The timing on this one shouldn't be too surprising. Though I did vote in the election last Thursday, technically I've had the right to vote at least once in the past. Frankly, before this election, I've always felt like politicians devolve very heavily into the territory of "better the devil you know, or is it?"
The election campaign always goes the same way, and this time around was no different. Three people who have lost touch with the people of their country, harping on about some massive fuck-ups the other one has done or would do, all the while dodging the question of how they would do it better. I swear, clear and straight answers from politicians are like sober pictures of Lindsay Lohan; if you find one, it's a really big deal.
Incidentally, a message for Lindsay Lohan: when an online search for your name plus the word 'drunk' returns three hundred and six thousand results, it's probably time to take a look at your life.
Going back to politics, the result as it stands is what's called a "hung parliament". What it essentially boils down to is the fact that even the party that wins the most seats doesn't win enough for a majority, which apparently you need in this country in order to be an automatic win. Now, that's a bit of a weird one, in that you can technically 'win' the election, and through no fault of your own still end up not being able to make the decisions that change the country without checking with somebody else first.
It's obvious that we need a change to politics in this country in any case. If that's the system, that's one thing, but if the expenses scandal has taught us anything it's that these elected officials have lost complete touch with both reality and what it's like to be a human.
Let's take a look at some of the expenses that MPs claimed for with taxpayers' money in a bit more depth, shall we?
Douglas Hogg claimed £2,115 on having his moat cleaned. No, you read that correctly; don't second-guess yourself and assume that you've read it wrong. A member of Parliament for the country of Great Britain, in the year 2010, has a fucking moat outside their house. Now, I've gone ahead and done some research on the subject of moats in Mr Hogg's constituency, which in this case is Sleaford and North Hykeham. As an aside, anyone else ever heard of Sleaford and North Hykeham? Not just me, then. Good stuff.
Anyway, the main focus of my research was specifically the risk of attack necessitating a moat in Sleaford and North Hykeham, more geared at establishing the likelihood of maybe a cavalry charge, or at the very least some catapult bombardment. Do you know how likely it came out as? Not fucking very.
I want that costume. Just saying.
The voting system's stupid anyway, this is the main point I'm trying to get across here. I can think of a system that works more effectively, the details of which I will give you now. It's only fair, after all, if you're going to judge an idea, that you have all the facts surrounding it. Not usually something you'd associate with politics, but there you go. Usually it goes along the lines of "Oh, this middle-class tosspot has promised not to tax the shit out of me. He doesn't go into detail about the massive spending cuts in the public sector, but whatever; I like his face" or "Ooh, I like the idea of getting rid of our old nuclear missile system, and I certainly don't need to know how we're going to stop ourselves from being completely pussy-slapped around by the rest of the developed world when we disarm and end up looking like the EU's global eunuch."
Hell, at least Gordon Brown has a bit of personality about him. Yeah, fair enough, he called some old woman a "bigot" after speaking to her, but for all we know she murders kittens, so in a way he might have the gift of clairvoyance there. Politicians haven't been E14 since Churchill (not the dog, the other one). Do you know what he had the balls to write when he declared war on Japan? He ended the letter with this:
"I have the honour to be, with high consideration, Sir, Your obedient servant"
Awesome right? As an aside, what do you reckon a Prime Minister would do in our tech-savvy age to declare war? E-Mail? A Facebook status update? Perhaps "David Cameron (because let's be fair, he'll end up being PM) likes fucking up Japan." or "Great Britain changed their relationship status to 'In a war' with Spain." Anyway, they asked Churchill why he wrote that in a letter declaring war, and his reply was more awesome still:
"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite".
What more have we lost sight of in this country but common decency? The number of car accidents I've narrowly avoided in the last few months have been immense, and every time without fail it's because some impatient prick pulls out on me or is trying to get past too fast, and every time they look at me like it's my fault! I mean, I could change out of first gear on the motorway, but what can I say? I like the smell of burning.
My idea, then, is simple: People can still vote for their local constituency MPs as before, but this result then has no bearing on the party leaders. Their political battle is decided in a different way. Now, for this system to work, the leaders can indeed make use of their MPs' victories, as it will give them a handicap much like golf in the competition. The platform of choice for this Prime Ministerial debate? Street Fighter 2. I'd vote in a second for the party leader who could win an all-night tournament.
Cock off, Politicians, Cock off.
The election campaign always goes the same way, and this time around was no different. Three people who have lost touch with the people of their country, harping on about some massive fuck-ups the other one has done or would do, all the while dodging the question of how they would do it better. I swear, clear and straight answers from politicians are like sober pictures of Lindsay Lohan; if you find one, it's a really big deal.
Incidentally, a message for Lindsay Lohan: when an online search for your name plus the word 'drunk' returns three hundred and six thousand results, it's probably time to take a look at your life.Going back to politics, the result as it stands is what's called a "hung parliament". What it essentially boils down to is the fact that even the party that wins the most seats doesn't win enough for a majority, which apparently you need in this country in order to be an automatic win. Now, that's a bit of a weird one, in that you can technically 'win' the election, and through no fault of your own still end up not being able to make the decisions that change the country without checking with somebody else first.
It's obvious that we need a change to politics in this country in any case. If that's the system, that's one thing, but if the expenses scandal has taught us anything it's that these elected officials have lost complete touch with both reality and what it's like to be a human.
Let's take a look at some of the expenses that MPs claimed for with taxpayers' money in a bit more depth, shall we?
Douglas Hogg claimed £2,115 on having his moat cleaned. No, you read that correctly; don't second-guess yourself and assume that you've read it wrong. A member of Parliament for the country of Great Britain, in the year 2010, has a fucking moat outside their house. Now, I've gone ahead and done some research on the subject of moats in Mr Hogg's constituency, which in this case is Sleaford and North Hykeham. As an aside, anyone else ever heard of Sleaford and North Hykeham? Not just me, then. Good stuff.
Anyway, the main focus of my research was specifically the risk of attack necessitating a moat in Sleaford and North Hykeham, more geared at establishing the likelihood of maybe a cavalry charge, or at the very least some catapult bombardment. Do you know how likely it came out as? Not fucking very.
I want that costume. Just saying.The voting system's stupid anyway, this is the main point I'm trying to get across here. I can think of a system that works more effectively, the details of which I will give you now. It's only fair, after all, if you're going to judge an idea, that you have all the facts surrounding it. Not usually something you'd associate with politics, but there you go. Usually it goes along the lines of "Oh, this middle-class tosspot has promised not to tax the shit out of me. He doesn't go into detail about the massive spending cuts in the public sector, but whatever; I like his face" or "Ooh, I like the idea of getting rid of our old nuclear missile system, and I certainly don't need to know how we're going to stop ourselves from being completely pussy-slapped around by the rest of the developed world when we disarm and end up looking like the EU's global eunuch."
Hell, at least Gordon Brown has a bit of personality about him. Yeah, fair enough, he called some old woman a "bigot" after speaking to her, but for all we know she murders kittens, so in a way he might have the gift of clairvoyance there. Politicians haven't been E14 since Churchill (not the dog, the other one). Do you know what he had the balls to write when he declared war on Japan? He ended the letter with this:
"I have the honour to be, with high consideration, Sir, Your obedient servant"
Awesome right? As an aside, what do you reckon a Prime Minister would do in our tech-savvy age to declare war? E-Mail? A Facebook status update? Perhaps "David Cameron (because let's be fair, he'll end up being PM) likes fucking up Japan." or "Great Britain changed their relationship status to 'In a war' with Spain." Anyway, they asked Churchill why he wrote that in a letter declaring war, and his reply was more awesome still:
"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite".
What more have we lost sight of in this country but common decency? The number of car accidents I've narrowly avoided in the last few months have been immense, and every time without fail it's because some impatient prick pulls out on me or is trying to get past too fast, and every time they look at me like it's my fault! I mean, I could change out of first gear on the motorway, but what can I say? I like the smell of burning.
My idea, then, is simple: People can still vote for their local constituency MPs as before, but this result then has no bearing on the party leaders. Their political battle is decided in a different way. Now, for this system to work, the leaders can indeed make use of their MPs' victories, as it will give them a handicap much like golf in the competition. The platform of choice for this Prime Ministerial debate? Street Fighter 2. I'd vote in a second for the party leader who could win an all-night tournament.
Cock off, Politicians, Cock off.
That is brill - funny as a big bag of fuck. Seriously, you should try and get this stuff published somewhere :-)
ReplyDeleteI think an SF 2 politico tourno would turn out something like this:
Clegg-Guile
Cameron-Vega
Brown-Blanka
Cameron gets knocked out by Brown in first round, as it turns out the real Street Fighter is a computer game, rather than the version Dave knew, which involved paying poor people in fancy dress to beat each other to death in the street.
Clegg Sonic Booms Brown to floor in second round. Brown attempts to tear Clegg's head off his shoulders in a fit of berzerko-Scot rage.
Clegg overall winner, but steps down after Murdoch press runs 'Nick Clegg will eat your children, then you, then your dog, then replace you all with Polish people, members of Al Quaeda and Nazi attack hounds' story.