Friday 28 May 2010

Shitty Box Art Round-Up

Brad: might want to brace yourself before you see this first video game:
Rob: All right...Braced.

OK! Puzzle Stars

Rob: I...Wha...
Brad: Do you know what the first thing to strike me as "tragic" about this game is?
Rob: I'll be interested to hear what's first on the list.
Brad: The fact they couldn't get a celebrity to use on the cover, and had to use a generic model. The word celebrity is overused these days. To me "celebrity" means "famous". Not "was on a game show once".
Rob: Very much so
Brad: I've just read the blurb and it depressed me further. Would you buy this as a gift for a middle-aged middle-class woman?
Rob: I don't think I know any. Am I thus to take this question as hypothetical? I get the feeling this model is holding in a massive dump.
Brad: You're right. There's something in the forced smile and slightly narrowed eyes that gives it away. Of course, thinking about my previous statement, there is every chance that this woman is a supposed "celebrity" and we just don't have a clue who she is. Speaking of which, whatever happened to Jade Goody? You don't hear so much of her anymore.
Rob: Dude...
Brad: Yes?
Rob: I'm fairly sure she moved to India or something. Don't you read the news?
Brad: I'm aware of the news. As a concept.
Rob: Hmmm.
Brad: I don't bother keeping up with it all that much. I tried for a while, but I finally realised that it didn't actually matter to me in the slightest what happened. Election, earthquake, riot, stabbings, sex scandal, snow...I still had to get up and go to work. So I started paying attention to more important things.
Rob: You don't even keep up with sex scandals? What do you talk about at work?
Brad: I don't have any friends, dude. Score for this one?
Rob: I'll say a 4/10. Out of 100.
Brad: Uh, do we still give a cover extra points if we want to bang the cover model?
Rob: Generally, we do yeah
Brad: 8/10.

Transformers: War for Cybertron

Brad: Holy fucking shit!
Rob: You liking this one so far?
Brad: No, I stubbed my toe.
Rob: Oh.
Brad: There's not a lot to go on. It has "Transformers" written on it, but that's not the seal of quality it once was. And I think that might be Rodimus Prime. That'd be fail.
Rob: Why is Cloud city in the background?
Brad: Hunh. Maybe I will like this one, then. Were you into Transformers when you were a kid?
Rob: Totally, it was Transformers and Thundercats for me. And Thunderbirds. Lots of alliteration in my family.
Brad: I was always more into Masters of the Universe. Probably explains why I'm more into fantasy than sci-fi...They should do a Thundercats game that isn't shit.
Rob: I never played one, that's for sure.
Brad: I had one on the Amiga, but it was pretty lame. This was back before the days of instruction manuals, and you had to piece together what you were supposed to do yourself. As far as we could fathom it, Lion-O didn't want to live anymore and so was going to keep running desperately into a wall of spikes until he died, and nothing you could do would convince him otherwise.
Rob: Sounds more fun than Ecco, still.
Brad: And that's why they never made ThunderDolphins. Score?
Rob: 5/10. Robots are cooler than anonymous models.
Brad: 8/10. I'd still fuck that.
Rob: I was about to ask if that had any bearing.

Sherlock Holmes: The Mystery of Osborne House

Brad: I love Sherlock Holmes.
Rob: I do too. I can already tell I'm going to hate this game.
Brad: Why?
Rob: Look at him, dude. He's animated.
Brad: I wasn't aware you were a racist.
Rob: Eh?
Brad: You can't discriminate against people just because they're animated. More to the point, it's not animated. It's a fucking still picture.
Rob: I mean he's a cartoon.
Brad: Again, I don't think you can discriminate on those grounds. The only Mystery of Osborne House is why no-one's stabbed Sharon in the face.
Rob: And why the kids are given any credence whatsoever.
Brad: To be fair, I'm not sure why the interest in Ozzy. Holmes looks smug. They've got that much right at least.
Rob: I suppose.
Brad: I am a little surprised. I was under the impression you were into Holmes games.
Rob: I was annoyed by the Mystery of the Mummy, because Holmes sounded like he was on Valium, not cocaine. And they re-released that one for DS over Silver Earring, which actually had a British-sounding Holmes, and was quality. I just have no faith in the DS side of it.
Brad: I have no faith in Nintendo in general. Haven't had since they decided what the world really wanted was Mortal Kombat with the blood removed. You know, this actually looks like the sort of game I'd buy. If it was the same price as a puzzle book.
Rob: I hope it's good. I really do. I just find it hard to believe.
Brad: Score?
Rob: 3/10
Brad: I'm gonna give it a 5/10.
Rob: Not such a fan of the Holmes in that way then...
Brad: It could be good, could be bad. The cover doesn't give enough to go on here. Hence: I rolled a d10.

Thrustmaster Disney Toy Story Mania Ray Gun

Rob: Have we switched to sex toys?
Brad: What gave you that impression? Was it the name "Thrustmaster"?
Rob: That and the look, I just wouldn't be surprised to find out it vibrates.
Brad: It also looks like it has at least two openings. Possibly soft and/or warm.
Rob: And there's that. I like the reviews: "If you've been on the MGM ride you know why you need this gun.". Was there a Public Service Announcement that just said "Please buy this."?
Brad: I have a formulae for this: Nintendo + Disney = Gay. Lots and lots of lovely gay...What does it do?
Rob: It's a shell. It doesn't do anything.
Brad: Shill, dude. Shill. So, it's a plastic cover that looks like a sex toy. That's it?
Rob: I suppose so. With a Toy Story license. How dark is that?
Brad: Could you use it to conceal an actual sex-toy?
Rob: I don't know the dimensions, but yeah, probably.
Brad: That's dark. Wow. Why?
Rob: Well, it's a sex toy looking thing with a Toy Story branding.
Brad: "Got Woody?"
Rob: "You've got a friend"
Brad: What does the trigger do? Make it push back?
Rob: Yeah, it's a resistance thing I guess.
Brad: See, this is another reason to loathe Nintendo. Their technology is so custom made for hardcore cybersex, but the company itself might be the most wholesome and strangely puritan thing since The Carter Family. Not to be confused with Carter: The Unstoppable Sex Machine.
Rob: Jimmy Carter had that nickname? I thought that was Kennedy.
Brad: Score for the sex toy thing?
Rob: 2/10
Brad: 0/10. No, wait. I guess that's a "10", right? Damn.

Featuring performances from an all-star cast including a reunion of logendary Oscar nominated actors Omar Sharif (Lawrence of Arabia) and Peter O'Toole (Lawrence of Arabia), Luke Goss (Not Lawrence of Arabia) and Jonathan Rhys-Davies (Sabretooth), Princess of Persia is out now on DVD.

Princess of Persia is an adaptation of the Old Testament story of Esther, a young Jewish orphan who against all odds becomes Queen of Persia and saves the Jewish race from annihilation.

King Xerxes is leading the Persians in a brutal war against the Greeks. After a troubled childhood, the beautiful Esther captures the heart of the King, and transformed from peasant to royalty, takes her place at his side.

As the battle places an ever greater strain on the Persian people, an unlikely chain of events forces an impossible ultimatum onto Esther; giving her the chance to save her people, but only by putting her own life in danger and defying the might and power of an empire.

Thanks to our friends at Revolver Entertainment, we've got a copy of Princess of Persia to give away! For your chance of winning it, send us an e-mail to with your name and postal address before midday on Friday 4th June (UK time). The first name drawn out of the electronic hat will win a free copy!

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