Star Trek Aliens: A Spotter's Guide

Klingons
Good Guys or Bad Guys: They started off bad guys in the original series, but they’re pretty much good guys from The Next Generation onwards.
Mad Forehead, or Mad Ears?: Mad forehead.
Culture: Warrior Caste. Frequently exhibit cockiness and debauchery. Basically, the Chavs of Space.
Most Likely to Say: K’plah.
Trivia: You can pretty much bluff Klingon with nothing but “t”s and “k”s.




Vulcans
Good Guys or Bad Guys: Good guys, really – if a little stand-offish. Lot of attitude to go with. They appear to come from the planet Aspergers.
Mad Forehead, or Mad Ears?: Mad ears, with some mad eyebrown action creeping onto the forehead.
Culture: An intellectual culture based on logic, douchebaggery and Vulcan Neck Pinches.
Most Likely to Say: “That seems highly illogical. Let’s do what I say, instead.”
Trivia: Hell is being stuck in a lift with a Vulcan.




Romulans
Good Guys or Bad Guys: Usually bad guys. They’ve never really been accepted.
Mad Forehead, or Mad Ears?: Mad ears.
Culture: Romulans are the counterpoint to the Vulcan race, with whom they share a common ancestry. Romulans are passionate, cunning, and opportunistic — in every way the opposite of Vulcans.
Most Likely to Say: “No, we are not just a mix of Klingon and Vulcan thought up during a slow day.”
Trivia: You can go all of your Star Trek watching life without needing to see anything with Romulans in.




Cardassians
Good Guys or Bad Guys: Out for their own, to be honest. They could be good or bad, depending on the situation. They were most often seen in Deep Space Nine, which is why they’re probably the least recognised alien here.
Mad Forehead, or Mad Ears?: Very mad forehead, slightly mad ears.
Culture: They are often politically motivated, like most Human politicians. There are often predatory, like most Human politicians. They are often very intelligent.
Most likely to say: “What do you mean we’re not on the list? We’ve been in the franchise since 1991! I demand to speak to Mr Roddenbe...oh, what? We’ve been queuing here for ages, and you’re letting freaking Wookies in now?”




Ferengi
Good Guys or Bad Guys: In The Next Generation, they were basically Klingons Take Two. By the time of Deep Space Nine, they’re basically the equivalent of Woody Harrelson in Cheers. No movie has ever been based around the Ferengi. Just saying.
Mad Forehead, or Mad Ears?: Mad forehead extending into and wrapping around the mad ears.
Culture: A heavily merchant based culture, albeit sometimes a shady and underhand one.
Most Likely To Say: “Stop staring at my weird head.”




Borg
Good Guys or Bad Guys: Totally bad guys. These are your “old school” seek and destroy style alien invaders. They’re also of an insectoid hive mind, which any really lazy media student will tell you is representative of a fear of Communism. I never understood that personally. I’m much more scared of giant insects than I am of Communism.
Mad Forehead or Mad Ears?: Lump of cyberpunk style machinery over one ear.
Culture: A cybernetic culture hell bent on destroying and assimilating the universe for no other reason than that is what they do. A bit like giant insects. And, to a lesser extent, Communists.
Most Likely To Say: “Resistance is futile.”




Species 8472
Good Guys or Bad Guys: Bad guys, I guess. They’re sworn enemy of the Borg, so that’s a pretty good thing. Ironically, they resemble giant insects.
Mad Forehead or Mad Ears?: Mad everything.
Culture: They kill the fuck out of things.
Mostly Likely to Say: Nothing. And then stab you.

Video Game Reviews: Final Fantasy XIII

Final Fantasy XIII
Square Enix
Available Now - £49.99 (PS3 (Version Tested) and Xbox 360) and £59.99 (Limited Collector's Edition - PS3 and Xbox 360)
Review by Blake Harmer

As a hardcore gamer, there aren’t many games that I look forward to playing more than the next Final Fantasy game. Sure, like a lot of people I didn’t really get into the franchise until Final Fantasy VII, but I have become a huge fan by playing pretty much every single game in the series after that, with the inclusion of some of the spin-off games such as Final Fantasy Tactics and Disgaea: Final Fantasy. So I feel extremely privileged to able to review Final Fantasy XIII, as it has been one of the games I have been looking forward to since it was first announced about three years ago.

Like a lot of Final Fantasy games, the plot sees a band of unlikely heroes thrown together to prevent untold destruction and save their world (called Cocoon). The characters involve a variety of people including Snow, the leader of rebel faction "Nora" out to save his fiancée Serah; Lightning, Serah’s sister who is also trying to save her; Hope, a child whose mother died whilst fighting Sanctum (Cocoon’s government) troops but blames Snow for not saving her; and Sazh, a civilian with a baby chocobo living in his enormous hair, who joins the fight in order to save his son from a fate worse than death. And then we have Vanille and Fang but I won’t reveal their stories as it would give too much away and I wouldn’t want to spoil FFXIII’s excellent storyline.

So what is new about this "next generation" Final Fantasy? Well, the most major difference to the game is the combat, which has gone away from FFXII’s MMORPG method of combat and gone back to the initiating a fight combat screen of old. However, the game does still retain FFXII’s monsters being on the game world, so you can avoid a fight if you want to (as long as you can outrun them), and you can also do a pre-emptive strike on them if you can sneak up on them without alerting their attention.

The combat also focuses more on the hero you’re controlling rather than your whole team, with AI deciding what moves the other heroes do. However, you can assign “paradigms” which allow you to assign roles to each person, such as healer, magic wielder, heavy hitter etc. This is done on the fly so it creates quite a tactical sort of combat where you have to assign the best roles at the best times so you can deal the most damage to your enemies whilst keeping your team healthy, and whilst this may be challenging at times, it is very satisfying when you defeat an enemy. Chuck in technical abilities such as the summoning of Eidolons (Guardian Forces/Aeons, etc) to aid in combat and you have an excellent in depth fighting system.

The game is also great as it feels like you are never too far away from a save point, which is a god-send as these are also the places where you can buy supplies and weapons, or upgrade your existing weapons and armour. This is also another nice touch, as you can improve your current weapon or swap to a new one that may be weaker, but may ultimately upgrade to be a much more powerful weapon, adding an element of "risk versus reward" to the proceedings.

Lastly, whilst it is really only a minor point in the scheme of things, FFXIII does deserve credit purely for its production values. The graphics, both in game and cut scenes, are truly breathtaking, and the sound is truly phenomenal featuring great voice acting. Every line of dialogue has been recorded so gone are the blue text boxes of doom.

So why the lack of a 10/10 score? Well, the game, whilst bringing some great ideas to the Final Fantasy table, does fall down where previous instalments have been better. For starters, the game is completely linear and there are no real areas to explore or side quests to complete, so the fun of finding the ultimate weapon or other hidden treasures has disappeared and been hidden in the form of upgrading your weapon. Also, the combat, whilst brilliant can be frustrating because, if your central hero at the time is KO’d the game ends and you have to start back at the last checkpoint, but if your team mates die, you can use a Phoenix Down to bring them back to life. This makes it frustrating if a monster does a really powerful attack on your character and ends the game when if it did it to another character it would be just a mild inconvenience.

However, with these faults aside Final Fantasy XIII is still a great game and will delight fans. Just don’t expect it to completely blow away the other games in the series.

The Emotionally Fourteen Games Rating:
Graphics: FFXIII is the prettiest multi-platform game I have ever seen, like the previous games, it graphically sets the benchmark that far surpasses any other multi-platform game, and the cut scenes are truly breathtaking.
Sound/Music: Those familiar orchestral pieces that only a Final Fantasy game can have, plus some superb voice acting makes the game feel like an animated movie at times.
Gameplay: A strong yet difficult combat system holds the game in place, but the linear storyline and lack of exploration does damage the game against previous instalments.
Lasting Appeal: It’s a Final Fantasy game...what more can I say besides that you will definitely get your money's worth, despite its linearity.
Summary: Despite FFXIII’s new ideas (some great, some not so great) at its heart this next generation Final Fantasy still does what the series has always done best: create wonderful universes with its own history and great characters, in which to tell great stories. This is essential if you are a fan of the Final Fantasy series or you really enjoy RPGs, and you will not be disappointed. However, if you don’t like the Final Fantasy series, the new changes to the combat aren’t likely to be different enough to convert you. It may not be the best installment due to its faults, but it does have elements that could make the number fourteen the best Final Fantasy yet. 8/10

Things the Star Wars TV Series can do that will make it awesome (Part 2)

Love them or loathe them, one thing above all is obvious: The Star Wars prequels split the community upon their release. With George Lucas' announcement of a live-action television series focusing on the events between Episodes 3 and 4, speculation is rife about some of the things that are to be included in the series. Lucas has clearly and definitively mentioned that Darth Vader and Sidious will not be directly featured, and that there may be a plot line involving Leia, but other than that most has been left to speculation. E14, therefore, lists this week some more of the ideas we think could make the show worth watching.

Read part 1 here

No Battle Droids

I would hope that this would be a given from a canonical perspective in any case, considering that Order 66 has put the Clone Troopers firmly in the hands of Emperor Palpatine. However, I wouldn't put it past Lucas to write in a storyline where there was one detachment left on some remote planet or something. These robots started off with a small amount of my respect, as in Episode 1 I saw them kill off a shitload of Jar Jar Binks' colleagues, and one can of course dream that the floppy-eared wanker would be next. Of course, that didn't happen, and Jar Jar Binks went on to have great success as a politician, while simultaneously unwittingly bringing destruction and tyranny upon the galaxy.

Nice work, tosspot.

Anyway, while fans of the Saga would be aghast at the idea of Jar Jar making his presence known in the TV series (and I'm semi-convinced that it will probably happen at some point), I think the far greater risk is the inclusion of Trade Federation battle droids in some capacity. They're not in the least bit fearsome, especially as they've been reduced to the source of a few cheap visual gags and slapstick humour in the third movie.

Develop the stormtrooper thing more. Have the clone troopers as a gradual fade-out with the conscription of the Empire gradually replacing them. Obviously, the series should be somewhat themed on subterfuge and sabotage, as the Rebel Alliance is going to be on a weaker footing at the beginning of the series at the very least. Gradually, the focus will be on the movement gaining power. Eventually, citizens of the galaxy will have to decide where their allegiances lie, and this could be a good point of conflict for some of the characters in the series (particularly if the themes of Imperial espionage are as prevalent as they could be).

As few Jedi as possible


This is probably the one that you might find yourself disagreeing with on this list, but I have my reasons. My logic on this one is not entirely dissimilar from my logic when it comes to why I think the prequel trilogy was a mixed bag. Now, I watched the Original Trilogy as a young kid, and part of my enjoyment was the surprise involved. I first found out that Darth Vader was Luke's father in Episode 5, not in Episode 3. There's plenty to be said for the element of surprise in that movie, they even kept it from Mark Hamill until the first take!

A lot of the magic surrounding Jedi in the Original Trilogy stems from the fact that all the way through Episode 4, Obi-Wan is talking about how powerful the Force is as an all-encompassing energy field. Then he decides to use his infinite power to guess that a planet's been destroyed, make a little noise to distract a couple of jobsworths and then gets cut down by a guy in a black suit by a laser sword, leaving you thinking "Ok, what the fuck?" until the next movie, where he FUCKING APPEARS AS A GHOST! How bollocking awesome, right? Then a little puppet guy lifts a ship out of the water! What the hell is better than that?

Anyway, part of the appeal of the Jedi is that throughout the trilogy the amount of power being demonstrated amps up considerably from movie to movie. From Episode 4's minor actions to Luke choking a couple of pig-looking guys in Episode 6, the amount of clout given to the Force ramps up more and more until finally Palpatine turns Luke into a battery before being tossed into a reactor shaft by Darth Vader.

So what do they do in Episodes 1-3? Chuck the Force around like it's soft drinks at an AA meeting (not the automotive assistance people, the alcoholic people). Even Yoda, the little puppet guy who was supposed to be surprising when he demonstrated his power in Episode 5, jumps around like a whippet with a firework up its arse. Don't ask me how I can make that comparison by the way, let's just say that there's sweet fuck-all to do in Medway without running your own geek blog, and I didn't always have that.

Here's an idea: make the Force more about inner strength again. All well and good showing plenty of lightsaber battles, but they'll get boring thrown into several episodes in a row for ten minutes at a time. Now, as it stands, Lucas has only intimated at a possible inclusion of one Jedi in the form of Quinlan Vos, whose comic book appearance was allowed by Lucas on the condition that under no circumstances was he to be killed off. Intriguing, I'm sure you'll agree, and the inclusion of one Jedi would be welcome as long as he doesn't appear too often.

Better yet, make him a very secluded character. If you've read Legacy, you'll understand what I mean when I say that he should be treated in the same way as Cade started off at the beginning of the series. If you've not, then I'll sum it up: he's a Jedi, but he makes a point of hiding it and only shows his hand when it comes to life-or-death situations. Have Quinlan Vos as an undercover Jedi in hiding, and make a side-story about his attempts to avoid detection. It'd make for great TV, and he can always do the jumpy-jumpy slashy-slashy if needed to bring in the ratings.