Shitty Box-Art Round Up

Art Academy

Brad: This is another one of those "It takes as much practice as just doing the real thing" games, that I don't see the point in.
Rob: To be fair, you can argue that point for almost any game. I could wander the sands of Nevada like Fallout: New Vegas.
Brad: No, here's my thing. In...Madden, say, you can play a little mini-game, and your character will get X amount of improvement as a result. The amount of time it takes to learn a song in Guitar Hero is nothing compared to how long it would take on a real guitar.
Rob: True.
Brad: And that's cool - it's abstraction. It's playing. It's what games are for!
Rob: Sure.
Brad: But...here's something that gives you all the time-consuming practice of drawing...without actually any of the benefits of drawing! Unless there's H.R. Giger DLC. Then I'm all over this.
Rob: Ooh, that'd be awesome. Dali is too obvious, Giger would be good
Brad: Or Escher.
Rob: Escher would be excellent. You know what would be cool in gaming?
Brad: Tits.
Rob: ...You know what else would be cool?
Brad: Bigger tits.
Rob: Fucking hell. I have an idea. Do you want to hear it?
Brad: Even bigger tits.
Rob: I didn't even ask...If you could draw something in Art Academy, like an Escher drawing, and then use it in some sort of Mario game as a level design.
Brad: I would play the shit out of that. Didn't they try and do some sort of "draw something make it come to life" thing with the PS3 camera? I vaguely remember seeing a trailer for it.
Rob: It sounds familiar. I reckon we can get away with saying it definitely exists. Selman doesn't really know his games.
Brad: And our 5,999 other readers?
Rob: They don't seem interested.
Brad: Fair point. Would you buy this?
Rob: I don't think I would, but then I hardly play my DS.
Brad: 7/10.
Rob: 6/10. I can't figure out how it's step by step beyond "Step 1: Learn to draw. Step 2: Do it."

---

Steel Diver

Brad: I'm looking forward to the possibility of a "Revenge on Ecco" scenario.
Rob: Fuck, I hate that dolphin.
Brad: Everybody did. That's why they ran away and left him alone to die. That was the ending I made up in my head after pissing around for fifteen minutes, then throwing the power switch to "Off".
Rob: Don't forget about the Badly Rendered Tornado of Doom!
Brad: So, looking at this...you can play as a boat...a submarine, a submarine or a submarine. Yay, variety!
Rob: Where's the Diver? Or are they just using 'diver' as a euphemism for submarine?
Brad: He's being eaten by the Ammonite.
Rob: Tough break.
Brad: This looks like they're going to war against the giant mollusc.
Rob: Yeah, that does seem a little battly.
Brad: What's your plot for this?
Rob: I reckon it's one of two things.
Brad: Okay.
Rob: Either it's like Endless Ocean, and you're some sort of explorer/underwater photographer.
Brad: Ah, Dead Rising.
Rob: Or, you play a magic paper giraffe....
Brad: I reckon it's a Tower Defence game, where you play as the ammonite defending itself against a horde of submarines, where you have to...oh, I don't know...plant different types of coral to fend them off. Also, the submarines are zombies. Score?
Rob: 5/10.
Brad: 1/10.
Rob: It's not very exciting, and a little on the blue side.

---

Shadow Wolf Mysteries: Curse Of The Full Moon - Collector's Edition

Brad: This looks like one of those t-shirts that you see douchebags wearing.
Rob: Don't they come with slogans as well, usually?
Brad: You often see people who want to be thought of as bikers with the hilarious wolf-shirts. I don't usually remember seeing them with slogans. So...this is one of those "Hidden Object" games.
Rob: There are plenty of those douchey shirts about.
Brad: I own a few.
Rob: Really? I wouldn't consider that Aliens shirt you've got to be douchey.
Brad: The fact I have to ask "Which one?" tells a lot about me, doesn't it?
Rob: Indeed. I meant the sort of acid wash green one.
Brad: The one of the Xenomorph playing an electric guitar?
Rob: It's playing a guitar?
Brad: I have two. One's a Giger painting that I got at the HR Giger Museum in Gruyere. The other one is cartoony drawing of an alien playing an electric guitar. It's a custom, spray-paint one.
Rob: I'm thinking it's probably the first one I'm thinking of then.
Brad: Most of my t-shirts are either Star Wars themed, or of bands that I've played with.
Rob: What you should do is get a gig with the Modal Nodes, then you'd only need one shirt.
Brad: The sad thing is that my Mum has a Max Rebo Band shirt.
Rob: Nice.
Brad: 8/10.
Rob: 8/10.

---

Street Cleaning Simulator

Rob: I bet when they went to the publisher and said "It's a game about cleaning up the streets" they imagined they were getting the next LA Noire.
Brad: There are no words to describe what a stupid and redundant concept this is. I mean that literally. I can't describe it. From now on, when you see a redundant and/or bizarrely niche game, people will say "Wow, that's a real Street Cleaning Simulator".
Rob: If we create that meme, I'll be fucking livid.
Brad: Who is this aimed at? And can you promise me that I'll never meet them?
Rob: I'm not sure. And no, you know I can't promise that. The same as I can't promise the authorities that you'll never meet Natalie Portman.
Brad: My mother always said that there are no monsters...but there are, aren't there?
Rob: Just not in the way you thought.
Brad: I am literally just staring at this thing, dumbstruck. Who...why...What is the...How...
Rob: I don't see how it can progress in a narrative sense.
Brad: "Choose from a selection of highly detailed sweeping machines as you navigate the city in search of detritus.". Who wants this? "Get up close to the grime with custom zoomed camera views and a dynamic particle system as your cleaning vehicle devours the dust in fourteen challenging missions.". I...don't...Help. My soul hurts just knowing that this exists. 3/10
Rob: 1/10.
Brad: Let's find something less weird.

---

Traffic Manager

Rob: You said "less weird", right? I didn't just imagine that.
Brad: We seem to have crashed into a parallel universe where all gamers are superheros, carjackers, muscle-bound soldiers and big-titted archaeologists who like to unwind by playing games where they do menial jobs at the local council.
Rob: See, this belongs as part of a bigger game. Like in Sim City, if this was loaded up as an option within the game, I'd be okay with it.
Brad: I get that.
Rob: I could even understand its appeal as a Facebook game.
Brad: I can't understand the appeal of any Facebook games, beyond "Wind Up the Emo Bitch".
Rob: Hmmm.
Brad: You know what I love about this cover? The hyperbolic font. "HAVE YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A..."
"TRAFFIC MANAGER?"
I have hiatus hernia and a lackadaisical attitude to work. I think I'd be perfect.
Rob: Indeed.
Brad: Rob, this is making me hate video-games.
Rob: Hang on, we need a quick antidote.

---

LA Noire

Rob: There you go.
Brad: This looks more like it. I reckon this is about detectives and stuff. What do you think?
Rob: I hope so, otherwise I bought it for nothing.
Brad: So, here's what I think this is about.
Rob: Okay.
Brad: There's this Dick Tracy type follow, who's looking to solve two crimes at once. The murder of a mysterious, drowned girl, and the arson of a large patch of forest just outside the town. He's got to do it by punching as many old ladies in the face as he can, until one of them confesses.
Rob: Right.
Brad: With terrifying motion controls. Am I close?
Rob: Nope, but please continue. These are always dynamite.
Brad: So, as the case progresses, he gets slapped with an assault charge, after he inadvertently punches his boss in the face, mistaking her for an old biddy. There's then an exhilirating chase from hospital scene, at which point Giant Ants start turning up everywhere.
From that point in, it's pretty much a Time Crisis clone.
Am I getting closer?
Rob: Closer than you were, but that's not difficult. Carry on.
Brad: *Contains Spoilers*
After that, there's a few snowboarding competitions, and then you have to have a big showdown with the main gangster who's running the whole show. He's Man Mountain Beef Jerky McQuim, and there's a mass gun battle around the grounds of his alpine lodge. Finally, he frames his grandmother, so you punch her in the face. Credits roll.
Right or wrong, you'd play the shit out of my one.
Rob: "Jerky McQuim"?
Brad: Yes.
Rob: Ok, I'd at least download the demo, I'll give you that.
Brad: 7/10.
Rob: 8/10.

---

Demolition Company Gold

Brad: Fuck!
Rob: "Gold Edition"? What's extra?
Brad: More buildings, I imagine. Maybe some...I don't know...Gold.
Rob: Maybe you start the game with more capital.
Brad: I can understand the appeal of this more than I can the street cleaning one.
Rob: Only because you like destruction.
Brad: Games are more geared towards explosions than they are towards...you know...picking up empty crisp packets.
Rob: This is true.
Brad: The guy on the cover appears to have a Phalanx Cannon, too. That's pretty cool.
Rob: There is that. I suppose it's pretty good for destruction.
Brad: I wouldn't buy this, though. Out of all these games, which do you like the look of most?
Rob: LA Noire.
Brad: Same here. Giant Ants FTW.

Words: Brad Harmer & Rob Wade

---

---

THE END WAS NEAR. THEY KICKED ITS ARSE.

When beautiful, young women start disappearing from the streets of LA, it's time for good-guy Callan (a.k.a. Cross) and his crew of weapons experts to kick into high gear and uncover the mystery. Granted incredible power by his ancient Celtic cross, Callan must fight to stop an immortal Viking from destroying mankind. Also Starring: Vinnie Jones,Tom Sizemore, Jake Busey and Lori Heuring.

Thanks to our friends at Sony Pictures Home Entertainment UK, we've got two copies of Cross on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Friday 10th June, making sure to put "Cross" as the subject. The first two entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a free copy!

Don't forget to put "Cross" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Cross is available from Monday 6th June.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Gaming Reviews

Brink
Bethesda
Available Now - £34.99 (PC) & £49.99 (PS3 & Xbox 360)
Review by Blake Harmer

First things first, Brink is all about the multiplayer experience, and not only that, this is also about perseverance. There is good chance that most gamers won’t be too blown away by Brink on their first play, but persevere with the game and start to level up and the game really does open out.

For those of you who are unaware of what Brink is, Brink is a team based objective based multiplayer FPS that pits two factions (Security or The Resistance) against each other. Your character has a wide range of weapons and abilities to choose from as you begin to level up and objectives are completed using different classes (Think Team Fortress 2 or, to a lesser extent, Fat Princess). For example, the operative (spy) is needed for hacking mainframes, whilst the soldier is needed for demolition-based objectives.

The game works well doing this. The game’s main selling point which is the free running ability is very handy when it comes from getting out of fire or when making your best route to an objective by sliding under half open bulkheads or leaping over railings. The slide ability is also great when you want to make yourself harder to hit whilst putting yourself in a good position to return fire. The levels are well designed with plenty of choke points to make each objective a challenge for both the defending and attacking teams.

However, Brink is far from perfect. The free running, whilst handy, is far from completely innovative in terms of redefining the FPS, and most battles still degenerate into firefights whilst ducking in and out of cover. Also, the bots don’t offer the best AI in the world so this is definitely not for someone who is looking for a decent single player experience. Chuck in the odd graphical glitches, the fact that quite a few of the weapons are just very similar feeling machine guns, and that the soldier class is underpowered when compared to the other classes, and you have problems that stop Brink from a being a fantastic and perfectly formed multiplayer experience.

The Emotionally Fourteen Games Rating
Graphics: Nothing truly special and does suffer the occasional glitches, but overall functional for the endless blasting.
Sound/Music: Some good gunfire and explosion sounds but the voice acting, whilst competent, will begin to grate due to it becoming very repetitive after awhile.
Gameplay: Highly enjoyable objective based team gunplay with some well designed maps and with the free running style adding a little bit of extra strategy to your gunplay.
Lasting Appeal: A fair amount of objective based maps to keep you and your friends entertained and plenty of different guns and customisation to be had. Whether you will want to keep playing once you’ve maxed out your character remains to be seen though.
Summary: A fun online shooter with some nice touches even though a little rough around the edges. Not one for gamers looking for a single player experience or for those who were expecting a radical evolution of the FPS though. 7/10

---

Magic: The Gathering - Knights vs. Dragons: Duel Decks
Magic the Gathering CCG Ready to Play Duel Deck
Wizards of the Coast
Available Now - £16.99
Review by Christopher Redman-Holland

Duel Decks are mainly themed decks; containing reprints of cards which may not have been seen for years. They are designed to be picked up and played in such a way that it gives each player an even strength. But is this the case? When I heard that the theme was “Knights and Dragons", I was ecstatic and could not wait to get my hands on them. In my very first pack of M:TG cards I found a dragon, and from that point I wanted to make a dragon deck. Six years on, and I’m still in need of more. This makes the want for this particular deck greater.

However, from playing with the decks I must admit I got bored. Not because the decks are badly constructed, but because the thought put into the advantages the cards have over each other results in the games playing out the same way almost every time.

The knights take an early lead, having more “low-power” creatures, with added abilities that are quick to cast; whereas dragons sit and do nothing until you get at least five lands into play. Once the dragons are out and you still have enough life, you attack with full force in order to do a greater amount of damage. Of course there have been games where this hasn’t been as obvious, but if you analyse carefully structures this way.

With this White/Knights deck, there isn’t anything big enough to take on a dragon, but there are the “level-up” creatures with which you can build on as the game progresses, as well as plenty of spells to see that you’re not just trampled on by the dragons.

I liked playing with the Dragon deck a lot, but I think it was just due to my love of dragons. I say this because, if I’m honest with this deck, you have to play the waiting game. There are spells to keep you doing something while the waiting to get the big boys out, but there are not enough small creatures to enhance your defence and that is where you will fall. Once you have the Mana needed, you will find that getting the dragons out is the easy part, and thus so is the winning.

It was fun the first few times, but the game play you get out of these decks gets old, and fast. This is a real shame as they are well crafted decks. If you’re into playing themed decks, then you may find them fun as stand-alone decks. 6/10

---

Fallout: New Vegas - Honest Hearts
Obsidian/Bethesda
Available Now - 800 MS Points (Xbox 360 - Version Tested), £7.49 (PC, PS3)
Review by Rob Wade

An expedition into the unspoiled wilderness of Utah's Zion National Park goes horribly wrong when your caravan is ambushed by a tribal raiding band. As you try to find a way back to the Mojave you become embroiled in a war between tribes and a conflict between a New Canaanite missionary and the mysterious Burned Man. The decisions you make will determine the fate of Zion.

Fallout: New Vegas is a weird game for me. As much as I've been enjoying playing through it (including coming across a vocal cameo by Matthew Perry of Friends fame), and I have, I can't help but be annoyed by how buggy it is. Nevertheless, my friends' warnings of "It's more of the same" were taken more as positives in my case. One of the strongest things about Fallout 3 was the sheer volume and variety of DLC.

Honest Hearts centres around a character mentioned in the main game, though not many people are keen to talk about him in any great depth. The Burned Man is a really good character, with a decent amount of depth, probably in some part down to the reluctance of certain characters to talk about him, creating a certain mystique. From there, however, most of the characters are pretty throwaway, and I found myself at one point basing a massive decision on the fact that I liked The Burned Man better than some other wet ponce who wanted my help.

The DLC also adds a further five levels to your maximum level cap, which will be welcome news for any enthusiasts looking to push that little bit further. The DLC also encloses itself really well like a short story, giving you a prologue as well as a wrap-up of the choices you made and how they affect the world of Zion as a whole. I was surprised at just how many choices you make over the course of the game, as the presentation makes a lot of them pretty subtle.

The other reason that it's so easy to miss how many choices are made is the fact that the DLC is pretty short by the standard set by Fallout 3. I was able to breeze through the storyline while exploring a good three quarters of the locations available in the space of one evening's gameplay, and went back the next morning to do the alternate ending, which was only about forty-five minutes. It is worth noting, however, that both available endings are really enjoyable, so it's definitely worth playing through both (plus there are achievements/trophies available for both endings, so there's an additional incentive).

The other thing, which I suppose is more of a pipe-dream as the DLC mounts up, is that there seems to be no effort made to patch the game's numerous issues. Over the course of the DLC alone, I came across the following:

- Gun battles that healed the enemies.
- Dropping off a cliff got me killed because my leg would get caught inside the cliff.
- AI that said "let's exercise caution" only to go tearing down the hill when we were in stealth mode.
- One of the perks associated with your companion was null and void because you would be spotted from a long distance by enemies who were supposed to be experience Perception reductions.

On the plus side, you do get some good guns and armour for completing the DLC, as well as the aforementioned level cap increase for the main game.

The Emotionally Fourteen Games Rating
An enjoyable piece of DLC, but at the price asked it's a little on the steep side. Though the gameplay is more of the same Fallout quality we've come to expect, there's just not enough there to make it worth the spend. The Burned Man is awesome though. 7/10

---

Plants Vs Zombies
Mastertronic
Available Now - £29.99 (DS)
Review by Brad Harmer

Get ready to soil your plants - the most complete version of Plants Vs Zombies yet! The smash-hit iPhone, XBLA & PC title finally comes to DS. Zombies are invading your home and the only defence is your arsenal of plants to stem the attack.

I swear that when I was a kid zombies were monsters. You know, back when the commonly held belief was that when there was no more room in hell, then the dead would rise to feed on the flesh of the living? Now, they’re shambling, brain lusting, cartoon parodies of themselves. As if that isn’t bad enough, they can now be outwitted by plants...

I can’t stay mad at what a stupid concept Plants Vs Zombies is, though, because it does it all so cutely. It’s a Tower Defence game, basically, and it’s the game that everyone in the world seems to have played before I did. You have to stop the waves of zombies from reaching your house by planting different defensive plants. Some shoot, some explode, some slow them down, some freeze them, you get the picture.

It’s an enjoyable enough game, for a quick pick and play every now and again, but playing it extensively will reveal one major flaw. The DS version is really, really easy. Game breakingly easy. It’s a massive game (after over six hours of play I don’t think I got anywhere near the end), but it is a mind-bogglingly easy one (after over six hours of play there wasn’t a single level that I hadn’t cakewalked on the first attempt).

The multiplayer modes add some life, but the single player mode really suffers when you realise that each level is merely an exercise in patience. Stick barriers down, stick shooters down, leave the game to run while you go and get a coffee. It’s that easy.

And this is me we’re talking about. I suck balls at video games.

The Emotionally Fourteen Games Rating
Graphics: Sprites are pretty small, but clear enough. The animation is very good, both for the main game and the cutscenes.
Sound/Music: Basic sound effects. The music is pretty unmemorable. Not so bad it bugs you, not so good that you really notice it.
Gameplay: Very easy to get to grip with, but the abject lack of challenge is very unsatisfying.
Lasting Appeal: It’s pretty lengthy, but even so, you could piss all over this inside of a week. The multiplayer modes extend this a little, but no-one really plays multiplayer on a hand-held, do they? Really? I mean, they SAY people do, but I’ve never met anyone who does.
Summary: It’s cute, it’s cuddly, it’s sould-burningly endearing, but there’s just not enough challenge here to make it worth the greenbacks. If you can get it on another format, get that. The DS version is really only for people who only have DSs. DS’. DSs’. DSi. DSesses. Gameboys. 6/10

---

Mount & Blade: With Fire & Sword
Taleworlds Entertainment/Paradox Interactive
Available Now - £24.99 (PC only)
Review by Rob Wade

Mount & Blade: With Fire & Sword is the thrilling sequel to the action role-playing hit Mount & Blade: Warband. Be a mercenary or join one of the five battling factions to conquer, destroy or create empires. In an open sand box world you choose your allies, your enemies, what provinces to conquer, what castles to siege and what quests to embark on.

Mount & Blade: With Fire & Sword is the sequel to a game that was well known for its accessibility and depth of world. Loading up the game for the first time, I was presented with a world map which suggested just that: the game would offer a massive expansive world to explore, with plenty of missions and things to do. True, the game is not as attractive as some of its more famous contemporaries, but I can name a number of occasions where less attractive games have turned out to be fun. This massive world is certainly indicative of the game as a whole. However, there are some differences to the series this time around which have made a big difference to the game.

Understandably, a historically accurate game would be pointless without the appropriate technical advancements being in place. Guns are one of those additions, which have been placed into the game for the sake of historical accuracy. After playing with them, you may find yourself wishing that they had abandoned historical accuracy for a world that was easier to navigate. Guns are painfully inaccurate and agonisingly slow to reload (much like they would have been at the time), and I was rarely able to engage in any sort of combat for fear of finding myself cut down while packing my powder into my gun.

There is an absolute wealth of content in this game. The problem is that the guns are pushed as your main weapon in the game, and these guns are adapted so faithfully that it makes the general game quite hard to play and get immersed in. New players, I would wager, will find the controls and the gameplay in general frustrating. However, if you enjoyed the first one, this is most definitely worth checking out, as the elements that fans enjoyed from the previous game are still here. Just don't expect to have as easy a time of it.

The Emotionally Fourteen Games Rating
Graphics: Make no mistake, this is not a pretty game. The worlds are pretty detailed though.
Sound/Music: Authentic sounds, and the kind of music you would expect.
Gameplay: Fiddly action-RPG. Deep, but really fiddly.
Lasting Appeal: There's plenty here, no doubt, but how much of it you'll experience depends very heavily on how well the game gels with you.
Summary: As a value proposition, this game provides great value for money in the sheer volume of options available for gameplay. It's just going to prove cumbersome and annoying for some. 7/10

Jedi Business

Your one stop for forthcoming Star Wars releases.

Starting off the list of big name returns, July sees the one and only Timothy Zahn revisit The Galaxy Far, Far Away with Choices of One, which promises young Mara Jade...and young Thrawn.

Fate of the Jedi: Ascension by Christie Golden is due for release on 9th August. The penultimate book in the long-running Fate of the Jedi series will doubtless set things up for the galaxy-shattering conclusion.

24th August is the release date for the next in the Omnibus reprint line from Dark Horse Comics. Omnibus - A Long Time Ago...: Volume 4 will collect issues #68-85 of the Marvel Return of the Jedi comic, as well as Annual #3 of the Star Wars Comic series.

In September, Michael Reeves and Maya Kaathryn Bohnhoff’s Shadow Games will hit shelves. Set around the time of The Force Unleashed, this will see Dash Rendar take on a contract to act as a bodyguard for a famous musician...a musician who has caught the attention of Black Sun.

Also coming in September, Paul S. Kemp’s Riptide, a sequel to his 2010 novel Crosscurrent.

12th October is the release date for the next Omnibus, The Complete Saga, which will collect the comic books adaptations of all six movies. As well as the Blu-rays, of course...but you knew that already.

Starting 25th October is the six-part comic series Crimson Empire III. Having been locked in Development Hell for almost a decade now, fans of the previous Crimson Empire stories will doubtless want to get their hands on this.

The Old Republic series of novels continues in November, and it looks to be a belter! Drew "Darth Bane Trilogy” Karpyshyn offers up The Old Republic: Revan. Set in between the two Knights of the Old Republic video games, it will feature Revan, Bastila Shan, the Jedi Exile and others.

After two and half years, December will bring us the final book in the Fate of the Jedi series. Currently titled Apocalypse, this is said to the be the last of the “long series” of the books, as the EU will consist of one-shots and trilogies for the foreseeable future.

Furthermore, after bouncing around development hell for three years, it looks as though December will finally see the arrival of James Luceno’s Darth Plagueis. All we know about this is that if Luceno’s behind it, then it will be dark and violent...but I think we could have guessed that from the subject matter.

As if December wasn’t packed enough, it will also see the start of John Ostrander’s new comic Agent of the Empire.

Jeff Grubb is to release a novel revolving around the Hutts in May 2012. No further details are available at this time.

Of course, what has me really excited if the prospect of the return of Wraith Squadron, written by none other than Aaron Allston! The untitled Wraith Squadron novel is due for release in July 2012.

September 2012 will see the arrival of Alex Irvine’s Nomi and Vima Sunrider novel, currently entitled Mandorla, and will feature resurgent Sith and Mandalorian forces.

August 2013 is the tentative release date for the Michael Reeves The Last Jedi, the final instalment in the Coruscant Nights series.

Words: Brad Harmer
You can become Brad's "friend" on Facebook, or you can "follow" him on Twitter. Depends how creepy you want to sound really.