Brad and Rob Talk....Star Wars: Episode VII

For fans of the Saga, the news recently has been rife with rumours and speculation about the future of the Star Wars series. Not to be outdone, and basing their opinions purely on their own experiences with the franchise, our very own Brad Harmer and Rob Wade decided to have a chat about what they want the movies to be about, as well as a bit of fantasy casting. Enjoy.

Rob : So Brad, what would you want Episode VII to be about?
Brad: A part of Star Wars that won't *fuck up* thirty-odd years of EU canon.
Rob : Go into more depth. What *won't* work?
Brad: I don't Solo or Skywalker families.
Rob : You accidentally a word there?
Brad: Sorry, *want Solo or Skywalker families.
Rob : I occasionally that.
Brad: I rarely to be fair.
Rob : Point.
Brad: Anyway, I don't want a superweapon.
Rob : Ok, so you can pretty much throw out 90% of the EU. Any particular reason? Because I feel like Darksaber would make a good movie.
Brad: I don't want cheeky, crass references to the original, like Abrams desperately buttfucked into the Star Trek remake.
Rob : Ok.
Brad: I started out really optimistic about it, but I am now pretty sure that it's going to be a clusterfuck.

Rob : So my original question remains. What would you make it about?
Brad: There's only one thing it can be about: Vader.
Rob : Alright.
Brad: The movies are Anakin's saga.
Rob : So Galactic Civil War? Specifically, the early days thereof?
Brad: No, it can be hundreds of years after, if it wants to. It just needs to revolve around Vader. Maybe he goes Exar Kun on someone.
Rob : Ahhh, ok. I was about to ask how you saw that working. See, this delivery method of story makes it difficult to ask my follow-up question.
Brad: Which was going to be what?
Rob : Casting it. So far, your cast is: Vader…
Brad: Yeah…
Rob : And some prick Vader is bothering.
Brad: Right.

Rob : Anyway, so who's your Vader?
Brad: James Earl Jones
Rob : ...Voice only?
Brad: Well, yeah...he'll be a Force Ghost, won't he?
Rob : So are you going to just have him in the armour...as a Force Ghost?
Brad: I guess.
Rob : Ok.
Brad: Or just a voice.
Rob : So who's he bothering?
Brad: Some bloke.
Rob : So who have you got in mind for said bloke?
Brad: No idea. What's your concept for Episode VII, then?
Rob : I'd like to see a movie dealing with the first stirrings of the Rebellion, sort of set between The Force Unleashed and A New Hope.
Brad: Right…
Rob : But focused on completely separate characters to the main story arc. So you can have your Lando Calrissians and your Bail Organas, but they're passing mentions or interactions.
Brad: That actually sounds good.

Rob : So maybe make the characters a group of rebels setting up/defending a base on a planet. Like that AWESOME episode of The Clone Wars where they're defending a base from the Separatists.
Brad: Yeah, that works. Unfortunately, it's glitching at ONE minor point for me.
Rob : Go for it.
Brad: Episode VII will come *after* Episode VI. They've said they're doing spin-offs, so your idea is valid. But not for whatever Episode VII will be.
Rob : Ahh right. Ok, so let me think…
Brad: Don’t strain yourself. This is all for fun.
Rob : There's a storyline that's not been done with regards to VI and EU. Boba Fett between Return of the Jedi and Dark Empire.
Brad: Ok
Rob : I can see that happening for three reasons:

1. The Internet has a massive wanger on for Boba Fett.
2. It's not been done before, and doesn't shit on the EU.
3. Dengar.

Brad: Good move.

Rob : Ok, so let's work on the assumption that Episode VII deals with the Boba Fett storyline. Casting. Have we ever had anyone as Dengar, in terms of our own fantasy casting?
Brad: No.
Rob : Ok. Christoph Waltz.
Brad: That works.
Rob : I figure he needs to be more dialogue-heavy than in The Empire Strikes Back (for obvious reasons), and Waltz does dialogue really well. He has a good look that wouldn't look out of place in those robes either.
Brad: Ok, so Boba Fett?
Rob : We can probably just use the dude from AOTC. Temeura Morrison (Thanks IMDB!)
Brad: Works.
Rob : Right, so after 2 or so hours, we've got a Dengar/Boba Fett buddy movie.
Brad: *fistbump*
Rob : I...hang on. Ok, Chad says "Ship it".

Sour Crouch Says....Play Attack on Titan

Words: Sour Crouch

Hey you. Yeah, the one staring at me, all googly-eyed. I know what you're thinking and you're right, but now isn't the time for tissues and spaff. Pornhub will still be there in 5 minutes. Believe me. I’m counting on it.

Free Games Incoming!

This'll only be the briefest of ramblings. I promise. Today, splendidly, I have stumbled upon something that has managed to steal my attention away for more than 5 minutes. This may not sound important, but I must attest that it is *always* important when I am so transfixed in a game that I fail to remember to shit, shave or masturbate (the three activities I find take up most of my time).

The game that I am warbling on about is called Attack on Titan, a basic hack n' slash made in the Unity engine.

I sense a synopsis!

So Attack on Titan is based on a manga (more details of which can be found here), set in an apocalyptic wasteland besieged by gigantic humanoid creatures who enjoy recreational activities which primarily involve either squishing the remaining humans into the ground or devouring them. At some point, walls were erected to keep the nasties out and inevitably the walls failed. Your mission as the player is simple: chop the living shit out of the variously sized meat machines whilst avoiding many foul attempts on your life.

Fairly standard fare, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Now, you have certain tools at your disposal for giving the Titans hell:

1. Two samurai swords for cleaving
2. Some ninja hooks for travel/escape

And lo, oh Player of Games...you...*you* can achieve this most holy of goals by slicing into a big throbbing weak spot on the back of their noggins. Sound easy? Simple, right? You've done this before. The Legend of Zelda...Shadow of the Colossus...God of War...you see the picture I'm building up here?

Bollocks.

Not only do you have to do this 32 times, you have to do it whilst dodging the many gaudy attempts the Titans make at squishy-squishy, your only defense from this being the tried and true method of "spidermanning" yourself through a cityscape with nothing but your guile, dexterity and ninja hooks to save you from excruciating and almost certain death. It’s ultimately the mechanics which make this game so entertaining to play. The Titans will punch, lunge and belly flop you out of existence and you'll be pressing T (to respawn) an awful lot.

I'm not one for manga, but by no means do you need to have watched AoT's counterpart to enjoy the game, it's good skill-based killing that'll (hopefully) have you as stuck to your screen as I am. I guess what I'm trying to get at…in a roundabout way…is that basically…

You're going to die a lot. What’s more, you're going to like it.

Here's the game.

If you like the game, drop them a line. Tell them Sour fucking Crouch from emotionally14 sent you. This has been he.

E14 Presents - Claymore Division!

Today, E14 is proud to bring you the first episode of Claymore Division, a new segment starring our very own Brad Harmer and Omer Ibrahim. In their inaugural episode, they bring you reviews of the latest military history releases. Check out the video, and let us know what you think in the comments below!