Music Reviews

Pet Shop Boys - Yes, etc.

I find it hard to believe that Pet Shop Boys haven't yet been outlawed by the Geneva Convention. What the fuck have they ever produced that didn't set your teeth on edge straight away? Every single track, every chord, every synth setting makes me feel like I'm being gnawed on the back of my neck by an exceedingly effeminate hamster.

The thing is, Pet Shop Boys are a joke, but a joke that has been around so long that every is now starting to think that they're actually an important part of musical history, rather than what actually amounts to a sequel to The Village People. - 1/10

Papa Roach - Metamorphosis

If you're going to try and do some rock star poses, whilst actually being false metallers yourselves, it is very important to consider the composition of the band as a whole. Look at the two guys on the left - the singer and the guitarist...now, consider this...

"SHO-RYU-KEN!" - 2/10






Delta Spirit - Ode To Sunshine

This cover is scarily reminiscent of a recurring dream I used to have involving a fishing trip with Rutger Hauer.

It would start the same way, with me eating winkles on the beach, when all of a sudden, I'd realise that the guy looking through the little pay-telescope was Rutger Hauer, star of movies such as Ladyhawke and The Hitcher. "Hello." I would say to him, "Aren't you Rutger Hauer, star of movies such as Wedlock and Beyond Justice?"

"Yes," he'd reply, in that gravelly vaguelly accented voice of his. "I'm just down here on a fishing trip, taking a break from shooting my latest film. I play a man in a trenchcoat who points a shotgun threateningly at Mad Max style villains. I'm about to hire a boat and do some fishing. Would you like to come with me?"

Of course, I would accept. Who could turn down the chance to go fishing with Rutger Hauer, star of such movies as Split Second and Omega Doom? We would hire out a little craft, and soon we were sailing across the seas, trolling the weight across the ocean floor, laughing heartily whilst he regaled me with stories of his time spent filming such classics as Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Hostile Waters.

Then, he'd leave me holding the line whilst I reflected on our strange new found friendship. Who knew that the chance meeting of a young boy and a Dutch B-Movie actor could lead to such a wonderful friendship? And what was this strange feeling he gave me in my stomach whenever he was near?

Then, Rutger would pop up from below deck, dressed only in a pair of small swimming shorts, a glass of beer in one hand and fine Cuban cigar in the other. Smiling at me he'd say heartily "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the darkness at Tan Hauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain...", then he'd reach over and turn on the radio, and we'd hear the soft sound of The Village People's "Go West".

The sun would be glittering up off the waves as he'd come stand beside me, staring off into the horizon together, his muscular arm draped across my shoulders. I'd be struck with the feeling that this was the way that life should be - the feeling of the sea air, the gentle sway of the boat, and the strong, comforting friendship of Rutger Hauer, star of movies such as Turbulence III: Heavy Metal and Minotaur, as we laughed and played together under the setting sun. Then I'd wake up and find that at some point during the night I'd sneezed all over my balls. - 5/10

The worst games I ever played: Number 2

I have been burdened with an unusually high penchant for vitriol this week, and as such thought I'd add to my gradual revelation of the worst and most shameful games to ever have graced my gaming presence. Hopefully this will give you a basic idea of the kind of games I like, or at least make it less surprising when a truly terrible game finally tips me over the edge and sends me on a homicide spree. Anyway, there'll be plenty of time to dwell on that in future instalments.

Now, traditionally, I would base my opinion of a game on the first time it was released, assuming that I'd played it that time round. However, in the case of this game, that is not a possibility, simply because due to this game being complete and utter toss, I have actually blocked all direct memory of this game. I do, however, remember WHY I got the game James Bond Jr. for the Super Nintendo.

Let's get this out of the way right now. I love James Bond. For every detractor who says it's an outdated series which is offensive to women, there's me saying "shut the fuck up, you fucking fuck." James Bond is MEANT to be outdated and borderline offensive to women, that's the whole point. Are you seriously telling me that you have to be offended by stuff like that if it's intentional? Fine, have it your way, I now object to everything starring Jason Statham.

Having said that, I already did, I find his films shit.

Anyway, back in 1967, James Bond Jr. appeared in an unsuccessful novel designed as a spin-off of the main series. Unsurprisingly the book tanked, and the concept of James Bond having any living relatives, while touched upon in the novel "You Only Live Twice", was never really explored again in any significant depth.

That is to say, they didn't until 1991, when American TV networks decided "You know what's cool? TV cartoons based on failed 1960s novels!" and decided to produce an animated series. You can only assume that if TV networks decided to do that more often, there'd be a series based on Tekwar...

Damn.

Anyway, the TV series of James Bond Junior followed the adventures of Bond's nephew, also named James. With me so far? He's a student at pretentious Warfield Academy along with his friends Gordo Leiter and I.Q, both supposedly the grandchildren of their more famous 007 counterparts, and the headmaster's daughter. Have a guess what their relationship is. If you guessed "She often chastises his crazy schemes but secretly has romantic feelings for him", congratulations to you; you're smarter than a glass of water.

If you'd got the question wrong, this would be you.

The game, based on the cartoon series, promises to take you as James Bond Jr. through a series of 3 zones trying to stop the evil plans of S.C.U.M (I know, fucking imaginative no?) That's right, in case you glossed over that fact, I'll repeat: The game only technically had 3 levels. Technically, isn't the game based on the short story in that case? They've probably got more in common.

To give you an idea of the quality of the in-game graphics, here's a shot of the franchise's most notorious villain, Dr. Derange (which frankly sounds like a terrible 80s wrestler).

In all seriousness, what the fuck was I thinking giving this game the time of day? The nephew of fucking James Bond, the most famous spy of all time, and all they could think of as far as how his enemies would look is that Day-Glo freak? Bollocks. Bear in mind that the SNES was able to run Flashback, a superb graphical experience, as well as a game of considerable length. Compare Flashback to this game, where James Bond Junior's hair seems to be attached permanently to his head, and it seems to paint a different picture.

Never fear though, this is not the only aspect of James Bond Jr's gameplay. After all, a spy wouldn't be a spy without some sort of gadgetry at his disposal. In the case of this game, the gadgetry at his disposal comes in the form of vehicular motion. However, take a look at the screenshot of the vehicle levels, and see if anything becomes instantly familiar.

Looks an awful lot like almost every side-scrolling arcade game doesn't it? Funnily enough, I have a game on my iPod which is more fun than this. It's a not entirely dissimilar concept, you play the role of a cannon which fires at helicopters and parachutists as they try to destroy your cannon. It's more fun for one main reason: I expect shit graphics from an iPod, and as I previously stated, the SNES could run some decent looking games. In this case, it just chose not to.

E14TV - 16/03/2009

It's time once again for another edition of E14TV, collecting together some of our choice videos for the Emotionally Fourteen.