Shitty Video Round-Up

Jethro Tull - Ring Out The Solstice Bells



Brad: This looks like a scene from Watership Down: The Dark Times. What are they rocking here, about eight frames of animation per minute?
Rob: If you pause it at 0:06, it looks like he has scissors for hands. That makes me smile.
Brad: Everytime it shows the cathedral I think it's the Tower of Orthanc. You know what I think?
Rob: Go on.
Brad: I think more prog rock bands need videos. Most don't bother.
Rob: At 0:24 the man is exposed as having history's crappiest crossbow, combined with shooting the world's most overdramatic deer.
Brad: I have two major, major problems with this video.
Firstly, what's with the frequently depicted fat Orc waving his hands whilst sat on a throne? Secondly, there appears to be some indecisiveness as to the faith of this village. Why is there a druid ringing the church bells?
Rob: Sorry, hold on a fucking minute, is that Sherlock Holmes playing bagpipes at 0:36?
Brad: That totally is Sherlock Holmes, you know.
Rob: Are they spit-roasting a seal?!
Brad: You know who'd be really at home in that village?
Rob: Doctor Watson?
Brad: Omer.
Rob: Yes!
Brad: I reckon this is what Christmas looks like to him. Meat and archery. And arm waving Uruk-hai.
Rob: If you're reading this, Omer, and you engage in archery at christmas, you're my new favourite person.
Brad: Score for this one? Shall we mark it out five Christmas Turkeys? Just for a mix up?
Rob: All right, I'll go for Two Christmas Turkeys. It'd have been one, but for the inclusion of England's greatest fictional detective.
Brad: I'm gonna give it Two Christmas Turkeys, too. In the hope that this will encourage other prog rock bands to also write Christmas songs, with animated music videos. I eagerly await Dream Theater's In Dulce Jubileo. Ready for the next one, Santa-Sacks?
Rob: Bring it, Jolly-Balls.

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Tom Jones & Cerys Matthews - Baby, It's Cold Outside



Rob: I'd love to live on a chessboard.
Brad: This song is totally about date rape.
Rob: It's certainly about coercing a hot Welsh singer to shag you. I'll grant you that much.
Brad: This is exactly how I pictured Hell. Full of Welsh people.
Rob: Two is not "full".
Brad: Two too many. That table is shaped exactly like a Super Star Destroyer.
Rob: This video is a bit like this dream I had. Except that Tom Jones wasn't there.
Brad: You dreamt you were on an iron shaped chessboard with Cerys Matthews in a Vampirella costume?
Rob: Yeah, pretty much.
Brad: Hunh.
Rob: That was Cerys in the costume, not me.
Brad: I wasn't aware you had a thing for Cerys Matthews. Not that it's the sort of thing that comes up in conversation anyway.
Rob: I like her voice. From interviews and stuff she seems a bit weird, but she's got a lovely face.
Brad: She's quite pretty, but if you asked me to name women I think are hot, it'd be while before I got to her.
Rob: Yeah, I probably wouldn't think of her first, true enough.
Brad: We need a table shaped like the Executor.
Rob: I agree.
Brad: Maybe Tom Jones has one for sale.
Rob: Possibly. I imagine he wouldn't want much for it either.
Brad: Score for this one?
Rob: Four Christmas Turkeys.
Brad: Are we saying five turkeys is bad, or a good video?
Rob: Ahhh, wait, we never did set the scale.
Brad: With "turkeys" having a negative connotation as regards video/film...
Rob: Of course. Right, so five is bad.
Brad: Okay.
Rob: In which case, this gets Two Christmas Turkeys.
Brad: I'm giving this One Christmas Turkey. It's not as bad as I remember. And she is quite hot. Ish.
Rob: I prefer her in the white outfit.

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Shakin' Stevens - Merry Christmas Everyone



Brad: It starts with a nice winter wonderland. Guy in a scarf...Then he's in a sled with Victoria Wood.
Rob: The Victoria Wood impersonator can't even seem to move her face.
Brad: Santa looks like some sort of Hagrid/Honey Monster hybrid in this.
Rob: See, I'd watch that Christmas movie.
Brad: And why are children making the toys? Surely they should be the recipients? I mean...isn't that how the Santa thing works? This is badly thought out.
Rob: I like that the montage of children at 1:25-1:35 is just a series of thick children banging things with hammers.
"Piece not fit. Tharg make fit!"
Brad: Yeah, they totally just rounded them up at the special school.
Rob: I think that's unfair on special needs kids; these children are just thick. At least special needs kids have an excuse.
Brad: "Hey kids, you want to come and be in a Shaking Stevens vid...why would you be licking that?"
Rob: Thick kids should know better than to lick things.
Brad: I'd like to believe that "Thick kids should know better than to lick things." was the entirety of Gary Glitter's defence.
Rob: Well, they should. They could take an eye out.
Brad: The snowman starts terrifying at 1:50 and only gets more nightmarish from then on. I'm amazed it doesn't sprout tentacles from its face at the end.
Rob: Wait, so the end of the video is just Shakin' Stevens stealing a sled from Santa Claus? I also like that the most common occurrence of this video is one recorded from German TV at half past five in the morning.
Brad: Score?
Rob: Five Christmas Turkeys. Pure cheese, and not even redeeming by having one of the thick kids lose an eye.
Brad: I agree, this is Five Christmas Turkeys. The lack of Snowman Face Tendrils is depressing.
Rob: I sense a Christmas story entitled The Snowthulhu.

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East 17 - Stay



Brad: It upsets me that songs that have absolutely nothing to do with Christmas get labelled Christmas songs. Like this one. Just having snow in the video should not qualify it.
Rob: Yeah, I forgot this was a Christmas song. Same with Mad World by Gary Jules.
Brad: Ah, Brian Harvey. In a perfect world you'd just be banging things in Santa's workshop. There's a woman submerged in an over-sized tablecloth every now and again.
Rob: I thought that was Kate Bush in her Wuthering Heights get-up.
Brad: I like the bald one. He looks so out of place.
Rob: He would look out of place anywhere except a police line-up, to be fair.
Brad: With a look like that, he should be balanced on the back of pick-up truck, pointing a shotgun at Rutger Hauer.
Rob: They look bored. How did they get to Number One with this?
Brad: I want it to go on record here that there is no creepier Christmas song lyric than "I touch your face while you are sleeping"
Rob: I can think of one.
Brad: Go on.
Rob: Well, replace "Touch" with "jizz on" and "face"....well, you can leave that I suppose. Five Christmas Turkeys.
Brad: I'm going Three Christmas Turkeys. It's not good, but it plays it safe by not doing much.
This next one has depressed me for a single reason in the past. I appear to be the only person who has ever heard it.
Rob: All right..Sounds ominous.
Brad: Every person I play it to has no recollection of it. But, it contains so many awesome people in it, it should give you a lob on.

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Fat Les - Naughty Christmas



Rob: Well, I've already got a semi, and it's only thirty seconds in.
Brad: I love Keith Allen but am unable to explain why.
Rob: I know what you mean.
Brad: He's greater than the sum of his own parts. Do you remember this song? Or am I legitimately the only person it was played to when it first came out?
Rob: I remembered the name of it when I saw the video load up, but I don't remember the song. It has Paul Kaye in it, I'm not sure why I didn't know it.
Brad: Maybe I am the only person it was ever played to. Maybe Keith Allen just wins his fans over one person at a time. We should invite him to the E14 Christmas Party.
Rob: If you must.
Brad: Well, you know what they say: It's not a Christmas Party if Keith Allen isn't there.
Rob: ...
Brad: ...
Rob: ...Who says that?
Brad: Hunh. Maybe they don't. Maybe I'm the only one who's heard it. Like this song. Score for this one?
Rob: Two Christmas Turkeys. I quite enjoyed that.
Brad: I have thought of something more terrifying than a tentacle faced Santa. Keith Allen singing "I touch your face while you are sleeping". I'm giving it One Christmas Turkey. I'm not sure why I included it. It's awesome.

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Cliff Richard - Mistletoe and Wine



Brad: A common theme in these videos is grown men watching children. Sometimes sleeping ones.
Rob: Tragic, the teddy bear at the beginning has more life behind the eyes than the kid. Though the kid's eyes might be fixated on the strange crooner outside his window.
Brad: Is that a punctuation error, or are we led to believe that the teddy bear's name is "Tragic"?
Rob: ...Why not?
Brad: Again, all the extras look like they were rounded up at the local dribble shop.
Rob: That kid must be terrified from thirty seconds onwards, all these people start patrolling outside his window.
Brad: Must be a pogrom.
Rob: It'd be amazing if at 0:50, that spout turned out to be an elephant's cock.
Brad: It would be a Christmas that Cliff would never forget.
Rob: Nor the elephant, I'd wager. Certainly not that poor little kid.
"I could deal with the singer, and I could deal with the carollers...This is too much."
Brad: The kid named his bear "Tragic", he was damaged goods from the start. The elephant's name is "Prostate".
Rob: The aim of that crowd seems to be to melt that snowdrift in the most arse-backwards way possible.
Brad: I object to them cramming in an extra syllable to the word "Christian".
Rob: Then at 1:45, the Windows Media Player special effects begin.
Brad: Oooh, aaah...
Rob: 2:25 is possibly the biggest anticlimax ever. Normally when songs do that, they're about to gear up a semitone. And why is Cliff having a seizure?
Brad: Seriously, who dances like that? Apart from Keith at the last Christmas party.
Rob: People having seizures.
Brad: I like after the castrati carries the chorus, Cliff tries to look hard.
Rob: "Yeah, I wrote that motherfucker..."
Brad: Score?
Rob: It's out of five right?
Brad: Yeah.
Rob: Seventeen Christmas Turkeys.
Brad: It's a pretty cheesy motherfucker, right?
Rob: Very much so.

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Run DMC - Chrismas in Hollis

Due to Sony Music Europe being douchebags, we're gonna have to link you to this one on YouTube. Check it out, and then head back here for the commentary. - E14 Editorial Team

Brad: Santa's pretty indriscriminate here.
Rob: "Wait, yeah, what? Probably nice..."
Brad: The Elf is wearing a Thunderbirds cap.
Rob: Scarily I recognise this song, and not the Fat Les one.
Brad: They're in a weird place, right?
Rob: Hollis, Queens?
Brad: No, I mean, you can see pop rappers doing a Christmas song, but Run DMC are a little too serious an outfit for that, right? Will Smith, yeah. Wu-Tang Clan...probably not. I feel Run DMC are a little nearer the right of that dial.
Rob: I would watch the shit out of the Wu-Tang Clan Christmas video.
"Now, here is the Wu-Tang Clan, with their song 'Gifts N' Shit'"
Brad: So, the Elf sends gifts to Run DMC. And...that's it? That's the plot?
Rob: Dude, the plot of Walk This Way is that Aerosmith and Run DMC share neighbouring apartments and happen to write the same song with different vocals.
Brad: Public Enemy would be a little more Malcolm X about the whole deal. They'd object to it being a "White" Christmas.
Rob: You know what's always wound me up about Public Enemy?
Brad: No, what?
Rob: The guy with the clock round his neck...in one of their videos he can clearly be seen wearing a watch as well.
Brad: You know that old philosophical question about "Would you go back in time and kill Hitler when we was a baby"?
Rob: Yeah.
Brad: Now we know what Flava Flac will become, would you go back and kill him when Public Enemy were at their peak?
Rob: I guess I would.
Brad: Three Christmas Turkeys.
Rob: Three Christmas Turkeys for me as well.
Brad: Okay this next one is, in my humble opinion, the worst Christmas music video ever.
Rob: Go for it.

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The Cheeky Girls - Have A Cheeky Christmas



Rob: Instant Five Christmas Turkeys.
Brad: You know what says "Hot"?
Rob: What?
Brad: Transylvania!
Rob: They must be freezing in that snow globe.
Brad: My favourite part of this is how they manage to dance out of time. Professional. Rehearsed. Twins. Out of time.
Rob: Hunh.
Brad: Someone got paid money to write this.
Rob: Scary, eh? The main question, of course, is what the entire concept is based around. So, would you? If so, which one?
Brad: I'd have to be drunk. It's one of the reasons I quit drinking in fact.
"So, why do you want to quit drinking?"
"I'm worried I might bang one or both of The Cheeky Girls. It's not a risk I want to take any more."
Rob: The living snowman is back from the Shakin Stevens video! Check 2:00! He does a bit more in this one, I think the costume is less restrictive.
Brad: Would you? If so, which one?
Robert: I haven't quit drinking, so there is that risk. In which case, the one on the right.
Brad: They seem to have a different definition of the word "cheeky" to the rest of the world.
Rob: It seems like the last line of the chorus is "have a cheeky Christmas, Dad."
It's a sign of a typical cheesy pop video when the main dance in the chorus is only just more active than summoning a Zord in Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.
Brad: It makes me instinctively shout "Ha-Do-Ken!". I like that the last line of the Middle Eight is "Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Wow!". That probably backwards masks as "I'm not gonna lie, we just don't give a shit anymore."
Rob: Four Christmas Turkeys. I did originally give it an Instant Five, but I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed their bottoms.
Brad: It's the full Five Christmas Turkeys for me. This contains every single Christmas video cliche, apart from touching a child's face whilst it's sleeping.
Rob: I think that kid from the Cliff video would have been over the moon with that outcome.

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Twisted Sister - Oh Come All Ye Faithful



Rob: There seemed to be some serious emphasis on her tits at 0:23.
Brad: Cool.
Rob: Dee Snyder FTW. Why have I not heard this before?
Brad: The answer to that question is, once again, "Because you suck".
Rob: I'll accept that answer on this occasion.
Brad: You know what I think?
Rob: On a variety of subjects. But go on.
Brad: I think this is what Christmas with Omer is really like.
Rob: I sort of like the archery idea better still.
Brad: I would rent the shit out of "Archery with Dee Snider".

Words: Brad Harmer and Rob Wade

Gaming Reviews

WWE: Smackdown vs Raw 2011
THQ
Available Now - £24.99 (PS2), £29.99 (PSP, Wii), £49.99 (PS3, Xbox 360)
Review by Blake Harmer

Recreating the actual feel of the violent soap-opera that is wrestling in a videogame is a difficult task that developer Yukes has been working on for some time and, as of yet, has still not been able to truly capture. However, this year it seems that Yuke’s has come even closer to capturing the feel of the sport even more.

The biggest improvement to this years game has to be the new Universe mode, which can be used to create feuds and storylines out of any match you play and link them so that the feud runs throughout every week and runs through to the PPV and possibly beyond. This is completely customisable and you can edit any suggestions it throws at you if you don’t like it. It will also create feuds by having events occur during the match such as a run in Vince McMahon making a last minute decision to spice things up, and it is this that captures the feel of the WWE perfectly. Other improvements to the game include better character models that you can see take damage and build up sweat as the match progresses, this has made the screen a lot clearer as they have done away with the body emblem to show damaged limbs. And the only thing shown is your Smackdown meter under your wrestler.

Another improvement is the ability to chain moves on the fly such as adjusting your move so it turns into a pin attempt, and the ability to pull off a larger variety of moves such as throwing someone off of a turnbuckle and onto a table. This improves certain match types, especially the TLC and ladder matches which now allow you to perform finishers from the top of the ladder. Also, the removal of the heavy grapple modifier now means matches feel more realistic as you cannot perform the bigger heavier moves until later on.

If the game does have a serious flaw though it has to be the Road to Wrestlemania mode, which somehow has become completely botched this year with the inclusion terrible mini games involved with meeting wrestlers backstage between matches. But with the Universe mode you’ll soon forget about this anyway.

The Emotionally Fourteen Games Rating
Graphics: Great character models, now with better visuals when it comes to sweating and taking damage. The stage and overall looks of the show is captured perfectly too.
Sound/Music: Commentary hasn’t really improved, but the crowd sounds and entrances are spot on.
Gameplay: An improved wrestling system that makes it feel closer to the show and new and improved modes make this the best SVR game yet.
Lasting Appeal: With the new Universe mode, the ability to create wrestlers in addition to the hundreds already available, plus all the other modes, match types and creativity, true wrestling fans will be kept busy well until next year's installment and possibly beyond.
Summary: The best SVR game yet and one that comes very close to nailing the perfect wrestling game on the head. Sure, as a sports game it’s not as good as UFC, but for capturing the feel of the WWE, you won’t find a game that comes as close as this. 9/10

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Splatterhouse
Namco Bandai
Available Now - £44.99 (PS3, Xbox 360)
Review by Blake Harmer

Having been a gamer for most of my life and having played the first two Splatterhouse games, I will admit that I wasn’t holding out a lot of hope for this being any good. The original games were slow paced stodgy platforming beat ‘em ups with the main emphasis being on gore rather than actual gameplay. However, Namco’s reboot is surprisingly not bad.

So what makes this game superior to the original games? Well firstly, it has a much faster pace and the combat has been based on other 3D action games such as God of War or Castlevania, albeit without the use of chains or whips: main hero Rick is mostly punching things very hard in the face unless he can get hold or a piece of pipe or a cleaver. Also, the storyline holds your interest throughout even though it’s standard rescue your girlfriend fare. There is also some enjoyable voice acting especially the voice of the Terrormask (The mask Rick puts on to save his life and become all powerful to stop the evil Dr West (The bad guy who kidnaps your girlfriend) who comes up with good one liners as you kill demons. There is also an excellent metal soundtrack to assist you in your monster slaughter, which includes great bands such as Mastodon, Lamb of God and The Haunted. So if you’re a metal fan (like me) you’ll enjoy this as your soundtrack to covering the screen in gore.

However, Rick is nowhere near a match for the likes of Kratos or Dante. The production values are below par, and the game can become very repetitive after a few hours, mainly because there is little substance to the games puzzles, as they merely require you to kill monsters in a certain way to progress to the next area. Other problems include some very long loading times, and some distant checkpoints which can make the game frustrating as you have to wait ages after you die and then start at a checkpoint a fair distance back from where you perished.

The Emotionally Fourteen Games Rating
Graphics: Below standard for games of its type but the monster design and animations are good.
Sound/Music: Good monster noises and voice acting convey the feel of the game brilliantly and keeps the gamer interested.
Gameplay: An enjoyable and gory action/adventure clone with lots of good deaths but can become a bit of a one trick pony after awhile, even if you are beating people to death with their own limbs.
Lasting Appeal: A solid ten hours worth of game here, plus it comes with the original three Splatterhouse games as unlockables to keep fans happy. Whether you will put up with repetitiveness depends on how interesting you find the plot.
Summary: An enjoyable if slightly repetitive slug fest that will keep fans of the franchise happy as well as gamers looking for more violence than substance. Well worth a rental while you wait for the next big action game though. 6/10

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Deadly Premonition
Rising Star Games
Available Now - £24.99 (Xbox 360)
Review by Rob Wade

Deadly Premonition is a third-person survival-horror action adventure game that places players in the role of Special Agent Francis York Morgan, the FBI agent in charge of investigating the brutal killing of a local beauty and solving the mystery of the "Red Seed Murders." Investigate the murders and unravel each series of interlocking mysteries in the small rural town of Greenvale, Washington while encountering numerous complex, unusual characters along the way. The local townspeople hinder Agent York's work with their eccentric behavior while supernatural creatures and a folkloric killer seek to end the investigation... permanently!

Pretty much the only thing I was thinking during this game was one simple phrase: I really wish that this game wasn’t technically atrocious. I genuinely believe that this game could have been excellent under a better developer. The story is really strong, with elements of Twin Peaks and Silent Hill present throughout, and a big open world to explore means that the game has a fair bit of lifespan to it. At least, it would if the game wasn’t atrocious technically.

The graphics are on par with other titles, if those titles are Silent Hill on the Playstation 1, and the controls make the character control like a tank. Not even a military tank, a septic tank. “Wait, Rob,” I hear you cry, “septic tanks don’t really move”. Exactly. Septic tanks are not meant to move, and that’s exactly how I felt controlling Francis York Morgan. Unless you got in a car. That was a whole different story, which mostly consisted of “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck” in terms of dialogue. Developers, here’s a tip: When you can’t perform a convincing three-point turn in an area the size of an airfield, your driving game controls poorly.

Then let’s talk about sound. The voice acting is absolutely fucking dire, with the main character seeing fit to tell every single NPC to call him York, saying “everyone calls me that”. Great, tell one person in that way. Don’t tell the entire town in the same way, word for fucking word. As if that wasn’t enough, he’s the most arrogant marksman I’ve ever come across, punctuating every successful gunshot with “Amazing” or “Great”, but with a sense of wonder akin to finding a crisp shaped exactly like Michael Schumacher, helmet and all. Racing helmet, I should say. Don’t worry though, the enemies make him sound like John Gielgud with their slowed down “Don’t want to die…” as they shuffle the mortal coil. True, the game has these people somewhat zombified, but still you expect a little more energy in their conviction if they really don’t want to die.

So maybe the sound effects themselves redeem themselves. Nope. In fact, when you drive the police car (which for some reason has its speed capped at 50mph unless you boost), the aforementioned boosting action makes your car sound like a speedboat. I wish I was making that up. The guns sound alright, but generally the sound effects are pretty lame.

Then there’s the music. The music’s actually pretty good in this game, but it kicks in at the most random moments, such as a jazzy upbeat number during an autopsy report (I’m not even fucking kidding). To make matters worse the audio balancing is shocking. At first, I thought that one particular scene, where the protagonist and the hotel owner had dinner across a massive table, had the music turned up for comedic effect, making their speech harder to hear. It took the next cutscene to clear that up for me; the game just has shitty balancing.

If you can get past these technical errors, the game itself is strangely compelling. The story is a pretty good one, and keeps you engaged as you go along. However, make no mistake: This game has a lot of problems. If this game had been created by somebody like Irrational (the team behind Bioshock), you’d probably have had a classic on your hands. As it is, all you have on your hands is one of those faint smells that’s not quite pleasant, but not quite nauseating. Like custard.

The Emotionally Fourteen Games Rating
Graphics: An interesting style let down by horrible graphics.
Sound/Music: Somewhere between a TV B-Movie and Thunder in Paradise when the boat noises kick in.
Gameplay: Poor, but could have easily been so much better.
Lasting Appeal: Plenty of collectibles to find and a long story. The question is whether or not you have the patience.
Summary: File under “M” for “Missed Opportunity”. 4/10

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Tom Clancy's HAWX
Focus Multimedia/Ubisoft
Available Now - £9.99 (PC)
Review by Blake Harmer

Set in the year 2014 (The Advanced Warfighter universe for those Clancy addicts out there.), you are an elite pilot using one of the most advanced fighter jets as you battle for air superiority in a future war.

Sounds entertaining? Of course it should. However, whilst the premise is interesting enough, the rest of the game just doesn’t live up to it and leaves the whole experience being slightly disappointing. A perfect example of this is the game’s mission structure, which has little or no variation and feels purely like you are taking out ground or air targets and nothing else. I also found it a bit too easy, and the combat a little unoriginal. Sure it is meant to be a Flight Sim, but with its futuristic setting I thought I would get a bit more of a thrill out of the new technology the aircraft is equipped with.

These flaws aside, there is still some enjoyment to be had here, the graphics are pretty and hold up well considering the game’s age. I also enjoyed the game’s fast arcadey feel, which is good because at the end of the day H.A.W.X is all about blowing lots of planes up, so if it was too set in trying to be realistic, what little fun there is left would have been completely eradicated.

The Emotionally Fourteen Games Rating
Graphics: Nice and pretty plane designs and vistas that still hold up well considering the game is now over a year old.
Sound/Music: Engine noises and good explosions, but nothing really to shout about otherwise.
Gameplay: An enjoyable gory action/adventure game, but can become a bit of a one trick pony after a while.
Lasting Appeal: A lack of challenge, mission variety and missions (only twenty in all) to keep you playing for very long, and there isn’t enough to the games multiplayer mode to pry gamers away from the likes of Modern Warfare.
Summary: A fun and fast arcadey flight sim' that has too little originality or real thrills to separate it above other Flight Sim’s. However, at it’s new budget price, there is enough here to keep you happy and not feel cheated out of your hard cash. 5/10

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Red Weed

EPISODE IV: THE CYLINDER OPENS

I returned to Horsell Common at sunset. Scattered groups were hurrying from the direction of Woking. The crowd about the pit had increased - a couple of hundred people, perhaps. There were raised voices, and a struggle appeared to be going on about the pit. As I drew nearer I heard the voice of Aryan Odinson, the Astronomer Royal:

“Keep back! Keep back!”

A ginger-headed boy came limping towards me, and I instinctively clotheslined him.

“It’s a-movin’!” he gasped as crumpled to the ground. “A-screwin’ and a-screwin’ out. I don’t like it. I’m a-goin’ ’ome, I am.”

I clipped him around the ear for poor grammar and went on to join the crowd. There were really, I should think, schnufty-fufty people elbowing and jostling one another, the one or two ladies there being by no means the least active.

“He’s fallen in the pit!” cried someone.

“Keep back!” said someone else.

The crowd swayed a little, and I shoulder-barged my way through. Everyone seemed greatly excited. I heard a peculiar humming sound from the pit.

“Professor von Bolt-Thrower!” said Humid William; “Help keep these tossers back! We don’t know what’s in the bastard thing!”

I saw a young man, a shop assistant in Woking I believe he was, standing on the cylinder and trying to scramble out of the hole again. The crowd had pushed him in. Personally, I thought this was hilarious, and wished I’d had the foresight to bring my BB gun.

The end of the cylinder was being screwed out from within and nearly two feet of shining metal was now projecting. Somebody bumped against me, and I narrowly missed being pushed onto the top of the screw. I turned to deliver a gut punch and, as I did so, the screw must have popped out, for the lid of the cylinder fell upon the gravel with a ringing bang. Or a banging ring. One of the two.

I slammed my elbow into the person behind me, and turned my head towards the Thing again. For a moment that circular cavity seemed perfectly black.

I think everyone expected to see someone emerge—possibly something a little different from ourselves, but in all essentials a man. Looking closely, I presently saw something stirring within the shadow: greyish billowy movements, one above another, and then two luminous disc-like eyes. Then something resembling a little grey snake, about the thickness of a walking stick, coiled up out of the writhing middle, and wriggled in the air towards me—and then another. I patted my pocket, checking my vortex grenade was still in place.

There was a loud shriek from a woman behind. I half turned, keeping my eyes fixed upon the cylinder, from which other tentacles were now projecting, and began pushing my way away from the pit. There was a general movement backwards from the people, too. I saw the Woking shop-owner struggling still. I found myself alone, and saw the people on the other side of the pit running off, Aryan Odinson among them. I looked again at the cylinder.

A big greyish rounded bulk, the size, perhaps, of a bear, was rising slowly and painfully out of the cylinder. As it bulged up and caught the light, it glistened like wet leather.

Two large dark-coloured eyes were regarding me steadfastly. The head was rounded, and had a face, of sorts. There was a mouth, the lipless brim of which quivered and panted, and dropped saliva. The whole creature heaved and pulsated convulsively. A lank tentacular appendage gripped the edge of the cylinder, another swayed in the air. At least, I really hope it was a tentacular appendage.

Those who have never seen a living Martian can scarcely imagine the strange horror of its appearance. The peculiar V-shaped mouth with its pointed upper lip, the absence of brow ridges, the absence of a chin beneath the wedgelike lower lip, the incessant quivering of this mouth, the groups of tentacles, the tumultuous breathing of the lungs in a strange atmosphere, the evident heaviness and painfulness of movement due to the greater gravitational energy of the earth— above all, the extraordinary intensity of the immense eyes...Even at this first encounter, this first glimpse, I was overcome with disgust and dread, not dissimilar to my first viewing of John Prescott.

Suddenly the monster vanished. It had toppled over the brim of the cylinder and fallen into the pit, with a thud.

I lit my cigar from my blowtorch, and cocked an eyebrow at the cylinder. “Well, that takes care of that alien invasion. Bitches should know better than to mess with Professor Rutger Awesomness von Bol...”

I heard it give a peculiar cry, and forthwith another of these creatures appeared darkly in the deep shadow of the aperture.

I turned and, running bravely, made for the first group of trees, perhaps a hundred yards away.

There, among some pine trees, I stopped and waited to see what would happen. The common around the sand pits was dotted with people, standing in a half-fascinated terror, staring at these creatures, or rather at the heaped gravel at the edge of the pit in which they lay. After a moment, I saw a round, black object bobbing up and down on the edge of the pit. It was the head of the shopkeeper who had fallen in, in silhouette. Now he got his shoulder and knee up, and again he seemed to slip back until only his head was visible. Suddenly he vanished, and I heard a girlish shriek. I had a momentary impulse to go back and help but dismissed the notion as anti-Darwinist.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Words: Brad Harmer & H.G. Wells