mocks, I've heard him. I've even heard the phrase 'gimpy walk' used."
Brad: You do not need a second invitation, and soon the three of you are rattling through the streets, where most of the populace is concerned with far more serious business than a day at the races. You pay little attention to the London crowds, though, given a rare chance to talk with the world's greatest consulting detective.
HOLMES: "How is your education progressing?"
BRAGGART: "Oh, Auntie Sherlock, I'm too smart for conventional education, you know that very well! I'm good enough at the evidence bit, but I struggle to narrow the field down to one suspect like you can. I suspect I'm a long way off. And there's this bloke at school who keeps trying to shove me in a locker. The strange thing is that he almost always tries to follow me in on the occasions where he comes close to success. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that if two people want to engage in such things, but it's not for me."

HOLMES: "It is a lifetime's study..."
BRAGGART: "What, homosexuality?"
HOLMES: "...and even then, there will be more than one time when you prove yourself a fool. That has happened to me, as Watson has told the world in his tales."
BRAGGART: "I understood it was some careful application and the right pressu...let's not talk about this. Oh yeah! You got totally humbled by that American bird."
HOLMES: "But one thing to consider - wherever you are and whatever you happen to be doing, keep your eyes open for things that might lead to crime. My greatest successes have come in matters where I have had an idea in advance that something was going to happen, and have been able to take steps to prevent the crime or catch the perpetrator in the act. That was how Watson and I saved Dr Roylott's stepdaughter from his evil designs and solved other cases."
WATSON: "Surely you downgrade your genius, Holmes."
BRAGGART: "Does that bring down the price?"
WATSON: "You make the most difficult tasks seem simple, you know."
HOLMES: "Not at all. But if you know a wealthy man has an heir desperate for money, you can prevent a crime by a word in the heir's ear. Or if we should see a notorious gambler bet heavily on a long shot today, we would protect the purity of the turf with a word to the stewards."
BRAGGART: "'Fucking Stop it!'?"

HOLMES: "A man who would make a career of detection must always have his eyes open to everything around him. It is the only way to do one's job."
WATSON: "Oh, enough talk of detection, Holmes! Why don't you tell my cousin about the race this afternoon?"
BRAGGART: "I already know there's a race... See? I learn..."
WATSON: "Explain to him why your logical and scientific approach to handicapping will do better than my foolish 'hunch'."
Brad: Watson laughs merrily, even as Holmes frowns.
HOLMES: "Watson, you should know better than to mock logic. You must admit that your attempts at picking winning horses have cost you half your pension."
WATSON: "Now, now, Holmes; I've done better than that."
BRAGGART: "So, Holmes, which filly do you like the look of? Not that I mean girl, oh my no! Not in this context, anyway. Not that I'm suggesting you don't like...I...So. Horses. Which one? Please."
HOLMES: "I am going to bet on Irish Star. He is a very strong horse and runs consistently well. He doesn't belong on the same track with the rest of the field - it is only an odd quirk in the conditions that allow him to run. From every point of past performance and current condition, there is simply no way that the horse can fail to win."

BRAGGART: "What do you mean he doesn't belong on the track with the rest? Is he a greyhound? Watson, why won't you put your money on him? Are you scared? Worried a greyhound on the track might upset your precious status quo?"
HOLMES: "Doctor Watson intends to bet on a horse called Maiwand, because it is named for the battle where he was wounded. He considers it a lucky omen, I believe."
Brad: Watson squirms slightly, although his usual bulldog expression indicates he will not change his mind.
BRAGGART: "Considering you were wounded there, I doubt that. Is Irish Star a bad omen for you? Were you wounded by some Protestant Shuriken?"
WATSON: "Well, what Holmes doesn't understand is that a horse doesn't always run true to form, and I have heard that Irish Star isn't going to run well today. And if you eliminate Irish Star, why, Maiwand is quite as good as any other horse in the race. Whatever Holmes thinks of me, I'm not fool enough to bet a bad horse just because I like his name."
Brad: As Watson chuckles, Holmes remains aloof and unresponsive to his teasing.

BRAGGART: "So your argument is....no to Irish Star, so yes to any other horse? Who told you Irish Star wouldn't run well? Maiwand? Is there a conspiracy?"
WATSON: "Oh, Tom Oliver, a waiter at my club. When he saw me looking over the entries this morning, he warned me about the horse."
BRAGGART: "Is he a horse?"
HOLMES: "A waiter at your club, Watson? But if he is so expert on form surely he wouldn't have to spend his days at such menial labour."
WATSON: "The man has connections at the track, nonetheless."
BRAGGART: "I ask again: Is. He. A. Horse?"
WATSON: "Holmes, you must admit you have found sources in more unlikely places many a time."
Brad: This riposte leads Holmes to a discussion of some of the more unlikely witnesses he has encountered over the years.
BRAGGART: "Remember that story where you interviewed a postage stamp?"

Brad: Holmes fills the rest of your trip to the track with stories from his past investigations, recounting many of the odd sources of information which have yielded clues. You sit, drinking it in, hoping you can use some of his ploys when faced with similar problems yourself. Finally, you reach the Thameside Racing Grounds. It is a simple place, for races are run here only a few weeks in the year.
Rob : Seems wasteful.
Brad: Low hills near the track provide alternative seating to the small grandstand and also shield the stables from some of the noise raised by the stands and the nearby railroad. Fresh paint on the stands and fences as well as the excellent condition of the turf show that the groundskeepers have made every effort to get the oval track ready for the races. As you pass through the gates, Holmes glances around him, following his habitual pattern of seemingly observing everything.
WATSON: "Anything interesting, Holmes? I hope we shan't have to give up these pleasures to pursue some rogue."

Brad: Watson laughs. Holmes smiles thinly.
HOLMES: "No rogues, but there's a man who once crossed the line."
Brad: He indicates a plump little man dressed in tweeds who is giving directions to a wagon driver.
HOLMES: "His name is Phillips. At his wit's end, he was about to steal from an Uncle to get the money to go into business. I warned his uncle, who listened to his plans and lent him the money. Now he supplies grain and hay to half the racing stables in the south of England."
Brad: Suddenly, Holmes' face hardens.
BRAGGART: "What the hell just happened to your face?"

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Stay tuned to E14 for the next thrilling edition of Dickass DM, coming April 11th!

Dickass DM - The Adventures Of Hercule Braggart: Trouble At The Track - Part 1

Remember good, old-fashioned gamebooks? They promised all the fun of a role-playing game, with none of the social interaction - what more could a teenage boy desire? The thing is, that while the gamebook became a great gaming experience in its own right, the only RPG it could possibly have simulated was one being GM'd by Satan himself. 90% of decisions led to certain death, and combat was often fatal. Satan wasn't available, so Brad will be GMing Rob through an RPG based on a classic Sherlock Holmes gamebook. Brad is the DM, and Rob plays his character, Hercule Braggart.

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That's right...

Rob : Witness the return of HERRCUUUUUUUUUULE BRAAAAAAAGGARRRRRRRRT!
Brad: On a pleasant summer day in London, you decide to visit your mentor, Sherlock Holmes, and your cousin, Doctor John Watson. Perhaps today Mr Holmes will hand you a case to solve yourself.
Rob : That'd be nice; I've had to read about them until now.
Brad: Upon reaching 221B Baker Street, Mrs Hudson admits you with a smile, although obviously in the midst of a busy cleaning session.
MRS HUDSON: "How nice to see you again. Mr Holmes and Doctor Watson are in their rooms. You know the way."
BRAGGART: "Are they decent?"
MRS HUDSON: "You might do me a favour..."
BRAGGART: "Are you in need of a gentleman companion?"
MRS HUDSON: "Dr Watson's newspaper just came. It would save me a trip if you'd take it with you. I just came down from carrying the doctor a telegram, and I've a thousand things to do today."
BRAGGART: "Can I pretend I wrote it on the way upstairs?"

Brad: At your knock, Mr Holmes invites you in, and both men great you brusquely. Doctor Watson sits at his desk, writing, a telegram sticking out of his vest pocket.
BRAGGART: "Jesus, put those away guys!"
Brad: His pipe drawing well, Holmes relaxes near the window.
BRAGGART: "You have a pipe that can draw? Well, I can write newspapers in four seconds!"
Brad: You hand your cousin his newspaper and sit to talk with Holmes. Although rarely given easily, the detective's thoughts are always worth hearing. As you talk, you notice Watson turn to the back page of his paper, look at it intently for a moment, and then toss it aside with a grunt of disgust. Holmes chuckles.

HOLMES: "You're quite right, Watson. You will make more money telling the story of Silver Blaze than betting on any of tomorrow's races."
WATSON: "That's what I decided, Holmes. Those horses would have trouble - how did you know what I was thinking?"
HOLMES: "I know the same way I always know. By observation and reasoning. Besides, Watson, you make so much from my analysis of the trivial that you hardly have the right to complain."
BRAGGART: "...I'm still here."
WATSON: "All right, Holmes, the point is well taken."
Brad: Watson blushes and smiles.
WATSON: "But for the life of me, I don't see how you did it this time. I hadn't even told you that I was writing one of your adventures, much less which case."
HOLMES: "Very well, Watson, I shall explain...No, I have a better idea. Our young friend here will retrace my steps and show us how well he has studied my techniques. Come now, see what you can do. I shall provide a little guidance."

Brad: Suddenly nervous, you marshal your thoughts, trying to remember every significant detail of the morning.
BRAGGART: "Where would I begin, Mr 'Olmes?"
HOLMES: "Why don't you try the telegram first? Just before you arrived, Watson received a telegram which he stuck in his pocket without reading. What does that suggest to you?"
BRAGGART: "He's illiterate?"
HOLMES: *stares*
BRAGGART: "The note was irrelevant to my cousin's writings. He's a proper swot when he's got a project, and so he is. So he ignored it until his work was complete. Also, he *is* illiterate. He's drawing flip comics of your adventures."
HOLMES: "Very good. There is some hope for your ambition."

Brad: Holmes continues to guide your analysis of the scene.
HOLMES: "Now, the next question to address is: was Watson writing letters or one of his stories? Try to tell just by looking at his desk - it should provide all the clues you need."
Brad: You survey Watson's desk point-by-point. Envelopes, stamps and other supplies fill the slots along the raised back. A pile of hand-written sheets lies at the left side, while blank paper is handy on the eight. Watson pretends to write on a sheet, perhaps to recreate the scene. Three crumpled balls of paper are scattered around his feet.

HOLMES: "Now that you've studied his desk, is he writing letters or a story?"
BRAGGART: "A story. There are no envelopes or stamps removed from the raised back of his desk. Also, he could probably do with a bin."
HOLMES: "Very good. Now see if you know what he was writing about."
BRAGGART: "Well, it was irrelevant to the contents of the telegram, of that I can be sure. However, it was not irrelevant to the contents of the paper. So naked girls and weather. But seriously, the horses are usually on the back, I've seen my mate Leroy go through them. I presume, therefore, that the case involves horses in some way. I'm guessing Silver Blaze is a horse? Or failing that, a jockey...but it's more likely a horse."

Brad: Watson laughs and applauds.
WATSON: "He will challenge you any day now, Holmes! Though I'm not sure I like the idea of the two of you reading volumes from my every gesture!"
BRAGGART: "Well it's easier than Captain Aspergers' here, that's for sure."
Brad: Holmes nods in more restrained praise.
HOLMES: "It will do for a start."
Brad: Holmes smiles mischievously.
BRAGGART: "See, that's what I'm talking about."
HOLMES: "Oh, Watson, in your story, did you tell of the dog who did not bark in the night?"
WATSON: "Indeed, Holmes, it is one of the key points."
HOLMES: "As well it should be. [turns to Braggart] It was an important teaching point, too. When you investigate something, look for what isn't there or didn't happen as well as what was or did. Watson, now that we have fully distracted you from your writing, shouldn't you read the telegram?"
WATSON: "[distracted voice] Telegram? Oh, yes, the telegram."

Brad: He rips open the envelope and reads it quickly.
WATSON: "Why, Holmes, it is from Sir Henry Baskerville. He invites us for the weekend, noting that he has something to show you well worth your time."
BRAGGART: "He sounds familiar."
HOLMES: "He does, does he?"
BRAGGART: "Oh, does he have a daughter called Judith?"
HOLMES: "More probably he feels he still owes us hospitality for that little matter we solved some time ago. Well, as you received the telegram, Watson, you must send our refusal."
WATSON: "Indeed, I will not, Holmes. Sir Henry provided us with a most interesting investigation, you must admit. Surely we can spare him a weekend. The fresh air will do you good, and you have no case to tie you to London at this time."
HOLMES: "Oh, very well, Watson. I can see I will have no peace until I agree. We can take a late train Friday afternoon."
BRAGGART: "Am I coming too? Only it's awkward with Judith; I'm the one who started that nickname."

Brad: This is really adding weight to the 'gay couple' theory, isn't it?
Rob : Especially the bickering.
Brad: Holmes busies himself with his pipe once more.
WATSON: "I have only one regret, Holmes."
HOLMES: "What is that, Watson?"
WATSON: "You will miss your chance to instruct me in the art of picking winning race horses - on Friday we had planned to go down to the track."
Brad: Holmes pulls his Bradshaw down from the bookcase and looks up the train schedule, then nods.

HOLMES: "Not at all, Watson. We can catch the train at a station near the racing grounds. Unless something holds up the card, we should be able to see the feature and have time to collect our winnings afterwards."
BRAGGART: "You go to the races? I'd have had you for a strip club fan."
HOLMES: "I usually am, but Watson needs a lesson or two from a logical mind to cut his losses. The race on Friday will provide an excellent demonstration. I am certain which horse will win, while Watson has his own ideas on the matter."
WATSON: "Why don't you join us? Then I shall have a witness when I show Holmes that pure logic is not the solution to every problem. Meet us here at noon - that is all right with you, isn't it?"
HOLMES: "Certainly."
BRAGGART: "Hey Holmes, you OK? You've got that look on your face like when you see the Sudoku's been done."

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What has caused Holmes to put on a weird face? Stay tuned to E14 for the next thrilling edition of Dickass DM, coming April 4th!

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