Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Book Reviews

Embedded
Dan Abnett
Angry Robot
Available Now - £4.48 (Digital Download) & £10.99 (Trade Paperback)
Review by Brad Harmer

Lex Falk, a journalist, gets himself to the front line by being chipped into the brain of a combat soldier. However, when that soldier is seriously injured in an ambush, he has to take over the body and get himself back home again, broadcasting live on an open feed...

Dan Abnett does damn good military sci-fi – that much we know already, right? This is the guy who almost single-handedly forged the Warhammer 40,000 fiction line as it stands today; in fact he’s probably the best military sci-fi writer since David Drake. And Embedded is another success.

Falk is an excellent protagonist, starting out as something of a ‘grizzled reporter’ cliché, it soon becomes apparent that there’s more of a good guy there than the reader – or even Falk himself – realises. The supporting cast, also, start out as rather cookie-cutter clichés, before their real personalities (for both good and bad) are revealed.

The pacing is excellent, with plenty of action scenes and scary moments along the way. The tension during the night fighting and house-clearing sequences is so tight you could throttle a badger with it. The combat scenes (of which there are more than a few) are terrifyingly realistic; intentionally jumbled and confusing as though you are a war journalist, or watching it through a hand-held camera. The ending is highly satisfying, and all in all...yeah, this is definitely a good read.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: Dan Abnett writing a novel set in a warzone? Yeah, there’s a fair bit. Explosions, gunfire, bullet wounds, stab wounds, gore, blood – the lot.
Sex/Nudity: Full nudity, one “curtains blowing in the wind” sex scene.
Swearing: Frequent and strong – censorship of swearing satirised.
Summary: A highly enjoyable sci-fi action-fest. Makes some nice points about war journalism without cramming them down your throat. 8/10


The Demon Collector
Jon Mayhew
Bloomsbury Publishing UK
Available Now - RRP £8.99 (Hardback)
Review by Rob Wade

In the time before time, Satan ruled the molten Earth, worshipped by his demons. One demon turned against him and imprisoned Satan deep in the bowels of the earth. When Satan escaped, as punishment, the demon's heart was torn from his chest and his body hidden deep in the polar ice. Only Satan knows where he lies. The heart is hidden elsewhere. If the two are brought together, the demon will be reborn and darkness will reign. Edgy Taylor sees demons when nobody else can. He is a prime collector, wandering the streets of London collecting dog muck for the tannery. The only thing Edgy is good at is setting and solving riddles, and evading his brutal and abusive master. One night, when his master seems genuinely intent on killing Edgy, Professor Janus intervenes, and takes him to the Royal Society of Daemonology where Edgy will now live. It is here, though, that Edgy discovers chance had nothing to do with their meeting, and that he holds the key to a deadly demon prophecy…

The Demon Collector is a book that reads slightly like Harry Potter in the sense that it deals with the story of a boy from a lowly lifestyle who finds out that he has a cooler and more noble calling in life. It’s also similar to Harry Potter in the sense that it’s made of win. This book blends elements of Van Helsing, Harry Potter and the like in order to bring forward a really strong book with a strong openness for future instalments should Mr Mayhew wish to do so.

As a personal rule, I generally find that the best books to read (or at least the easiest and most accessible) read so well that you can see a film of it playing out in your head. This is one of the many things that The Demon Collector does well. Reading through it, I found myself very easily able to picture characters and set pieces, through the good use of descriptive language and effective characterisation. The book reads effortlessly, to the point that I could pick it up and read it all in the same evening. The story itself, in terms of plot and exposition, is done pretty well. However, at times there were elements that turned out slightly predictable in that I was piecing it together ahead of the reveal. However, the story more than makes up for that by throwing a number of intriguing sub-plots, false hooks and tricks your way as you read. It’s not just riddles in this story which make up the brain-hurting elements (though the riddles themselves are awesome).

Having said all these positive things, Edgy Taylor is possibly one of the worst names I have come across in literature. I realise that it’s got storyline reasons for why the first name is the way it is, but come on! That said, the book itself is excellent, and well worth picking up if demons are your bag.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence : Demon fights, but no gore or anything like that.
Sex/Nudity : None.
Swearing : None.
Summary: An enjoyable read for fans of Mayhew’s work as well as those interested in these sorts of stories. 8/10


YOUNG BRUCE LEE GIVEAWAY

Known as 'The Little Dragon' to legions of adoring fans, Bruce Lee is regarded by many as the greatest martial arts legend who ever lived. Now, discover his amazing untold story in this stunning biopic from the studio that brought you Jet Li's Warlords and the acclaimed Infernal Affairs Trilogy.


From his birth on November 27th 1940 to his departure for San Francisco in 1959, discover how Bruce Lee lived through war and persecution and survived the brutal street-gangs of 1950's Hong Kong before going on to live his dreams.

Produced by Robert Lee, Bruce Lee's younger brother, and based on his own first-hand experience, Young Bruce Lee is a breathtaking and evocative homage to the man who, uniquely, brought the power and majesty of Chinese Kung Fu to millions around the world.

Showcasing an incredible hi-impact tribute to the celebrated Coliseum fight from Way of the Dragon, Young Bruce Lee is an inspirational motion picture event that is not to be missed!

Thanks to our friends at Cine Asia, we've got two copies of Young Bruce Leeto give away! For your chance of winning, send your name to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Tuesday 31st May, making sure to put "Young Bruce Lee" as the subject. The first two entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a free copy!

Don't forget to put "Young Bruce Lee" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Young Bruce Lee is available from Monday 30th May.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.
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Monday, 23 May 2011

Top 5 Survival Horror Games


Scary games. They have the power to terrify in a completely different way to movies and books. With an interactivity that's unrivalled by any other media, you *are* the person experiencing the horror. When a game is particularly well done, it creates a whole new level of scare. Here, then, are five of my personal favourites (though, to be fair, there are a number that could find their way onto that list without too much trouble, so much so that I may have to do another 5 later in the year.

Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem

Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem is a third-person action game released for Nintendo GameCube. Developed by Silicon Knights, it was first released and published by Nintendo in 2002, it was the first video game published directly by Nintendo, rather than a third-party developer, to be rated M by the ESRB. The game's setting is centered around a mansion in Rhode Island, the home of the protagonist Alexandra Roivas' grandfather and the mysterious book known as 'The Tome of Eternal Darkness' that Alexandra finds there.

With elements of Cthulhu mythos, as well as nods to horror masters like Poe just from the introductory blurbs, it was clear from where Eternal Darkness drew its influences. Coming into it, I was nonplussed initially. Here was a girl who vaguely resembled Sarah Michelle Gellar running around an abandoned mansion looking for clues to take her into chapters where the player would then experience things from the point of view of other characters throughout history. It wasn't, in my eyes, doing anything particularly ground-breaking.

Then something out of the ordinary happened. The character I was playing as went insane. This, I thought, was more interesting, but the game wasn't finished. The screen went completely black and the little standby icon appeared in the corner of my TV. Swearing (probably), I searched for the remote, before realising it was across the room. How could I have touched any buttons from where I was? Then the screen re-lit, and I understood.

Eternal Darkness earns its place on this list because it was the first (and to this date only) game that I had played which played tricks on the player in such a way. Sure, I've had things happen in games which have turned out to be ruses and so on, but not once had I played a game where I had actually been under the impression that something had gone wrong with my TV, memory card etc. It was something new, and something fresh. Sure, the game played scare tricks on you in the usual ways, having stuff jump out at you and such, but the game's draw was the external stuff it did. Add to that the game playing well, and you had a classic that gets overlooked a fair bit in the annals of history.

Silent Hill

This one occupies a special place in my heart, as it is the first game that I played in the survival horror genre, and what a way to start! Silent Hill was another third-person game, this time released for the Playstation in 1999 (That's right, Silent Hill is coming up on 12 years old - terrifying eh?). The game placed you in the shoes of Harry Mason, who travels to the town with his daughter for holidays only for shit to go sideways within a very short space of time.

You guide Harry through the town, all the while meeting a colourful cast of characters (most of whom got brought back in for the movie). In fact, for the most part, the movie follows the game pretty reasonably. Sure, they brought in Pyramid Head, who wasn't in the games until the second of the series, and they brought the cult to the forefront and made them just bible-bashers, but the ultimate spirit of the game didn't change. Plus they added Sean Bean, which is awesome, because in my head he's Harry Mason anyway!

One incident stands out for me as the reason that this game makes its way into the list. I was exploring the town's school, and the iconic siren sounds turning the area into the 'Otherworld' responsible for most of the game's scares. I explore the 'other' school, and come across the locker room. In the normal world, the locker was banging and banging away, and when you open it a cat jumps out and escapes the room, only to get eaten outside the door. This is marked as the point in the game where you first meet monsters inside the school. In the 'Otherworld', the locker is banging and banging, and I went to open it. The sequence of events, which I will not spoil, made me pause the game for ten full minutes in order to get my heart rate down sufficiently that I felt I could carry on. That, E14ies, is why it's on this list.

What the game also did really well was dread, and this is in no small part down to the quality of the soundtrack, exhibited by the fact that Akira Yamaoka was brought in to do a large number of soundtracks after that by the studio. Also, the game came with multiple endings depending on how you played through the game, something that hadn't really been done so much at the time, also including a UFO ending which was pretty funny, if abrupt.

Sony, I've been very patient with you, but I really can't keep it in anymore. Make Silent Hill downloadable as a PS1 classic on the UK Playstation Network store, or I will flip my shit.

Resident Evil

One of the video game plots which has undergone the most additions and re-jiggings, the original Resident Evil saw a team of special law enforcement agents, including Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine, investigating the disappearance of a team of operatives sent to Raccoon City to look into some bizarre murders. Along the way, you find yourself ambushed by craaaaaaazy zombie dogs, and are forced into a spooky old mansion. Exploring the mansion, you find yourself learning that all is by no means as it seems...

No Top 5 of this kind would be complete without the addition of Capcom's magnum opus, a stunning game for its time both visually and in terms of gameplay. The story, as well, was amazing for its time, even if the voice acting for the original version sucked balls. With characters appearing throughout suffering at the hands of beasties that you would go on to meet later on, all the way to betrayal and super-secret corporate experimentation, the game was chock full of storyline and intrigue, which gave the game a great sense of pace. This was a great thing, especially as the game's controls were pretty sluggish, although excellent for the time.

Players looking for a great version of this game would do well to check out the Nintendo Gamecube remake, which not only remade the visuals completely (making Jill Valentine an animated hottie as they did), but they also tweaked the gameplay without detracting from it. From defensive weapons like knives which allowed you a one-hit kill for emergencies to altering the appearance times of the iconic zombie dogs during the game, it was clear that they were fans of the original first and game developers second.

Condemned: Criminal Origins

Originally released as a Microsoft exclusive on Xbox 360 and PC, the Condemned series sees the player in the role of FBI agent Ethan Thomas, who becomes framed for a double murder while chasing a serial killer, named Serial Killer X in the 'Most Underwhelming Nickname' annals of history. Serial Killer X, however, is a really strong character, killing serials in Thomas' database by their own methods. However, as well as the serial killer plot, there is absolutely fucktons of supernatural stuff going on.

There are many things that rock the boobies about Condemned. The game's first-person, which immerses you right away. The character you play as is established early on as an FBI investigator of particularly high ability, and this is reflected in the investigation elements of the game. Most frustrating of all in games is when you hear all these things about characters, only to see none of it reflected in what you play, and so it's nice to see them say "He's a shit-hot CSI" and then find yourself being a shit-hot CSI. The game did tension really well as well, while at the same time not making the elements of supernatural stuff over the top and unbelievable.

Probably the best thing about this game is that the game is primarily a melee combat game, with guns in short supply. Now, this would be a complete failure if the melee combat sucked, or the guns were too freely available, but the game does a great job of balancing the gun availability as well as making the melee combat work effectively, and when you find yourself in a department store with crazies hidden amongst the mannequins, you'll be grateful for every weapon you've got.

Dead Space

No Top 5 would be complete without Dead Space. Playing as Isaac Clarke, the game sees you exploring the derelict wreckage of the Ishimura, a mining ship which has sent out a distress signal during an operation on planet Aegis VII. The atmosphere when you arrive is already tense, and you find yourself seeing a lot of quick flashes of movement while exploring the initial parts of the ship. All the while, you're having to re-establish power systems and so on, as the ship is in a decaying orbit around the planet.

What this game does really, really well is the atmosphere of dread. Much like the movie Event Horizon, which sets up a tremendous atmosphere through a plot which I like to refer to as "Alien without the Alien", the game does a great job of making the player go "fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck" as they're walking through simply through the effective tactics of making the enemies reasonably unpredictable as well as making weapons scarce enough that you find yourself having to conserve your ammo. As with Condemned, the weapon and ammo balancing is excellent in the game.

The use of "Strategic Dismemberment" in the game adds an element of strategy as well. Players have to make sure that they remove all the limbs from the monsters that they face (which draw heavy influences from movies such as The Thing) for fear that those monsters will later get back up after you've walked away and go back into the vents. Don't think, either, that you have that entirely figured out, as after a while this becomes only part of the method that you need to employ.

Also of note in this game is the effective use of audio and video notes, with just the right amount of information being given to get you through the game while at the same time giving you only just enough to get the info you need rather than knowing what's going on ultimately. And to round off, here's a picture of Isaac Clarke facing off against yours truly. Enjoy.




CORSETS AND CLOCKWORK GIVEAWAY


Bestselling romance editor Trisha Telep brings an exciting new element to the fast-growing sub-genre of steampunk, which bends and blends the old and the new in increasingly popular dark urban fantasies. Young heroes and heroines battle evil, in various forms with the help of super-technological or supernatural powers, while falling in and out of love.

The contributors include: Ann Aguirre a bestselling author who writes urban fantasy (the Corine Solomon series from Roc), romantic science fiction (the Jax series from Ace), apocalyptic paranormal romance (as Ellen Connor, writing with Carrie Lofty, from Penguin), paranormal romantic suspense (as Ava Gray from Berkley), and post-apocalyptic dystopian young adult fiction (Razorland and Wireville coming in 2011 from Feiwel & Friends). Tessa Gratton, her debut novel Blood Magic arrives in 2011 from Random House Children's Books, followed by the companion Crow Magic in 2012.

Jaclyn Dolamore is the debut author of Magic Under Glass from Bloomsbury USA. Lesley Livingston is the award-winning author of Wondrous Strange and Darklight, the first two books in the bestselling trilogy from HarperCollins. Frewin Jones is the bestselling author of the Faerie Path series and the Warrior Princess books, among many others.

Caitlin Kittredge is the author of the Iron Codex trilogy, a Lovecraftian steampunk adventure. Dru Pagliassotti's first novel Clockwork Heart was one of the first in the rising new genre of steampunk romance and was named by Library Journal as one of the five steampunk novels to read in 2009. Dia Reeves is the debut author of the critically acclaimed YA Bleeding Violet. Michael Scott is the Irish-born, New York Times bestselling author of the six part epic fantasy series, The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel.

Maria V. Snyder is the New York Times bestselling author of the Study series (Poison Study, Magic Study, and Fire Study) about a young woman forced to become a poison taster. Tiffany Trent the author of the acclaimed dark fantasy series Hallowmere, which was an IndieBound Children's Pick and a New York Public Library Book of the Teen Age 2008. Kiersten White is the debut author of Paranormalacy, the first book in a new trilogy, which was published by HarperTeen in August of 2010.

Adrienne Kress, is the author of Alex and the Ironic Gentleman and Timothy and the Dragon's Gate.

Thanks to our friends at Constable and Robinson, we've got five copies of Corsets & Clockwork to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Monday 30th May, making sure to put "Corsets & Clockwork" as the subject. The first five entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a free copy!

Don't forget to put "Corsets & Clockwork" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Corsets & Clockwork is available from Thursday 26th May, priced £6.99.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.
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Sunday, 22 May 2011

Dickass DM

Remember good, old-fashioned gamebooks? They promised all the fun of a role-playing game, with none of the social interaction - what more could a teenage boy desire? The thing is, that while the gamebook became a great gaming experience in its own right, the only RPG it could possibly have simulated was one being GM'd by Satan himself. 90% of decisions led to certain death, and combat was often fatal.

Satan wasn't available, so Brad will be GMing Rob through an RPG based on the classic Tom Sheldon gamebook Big Match Manager. Brad is the DM, and Rob plays his character, Terry Braggables.

Catch up with previous Dickass DM installments here!
===Saturday 5th===
Brad: It's the day of your away match against Gonalston City, and you spend the early morning selecting your team.
As the players climb aboard the team bus, you notice that Will Frost and Ian Leslie are deeply engaged in a discussion.
Terry Braggables: What's up boys, thinking of becoming a double act?
Brad: They are last to board, and their whispering continues as the bus moves away.
Terry Braggables: Something you want to share with the rest of the class?
Will Frost: [quickly] Nothing, chief.
Brad: The players look at each other.
Ian Leslie: [hissing, to Will Frost] You've got to...
Wil Frost: [nervoustly] It's just - I've been getting these phone calls at home, about four of them now, in the night mostly. This muffled voice, telling me to play badly.
Terry Braggables: Do they ask you what you're wearing? If so, I'll have a word with the chairman.
Will Frost: Last time he said Danny was first, and I could be next.
Terry Braggables: I wouldn't worry about it..probably some dickass.
McSpindle: Should we inform the police, though? I think we should hire more security in any case.
Terry Braggables: They're probably busy asking people in the phonebook if they kidnapped Danny.
Ian Leslie: Any word on Danny?
Terry Braggables: Nope, though they've ruled out A and B.
McSpindle: [to you] I think the police are as fucked as we are.
Brad: On the way to the Gonalston City stadium you study the form of the opposition.
Rob: Human, I'd hope,.
Gonalston City FC
Gonalston have enjoyed a windfall of new talent this season, and with two big wins under their belts already they're looking to be a force to be reckoned with. Jules Torrence will be looking to crush Hardwick at home in this match, and you'll have to play at ful tilt if you're going to deny him.
Brad: Bostock, Parker and Leslie have all recovered and can play as normal. You have no injured players. Pick your starting team.
Rob:
Coates
Fitzgerald - Fry - Bobak - Carvalho - Neville
Frost - Wehnert - Bostock
Suda - Wood
First Half
0:00
Hardwick City Scores!
Rob: Wa-hey!
Gonalston City 0 - Hardwick City 1
Gonalston City Score!
Gonalston City 1 - Hardwick City 1
Hardwick City Score!
Gonalston City 1 - Hardwick City 2
Gonalston City Score!
Gonalston City 2 - Hardwick City 2
0:15
0:30
Hardwick City Score!
Gonalston City 2 - Hardwick City 3
0:45
Half time
Second Half
0:45
Gonalston City's #7 Shirt is given a yellow card.
Gonalston City are awarded a corner.
They fail to score.
1:00
1:15
McSpindle: They'll sleep tonight.
Gonalston City Score!
Gonalston City 3 - Hardwick City 3
Gonalston City Score!
Gonalston City 4 - Hardwick City 3
Full time!
Rob: What the hell?!
Brad: The atmosphere in the bus on the way back to Hardwick is rowdy as ever, but you're not in the mood this time. It's been weeks now since Danny's disappearance and neither the police nor you seem to be any closer to getting him back safely.
McSpindle: You may right. The police have officially listed him as "Missing - Presumed Raped".
Terry Braggables: Raped? I hope not for his anus.
Brad: You recline your seat, and stare out through rain-spattered windows as the featureless motorway races past. It's hypnotic, and you begin to doze off when you are woken by the sudden vibration...
McSpindle: Wa-hey!
Brad: ...of your mobile.
You look at the display:
Danny Knox
Answer it?
Rob: Of course!
Brad: Your hands are shaking as you press 'answer'.
Terry Braggables: Is this who I think it is?
Brad: An unfamiliar voice replies in a flat monotone, making the hair on the back of your neck stand up.
Voice: Don't get involved. You know we're watching you. Back off. Or you're next.
Terry Braggables: So...it's not who I think it is?
Brad: They hang up.
McSpindle: Try calling back!
Terry Braggables: How would I know what number to call?
McSpindle: It came up as Danny Knox? Surely it's in your phonebook? Ass.
Brad: You try calling back but a computerised voice tell you 'the mobile you are calling is switched off'. You resume your journey in uneasy silence.
The bus eventually pulls up in the club car park.
You sit and wait whilst your players file past you and down the steps.
McSpindle: What are we waiting for?
Terry Braggables: A sign...
Driver: We're back, guv. Long day, was it?
Terry Braggables: One of the longest.
Brad: He starts telling you about some useless mechanic not being able to fix the carburettor, but you're only half-listening as you've spotted club chairman Victor Sinkowski leaving the building and heading towards his car. He hasn't seen you.
Terry Braggables: Yeah, yeah, yeah...I'm not listening about your carbonator.
Rob: Follow him.
McSpindle: Breakin' the law, breakin the law! Woah-woah!
Terry Braggables: How are we breaking the law?
McSpindle: Sorry, I was miles away. What are we doing?
Brad: You dash to your car and jump inside, just as Victor's dark green Jaguar growls past the security gate and sweeps up the road to the left. You follow cautiously through the exit and onto the one-way system. You are queuing at lights...
McSpindle: So...this is what a high speed chase is like...
Terry Braggables: Yeah, in reality.
Brad: ... and you can just make out his sausage fingers drumming on the steering-wheel two cars ahead.
McSpindle: Wow. You have eyes of a hawk.
Terry Braggables: I know! It's incredible really.
McSpindle: One of those hawks that can see through solid objects. Or, at the very least, around corners.
Brad: Your heart is thumping in your chest as you pray your car can keep pace with the powerful engine under Sinkowski's bonnet.
McSpindle: This...this is a Fiat, isnt' it?
Terry Braggables: It came very high in reliability reviews online!
Brad: After an age, the lights turn to green.
Rob: I hang back to make sure he doesn't see.
Brad: As the traffic begins to creep forward, you try to maintain a safe distance.
You can still see Victor's car up ahead, and wherever he's going he doesn't seem to be in much of a hurry to get there. You pick up speed to match his, but just as you begin to feel you've got the hang of these covert operations you see another set of lights just ahead changing to amber. Sinkowski's Jaguar sails through them, and you will the cars between you to keep going. The tail lights of the car in front of you flare red as the driver slows to a stop, and you slam on the brakes.
Terry Braggables: I have a bad feeling about this.
Brad: A gaggle of school-children is crossing in front of you, and beyond them you see Victor disappearing into the distance. Sitting there tapping your foot won't help.
Rob: A group of school children is a gaggle?
Brad: I've always wanted the collective noun for websites to be "a google".
Rob: I stay in pursuit.
Brad: Eventually the amber light begins to flash and the car in front pulls away.
You floor the accelerator and overtake, wishing you'd had that eye test as you scan the distance for any sign of Victor Sinkowski.
McSpindle: I really think he's the bad guy, and I have proof.
Terry Braggables: ...Really?
McSpindle: Yup. His name's Victor. I can't think of any Victor who isn't a bad guy.
Terry Braggables: ...
McSpindle: You think we'll need more for a conviction?
Terry Braggables: Almost certainly.
Brad: There's a roundabout up ahead, but still no sign of him as you reach it.
Rob: He would be unlikely to be parked at a roundabout.
Brad: Take the exit on the left, take the exit straight ahead, or take the exit on the right?
McSpindle: Toss a three headed coin! They exist in this universe, right?
Terry Braggables: Why not?
Rob: Go straight ahead.
Brad: The car lurches as it speeds over the roundabout. After three or four miles of furious driving there's still no sign of him.
Rob: I went straight over it?
Brad: Either he's way ahead of you by now or you made a wrong turn. Best cut your losses and head back to the club.
You're back in your office after a tiring afternoon. Topflight Sportswear has turned out to be a very successful and popular brand, and this sponsorship deal has worked out even better for the team than the last one!
Rob: Hurrah!
Brad: Budget has increased to £5mill. Not bad for one phonecall!
Rob: Indeed.
Brad: You've got a game coming up against Bridgford City this Saturday. This could be a good time to work on some individual skills. Alternatively you may wish to concentrate on overall Morale and Fitness in the team.
Rob: Individual skills.
Brad: Think about where your weaknesses are: is the key to Hardwick's success getting more goals in or keeping more goals out?
McSpindle: Both!
Rob: Train on shot-stopping.
Brad: Choose one of your goalkeepers.
Rob: Rose.
Brad: Rose responds well in training.
Rob: Good lad.
Brad: What skill do you want to train next?
Rob: Free kicks.
Wehnert responds especially well in training. For the rest of the season, he receives a bonus when taking a free kick.
Rob: That's an incredibly effective training session!
===Saturday 12th===
Brad: You wake early on Saturday morning feeling confident in the ability of your team to go out in front of the home fans and get a result today.
Rob: I am as well! I will be interested to see if the chairman makes it.
Brad: Today's needle match is against your local rivals Bridgford City, and the visitors' stand is sure to be packed as this is always one of the more raucous games of the season.
McSpindle: "Needle match"?
Terry Braggables: I have no idea. Maybe it's a gimmick, like ladders.
Brad: For years the home team has always won this fixture. Will you manage to follow tradition?
Bridgford City FC
Dave Curtis is a no-nonsense type of manager, and Bridgford aren't a team for fancy tactics.But their showing so far has been average at best, and defensively they have appeared frail. An opposition with a strong attacking presence should be able to capitalise on this.
Brad: Pick your starting team.
Rob:
Rose
Carvalho - Bobak - Fitzgerald - Fry.
Wehnert - Bostock - Frost.
Parker - Wood - Suda

Brad: The whistle to signal start of play is accompanied by the usual rise in volume from the huge body of support that has turned up for this fixture. In the first five minutes it is clear that the Bridgford defence is particularly shaky, and the attacks are all coming from your side.
Your strength up front is leaving Bridgford's defenders in disarray. Your attackers are breaking forward at every opportunity and their goalie is having a nightmare as shots come in from all sides.
Rob: In the first five minutes?
First Half
00:05
Bridford City are awarded a free kick.
They fail to score.
00:15
00:30
Rob: ...My team must be fucking wasteful.
Hardwick City are awarded a free kick.
Rob: Oooooooh...
Wehnert scores!
Rob: Yay!
Hardwick City 1 - Brigdford City 0
Hardwick City score!
Hardwick City 2 - Bridgford City 0
Bridgford City score!
Rob: S.O.B's.
McSpindle: I was going to say "fuckbastards".
Terry Braggables: I like yours better.
Hardwick City 2 - Bridford City 1
Hardwick City score!
Hardwick City 3 - Bridgford City 1
McSpindle: It's like hockey! Awesome!
Bridgford City score!
Hardwick City 3 - Bridgford City 2
Hardwick City score!
Hardwick City 4 - Bridgford City 2
Rob: Kick ass!
Bridgford City score!
Hardwick City 4 - Bridgford City 3
The referee is showing Klaus Wehnert a card...
Rob: ...
It's red! Klaus Wehnert has been sent off!
Terry Braggables: That wouldn't even have injured my crippled grandmother!
00:45
Half time.
Brad: I'll tell you something...I've seen entire matches that weren't as interesting as the last fifteen minutes of that half.
Rob: That's most of them in fact.
Brad: Your players come off for half-time, and you walk with them up the tunnel to the dressing room. Half-time over and the fans are back at their seats with pies and cups of tea.
Rob: Only in football would that be a combination that people would enjoy.

TO BE CONTINUED...
WIN! STANLEY KUBRICK: LIMITED EDITION COLLECTION

To celebrate the 40th anniversary of Stanley Kubrick’s masterpiece, A Clockwork Orange, Warner Home Video will release the Stanley Kubrick: Limited Edition Collection on Blu-ray™ on 23rd May. Three lucky readers could be in with the chance of winning a copy of the Limited Edition Blu-ray collection by entering this competition!

The collection features the film and bonus content from A Clockwork Orange 40th Anniversary Edition, the Blu-ray debuts of Lolita and Barry Lyndon, as well as the feature films 2001: A Space Odyssey, The Shining, Full Metal Jacket, and Eyes Wide Shut. The Blu-ray collection will be boxed in new book-style premium packaging and will include a 40-page hard-cover book that explores the breadth of genres and themes in Kubrick’s work.

Stanley Kubrick: Limited Edition Collection on Blu-ray will be released on 23rd May 2011 and is available to pre-order online now.

To be in with the chance of winning a copy of this Limited Edition collection, please just answer the following question.

Who played the character Alex in A Clockwork Orange?
a. Malcolm McDowell
b. Stanley Kubrick
c. Barry Lyndon

For your chance of winning, send your answer, name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Sunday 29th May, making sure to put "Stanley Kubrick" as the subject. The first three entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a free copy!

Don't forget to put "Stanley Kubrick" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland. ©2011 Warner Bros. Entertainment. All Rights Reserved.
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