Sunday, 3 July 2011

Dickass DM

Remember good, old-fashioned gamebooks? They promised all the fun of a role-playing game, with none of the social interaction - what more could a teenage boy desire? The thing is, that while the gamebook became a great gaming experience in its own right, the only RPG it could possibly have simulated was one being GM'd by Satan himself. 90% of decisions led to certain death, and combat was often fatal.

Satan wasn't available, so Brad will be GMing Rob through an RPG based on the classic Joe Dever gamebook Highway Holocaust. Brad is the DM, and Rob plays his character, Brag Phoenix.

Catch up with previous Dickass DM installments here!
Brad: A minute later you see Cutter jump down from the bus and scurry across the rock-strewn ground behind the diner, cradling a shotgun, which he loads as he runs.
MCSPINDLE: You know that if he dies, everyone's going to blame you, right?
Brag: You'd know all about that...
Brad: He disappears behind the building, then a few moments later you hear a burst of gunfire and see a swarthy faced man, dressed in western clothes, come running out of the front door with a pistol in his hand.
Rob: Western clothes? Like Italian gear or Cowboy hats?
Brad: Spaghetti Western, I guess.
The fleeing man sees you and fires twice, but his aim in awry and the bullets pass high above your head. You raise your gun and order him to stop but he ignores your call. He shoots again and you return fire, killing him cleanly with a shot to the heart.
Rob: Ha!
Brad: Cutter appears and beckons you over to the diner. Inside the doorway lies the body of another man, a rifle resting across his blood-stained chest.
Cutter: I reckon these two were from that Maverick gang that Rickenbacker warned us about.
Brad: He searches through the dead man's pockets.
Cutter: Seems like the Lions ain't the only ones we gotta look out for.
Brad: You help Cutter search the bodies and the diner.
Rob: I take all their ammo, water and med kits. The rifle...the +2 Club...and I drop the Bourbon so I can pick up the Binoculars.
Brad: You're aware you already have a pair of binoculars?
Rob: I only have the two eyes, right? Before you start, we're in a radioactive wasteland.
Brad: Yes, you have two eyes. No more, no less. You have binoculars and a telescopy, but you want another?
Rob: Right, fine. Drop the bourbon and take the Rope. Still take the Rifle and the Club. Wait, the Rifle and the Flick Knife.
Brad: Sure?
Rob: Yeah.
Brad: As soon as your flat tyre has been repaired and the highway swept clear of spikes, you climb back into the BragWagon and lead the convoy on towards Big Spring. In the distance you see the sun resting on the peak of Signal Mountain, and you estimate that no more than an hour of daylight remains. Then a freeway mileage sign looms into view, its paint blistered and barely legible.
You slow down and read:
BIG SPRING
16 MLS
The sign coaxes a cheer from those aboard the bus and renews your hopes of completing the first stage of your long journey west. A few miles further on you see another sign. This announces that you are approaching the town of Coahoma. With the memory of what happened at Westbrook still fresh in your mind, you decide to bring the convoy to a halt.
MCSPINDLE: Won't that just make them easier to hit?
Brag: You'd think so, but they're further away, so we might get a few 'warning' shots.
Brad: Your caution was well placed. As you focus your telescopy on the town, you count over twenty motorcycles parked at random along the highway. Their riders are looting the stores and houses nearby, and much of what they have found lies heaped beside their machines. Suddenly, a pinpoint of light climbs into the sky and explodes with a brlliant white flash that illuminates the surrounding landscape.
MCSPINDLE: Fuck! The Post-Apocalyptic gangs have split the atom!!!
Kate: It's a signal flare. I think they've seen us.
Brag: Yeah, I think you're right.
Cutter: We won't be a' skirtin' 'round this place. The land here's too craggy.
Brag: Do you just move letters around the sentence, is that it?
Cutter: The bus and the tanker'd not get a hunnerd yards. Nope, our only chance is to hit 'em before they get muled up.
MCSPINDLE: He's losing me now...
Brag: Why do you say it like that? You're a car, it's not hard to lose you, all we'd have to do is park you in a shopping mall.
Cutter: If we go now we could cut straight through that lil' ol' town and be on our way to Big Spring before they know what's happened!
Brad: The plan is put to Uncle Jonas and he agrees that it is the colony's best chance of reaching Big Spring before nightfall. Kate volunteers to ride shotgun with you at the head of the convoy. Uncle Jonas will follow in the tanker and Cutter will close up behind with the bus, enabling those with guns to man the back window and keep any pursuers at bay. Within a few minutes the plan is relayed to the colony and the vehicles are drawn up in line, ready to run the Coahoma gauntlet.
Brag: How long's this? About twelve parsecs?
Brad: "Coahoma Gauntlet" sounds likes something Jim Ross would say.
You check your rear-view mirror and see both Cutter and Uncle Jonas giving you a thumbs up.
Rob: Thumbs up what?
MCSPINDLE: They know you're going to die.
Brag: Kate...Let's get fabulous!
Brad: Thankfully your voice is lost in the revving of the BragWagon's engine.
MCSPINDLE: You'll thank me later.
Brag: Ahhh, you're a Nissan Cockblocker.
Brad: You move away, keeping an eye on your mirror to make sure that you do not out-distance the rest of the convoy. Then, as you approach the outskirts of the town, Kate raises her shotgun and gets ready to greet the Maverick clansmen who are brave, or foolish, enough to stand in your way. Gunfire erupts from the windows of the nearby buildings and bullets whistle past, fired from all directions. Kate opens up in reply, empty cartridge cases spewing from her gun as she picks off the renegade bikers with chilling accuracy.
MCSPINDLE: Fit birds with guns FTW.
Brad: Then the first of the obstacles appears and you stamp your foot to the floor. The force of your car's acceleration hits you like a kick in the back.
Brag: Kate, put your fucking foot away!
Brad: The car screams through the town, scattering motorcycles and riders, its rear wheels trailing a blue haze of friction-burnt rubber.
MCSPINDLE: BragWagon for the fucking win, bitches!
Brag: I did nothing, then?
Brad: The last few buildings are flashing past on either side when you see a solitary figure standing in the middle of the highway ahead. As you scream towards him, coolly he raises a rifle and takes aim at your windshield!
Brag: Don't! I just had Autoglass out!
Brad: You see the muzzle flash of his rifle and feel a red-hot pain cut across the top of your head as the bullet creases your scalp. In the next instant you feel a tremendous jolt as your roadster hits the rifleman and sends his broken body spinning through the air.
MCSPINDLE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! DIE!DIE!DIE!!!!
Brag: Nice work car, you killed again!
Brad: You brace yourself against wheel, but Kate is thrown forwards against the dashboard and gashes her forehead.
Brag: Well, you know what they say. A gash in the forehead is better than a fore...never mind.
Brad: At first you fear that she is badly injured, but she recovers quickly and, using dressings from her Medi-kit, she attends selflessly to your head wound before treating her own.
MCSPINDLE: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!
Rob: Cool, she brought her own medkit, so she's not Bogarting mine.
Brad: At the first opportunity, you pull the BragWagon over to the side of the freeway and wait for the convoy to catch up.
MCSPINDLE: Why am I all red and sticky?
Brag: Don't you remember? There was a bloodbath...
MCSPINDLE: There's something stuck in my radiato...Oh, God, it's still got eyebrows on it! GAAAAH!!! I'VE KILLED AGAIN!!! WHY?!?!?
Brag: I don't think you have control over it...
Brad: A few minutes later the tanker and the bus come thundering out of Coahoma. Apart from a few extra bullet holes, they both appear to have survived the run intact.
Rob: How many bullet holes ring alarm bells?
Brad: You restart your engine and accelerate away, confident that the colony will reach Big Spring before sunset, but when you glance in your rear-view mirror you spot something that sets your pulse racing.
MCSPINDLE: Oh, god...is it a grisly memento? I hate it when I do that...
Brag: It had better not be what I think it is...
Kate: What do you think it is?
Brag: A giant Spider dressed in a vicar's outfit.
Kate: You're okay.
Brad: The glare of a dozen motorcycle headlights follow in the wake of the convoy. The Mavericks who survived your brief but devastating visit to Coahoma are now in pursuit, and they are closing the gap swiftly.
Brag: Ah, that's not as bad.
Brad: Shots are fired from the back of the bus, bringing down two of the leading bikes, but they do not prevent the others from moving alongside.
Brag: Kate, take the wheel!
Kate: What the fuck?
Brad: Anxiously you watch in your rear-view mirror as the pillion riders risk their lives to jump aboard.
Brad: The few who survive the leap without falling under the wheels gain entry by kicking their way through the windows. Suddenly the bus loses speed. You sense that something is seriously amiss and you go back to find out what is wrong. You wave the tanker on, then slow almost to a standstill in order to allow Cutter to catch up. As he draws nearer you see that a running battle is taking place on board.
Rob: Have you been rolling dice all this time without telling me?
Brad: You accelerate, bringing the BragWagon alongside the boarding door, then as soon as Kate has control of the car, you coil yourself like a spring and leap towards the door of the bus. McSpindle begins playing the Indiana Jones theme on his 8-track.
Brag: Keep that playing until they're all dead!
TO BE CONTINUED...
Words: Brad Harmer & Robert Wade
You can become Brad's "friend" on Facebook, or you can "follow" him on Twitter. Depends how creepy you want to sound really.
This is intended as a loving tribute to Joe Dever, the Freeway Warrior series, Highway Holocaust, and all other gamebooks of yesteryear.
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Saturday, 2 July 2011

DVD Reviews


The Adjustment Bureau
Starring: Matt Damon, Emily Blunt, Anthony Mackie
Director: George Nolfi
Universal Pictures UK
Available from 04/07/2011 on DVD and Triple-Play Blu-Ray
Review by Rob Wade

On the brink of winning a seat in the U.S. Senate, ambitious politician David Norris meets beautiful contemporary ballet dancer Elise Sellas - a woman like none he's ever known. But just as he realises he's falling for her, mysterious men conspire to keep the two apart. David learns he is up against the agents of Fate itself-the men of The Adjustment Bureau - who will do everything in their considerable power to prevent David and Elise from being together. In the face of overwhelming odds, he must either let her go and accept a predetermined path... or risk everything to defy Fate and be with her.

Based on a short story by Philip K. Dick (as apparently *every* intelligent film aside from Inception has to be), The Adjustment Bureau deals heavily with themes of free will and destiny, with Damon ever-determined to change his fate and reunite with what he feels to be the love of his life, no matter what the cost. The problem, ultimately, however, is that the film does this in a really sappy, over-the-top kind of way which detracts from the overall message intended. The film goes from “earn your freedom and make your free will count for something” to “spend years chasing a girl you met in a toilet”.

This is a good movie, ultimately. The performances are strong, with particularly great characterisation. People banter, and actually feel very natural, so rather than actors putting on a performance you feel much more immersed in the world that Nolfi has brought to the screen. The premise of the movie itself is really interesting, but then it’s Philip K. Dick. The idea is essentially that when someone deviates from God’s plan (they call him “The Chairman”, but come on – do you know *anyone* else with a plan whom you never see?), these Adjustment Bureau guys come and re-adjust memories and so on to put it back on track, all without being seen or known to those whom the plan affects directly, in this case David Norris. Matt Damon plays his part well (as he usually does), and Terence Stamp is also awesome as the threatening agent of The Chairman, suitably malevolent while at the same time ice-cool.

However, can someone explain to me where Emily Blunt’s character is from for the first quarter of an hour or so of the movie? From then on, she slips back into her nice British accent (and she does have a lovely one), but for the first quarter of an hour I caught hints of Scottish, American and finally English. It’s little things like that which can hinder one’s immersion.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: A couple of punches.
Sex/Nudity: A non-explicit sex scene.
Swearing: Emily Blunt gets a few “Fuck” and “shit” uses in there.
Summary: A clever, if a little overly sappy, thriller. 7/10


American Dad: Volume 6
Starring: Seth MacFarlane, Wendy Schaal, Dee Bradley Baker
Director: Mike Kim, Joe Daniello
20th Century Fox Home Entertainment
Available now (DVD)
Review by Blake Harmer

American Dad is back for more mayhem as CIA Republican Stan Smith and his family battle the Anti-Christ, Steve suffers trauma from a Vietnam War re-enactment, and Roger becomes the dictator of Isla Island.

The show continues its cringe-worthy and risqué humour, as well as some standard surreal moments thrown in for good measure. There are also marked improvements where the episodes are a lot more consistent than previous series. Also, unlike the more successful Family Guy, the jokes seem cleverer and can build upon previous jokes as the humour is relevant to the episode or calls back to a previous episode without falling back on Family Guy’s trademark random gags. It is this difference in humour that really sets it apart from Seth Macfarlane’s other work, and it is more refreshing because of it.

The only real downside to this series is that a couple of episodes don’t pack in as many laughs as others, which stops the series being completely perfect. This aside though, this a fine piece of adult humour and is actually stronger than recent series of Family Guy have been, especially as American Dad is far less hit-and-miss with its humour. Sure, it still has the odd American joke, which us Brits won’t get, but they are far less frequent in this series, and it still doesn’t truly detract from the overall enjoyment of the show.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: Lots of gunfire, fighting and explosions, but done in an over the top and comedic manner.
Sex/Nudity: Lots of references to sex, but nothing is shown.
Swearing: A Fair amount, but not as many as can be found in your average series of Family Guy.
Summary: A great show that just keeps getting better with each new series. Essential if you love American Dad, and well worth giving a go if you’ve never experienced Stan Smith and Co. 9/10


Detective Dee: Mystery of the Phantom Flame
Starring: Andy Lau, Carina Lau Ka Ling, Lee Bingbing
Director: Tsui Hark
Cine Asia
Available now on DVD & Blu-Ray
Review by Rob Wade

When a series of bizarre murders threatens to delay the Empress’ coronation, she enlists the help of the previously exiled Detective Dee, the Kung-Fu detective, to solve the mystery in order to restore order to the chaotic kingdom. If this sounds like your kind of film, welcome to my world; it sounded just like mine. In many ways, with the fight choreography done by the man behind Ip Man, one of my most unexpectedly enjoyed films of my tenure at E14 thus far, it sounded like the perfect movie to appeal to my Sherlock Holmes-laden taste.

Potential is just that.

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, however. This film is not a bad movie. The problem for me, ultimately, was that it just wasn’t a very *good* movie. The film has character in absolute bundles, with some tremendously weird elements working really well in some aspects and not so well in others. The Kung-Fu element of this movie is really well done, in the Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon style with plenty of over-the-top jumping around and outlandish moves. If that’s your bag, this is a good movie to check out. If not, then maybe you’re a detective movie fan. In that case, this movie is a little misleading.

Let me precise. Detective Dee does one piece of detective work throughout the entire movie, which comes right at the end of the movie. The problem is that the detective work has pretty much all been done for him except for the motives behind said detective work. By someone else. Who’s not a detective. When I say detective work, incidentally, I mean the entire thing. Deduction, fact-checking and finally evidence. All done by someone else. I wouldn’t mind so much, but it’s the case breaking facts that this chump deduces!

Other than the ‘detective’ stuff, the movie is pretty enjoyable on the whole. The Kung Fu is strong in this movie. Detective Dee is a totally likeable character, with little nuggets of eccentricity making for a well-rounded experience. The CG effects (which I feel look out of place in Chinese Kung Fu movies - just me?) look absolutely phenomenal in places, especially when people are being burned - it's plot relevant, OK? Ultimately, the film is a great idea and a good attempt to do something a little out of the ordinary, but ends up so jumbled up at times that it's really hard to like it any more than a bit.

On the plus side, the film has a character called Dr. Donkey Wang. And Detective Dee fights a herd of deer. I wish I was making that up.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: Kung-Fu aplenty. Detective Dee fights a herd of deer. I wish I was making that up.
Sex/Nudity: None. You see a topless girl’s back, but no more. It’s a nice back though.
Swearing: The most obscene word is ‘son of a bitch’. One character is called Donkey Wang.
Summary: What started off as a great premise is let down by some plain weirdness and some really odd storytelling decisions. Worth a watch if you enjoy Kung-Fu, but the “Detective” part of the name is slightly misleading. 6/10


Henry of Navarre
Starring: Julien Boisselier, Joachim Król, Andreas Schmidt
Director: Jo Baier
Showbox
Available from 04/07/2011 (DVD, Blu-Ray)
Review by Blake Harmer

Henry of Navarre follows French king Henry IV and his protestant Huguenots as they struggle for survival in a war against the Catholic armies of Catherine De Medici after she orders the infamous St. Bartholomew’s Day Massacre. It also shows his rise to power and him bringing peace by uniting France by allowing both religions to exist.

Whilst this epic attempts greatness and whilst it is not to be expected that Henry IV’s life played out like an actual movie script, the script that is used is pretty poor and filled with problems. The film feels like it rushes over some sections of Henry’s reign and expects the viewer to keep up with no explanation of what’s been rushed through. It also kills off characters without you really having any feeling towards them, due to the fact that not enough focus is really given on fleshing out Henry’s friends and they always seem to be just in the background. The film does always find it hard to nail the pacing right, with over-the-top, happy and sad scenes seeming to occur without warning.

There are some saving graces throughout the film; the acting is solid and the fight scenes, whilst brief when compared to other battles that can be seen in period epics, are well choreographed. Hans Zimmer’s soundtrack is also good albeit rather typical when compared to his other work so it isn’t truly outstanding.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: A lot of death is shown but the violence annoyingly cuts away a lot so very little is shown.
Sex/Nudity: Lots of sex scenes and full frontal nudity. It appears Henry IV was a randy little devil.
Swearing: A few uses, but nothing strong.
Summary: An enjoyable epic that captures the feel of Henry IV and of religion of the time, but struggles to get anything else truly right. Worth a watch if you like your French history, but otherwise film fans may want to look elsewhere for their slice of epic battles. 5/10



ONLY A LEGION OF VAMPIRES CAN DESTROY AN UNSTOPPABLE ZOMBIE HORDE


A group of peaceful Vampires are infected and turned into crazed zombie whose only motivation is to feed on flesh - human or vampire. Soldiers from across the ages, It is up to a comando of soldiers from across the ages to end the zombie infection.

Thanks to our friends at Metrodome, we've got three copies of The Dead Undead to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Saturday 9th July, making sure to put "Dead Undead" as the subject. The first three entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a free copy!

Don't forget to put "Dead Undead" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

The Dead Undead is available from Monday 1st August, courtesy of Metrodome.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.
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Friday, 1 July 2011

Cover Art Reviews



Lady Gaga
Born This Way

Rob: So...is she a man, a woman or a motorcycle? Is that the question I'm supposed to be asking myself?
Brad: Are you a Lady Gaga fan?
Rob: I don't really know. Occasionally I hear a song on the radio and think "I can understand the appeal", but I don't think it's for me. I would fucking ruin her though.
Brad: I think that, as an artist, she puts an awful lot of work into her image - both onstage and in the artwork. That's undeniable, right?
Rob: Of course. Anyone who wears a meat dress is image-conscious.
Brad: So why use such a shitty Photoshop job? Incidentally, I'd probably ruin her, too, but I am also aware that you never see her and Marilyn Manson in the same place at the same time.
Rob: True, but then I've never really been looking.
Brad: It's not just me, is it? That image looks really flat. The more I look at the front half of the bike, the stupider it looks, and then I notice how cock-eyed the back wheel is.
Rob: It's probably the closest to a bike that I'd fuck. That's the power of Gaga, I guess.
Brad: Yeah, I can't think of an bike that I'd like to fuck more. What position's easiest when fucking a half-bike, half-Gaga. A Biga. Gake.
Rob: Well, you want to open the exhaust, I guess...
Brad: Score?
Rob: I doubt it, she's famous. Oh, right...7/10.
Brad: 1/10
Rob: Wow, you must hate bikes.
Brad: Even ignoring how shitty that Photoshopping is, that's what the dice rolled. Sometimes Loki gets it right.


Bon Iver
Bon Iver

Rob: Hmmm...Right...Okay...Interesting. I've looked at it from four angles, and it looks pretentious from all of them.
Brad: I suspect that the artist just spilled their water jar over the painting and sent it off anyway.
Rob: "Fuck! Wait, it's for an indie artist."
Brad: It looks like a very prog The Wind in the Willows.
Rob: "Trapped inside this Amphibivarium!"
Brad: There's the house from The Evil Dead in the middle. You think this is indie, then?
Rob: Oh, of course it is! The signs are all there.
Brad: Enlighten me. What should I be looking for? The brownish beige?
Rob: The colour scheme, in general. The fact that there's no mention of the band or the album name.
Brad: So...by that criteria The Beatles were an indie band.
Rob: The fact that his previous albums include "For Emma, Forever" and "Helplessness Blues". White people can't do blues. It's not allowed.
Brad: I'm pretty sure they can, dude. Edgar Winter is the whitest man, ever. Literally. I suspect that this is part of a walkthrough map for one of the Uncharted games.
Rob: I've just previewed some of the tracks on iTunes. Indie. I rest my fucking case.
Brad: I just made a video game joke before you did. Indie's a wide genre. This does look like dreary, brown wank, though. Indie's a beige genre.
Rob: Very much so. Ahhhh, I put Boston on as the antidote.
Brad: Seriously, I was a teenager during the height of the Oasis/Blur thing. And even then I thought that if Indie was weather, it would be drizzle. I don't know who buys that shit. Who goes into a record store and says "Hi, there. Could you recommend me something. I want to rock...but not too much."
Rob: I have a few albums by bands you would consider amongst dreary Indie, but I'd argue against their inclusion in that category.
Brad: Try me. I, too, own a few albums by bands that could be broadly labelled Indie, but they don't smell of wet dog.
Rob: Manic Street Preachers.
Brad: They're too heavy, rocky, prog and good to be dreary indie.
Rob: I think the distinction needs to be made between "Soft Rock" and "Indie".
Brad: Okay, make your distinction.
Rob: "Soft Rock" is bands like Oasis, Blur, Stereophonics, Manic Street Preachers. They've got the full band, but maybe don't always use all of them in every song (hence the odd acoustic number). They will combine for a good majority of their albums, though.
Brad: Okay.
Rob: I reckon about 70%+ of the songs on an album will have the full band going.
"Dreary Indie" has a full band, but generally the drummer would be happier with some rice krispies in a fucking plastic bag that he can either shake or eat while he suffocates on his own mediocrity. It's easier to spot a Dreary Indie band soundchecking.
Brad: See, the albums I had that I was going to call Indie were ones by James, Ocean Colour Scene and Kasabian. All of which, under this definition, I would have to class as Soft Rock.
Rob: I'd say Kasabian are more in the soft rock category.
Brad: I'm breaking the rules, and I'm going to listen to a track.
Rob: Morningrunner would illustrate it best.
Brad: Yeah, but we want something off this album.



Brad: It sounds like Genesis crashing their car into 10cc.
Rob: It sounds like Peter Gabriel, twenty-five years after Peter Gabriel was cool, and devoid of the musical talent.
Brad: Yeah, we call that 'Genesis, Post Peter Gabriel'.
Rob: Ah, yeah.
Brad: It really, really, really, really sounds like...and I do not use this adjective lightly...a shit Phil Collins.
Rob: I didn't even know you could put those words together.
Brad: Who buys this?
Rob: Pretentious twats, I'd wager. Or wet ponces.
Brad: I would have more respect for a Take That than I would for a Bon Iver fan.
Rob: Old Take That or new Take That?
Brad: New. Or, both.
Rob: See, I'm a bit of a fan of New Take That, not a huge fan.
Brad: I don't think there's anyone who likes old Take That, but doesn't much rate their new stuff, dude.
Rob: Good point.
Brad: My girlfriend's really into New Take That. I've found some stuff I like, but I don't like it enough to actually buy any.
Rob: That's one of the few reasons I like iTunes, I can get the odd track.
Brad: If she brought this home, I'd have to wonder where I went wrong. You know what's a bigger bullet in the head that "This song is shit"?
Rob: Go on.
Brad: I totally just tuned out tha last three minutes of it. Boring is worse than bad.
Rob: I stopped playing it after thirty seconds, now I'm listening to Take That. Stupid liminal advertising.
Brad: By a weird coincidence, I'm listening to Lady Gaga.
Rob: Hunh.
Brad: Score? 1/10
Rob: 2/10. From all 4 angles, it's still shit.


Limp Bizkit
Gold Cobra

Rob: See, this is more like it. Snakes and women.
Brad: See, I'm not a Limp Bizkit fan - not by a long shot, but yeah, this is at least in the right ball park as to what album artwork should be like.
Rob: Granted, the woman at the front looks like she's melting, but still...
Brad: Dude! Gollum's in the background!
Rob: Sniffing his finger for some reason...Reckon he had it up the girl on the right's arse? Actually, the one at the back. She looks pained. And Gollum seems to have a fairly long finger as well.
Brad: Is that The Black Pearl on the horizon?
Rob: You know, I think it is.
Brad: I don't like the execution, but at least the ideas are there. It's better than "Appetite For A Quite Milky Tea", or whatever the hell Bon Iver's album was called. I've also now spotted a chameleon, a hammer and a knuckle duster. Score?
Rob: I almost certainly would, look at those girls, they can't be choosers!
Brad: 9/10.
Rob: 9/10 for me as well.


Bitch
Be My Slave

Rob: Be her slave?
Brad: HER? I'm less convinced of this thing's gender than I was with Lady Gaga.
Rob: Point.
Brad: This looks like the most poorly resarched S&M session in history.
"What does one do for this 'kinky sex' malarky?"
"I don't know...belts, I guess..."
Rob: "Whips?"
"Oh, probably."
Brad: "And plenty of backcombing."
See, much as I hated the Bon Iver thing - and I really did, you know - at least we had a good handle on what sort of music it was. With this I have literally no idea. Hair metal? Techno? Synth-pop? Eurotrance? Nothing seems quite right.
It's like trying to imagine what Chewbacca eats. Nothing that you can imagine him eating seems quite right.
Rob: I'll check. Wow, it's like Pat Benatar but amazingly angry. Going back through her discography is even more bizarre. It's like Pat Benatar toured with Rush, Slayer, Thin Lizzy...
Brad: So...her name is "Bitch"? And everytime she has sex she has to raid Claire's Accessories?
Rob: Presumably. Her real name is Betsy I think. Doesn't have the same ring, does it?
Brad: Betsy...Itch?
Rob: Could be...7/10.
Brad: 4/10.


Toxic Holocaust
Conjure and Command

Rob: You can always rely on a band named Toxic Holocaust.
Brad: ...to have artwork that looks like it was ripped from a Fighting Fantasy gambeook.
Rob: Yeah, I thought that looked familiar. House of Hell, right?
Brad: I think it's a fairly safe bet to say that they will one day realase an album called "Vampire Weasel". I think this is an illustration of how you make a Lady Gaga.
Rob: I make my lady gaga with cake. 5/10.
Brad: 4/10.

Words: Brad Harmer & Rob Wade

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