Sunday 22 May 2011

Dickass DM

Remember good, old-fashioned gamebooks? They promised all the fun of a role-playing game, with none of the social interaction - what more could a teenage boy desire? The thing is, that while the gamebook became a great gaming experience in its own right, the only RPG it could possibly have simulated was one being GM'd by Satan himself. 90% of decisions led to certain death, and combat was often fatal.

Satan wasn't available, so Brad will be GMing Rob through an RPG based on the classic Tom Sheldon gamebook Big Match Manager. Brad is the DM, and Rob plays his character, Terry Braggables.

Catch up with previous Dickass DM installments here!
===Saturday 5th===
Brad: It's the day of your away match against Gonalston City, and you spend the early morning selecting your team.
As the players climb aboard the team bus, you notice that Will Frost and Ian Leslie are deeply engaged in a discussion.
Terry Braggables: What's up boys, thinking of becoming a double act?
Brad: They are last to board, and their whispering continues as the bus moves away.
Terry Braggables: Something you want to share with the rest of the class?
Will Frost: [quickly] Nothing, chief.
Brad: The players look at each other.
Ian Leslie: [hissing, to Will Frost] You've got to...
Wil Frost: [nervoustly] It's just - I've been getting these phone calls at home, about four of them now, in the night mostly. This muffled voice, telling me to play badly.
Terry Braggables: Do they ask you what you're wearing? If so, I'll have a word with the chairman.
Will Frost: Last time he said Danny was first, and I could be next.
Terry Braggables: I wouldn't worry about it..probably some dickass.
McSpindle: Should we inform the police, though? I think we should hire more security in any case.
Terry Braggables: They're probably busy asking people in the phonebook if they kidnapped Danny.
Ian Leslie: Any word on Danny?
Terry Braggables: Nope, though they've ruled out A and B.
McSpindle: [to you] I think the police are as fucked as we are.

Brad: On the way to the Gonalston City stadium you study the form of the opposition.
Rob: Human, I'd hope,.
Gonalston City FC
Gonalston have enjoyed a windfall of new talent this season, and with two big wins under their belts already they're looking to be a force to be reckoned with. Jules Torrence will be looking to crush Hardwick at home in this match, and you'll have to play at ful tilt if you're going to deny him.
Brad: Bostock, Parker and Leslie have all recovered and can play as normal. You have no injured players. Pick your starting team.
Fitzgerald - Fry - Bobak - Carvalho - Neville
Frost - Wehnert - Bostock
Suda - Wood

First Half
Hardwick City Scores!
Rob: Wa-hey!
Gonalston City 0 - Hardwick City 1
Gonalston City Score!
Gonalston City 1 - Hardwick City 1
Hardwick City Score!
Gonalston City 1 - Hardwick City 2
Gonalston City Score!
Gonalston City 2 - Hardwick City 2
Hardwick City Score!
Gonalston City 2 - Hardwick City 3
Half time
Second Half
Gonalston City's #7 Shirt is given a yellow card.
Gonalston City are awarded a corner.
They fail to score.
McSpindle: They'll sleep tonight.

Gonalston City Score!
Gonalston City 3 - Hardwick City 3
Gonalston City Score!
Gonalston City 4 - Hardwick City 3
Full time!
Rob: What the hell?!
Brad: The atmosphere in the bus on the way back to Hardwick is rowdy as ever, but you're not in the mood this time. It's been weeks now since Danny's disappearance and neither the police nor you seem to be any closer to getting him back safely.
McSpindle: You may right. The police have officially listed him as "Missing - Presumed Raped".
Terry Braggables: Raped? I hope not for his anus.
Brad: You recline your seat, and stare out through rain-spattered windows as the featureless motorway races past. It's hypnotic, and you begin to doze off when you are woken by the sudden vibration...
McSpindle: Wa-hey!
Brad: ...of your mobile.
You look at the display:
Danny Knox
Answer it?
Rob: Of course!
Brad: Your hands are shaking as you press 'answer'.
Terry Braggables: Is this who I think it is?
Brad: An unfamiliar voice replies in a flat monotone, making the hair on the back of your neck stand up.
Voice: Don't get involved. You know we're watching you. Back off. Or you're next.
Terry Braggables:'s not who I think it is?
Brad: They hang up.
McSpindle: Try calling back!
Terry Braggables: How would I know what number to call?
McSpindle: It came up as Danny Knox? Surely it's in your phonebook? Ass.
Brad: You try calling back but a computerised voice tell you 'the mobile you are calling is switched off'. You resume your journey in uneasy silence.
The bus eventually pulls up in the club car park.
You sit and wait whilst your players file past you and down the steps.

McSpindle: What are we waiting for?
Terry Braggables: A sign...
Driver: We're back, guv. Long day, was it?
Terry Braggables: One of the longest.
Brad: He starts telling you about some useless mechanic not being able to fix the carburettor, but you're only half-listening as you've spotted club chairman Victor Sinkowski leaving the building and heading towards his car. He hasn't seen you.
Terry Braggables: Yeah, yeah, yeah...I'm not listening about your carbonator.
Rob: Follow him.
McSpindle: Breakin' the law, breakin the law! Woah-woah!
Terry Braggables: How are we breaking the law?
McSpindle: Sorry, I was miles away. What are we doing?
Brad: You dash to your car and jump inside, just as Victor's dark green Jaguar growls past the security gate and sweeps up the road to the left. You follow cautiously through the exit and onto the one-way system. You are queuing at lights...
McSpindle: So...this is what a high speed chase is like...
Terry Braggables: Yeah, in reality.
Brad: ... and you can just make out his sausage fingers drumming on the steering-wheel two cars ahead.
McSpindle: Wow. You have eyes of a hawk.
Terry Braggables: I know! It's incredible really.
McSpindle: One of those hawks that can see through solid objects. Or, at the very least, around corners.
Brad: Your heart is thumping in your chest as you pray your car can keep pace with the powerful engine under Sinkowski's bonnet.
McSpindle: This...this is a Fiat, isnt' it?
Terry Braggables: It came very high in reliability reviews online!
Brad: After an age, the lights turn to green.
Rob: I hang back to make sure he doesn't see.
Brad: As the traffic begins to creep forward, you try to maintain a safe distance.
You can still see Victor's car up ahead, and wherever he's going he doesn't seem to be in much of a hurry to get there. You pick up speed to match his, but just as you begin to feel you've got the hang of these covert operations you see another set of lights just ahead changing to amber. Sinkowski's Jaguar sails through them, and you will the cars between you to keep going. The tail lights of the car in front of you flare red as the driver slows to a stop, and you slam on the brakes.

Terry Braggables: I have a bad feeling about this.
Brad: A gaggle of school-children is crossing in front of you, and beyond them you see Victor disappearing into the distance. Sitting there tapping your foot won't help.
Rob: A group of school children is a gaggle?
Brad: I've always wanted the collective noun for websites to be "a google".
Rob: I stay in pursuit.
Brad: Eventually the amber light begins to flash and the car in front pulls away.
You floor the accelerator and overtake, wishing you'd had that eye test as you scan the distance for any sign of Victor Sinkowski.
McSpindle: I really think he's the bad guy, and I have proof.
Terry Braggables: ...Really?
McSpindle: Yup. His name's Victor. I can't think of any Victor who isn't a bad guy.
Terry Braggables: ...
McSpindle: You think we'll need more for a conviction?
Terry Braggables: Almost certainly.
Brad: There's a roundabout up ahead, but still no sign of him as you reach it.
Rob: He would be unlikely to be parked at a roundabout.
Brad: Take the exit on the left, take the exit straight ahead, or take the exit on the right?
McSpindle: Toss a three headed coin! They exist in this universe, right?
Terry Braggables: Why not?
Rob: Go straight ahead.
Brad: The car lurches as it speeds over the roundabout. After three or four miles of furious driving there's still no sign of him.
Rob: I went straight over it?
Brad: Either he's way ahead of you by now or you made a wrong turn. Best cut your losses and head back to the club.
You're back in your office after a tiring afternoon. Topflight Sportswear has turned out to be a very successful and popular brand, and this sponsorship deal has worked out even better for the team than the last one!
Rob: Hurrah!
Brad: Budget has increased to £5mill. Not bad for one phonecall!
Rob: Indeed.
Brad: You've got a game coming up against Bridgford City this Saturday. This could be a good time to work on some individual skills. Alternatively you may wish to concentrate on overall Morale and Fitness in the team.
Rob: Individual skills.
Brad: Think about where your weaknesses are: is the key to Hardwick's success getting more goals in or keeping more goals out?

McSpindle: Both!
Rob: Train on shot-stopping.
Brad: Choose one of your goalkeepers.
Rob: Rose.
Brad: Rose responds well in training.
Rob: Good lad.
Brad: What skill do you want to train next?
Rob: Free kicks.
Wehnert responds especially well in training. For the rest of the season, he receives a bonus when taking a free kick.
Rob: That's an incredibly effective training session!
===Saturday 12th===
Brad: You wake early on Saturday morning feeling confident in the ability of your team to go out in front of the home fans and get a result today.
Rob: I am as well! I will be interested to see if the chairman makes it.
Brad: Today's needle match is against your local rivals Bridgford City, and the visitors' stand is sure to be packed as this is always one of the more raucous games of the season.
McSpindle: "Needle match"?
Terry Braggables: I have no idea. Maybe it's a gimmick, like ladders.
Brad: For years the home team has always won this fixture. Will you manage to follow tradition?
Bridgford City FC
Dave Curtis is a no-nonsense type of manager, and Bridgford aren't a team for fancy tactics.But their showing so far has been average at best, and defensively they have appeared frail. An opposition with a strong attacking presence should be able to capitalise on this.
Brad: Pick your starting team.
Carvalho - Bobak - Fitzgerald - Fry.
Wehnert - Bostock - Frost.
Parker - Wood - Suda

Brad: The whistle to signal start of play is accompanied by the usual rise in volume from the huge body of support that has turned up for this fixture. In the first five minutes it is clear that the Bridgford defence is particularly shaky, and the attacks are all coming from your side.
Your strength up front is leaving Bridgford's defenders in disarray. Your attackers are breaking forward at every opportunity and their goalie is having a nightmare as shots come in from all sides.
Rob: In the first five minutes?

First Half
Bridford City are awarded a free kick.
They fail to score.
Rob: ...My team must be fucking wasteful.
Hardwick City are awarded a free kick.
Rob: Oooooooh...
Wehnert scores!
Rob: Yay!
Hardwick City 1 - Brigdford City 0
Hardwick City score!
Hardwick City 2 - Bridgford City 0
Bridgford City score!
Rob: S.O.B's.
McSpindle: I was going to say "fuckbastards".
Terry Braggables: I like yours better.
Hardwick City 2 - Bridford City 1
Hardwick City score!
Hardwick City 3 - Bridgford City 1
McSpindle: It's like hockey! Awesome!
Bridgford City score!
Hardwick City 3 - Bridgford City 2
Hardwick City score!
Hardwick City 4 - Bridgford City 2
Rob: Kick ass!
Bridgford City score!
Hardwick City 4 - Bridgford City 3
The referee is showing Klaus Wehnert a card...
Rob: ...

It's red! Klaus Wehnert has been sent off!
Terry Braggables: That wouldn't even have injured my crippled grandmother!
Half time.
Brad: I'll tell you something...I've seen entire matches that weren't as interesting as the last fifteen minutes of that half.
Rob: That's most of them in fact.
Brad: Your players come off for half-time, and you walk with them up the tunnel to the dressing room. Half-time over and the fans are back at their seats with pies and cups of tea.
Rob: Only in football would that be a combination that people would enjoy.



To celebrate the 40th anniversary of Stanley Kubrick’s masterpiece, A Clockwork Orange, Warner Home Video will release the Stanley Kubrick: Limited Edition Collection on Blu-ray™ on 23rd May. Three lucky readers could be in with the chance of winning a copy of the Limited Edition Blu-ray collection by entering this competition!

The collection features the film and bonus content from A Clockwork Orange 40th Anniversary Edition, the Blu-ray debuts of Lolita and Barry Lyndon, as well as the feature films 2001: A Space Odyssey, The Shining, Full Metal Jacket, and Eyes Wide Shut. The Blu-ray collection will be boxed in new book-style premium packaging and will include a 40-page hard-cover book that explores the breadth of genres and themes in Kubrick’s work.

Stanley Kubrick: Limited Edition Collection on Blu-ray will be released on 23rd May 2011 and is available to pre-order online now.

To be in with the chance of winning a copy of this Limited Edition collection, please just answer the following question.

Who played the character Alex in A Clockwork Orange?
a. Malcolm McDowell
b. Stanley Kubrick
c. Barry Lyndon

For your chance of winning, send your answer, name and full postal address to before midday on Sunday 29th May, making sure to put "Stanley Kubrick" as the subject. The first three entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a free copy!

Don't forget to put "Stanley Kubrick" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland. ©2011 Warner Bros. Entertainment. All Rights Reserved.

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